In Love and Heartbreak, Age Matters

dreamsFor someone who writes about relationships, it is pretty risky to make the statement that age matters; however, I believe in speaking the truth. I also believe in voicing the concerns of the those that visit this site. From this vantage point and with respect to love and heartbreak, age definitely matters.

Here is the reason why: we each have a grand plan for our life based on age. It goes something like this:

•    In my teens, I’ll get into a good college or get a good job.
•    In my early twenties, my career will start to take off.
•    By my mid-twenties, I will meet the person of my dreams.
•    In my thirties, I will be married and have 2.2 beautiful children.
•    In my forties, I’ll be running the company for which I’ve been working.
•    In my fifties, I’ll reflect back on my life and my grown children and smile.
•    In my sixties, I’ll retire and travel the world.

Sound familiar? Give or take a few years and interchange a couple of details and these types of age confined dreams are quite universal. So what happens when things don’t go as expected? What happens when instead of two kids in our thirties, we end up with our heart in two pieces? We feel broken; not only is our heart shattered, so too is our self-perception.

It is critical to understand that the pain one feels after a break up is only partially due to the separation from our mate. What causes equal, if not greater agony, is dealing with our crushed dreams. Our dream to be a certain age and have accomplished certain things has been stolen. To overcome the challenge of heartbreak based on age related fears, we must face them head on.

Fear: I’m getting older and will be alone. So you are 35 or 45 or [insert your age] and you are alone. You are scared. This is natural. Many people have a fear of aging – period. Heck, the entire beauty industry thrives on our distaste of aging. When you mix the panic of being alone with an aversion of getting older, the combination results in a very potent fear.

Hope: On this website there are thousands of visitors (no exaggeration) in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and yes, 60s that are looking to get over an old love in order to find a new one. You are not alone. The times have changed and people are looking to be in a healthy, loving relationship. As such, there is no dearth of available men and women. After you have gone through the stepped process for recovery and you are ready, you will begin dating again. Regardless of your age or whether you have had it in the past, true love will find you.

Fear: I am damaged goods. Almost all of us have had experiences which have left us feeling less than perfect; however, they are experiences, not who you are. I have always been puzzled by the statement, “I am divorced.” If this is your situation, remember, it is not a I am statement, it is an I have gone thru statement. No one is fundamentally flawed – especially not those who work actively to heal their wounds.

Hope: Absorb the power provided by an example. Find someone around you who has triumphed over adversity in their life. Find someone who has been dealt an unexpected hand and turned it around to their benefit. Ask them to tell you their story. If you don’t see anyone that fits the bill in your immediate surroundings, pick up a Chicken Soup for the Soul book and read hundreds of inspiring stories. You will find that people do not become their bad experiences, rather they work through them and come out stronger. So will you.

Fear: This just was not supposed to happen to me at this age! This is a negative idea that races through the minds of many who endure a break up. The thought is rooted in the break from your grand life plan. Remember, you created that plan, but the universe has something better in store.

Hope: I have never, ever seen a case where someone who has embraced the changes in their life did not end up happier. You will too. Keep in mind that your past relationship(s) were not a waste of time. For many, they provided growth, sometimes beautiful children, and although it may not seem so, some good memories. Everything that has happened has made you who you are today and ahead awaits an even greater experience.

Remember: Please, please, please do not restrict your dreams. Your visions do not wish to be bound- especially to the confines of age. Paul Gaugin didn’t start painting til his mid-forties, Granda Moses in her seventies, Charles Darwin published his first book in his fifties, and Colonel Sanders founded KFC in his sixties. Age only matters if we allow it to matter. Dream bigger. Dream brighter. Set your dreams free today.

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517 Responses to “In Love and Heartbreak, Age Matters”

  1. darlene January 9, 2017 at 7:05 pm #

    Why at 53 men only want a “friend” not a committed relationship? I feel like such a fool. My trust, I opened myself only to be fooled and hurt. I don’t know if I will recover.

  2. SuziiQ April 22, 2016 at 4:37 am #

    People always talk about forgiveness like it’s ours to grant. I’ve forgiven him but I’m not the only one who has to forgive him. Forgiving him has not set me free. Like the article said I was at this stage of my life where I was looking forward to traveling but I don’t have a travel partner now. Because he said so many bad things about me to others he ended up getting most of the friends or all of the friends that we had. Yes I forgive him but that doesn’t really put my life back together.

  3. linnietea April 8, 2016 at 7:33 pm #

    I haven’t been on the site for awhile,however,it seems people are still walking in to emotional destruction with eyes wide open. Look,every human wants the same things;to be valued,respected,honored,loved,appreciated,needed…all emotional needs.
    Before we begin to seek someone else to fill a void that we desperately want, why do we not realize that in relationships you Are going to be hurt,You will get your heart broken,and there will be times you ask yourself how in the world did I get in this mess?
    Sometimes,we get into abusive relationships that so break our spirit,that we buy into the lies that we deserve exactly what we get,so we stay and become beaten,raped,demeaned (by the person who once said I love you). It doesn’t matter what others think,it matters whether you want to live or just continue a life of existence.To learn that before you can give love you must be able to love yourself enough to admit sometimes when we want something so badly,we will accept any behavior including abusive behavior in relationships. Learning to love yourself,be willing to acknowledge there will be lonely times, the alternative to a life of the cycle of abuse, not trusting your own decisions,and isolation to the degree if despair that Suicide becomes your minds companion. Being betrayed,Yes,it hurts but you never can go forward in life driving a parked car. Shacking up,giving yourself to the first person because you believe this will help keep that person” only yours”- why buy the cow,when you can get the milk free? /anytime we break moral laws,believing what you are looking for you will find without commitment, the only way to find what you really are seeking,you first must learn to love yourself as only God can teach you.
    How can you or anyone give away what they don’t possess? I am sure your pain is deeply ingrained,to involve yourself with someone only separated-(unless divorce papers-they are still married) a guy who’s on the prowl will tell you whatever you want to hear. You think you’re dying,you’re probably so convinced because you believe what you tell yourself,if you’re depressed,there is help and hope. God feeds the birds,but HE doesn’t shove the worms down their throats,they have to seek the worms. If you want to feel different,change the way you think,talk and how you see yourself.
    Before you decide your first broken heart is grounds for suicide just think:
    SUICIDE:A permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life hurts. Roses are beautiful flowers,however,they also have thorns and depending whether you acknowledge the thorns,knowing they can inflict pain if not properly respected; we can realize much about life and love if we stop,think before we jump.
    Remember;You can only give to others what is within,before you hunger for someone in your life,make sure you are willing to accept the responsibility of total commitment in a lifetime relationship.

  4. Jay March 22, 2016 at 6:35 pm #

    I am 62 years old and three years ago I had a relationship end. Most intimate and satisfying since my divorce in 2002

    When she broke it off she did it with an email.
    Refused to talk to me.

    After three years she contacts me and says she wants to make amends. But when I asked her to clarify some things she just said she was sorry. Told how much to me and how she broke up me devastated me. I have had a hard time getting over it and this tore me up again,

  5. linnietea September 7, 2015 at 12:36 am #

    Your heart is broken,so you have two options.continue to allow yourself to have a pity party…or realize you have a chance to think..yes,with your brain…what lessons could. I learn from. the. Horrible. Pain that. Wants to hold me ft growing. And. Going. Forward.

    Until. You can. Acknowledge. that. YES,I was hurt …I didn’t. like must. Identify the. real. issue. before. You are able to deal with it…

    What. You. will not want to hear is…You Have to FORGIVE WHOMEVER IT WAS THAT BROKE YOUR HEART ❤. FORGIVENESS is. THE ONLY WAY to have freedom and healing that really lasts.
    When. You. wait for. the person to admit they were wrong,you might have to wait a lifetime,because. some people who hurt us think it doesn’t matter.

    Everyone needs a hero,be your own,learn to be bigger than the small minded people who don’t care if they walked all over your heart ❤ Forgive,let it go,(everytime you give thought to the wrong you replay and give strength to the. Negative behavior)
    Remember,you can overcome anything if you want to …or you can become a perpetual victim! It’s. Up to you. The person that hurt you. Has moved on,whysit in yesterday’s. Self-pity?

    • Dotty February 17, 2016 at 7:30 pm #

      I have been in love with my best friend for 52 years. I married someone else and was married for 27 years but he always had my heart. My husband and I divorced but 10 years before my friend had reconnected but we knew we would not let it bust up our families.
      My friend divorced because of totally differet reasons and so did i years later and our children were grown enough that we were able to be together but not really together. he wanted to keep the romance a secret from his children because he feared it would scar them. I went along with it because It did not matter t me as long as we were together.
      We are both grandparents now and have no one to lean to but each other and I know he loves me but i don’t see him wanting to sacrifice his family knowing about us. I got really upset and threw a fit 2 weeks ago and when I did I realised that we are in two different relationships. With not many more years for us I feel like we should not be obligated to whqt our kids think.I know that is not going to change.
      Reading the things people are saying about facing it and moving forward etc is just not something I can see myself doing because even when I was married this man had my heart so completely. being with him I was complete and now I am not. I can not imagine a day without him because he is a part of every inch of my body and my mind. I don’t want to live without him and i just don’twant to live..I see nothing beyond him.
      Any advice

  6. hector June 30, 2015 at 2:12 am #

    these words really help to understand,, it takes time to get over the idea of moving on ,it is diferent now not like when you started dating so buckle your your seat belt and go for the ride. good luck

  7. recovery May 16, 2015 at 4:53 am #

    I fell in love with a guy 15 years younger than me,it was all games from the very beginning,he played me he lied to me,be careful who you give your heart to.

    • linnietea September 7, 2015 at 12:40 am #

      Child, if he was 15 yrs younger than. You,you knew he was a player
      Learn. From. Your. Mistake,find a man…not a boy

    • Confused December 16, 2015 at 10:54 pm #

      Been there. Seemed so real. Hard to reconcile who I thought he was compared to who he really was. Ever have closure?

    • Geben April 8, 2016 at 9:34 pm #

      My lady is 50, and left me for a man 13 yrs my junior, it has killed me,
      I hope he’s doing exactly what your younger man did! There’s nothing wrong
      With me either, I look like Micky Rourke, the good version.

  8. me January 28, 2015 at 4:56 am #

    My ex moved far away with our 1 year old daughter who lit up my life like the 4th of July. 1800 miles away and through family court and many other very hurtful spiteful actions against me. Four years later I feel like I’m dying. I am dying. I sleep all the time I can’t feel any happiness and have ended up alone. My soul cries every day, I wake up crying, I miss my daughter so bad. So bad so bad so bad! :'(

    • Yammie June 22, 2015 at 11:27 pm #

      My Goodness I know how you feel,one step at a time my friend,one breath at a time,first accept the things that has happen,next constantly reach out to your daughter even if you send cards in the mail,it will allow some type of connection for you.Most importance pray,do all you can to get your desires met concerning your daughter.

  9. m January 23, 2015 at 10:19 pm #

    You wont believe my story as its so complicated but ill try my best to share it. I met an amazing man on line 2 years ago and completely fell for him. True love. when we met he told me he had been separated for 8 months from his wife of 12 years, mainly because she wanted a baby and he couldn’t have children. I already have a daughter so I accepted this fate. At the beginning I asked him if he still loved his wife and to his reply was, no. I will always care about her but he would never go back. Things blossomed and he eventually said he felt love for me. However after 5 months his wife announces she is coming back to their marital home. I found this so hard to deal with but he reassured me and came to live with me. Unfortunately this didn’t reassure me as it gave him the opportunity to call home whenever he liked, to grab post or fix jobs ect It gets worse….he goes out to his local a few times and ends up at his house for the night whilst im going out of my mind. Eventually this stops, however out of the blue he disappears for a whole week and calls me to tell me his wife had a baby (not his but another mans) I know this is true as I would have been pregnant by now. So for 10 months he has lied to me and hidden this secret. I asked him if she came home with a new baby in hope that he would become a father figure? But he repeatedly said no. Bearing in mind my daughter now calls him step-dad! from then on I had very little trust in his feelings for me, especially when I find out he took he car shopping and when i’ve asked about getting a divorce and selling his house he becomes shifty in his behaviour. Id had enough in November and told him enough was enough, sent him packing. He goes back home (apparently staying in the boxroom)? and starts to txt he cant bear the thought of not having me in his life and that with his wifes permission hes going to put the house up for sale. At this point im getting sucked back in and really believe him so I agree to see him at weekends. Then just before Christmas he gives up his job which I kind of think is to bide the time he has in selling. I flipped. He’d not gone home since Christmas and it was now the second week of jan, and there I am as always paying for food and bills, whilst he helps pay half a mortage! I told him what kind of future do we have if he still wants to keep everything with his x? Id had enough and told him to go home for good and not to come back.
    He has txt me to ask if I would send him photos of our holiday and that he loves me and misses me?

    Although I ended it, my heart is totally broken. I thought he wanted me but I don’t think he can let go of his past, weather or not its sexual, hes struggling to separate his past.

    What do you guys think to my story, I would appreiciate honest feedback, even if its negative towards me.
    Thankyou x

    • thulanie June 3, 2015 at 3:06 am #

      Your story is so painfully hey and hope you can recover and find the right man. For the sake of your daughter because while you trying to find Mr right you gonna have to interact with maybe 3 or 4 guys and the lil one can adopt that men are suppose to be changed

    • Debbie July 12, 2015 at 8:51 pm #

      You did the right thing! But you don’t sound open to giving yourself a new chance with someone else. It’s very hard to let go of dreams when they seemed so close! But the anxiety of it all is enough to drive you crazy. You need someone detached and 100 per cent for you! This guy is being sucked in because another man couldn’t live up to his responsibility and that woman just knew she’d get a baby By way she could! Too much drama. He has one foot in the past and one in the future and pissing on today! Good writtens!

  10. andy January 23, 2015 at 9:34 pm #

    Ahhh I am in grief right now. I had an 8 year long distance relationship (it wasnt completely long distance, we saw each other from time to time). We met in person when I was visiting her country and immediately hit it off. Everything was fine until…

    4 years ago I had a stroke.

    After the stroke my parents came to live with me.My mom did not like this girl at all. Bear in mind I was coming out of a brain injury so I could not think clearly.

    My mom disliked the fact that this girl called me often while I was sick. There were also other little things she disliked about her.

    Long story short, I decided to distance myself from this girl.

    After a couple of months of distancing, I talked to my mom and solved other pressing issues.

    Everything was fine now.

    I was going to ask her to marry me.

    Then I found out that she has had a boyfriend for the last 4 months.

    I am in so much emotional pain.

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