When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

You are sitting with your cell phone staring at a text message you wrote to your ex hours ago. You debate whether to send it or not. You stare at your phone while your mind tells you to have more respect for yourself. You logically understand that sending the message is not going to make the situation any better – nor will it heal your pain. Then your heart enters the scene and overpowers your mind. Your heart says, “Go ahead, send it, you will feel better…temporarily at least.”

The scenario above represents one example of a misalignment between your heart and your mind that is a common occurrence after a break up. Every decision you make is determined by a combination of your logic and emotion. If these different elements that make you who you are happen to conflict, you will understandably feel conflicted and make decisions that reflect this turmoil.

The concept of alignment will help you understand why you may have been in a relationship that was not good enough for you. It will also help you understand how to use your logic to help heal your broken heart. Let’s look at some more examples of what happens when your heart and mind disagree with one another.

Scenario 1 – During the Relationship

Your mind says, “I deserve more – this relationship is not right.”
Your heart says, “Stay, it will work out.”

If you were in a relationship where it was obvious that you were not receiving the love, respect, and engagement that you deserve, then your mind was probably nudging you during the relationship and asking you, “Why are we still here?” You remained in that relationship for longer than you should have because your heart believed that your mate and relationship could change.

Your heart believed that it was better to be in a relationship that was mediocre than to be alone. Your heart was saying to you, “Hey, give it a chance, it’s not that bad.” Your mind and heart were not aligned and this probably led to fighting, to an internal struggle, and eventually the break up. Often when we want more from a relationship than we are getting, we continually try to get ‘more’ by attempting to change the person we are with or by forcing other changes in the relationship. This is generally a destructive path.

Scenario 2 – During the Relationship

Your heart says, “This relationship is everything I need.”
Your mind says, “There are red flags here that I shouldn’t ignore.”

When one partner in a relationship is not happy, they usually provide indications either verbally, in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, or via non-verbal actions of their discontent. If you are the other partner that is madly in love, you do actually receive the red flags as signals in your mind. Unfortunately, your heart overpowers your logic in this case. Your heart speaks so loudly about how in love you are and how perfect everything is, that you drown out the messages your mind has received.

Eventually, after the break up, it is easier to see the red flags were present in your relationship. You also may realize that some of the reason you were deeply attached to your ex was because you loved the idea of being in love. If you relate to this scenario, remember, you deserve a love with equal give and take. Reciprocity is essential to the success of a relationship and you should never have to convince someone to love you as much as you love them.

Scenario 3 – After the Break Up

Your mind says, “I am going to be okay. In fact, before long, I’m going to feel like myself.”
Your heart says, “The pain is excruciating, I don’t think I will ever feel at peace again.”

After your break up, if you sit quietly and listen to your inner voice, you will hear hope inside. This hope is telling you that you will feel better, that you will live life once again with passion, and that you will experience love once again. The information you are being sent from your mind  is based on your history and the fact that you have overcome obstacles in the past. Your mind remembers the times where you have faced adversity and have come out on the other side stronger and brighter. Your heart is speaking out of fear; listen to your mind – it has a strong basis for giving you hope.

Listen to words from friends, family, and counselors even if they do not feel like they are helping to heal your broken heart. Every single word helps. Listen to every word someone with experience has to tell you. Up until now, we haven’t discussed the subconscious mind. Positive messages to your subconscious mind can overpower negative ones from your heart. Everything you are reading and listening to about healing is entering your subconscious and will help you heal faster.

Above I have discussed the logical mind being overpowered by a somewhat illogical heart. Please note, the situation can certainly occur in reverse. Your heart may experience genuine love yet have seeds of doubt planted by an insecure mind. In either situation, if you are looking to heal your heartache from your current break up, please know it is possible.

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Hi there, thanks for writing in. I’m out of the office today, but wanted to let you know I received your email and will get back to you by tomorrow.

Love & Light,

Amelie Chance
Certified Coach of Positive Psychology
Heal My Broken Heart


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460 Responses to “When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up”

  1. Kiara September 9, 2016 at 4:11 am #

    I’m 16 and a sophomore in high school. I met my ex boyfriend, I should call him my ex cuz he dumped me. But anyway I first met him when I was in 8th grade and he was in 7th. We had an on and off relationship but we tried to make it work cuz we loved each other. We got back together after another breakup in July of this year. On Tuesday night he texted me telling me he was breaking up with me and he just wanted to be friends. And so I asked him why and he wouldn’t tell me a real reason why. My friend Autumn found out he broke up with me and asked him what happened and why he did it and he said it was because he has more priorities than to be focused on me and I’m guessing that means he doesn’t care about me anymore. It’s just a long complicated confusing story. So he broke up with me Tuesday night. Ever since then I’ve been in so much pain. Heartbroken, crying, locking myself up in my room whenever I possibly could, and I’m now finding myself to be very irritable with people. Most of the time it’s for no reason. Like very little things will piss me off. My friends have told me to try focusing on other things besides him but I don’t think I can cuz I still love him. And I feel stupid, dumb, and guilty for it. I really don’t know what to do right now. He really hurt my heart and I don’t know why in the heck I still love him.

  2. khushboo September 4, 2016 at 6:37 pm #

    I am 24 and never believed in love, but don’t know how fell in love last yr…things were going good, both of us informed our family and there were no issues from their side. But the real drama came when he started loosing interest in me and our meeting and time of talking together started reducing. In the starting it was like okay, there shd be some freedom also friends also but now after break up am thinking that was our biggest mistake. Now what all i can see in his eyes is anger when am talking with other guys and carefree attitude towards me which always left me crying secretly every now and then. If you are still in love then please make a note talking and sharing your emotions everyday is a must for happy relationship.

  3. chris April 29, 2016 at 1:39 am #

    Heart brake syndrome is a real medical term used by professional medical practitioners. I have read some serious responses to this topic in many forms and although you may not realize you’re writing about having broken heart syndrome & I apologize to those of you whom feel I might be a bit obtuse in my writing suggesting this here but to all of you, God bless your loving hearts. Think of those, along the road in your life who did/do love you. Think about how happy they made/make you, how happy they leave/left you feeling, how happy you leave/left them feeling. Sometimes, lovers were just not meant to be together for one reason or another. We all have many pages in our book of life, some of us are in the 20th chapter, on page 65,839, others in the 120th chapter, on page 2 million something and may have even read a couple chapters from others books as well. Just because we see all the wrong, unjust, unequaled, un-loving doings of another, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us. Nor does it mean there’s anything wrong with them. Being immature, unjust and un-loving is just another part of being a human being. We are all animals, some of us can see this fact, while others hide from it in our distorted psychological viewpoints. It doesn’t matter if your whole relationship, you where nagging, jealous, stalking them , yelling, cuddling, kissing, hugging or even being lazy and doing nothing; as long as you loved the person you where with, that’s all that counts. That is, all that counts towards having broken heart syndrome, once its over. Now on the other hand, if you want a clear mind, take some college courses. That will require you to spend your hard earned money, in turn focusing your attention on other things, other then your heart. Unfortunately, I haven’t registered yet and my health is deteriorating as a direct cause of broken heart syndrome. I know this because every time I get dumped, I go through it. I guess I’m getting paid back for all the stupid things I do in life.

    Enough about my sorry rear end. Don’t drown in your sorrows like I have; it’s not worth it. If anything, it makes you even more unattractive, drying out your tear ducts, increasing the frown wrinkles in your face, cracking your voice from crying too loud and some of us even bang our heads against walls, leaving bruises on our foreheads, punching walls, leaving scars on our hands. At first, while we are delusional ( or still in love), we may consider these things cool, but, after years of aging, we come to realize how far from cool these things are. No, I never banged my head against a brick wall over love but as a child, seeing friends doing it, I thought was a cool thing and now realize how delusional we all can be.

    Good luck & God bless your roads!!!

    • chris April 29, 2016 at 1:42 am #

      Heart BREAK Syndrome. Darn autocorrect!??&@%#

  4. Thembi March 15, 2016 at 8:48 am #

    Thank you for this wonderful mind vs heart explanation. I’m currently struggling through a really bad heartbreak. I was with this guy for a total of 1 year 8 months. And if I’m really honest with myself, I’d say we “honestly” dated for 9 months of the that year and 8 months. When this guy approached me, I remember laughing to myself thinking, this guy really thinks I’d date him, he was far from being my type and I kept brushing him off. He had told me that he has a child and the mother of his child is in his life because he’s trying to keep his child close to him. But he assured me that he wasn’t married. 2 months down the line from him constantly never giving up on trying to get me to be with him, I eventually gave in. Needless to say, I totally and completely fell in love with the guy. He was everything I needed, said all the right things, did all the right things. He was there. 6 months into it, my mind started asking questions, like why does it feel like this guy avoids your calls at certain times, or why is it that he wont introduce you to any member of his family, or why does he seem nervous every time I mention him meeting my family. With these questions, I started asking HIM the questions. Every time I did, he’d turn around and tell me I’m crazy and overreacting to things that aren’t there. And of course, my heart over took my mind and fell for that. But since then, we started fighting on a constant. I saw him less. Spoke to him less. The little things that he used to do that made me fall in love with him eventually stopped. I’d break up with him and a week later he’d call me and ask if I’ve calmed down. All the time, it was my fault, he was never in the wrong. And every time he’d come back to win me over, my heart would say “you know what Thembi, you over reacted and he loves you, take him back because he makes you happy”. This back and forth with my mind and heart and between him and I carried on until a week ago. After not speaking for a while, he messaged me to ask if I missed him as much as he did, and of course, being the smitten woman that I am over him, I was honest and told him I missed him a lot. Then he started talking about how our relationship would be so wonderful if I just showed respect for the fact that he has children, NOTE how now it’s CHILDREN, but when we started it was a CHILD. Anyway, I fell for it again and started to feel happy that I have him back in my life. I kid you not, 3 or 4 hours later, I messaged him and asked him if he still loved me. He didn’t respond. So I sent a message back saying “yes, or no?” he responded “no”. Confused as hell, I picked up the phone and called him. That was call that would break me to complete pieces. Over the phone call, I asked him what he meant. Do you love me or not, I asked. His response was, “you know what, you and I are over, I cant do this with you. you clearly don’t understand the concept of love, but when you do one day, you must call me.” At that point I’m confused beyond confusion. So I say “then that means I’ll never call you back because I DO know what love is” and I hung up. He proceeded to send me a message wishing me well and all the best and said “bye”. Just like that all the love I had for this man was thrown right back in my face. When I responded to say to him ‘you’re killing me’ he said ‘well, kill yourself if you want, I don’t care’. The humiliation. The pain. The hurt. The confusion. The ‘what just happened’ took over all that am. This man clearly had/has a wife. She was never just the mother of his child. He played me all along. Dragged me along to no where. All those promises of us being together till the day we die. All those “I love you’s” that he gave me where ALL a lie! I don’t know how another human being can mess with someone’s heart so much and so badly and still sleep at night. I’m so broken and hurt and worse of all I feel SO humiliated. The person I loved NEVER EVER loved me. And when he said it to me, HE NEVER MEANT IT. I honestly don’t know how I’ll ever get over this. I can only pray to God for healing and forgiveness in my heart. This man crushed me. I’m 33 years old, and this is my first ever heartbreak. I don’t wish this upon my worst enemy. My mind tried to warn me and get me out of it, but this is where my heart took me.

  5. Susie March 7, 2016 at 3:31 am #

    I’m so heart broken, even now. I’m sitting here, alone and crying with anxiety while my boyfriend is doing his own thing. I don’t even think he’s as upset as I am. We both agreed to give each other a week, but all my mind and heart and even stomach are doing are telling me to leave. I’ve been unhappy with my boyfriend for quite some time. He’s done things and said things that make me feel so stupid and belittled, no matter how good I have been to him. I care so much and love him so much but he doesn’t appreciate it like he used to in the beginning. I thought we would take things slow but it didn’t happen. Everything was so great, but red flags were popping up. For instance, he kept talking to the girls he dated and would pass it off as just being friends, and ending things on a good note with them. I stopped talking to my guy friends, exes and guys I dated out of respect for him and myself but he couldn’t do the same. I would fight him over that. It hurt a lot. I know I get jealous but its not right to date someone new, but still flirt with exes or strangers or even coworkers two weeks before my birthday. We kept trying to make this work. I stuck around, making up excuses for him but nothing ever got fixed. I was always blamed for everything no matter what, even if it was a joke. He kept putting me down, insulting me, my family and my lifestyle. He insulted what I enjoyed, and made me not want to touch it ever again. I don’t even like some clothes I wore around him because he told me it made me look fat or pregnant.. it hurt. I’m so close to leaving him. I’m giving us this week, not talking or anything. But I want to go back over to his place and grab my things and walk away fro the last time. It is possible to leave an abusive relationship. It hurts like hell and its going to hurt because I still love that stupid man, but you have to listen to yourself too.

  6. Carla February 26, 2016 at 11:44 pm #

    I don’t know where to start… I am 48 and live with my brother,dad,girlfriend and her 3 kids. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and she comes to me on Feb 2 . Tells me that she wants me to start seeing other people and having different relationship.. seems my brother told her over Christmas that he was in love with her and she wanted to explore and see if he is what she wanted but she don’t want me to move out.. I can’t now.. my dad has cancer and iam the only child able to take care of him.so before she told me all this..I quit my job thinking..OK I will take care of daddy and have more time with her…then she tells me this .. and 2weeks later my brother and her are a couple and I am living in the house having to watch them together on a daily thing….someone please help

  7. LBoogie11428 February 8, 2016 at 9:58 pm #

    I’ve recently found your site after my first love decided to cheat on me, father a child, lie, disrespect and hurt me for the second time in my life. The first time was when I was 24 years old when he told me over the phone that our relationship wasn’t going to work. This was during the same time that my father fell ill and I didn’t have the coping skills to deal with the two most important men in my life not being there. I internalized all of my feelings and did things to hurt myself in the process. I made bad decisions and promised to get better by seeking therapy. Over time, I met someone new, got engaged and was on the path I had hoped to be on. Unfortunately as much as I loved this person, he had physical intimacy issues that plagued us for 6+ years of our 8 year relationship. During this time, I encouraged, asked him to seek therapy and stayed celibate until he was ready. The toll that this took on my self esteem wasn’t felt until I left the relationship 8 months before I was to get married. During the time I decided to leave, I reconnected with my first love again 11 years later and all the feelings came back as I’ve never forgotten about him or stopped loving him. It was during this time that he told me about him cheating and fathering a child but didn’t have the courage to tell me so he just disappeared after 3 years of dating. Over the years I had to learn to forgive him because I learned in therapy that it was holding me back and essentially I wanted to because we were both very young. We continued to correspond and that’s when I learned that he married the mother of his child but was going through a divorce. I was told she isn’t legal in the US and won’t sign divorce papers until she gets her citizenship. I was also told that his daughter was still scarred from their break-up and didn’t want a new “mother”. I believe all of this and his apology to me for what happened when we were younger. Months later, we started a romantic relationship and I finally felt that I was where I belonged. My heart and soul felt that they were back where they were the happiest. He found me desirable, sexy, beautiful and was vocal about his love and feelings for me for the last two years. I thought we were moving in the right direction but taking it slowly. I was never easy about him still being married on paper and was very vocal about it. Last week, he asks to come by as he needed to talk to me. I knew something was wrong but wasn’t prepared for what was to come. He told me that after he separated from his wife, he started to see another woman on and off for 10 years. They reconnected and he’s been seeing both of us at the same time. He also found out that day, that he has a 10 year old son. Finally, he said that didn’t love me and that our time together had “ran its course” when we were younger and that we were never meant to be together. He then proceeds to tell me that he still loves this other woman and wants to be in both her and their son’s life. It felt as if three semi-trucks hit me back to back. I started having a panic attack and could not breathe. I don’t remember much of what I said but I asked him to leave my home and never call/contact me. The icing on the cake was when he asked me to tell her if she called that we weren’t together. To lie to someone I didn’t even know to save him. I said no. Today, I’m still numb. I feel like I’m in a dream and that I’ll eventually wake up. I rotate from anger, hurt, frustration, love, disappointment, fear, and can’t sleep or eat. Please, no judgements. We all have our own story…this was mine.

  8. Rico January 27, 2016 at 10:00 am #

    I fell in love with a friend of a family member. She ticked off every box for me. Her personality was incredible, she really had a heart of gold. She was a little on the fluffy side but that didnt mean a thing to me, she was beautiful in my eyes. The only blip on her was that she had 2 young kids from a previous relationship that didnt end well, but i got to know the kids and it became less of a problem as time went by. I was in the army when i met her – we would speak everyday on the phone and whenever i was on leave i would always be at her place visiting. Over time i developed feelings for her but didnt have the courage to express it to her. This went on for roughly 4 months up until i was honourably discharged from the army. I eventually built up enough courage to tell her how i felt, and she felt the same way and love blossomed at that point. I was in love with her, i wanted to hold her, treat her good, look after her. 3 weeks have past and At this point i was job hunting too. I made a dozens of job applications but was getting no responses. Jobs in this country are hard to comeby unfortunately, but i wanted to be patient and wait because of her. However things still look bleak and many think its best i go abroad to continue studies and build a career. She has encouraged me to do so but i dont feel ready to give her up. Last night we went on our first date without the kids. But deep inside we both knew it was pointless. We are both hurting – i dont know what to do. Her coming with me isnt an option according to her because of the kids. Just like the article says my mind says one thing but my heart wants another. Im lost guys i really am.

  9. Marie January 25, 2016 at 2:08 am #

    I was with my man going on 13 years he just up n walk away for another woman I can’t think straight can’t stop crying can’t eat don’t even want to get out of bed I been with him since I was 16 he is the only life I know that I want .. my heart or brain is stuck on giving up .. I wish I could turn them both off..

  10. JustAGirl January 22, 2016 at 3:07 am #

    I just went through this website trying to cope with what i’ve been dealing with with my boyfriend of almost two years. I have the whole “shabang” going for me, the meeting the family, the visiting, the dates, whatever else..
    However, lately i’ve felt all the mind & heart feelings written above. I’m about lost for words. I’ve been trying to put my foot down lately to my boyfriend that I’m just not his priority. He has other things to do on his mind (not going to go into that) he’s never cheated on me or anything, but I don’t see him as much as I used to. I end up crying every night over him ignoring me, just not talking to me, or whatever else.. I care way too much for him, and the only reason I stay is that I hope it will end up possible. “Once you choose hope, anything is possible.” ~ Christopher Reeve (it’s at the bottom of this page).. I really don’t want to go further into my story other than the fact that I tell all my girlfriends how they shouldn’t take any garbage from a guy, yet I take all of it with mine. I’ve had sex with him, been with him, I feel fully commited to him, always texting or trying to be with him.. He just doesn’t exactly feel the same. He didn’t break up with me or anything, but he’s not as coommited.. he doesnt care like I do you know? I put my foot down and I told him I wasn’t bothering him anymore, hoping he’d come back with an apology so we can finally be together like I wanted, but so far all thats happened is me tearing up to websites like this and staring at my phone. I never stop crying and I just want to be happy again.

  11. Jess January 3, 2016 at 12:27 pm #

    Im 34 yrs old I was with my boyfriend of 10 years. I’ve known him since high school. Though I dated long term before. He’s the first person I grown to love more and more with time. I was hoping to have kids and get married one day. He broke up with me for 3 months before saying he didn’t want to get married before 4 years ago. He begged for me back and said he did see us together and said he would do anything to make it up to me. A couple days after New Year’s he decided to break up again. Saying he didn’t feel the same anymore and still doesn’t want to get married. I said we just been distance because I’ve been working 3 jobs because he had asked me to move in with him. (I had been working full/over time for a month straight.) He recently reunited with old friends and started doing cocaine them. I found out through several of his texts. He hung out with them New Years and, during the break up also claimed, he doesn’t have fun with me anymore. I can’t help to think it’s about he newly reunited friends and my dislike of people who use cocaine (which he never used before during our relationship). As well as a vindictive girl who does things dispite me just because I dated her husband in junior high.(There was pics of her and him all over social media from New Years). We never fight and we made love alot. He said he’s been feeling this way for a while dispite the fact he ask me to move in with him months ago. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
    Confused, lost and hurt.

  12. Raymond osei Boateng January 2, 2016 at 1:02 pm #

    Please help to get out from brokenheart am so worried and don’t know what to do. I was with a lady just about 5months ago, during the xmas, she changed her mind to be with me and now my heart is broken and soo depress.

  13. Ryan November 25, 2015 at 3:37 am #

    Hi there. My name is Ryan and there is currently enough water in my eyes, along with that gnawing sickness from reeling due to relationship withdrawal. Let me State for the record that I am indeed an addict and I have experienced nearly every type of withdrawal. So I know what it feels like and that sick feeling of not having the person there mimics the symptoms almost identically. That said, it’s been four years since the break up. We were together six years. While it was rocky and full of plenty of turbulence, I loved/love this person. She is 10 years older than me. I found that eventually the age difference does come into play. The whole saying “age is just a number” is something I no longer agree with. I suppose that in the end I should feel better by now. And while I have periods of time where I feel completely over it, healthy and very aware of just how toxic it was, this person is just not fading and I still don’t feel fully put together again. I noticed this article due to the mention of the heart and mind conflicting. Because that is exactly the case here. I’m at a loss. Intellectually I understand everything going on. But apart from numbing myself I get very little relief. As you mentioned: completely temporary of course. I know I should face it head-on, but the thing is I have. Hence my being at a loss. When I see people talking about how they were only with someone for a matter of months it almost comes off as insulting. Like I said, together six years, apart for four. It just doesn’t make sense. I should also state that I have not so capable or even had much interest in another sexual relationship. Something her and I shared on a molecular level. I do feel like someone else would help. But I just don’t have it in me to find anyone. Sigh. I don’t know if I will get an email notification should I get a response. But I’m also not sure anyone can help me. This woman is not simply some “cougar” because the love was very real, mutually. We did however start as an affair. I supposed to statistically no one ends up living happily ever after with their “lover”. Still, the only thing that feels like it will provide relief is heroin in my veins or feeling her presence next to mine. I suppose my situation is slightly different than most. Especially given the fact I’ve come clean about being an addict. I would like to think that’s what it is, but I’ve never heard of 4 year withdrawal. And while I’m not sure anyone can help me, I am in fact at a loss and would happily except some nonjudgmental feedback. Good luck to all of us. Truly.

    • Nia December 16, 2015 at 7:33 pm #

      Hi, sorry to hear your story. I am in the same shoe as you are. I am ok and excepted for what it is. I am trying to find an answer why so many have to go through all this events. As I look back in my past I myself also had consequences for my action back then. When I decided to leave my ex with out thinking clearly if my action would hurt anyone. The moment I decided to leave her I already have consequences and I already written my future. So, your action have consequences. What you sow it will reap. So, be mindful. Walk a clear path with clear conscious before you decided to take action. Everyone in this world have to learn and go through this events or it will repeated til you learn from your mistake.

    • Ands December 27, 2015 at 12:47 am #

      I feel the same right at this moment. I hate my life and myself for acting so desperate at times. I have loved, fell out of love, and love him again. For more than 4 years, though we were officially together for only 2 years. He just chose to let go of me and fall inlove with somebody else. What makes it more complicated is that he is my employee. I could have get over him already, but 10 months since he decided to love other girls, we still get attached with each other everytime we get close, or we get to be together, which is a lot of times. My heart just keep on hoping that may be someday he will finally realize how much he loves me still. But i found out he spent his christmas eve with his 8 months old girlfriend really broke my heart. As if the pain will kill me, or I wanted to die. I asked him to leave by that same day but he refused. Asking for 10 more days. But every minute of the pain just gets deeper, I just want him out of my life, never get to hear from him or see him. It is very very hard for me to let go of him as an employee because he knows everything about my business, and I trust him with the problems, and he can do a lot of things to lighten the job, and we started it together. I am thinking of drinking alcohol but I can’t stand the bitterness. I want to try to get high so I can’t feel the pain. I am praying that may God take this pain away already. We’ve been hurting each other for more than 2 years. I can only pray..

      • Dee Le February 25, 2016 at 3:07 am #

        So sorry to here that miss. you actually are in a difficult situation. I have to say you must be really strong to stand that happening in front of you. If that was me, I could never do that. My bf just broke up with me last month. We were together for the past 4 years. Breakups hurt. I think he left an empty hole in your heart – a deep cut, maybe all you need is someone coming to fill it up, to replace the pain with love and care. I hope it will happen to you soon. You deserve a good man who is deep in love with you and willing to make you happy. Stay strong and positive! Tight hugs.

    • Becky Strand December 28, 2015 at 12:11 am #

      Four years is not that long or uncommon. I went out with a guy for 7 years and he cheated on me. I was devastated to say the least. Once a cheater always a cheater so I left him. I wanted to marry this guy and he broke my heart. I could not get out of bed, I did not feel joy in any of my activities. I felt like I could not go on without him. I thought about him all the time, morning noon and night. It took me almost 4 years to get over him, until the joy came back and the days were no longer grey. There is no time limit on this stuff. The heart heals at its own pace. Its now 20 years later and I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 13 years and we have two wonderful children. Things happen for a reason, and they don’t happen when and where we want them to but in the end things always work out for the best. Maybe you had to go through all this because the next girl is going to be “the one” and you needed to experience all that turbulence and pain so that you could be a better man for this new love that will someday come into your life. Stay strong- Do not pick up the heroin, I knew 3 people that did and now they are dead. You sound like a wonderful caring man, don’t let that go to waste. Good luck my friend…..

      • Tobe February 13, 2016 at 3:30 pm #

        Thank you that was beautiful. I agree but in my case we were married for 20 years. I can’t believe it’s Gods will for a marriage to dissolve but I do agree through his grace alone a better beginning may come to be. Although this is still fresh and I don’t truly believe it’s for the best yet…I am trying too…

      • ruthi rose March 21, 2016 at 8:51 pm #

        I really hope this is how my story turns out. I am completely broken, but I believe that God will get me through this. I believe someday I will see a better day. I thank you for your comment as it gives me hope.

    • MISS January 10, 2016 at 11:01 pm #

      Get rid of all your keepsakes or at least lock them away far out of site. Stop all contact with her. Write a letter letting her go. Love yourself harder and know that if you can love the wrong one this hard inagine how much more so you will love the right one. But you have to be free and ready for the right one and she will find you. Best of luck ☺

    • Jen May 25, 2016 at 3:38 pm #

      I had a similar situation except might only lasted for 4 months and 23 days. It was my very first relationship. I dated a person who was 4 years younger than me. I also believed the love was mutual and true. We made so many promises and planned things out. We decided to end it because of our parents and the age differences. Even though my heart kept saying i should continue on, my mind was always telling me this is wrong. I know for me, once i decide on something I will never look back. Even on our very last day and the break up, we tried our best to end it on a good note. We both cried that day, but who knows what the future will bring. If he wasn’t meant to be and he didn’t belong to me in the first place, he never will be no matter how much i try to fight it. Maybe it was destiny and fate that we would meet, but it also the same if we were not suppose to be together. This is what is helping me get over him. I hope it helps you too. I always tell myself if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t and i am meant for something better. I hope you heal okay and I can’t imagine how i would feel if i was in your shoes. I would probably feel the same way too. Take care of yourself.

    • Lee June 2, 2016 at 12:43 pm #

      Your mentioning of addiction really hit the nail on the head. Exactly how I would describe my relationship with “her.” Met her when I was 15, she was 17. Lied and told her I was 16 so she’d date me, so relationship began with a simple “untruth.” Dated her on and off for seven years, the “off” part because of geographic distance more than anything else. Could not get her out of my mind. Wake up in the morning and there she was in my thoughts. Went to bed dreaming of her.

      She treated me badly towards the end of the seven years and I didn’t handle it well and treated her badly in return. She married someone else. The rational me decided that I needed to forget her and move on. Did that. Met nice girl. Had much better relationship with her, both better suited for each other. Still couldn’t forget “her” but pushed her out of my mind.

      Nine years go by. She gets divorced. I’m happy with two kids but still can’t totally let go of “her.” Run in to her. We talk. She confesses her stupidity for letting me go, enchanting music to my ears and heart. Head starts swimming. Endorphins ganging up on me. Dopamine tearing my common sense out of my head. Began torrid three year affair with her. It’s everything I thought of and more.

      Only problem is, leaving family for “her” would be the most self-centered thing I could have ever done. Won’t leave them and can’t let go of “her.” Agony, every day. Sheer agony. Tearing me apart. The wrongness of it is incredible. How could something that was once so beautiful be so wrong? Driving me nuts. Negatively impacting my job, marriage and total life.

      Finally, with the powerful assistance of Almighty God to whom I prayed and prayed for a solution, I told her it had to end. And end it did, but in my mind I still harbored the thought thought that some day it would be the two of us.

      Story doesn’t end there. That’s when the really difficult time began. The leaving was the easy part compared to staying away, especially when she began to date someone else. Head pounding, heart racing, mind won’t let go. The thought of her with someone else more than I can stand. Hit rock bottom. All alone I start screaming out to God to help me, please help me!!

      I’d like to say that there was immediate relief, but that would be a lie. The relief came gradually, as rational thought edged out the endorphins. It’s as if God was making sure the lesson stuck with me by making the withdrawal so hard and prolonged. I absolutely know I won’t be going to hell because I’ve already been there.

      Now it’s been twenty seven years since I pulled away and she’s still in the back of my mind. Talk to her every now and then, but that’s it. We’re in our 60’s now and she’s still “the one.” But, time and prayers have worked wonders on my broken heart. I am finally free from the dopamine rush and see her more rationally.

      I have let go and let The Lord drive. It is truly the only thing that saved me. He has worked wonders on my very soul. Yes, if I were ever single again I would go straight to her but that will be because it is God’s will, not mine. Instead of focusing my life and efforts on what I want, I tried focusing on what I could do for others. In return, God has given me back my soul. I am so very thankful it brings me nearly to tears every time I think of it. There is hope for all of us if it was possible for me to pull out of that nosedive. Praise The Lord, truly, for He has saved me from the worst despair ever imaginable. It was the only path that helped.

    • Lala September 18, 2016 at 10:17 pm #


      It is now September of 2016. Are things better now for you? Your story was so touching.

  14. Fred November 23, 2015 at 4:00 pm #

    I was dating this girl for about a month but I liked this SOO MUCH. We were always together, always talk, laugh, have jokes, and we knew each other very good. And we were with a bunch of friends one night and she ignored me and we didn’t talk that night and our friends wanted us to talk and I told her how I felt and that I like her a lot and all she said was “I don’t know”. She talked to other friends on how she felt and said she kind of liked me and that I was her first real relationship and all that stuff. So the next day I texted her and told her to be completely honest and tell me how she feels and she said how she wants to break up cause she needs time to her self and that we can still talk and she won’t move on. I didn’t answer that and later that night I texted her saying I still like her and I’m always there for her no matter what. It’s been three weeks and I’ve been talking to her as a friend and it’s been terrible. Sometimes we have conversations and it’s like she still likes me and sometimes it’s not like that. I try to tell myself to move on but I just can’t. She’s always on my mind, I can’t stop thinking about her and o can’t stop thinking about all the good times we had and I just miss her a lot. I don’t know what to do…

  15. Malish September 21, 2015 at 4:48 am #

    I just brokeup with my ex who was with me for only 7months. We stayed together and we spent everytime together, we had trips, we met each other family, we were so happy! Until one day he started to complain about my behaviour. He said i was so difficult, always accused him and so many other things. He then said he wanted to break up. I was shocked because as i knew we fought just like normal couple, we even barely fought over things. Its like once in a few weeks. He put all the blames on me. He made me believe its all my faults. One day we met his friend and his friend started to tell about him. He said my bf never had time to have a lunch with them, always seemed busy with you, and any other things. I mean he chose to! He was just at home playing game and he never said to me that his friends invite him somewhere. He was even just too lazy to go somewhere. Its not my fault! They blamed me over things that i didnt even know and my ex bf never told me about it. I cried not because i felt guilty but because i felt manipulated by my own bf. He never complained anything during our relationship but i know he kept it. He asked advise from his friend when he knew nothing about us. I know his friend didnt like me but pretended that he did. I sometimes found his friend message asking to go to pool party with girls and then next time he would say to me that me and my bf (ex now) were good couple and he wished us the best. He even admitted me that he used to ask my bf to find another girl just in case my bf bored of me. He knew nothing about the contributions i shared during my relationship with my ex.
    2 weeks ago my bf asked me have a break under “this friend” advice. We both agree that we would take this break as a time to ease the anger. We agreed that we wouldnt date/flirt/hookup with other guy/girl when we were on break. I then moved out from his place and stay with my friends. During the break time he chat me every single day and we even met. Just like normal couple, we held hands and kissed. I thought the break was the best idea eventho i got many negative comments from my friends. I knew he finally spent his time with his friends. I knew they went to club every weekend, they smoke weed almost every night, they literally did all the things single dudes do (except play with girls). After almost 2 weeks we were on break he said to me he felt frustrated. By that moment he was drinking. I tried to call him but he didnt wanna answer he just wanted to talk through chat. He said his company reduced his salary and cut 2 weeks from it. I asked him why he said because his work was not satisfying during this past weeks. He was devastated and frustrated as he just signed a contract at this company. He also talked me that he felt like shit because he couldnt pass the test from other company. He said he felt stupid because all the questions were easy but he couldnt answer them correctly. I gave my time to calm his down as he always talked to me when he had problems. I said i got your back and i even tried to contact my sister in case she knew any company who offers job. I literally did everything as i always did when we were still okay. I said to him to calm down and stop drinking. But h didnt want to listen. The next day i went to his house because we had plan to go to zoo. I sat in his bed and he laid his head and i smiled i said i will always be there for you. We hugged each other and he suddenly said please dont this to me. I noticed everytime we almost dissolved by the emotion he always pushed me away. Its like theres something inside his mind.
    After i came back from zoo i went to my friend’s place and she was checking her tinder at the moment. She suddenly shocked and asked me is this your bf? I was also shocked to see him in tinder. My friend asked me should i swipe right? I said yes. And they both matched. I straight up called him with my friend’s number. It was so noisy like in the club/bar. I asked him when did he use the tinder? He said few days ago i said its written your last seen was an hour ago. He just said wtf wtf wtf. I asked him to delete that app. He said yes. I ended the call and cried but my friend chat him on tinder said that hes a coward, he let his gf hang on break and play with this app. He then replied to my friend with alot of nasty stuffs. “Fuck you bitch! Why did you even swipe right to your friend’s bf profile? Me personally swiped right to you just to prove to my friends that you are a slut…..*many curse words*”. My friend tried to calm me down and said i was being too good in this relationship and its time to let it end. I tried to make up my mind and totally agreed with her. The next day i came to his house to get my stuffs. I was shocked when he opened the door he was with his friend smoking weed. He looked high and whole of the apartment was hazy. I packed my stuffs and once its done i asked him to come inside the bedroom talk to me. I asked “what are you doing on tinder?” he said “having fun”. I said “you have a gf do you even think about me when you are playing there?” He said “I had not have”. I step closer and i asked it again “what??” He said “i had gf. so now can you please take your stuffs and go?” I was so mad and cracked, my hands were shaking and my heart pounded so fast i couldnt control myself and i slapped his face. I took my stuffs and i said to him hes an asshole. I went down to the security and told them there are ppl smoking weed at (his floor). I went out from the apartment with very huge and heavy luggage. I tried to calm myself down so i smoked. I didnt know what happen to me. I cried without even noticing it. My hands were still shaking and the feelings hit me all at once.
    I couldnt believe someone i trusted, i loved could do that to me. I know its a lesson but its sad when i remember how we had so much plans together, to get married, to settle down in one country and be happy and it still brings me to tears when i know we end like this. I hate him so much now but i see him everytime i close my eyes. The worst part of broken heart is when i just wokeup. Especially when the nightmare woke me up. I stare side by side and hes not around. I miss the tighter hug i got when i wokeup in the midnight. I miss the kiss when i was sleeping. The goodnight. The taste of milk he made me every single night, the jokes, the smell, the greenish blue eyes, everything. I never knew we would be like this. Just a week before it happened we laid down in the jacuzzi of his house and he told me he was so happy to be with me and he loved me so much. Now it disappeared. Im still in pain eventho i know ill be alright. I still cant believe eventho i know this will reshape me to be better.


    • Jill April 2, 2016 at 2:26 am #

      Well I’m a total mess. I am a combat veteran and that seems to say enough…I can’t keep a relationship. I loved a guy for almost 20 yrs and tried to date others. To no avail most claim I’m demanding and to me I’m always lonely cause I need soooo much affection. Lately I have been trying to date after coming to terms with the 20yrs just isn’t happening. I found a literal squirrel eater tattooed head to toe total pot head he has horrible dude behavior and thinks it’s necessary to be a real man ugh and another guy who rediculously perfect does everything by a fairy tale and he’s a 40 yr old virgin and not exactly attractive. Wtf why can I just get it together. I do have high standards fine too high but I am always willing. I just don’t know why people just don’t do what seems awesome at the beginning of any relationship. That is what works! I think gods punishing me. I really am not a saint but for the love of god I don’t want any drugs in my life even if it’s in my bff life he is my extention. Unfortunately brain dead to compassion and affection. No ever wants or needs or stays as long as I do. And why must this perfect guy be a freakn virgin how the crap am I supposed to work with that being as I’m not attracted to him even though he’s so unreal perfect. I feel like a total nut and still too boy crazy. Such a waste of time really but my heart is empty and I’m so lonely even in a crowded room. I really wanted love and kids it’s just not happening like my punctuation lol anyways thank you for this site still hoping not sure why. Shold be done with the idea of love

      • Jill April 2, 2016 at 2:44 am #

        Guess my last comment on here wasn’t enough. I’m just sitting here with the squirrel pothead bored and if I try to kiss him he doesn’t want it. I’m so lonely. I guess as all my ex say I bitch too much. I’m not sure what to do. How can sharing every feeling be so bad. No matter what happens I still feel for the wrong guy. I have no idea what guys want. Maybe I should fall in love with a real man not just a boy. Some how the things that were funny quirks are now offensive and insensitive

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