When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

You are sitting with your cell phone staring at a text message you wrote to your ex hours ago. You debate whether to send it or not. You stare at your phone while your mind tells you to have more respect for yourself. You logically understand that sending the message is not going to make the situation any better – nor will it heal your pain. Then your heart enters the scene and overpowers your mind. Your heart says, “Go ahead, send it, you will feel better…temporarily at least.”

The scenario above represents one example of a misalignment between your heart and your mind that is a common occurrence after a break up. Every decision you make is determined by a combination of your logic and emotion. If these different elements that make you who you are happen to conflict, you will understandably feel conflicted and make decisions that reflect this turmoil.

The concept of alignment will help you understand why you may have been in a relationship that was not good enough for you. It will also help you understand how to use your logic to help heal your broken heart. Let’s look at some more examples of what happens when your heart and mind disagree with one another.

Scenario 1 – During the Relationship

Your mind says, “I deserve more – this relationship is not right.”
Your heart says, “Stay, it will work out.”

If you were in a relationship where it was obvious that you were not receiving the love, respect, and engagement that you deserve, then your mind was probably nudging you during the relationship and asking you, “Why are we still here?” You remained in that relationship for longer than you should have because your heart believed that your mate and relationship could change.

Your heart believed that it was better to be in a relationship that was mediocre than to be alone. Your heart was saying to you, “Hey, give it a chance, it’s not that bad.” Your mind and heart were not aligned and this probably led to fighting, to an internal struggle, and eventually the break up. Often when we want more from a relationship than we are getting, we continually try to get ‘more’ by attempting to change the person we are with or by forcing other changes in the relationship. This is generally a destructive path.

Scenario 2 – During the Relationship

Your heart says, “This relationship is everything I need.”
Your mind says, “There are red flags here that I shouldn’t ignore.”

When one partner in a relationship is not happy, they usually provide indications either verbally, in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, or via non-verbal actions of their discontent. If you are the other partner that is madly in love, you do actually receive the red flags as signals in your mind. Unfortunately, your heart overpowers your logic in this case. Your heart speaks so loudly about how in love you are and how perfect everything is, that you drown out the messages your mind has received.

Eventually, after the break up, it is easier to see the red flags were present in your relationship. You also may realize that some of the reason you were deeply attached to your ex was because you loved the idea of being in love. If you relate to this scenario, remember, you deserve a love with equal give and take. Reciprocity is essential to the success of a relationship and you should never have to convince someone to love you as much as you love them.

Scenario 3 – After the Break Up

Your mind says, “I am going to be okay. In fact, before long, I’m going to feel like myself.”
Your heart says, “The pain is excruciating, I don’t think I will ever feel at peace again.”

After your break up, if you sit quietly and listen to your inner voice, you will hear hope inside. This hope is telling you that you will feel better, that you will live life once again with passion, and that you will experience love once again. The information you are being sent from your mind  is based on your history and the fact that you have overcome obstacles in the past. Your mind remembers the times where you have faced adversity and have come out on the other side stronger and brighter. Your heart is speaking out of fear; listen to your mind – it has a strong basis for giving you hope.

Listen to words from friends, family, and counselors even if they do not feel like they are helping to heal your broken heart. Every single word helps. Listen to every word someone with experience has to tell you. Up until now, we haven’t discussed the subconscious mind. Positive messages to your subconscious mind can overpower negative ones from your heart. Everything you are reading and listening to about healing is entering your subconscious and will help you heal faster.

Above I have discussed the logical mind being overpowered by a somewhat illogical heart. Please note, the situation can certainly occur in reverse. Your heart may experience genuine love yet have seeds of doubt planted by an insecure mind. In either situation, if you are looking to heal your heartache from your current break up, please know it is possible.

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Pia,

Hi there, thanks for writing in. I’m out of the office today, but wanted to let you know I received your email and will get back to you by tomorrow.

Love & Light,

Amelie Chance
Certified Coach of Positive Psychology
Heal My Broken Heart
www.HealMyBrokenHeart.com

__________________________________

P.S. Are we friends? We should be – find me on twitter @ameliechance

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397 Responses to “When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up”

  1. mrs. neonee November 9, 2014 at 10:01 pm #

    I call myself mrs. Neonee coz my ex actually we just broke up yesterday… I use to call him neoneeour love story us little but different we stared each other for almost 1 year… I know he love me alot and i too… I dont know what cinnection we have but when one get hurts other usually came to know… Actually i belong from a family which will nevwr accept love marriage n in coming 2 years they will make me marry so because our relatiinship had no future so i asked him we should break up… He respected my decision n said , this is the incident of a month ago… But actually i couldn’t stop myself from messaging him n we started talking again but at the end of the day i use to speak this sentence “i think we should now broke up”… He fed up from me and asked a final decision n i said i want to meet you n then we will decide… The day i met him we got first time physical and i just hate it so u broked up with him because now i am feeling i cheated my parents i broked up with him but my heart is continuously saying me to msg him… How can i help it… Please anyone help me… I just want to stick to my decision

  2. Nayab November 9, 2014 at 9:29 am #

    I m suffering from sever anxiety nd depression ..my story is that i love someone nd want to marry him but his parents refused me and engaged him with other girl and he said me he can’t go against his parents because they are very sick but inspite of his engagement he wants to stay with me. .i couldn’t neglect him and i accepted .now I m suffering from sever anxiety as his marriage date is coming closer. He is doing his best for me to be happy but originally m not happy m dying from inside. .

  3. maribel October 16, 2014 at 8:29 pm #

    my post is long sorry…

    Wow all your stories , I can sooo relate to every single person on here..
    I was with someone for 7 years .. I was hands down in deep love with this man.. something about him made me fall for him.. at first I wasnt even that attracted but in time something about him.. tall, dark features, was really good with his money, I fell for maybe the wrong things.. but ONE thing that was always there and WEIRD was his friendship with his ex.. we battled alot over her… he swore I was insecure and crazy and defended her … fast fwd she moves away and our core issues come to light like his drug abuse and womanizing ( the womanizing he denied and lied) ..

    after years of being gone his ex moves back from another state.. .and WEEKS later he acts weird towards me.. suddenly he breaks it off.. after us being so off and on and me finally putting my foot down only for him to run back to me…and PROMISE me he was dedicated to me.. he left me and wouldnt tell me why then finally i find out its over her.. 7 years together, he plans to get back with her behind my back and within 3 weeks of us breaking up she already had moved in.. it gets better 6 months after that she got pregnant. I spent years with this man emotionally supporting him being his everything through thick and thin..

    shattered doesnt begin to describe the emotions I felt.. betrayed, lied to , angry.. especially his disgusting behavior after it happened .. his attitude was very “get over it” “im happy now i got my life toghether finally with the girl i want your nothing” the last time we spoke was the day I found out literally in August of 2012.. so over 2 years I have not spoken to this man and / nor wIll I under any circumstance.. this sick part is this ex of his never wanted him and always played games and shenangins on him .. I always told him it ws bizarre and weird and he never cut ties with her because in retrospect he pined for her..

    but in time and healing I have gotten to a good place… its not linear though.. occassionaly I have my moments but i really have gotten to a place where i value me and my life and i woul dnever deal with that again ..
    a part of me wants him to suffer and hurt like he hurt me .. no humility or decency, he treated me rotten and always made me feel dumb and stupid.. im highly educated and treat others well, he was a drug user liar and its my own fault for getting caught up in the web…. forgiveness is the hardest obstacle….. sometimes i wonder does he feel bad? is he really happy with her??? does he think of me? i mean 7 years of course when u leave and immediataly have someone else its peaches but its not perfect and the honeymoon wears off quick…. but thank u everyone i like seeing im not the only one with these emotions

  4. New2beingalone October 16, 2014 at 1:27 am #

    It would’ve been 9 years this December. We’ve been together since I was 16 and he was 17. The start was rocky because we both were so young but our love was there. He proposed after a year, I said yes but didn’t want to get married yet because we were so young, promised him when we had our lives together that it would happen. We did everything together, he was my best friend. He told me he loved me every single day, that he missed me every single day, he always texted and called, never a day without talking to me. Always affectionate, always all over me. He said I was beautiful everyday. We planned our futures, kids, every single part. We were always together, we had so much in common. Just last year, a few days before Thanksgiving, when we just started to live together real serious lies and secrets were going on from his part. I found out because I went through his phone and computer and found pictures, text messages, hidden Facebook account, another cell, talking to his ex, other girls, things he’s been doing secretly for about 3-4 years. All the while I thought we were good, I thought we were growing up with each other. But he had a secret life that I didn’t expect at all. I was completely devastated. I broke up with him because he wouldn’t even be honest about everything he did. He broke my heart. While we were broken up, he reached out to me and we tried to work things out. Come January 3rd I decided to give him another chance, although the trust needed to be rebuilt. I love him, I wanted us to work. I had faith it would.
    It was hard, a lot of fights but I thought we were happy he told me he was happy. He told me he wants nothing more for me to have his kids, get married and grow old together, to continue our lives together. We decided to take a 3 month trip to Ecuador, he was born there, my parents are from there…we wanted to meet our future families and plan our wedding there. Our trip was great, he got sick, I was there for him, with him, taking care of him. I got sick and he did all the same. Still telling each other we loved one another every day, it was going so well. We were getting to know and grow with each other more and more every day. Our last week there, (this past week) I had a gut feeling he was hiding something and because of everything I found out last year, I couldn’t ignore it. I went through his messages and computer and found out once again he had been lying to me.
    My birthday was 27th of September and on the 26th, he was talking to his friend and said, I love my girl with all my heart but I can’t stop thinking out this one girl. Everytime we see each other, we both feel something but know we can’t act on it. Last time I saw her was New Years Eve, I bought her and her friends drinks for her birthday. I felt bad because I didn’t have much money on me to really show her a good time. I really feel like her and I are meant to be together. And when I have my things together, a good job, money saved up I’m going to look for her. I only hope that she isn’t married because I respect that, wouldn’t want cheating and wouldn’t want to break it up. But I really feel like thats who Im meant to marry.
    I read all of that. All of what he wrote the day before my birthday. He wrote it while he laid next to me in bed, telling me how much he loved me.
    My heart shattered. I left to my family’s house with all my stuff. I couldn’t stand to look at him. Our flight back to ny was incredibly hard, I asked for seat changes but still some him from a distance. He wouldn’t even look at me, let alone talk to me.
    Im back home, meanwhile we were suppose to go to our place.
    I’m devastated. I’m in pain. My heart is in my pain. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really loved him.

  5. victoria September 9, 2014 at 8:51 am #

    Reading out your stories makes feel not alone. I feel so ashamed that I still feel for this man more than I feel for my husband who love me so much and has given me everything that I aspired for in life. I want desperately to love my husband the way I loved and still love him. I want to forget him. This seems so hard to do when I see him everyday at work. I cut all contact and communication with him after he allegedly proposed to remain my friend and then implicitly started to hint for a sexual relation at the same time bragging how happy and satisfied he was with his wife and family. My husband is good guy who loves me and I feel that I am completely faithful in my mind and heart there is still the old guy who did all the possible things to draw me away. What logic is this, letting myself feel this way and letting myself suffer everyday a huge pain for the completely wrong person struggling with avoiding him and looking at his eyes…

    • Lee November 5, 2014 at 5:16 am #

      Go back to your husband, love him, leave your job, do not tell your husband about the affair, there is no need to put your guilt onto him, you deal with it in your mind.
      Affairs are BS and hurtful, never ever do it again, that is your secret.

  6. Erica August 21, 2014 at 5:55 pm #

    As I sit at work thinking how we good woman allow men to not once but constantly play with our emotions and then question ourselves when things go wrong. I was recently in a relationship with someone Ive been in love with for 10yrs. I took everything he told me as promises that our future would be together just for him show me how much I never meant to him. It hurts so much that I dont smile, dont answer the phone and wont talk to anyone about how I honestly feel. At times I look at my phone and tell myself to text him but then I realize that those messages mean nothing and nether did I to him. Even harder when you have a child with him and your stuck dealing with him. Prayer has become my best friend because man is this the worst feeling in the world.

    • jewel September 6, 2014 at 11:15 pm #

      Wow…i suppose i was meant To Read This. I am in exactly the Same boat. 10 years to the day. One child. I tries moving on but because of our child, he tries to make things difficult or he Always says or does something to get me to stay but they dont change. After 10 years, I might as well have Been locked up cos i Cant Tell You what I Been doing All This time

  7. Sad August 2, 2014 at 3:00 pm #

    Hi, i couple with my bf 8 years. Starting our relationship very good and happy. Now he changes alot. He likes to hurt me , and give alot bad words . I told his problem to family. He not happy and he break up me. I just told him, i tell his family atleast you can changes. But he point i likes to make problem. What i should do, always said if i marry with you sure divorce . I loves him so much but i feel tension and crazy .

  8. Hediditagain July 25, 2014 at 6:50 pm #

    This was a good read. I now understand why there is such a disconnect between head and heart. I dont care to tell my story except that their is that thing called “gut feeling” that we should all listen to more often.

  9. Jennifer July 25, 2014 at 6:37 am #

    My boyfriend and I have been on and off for two and a half years. Our relationship is toxic; he treats me terrible and I in return do the same. My family is in a diff state. I have a couple friends out here and then I have him. He’s so jealous and I can’t say or do anything without him questioning me and calling me names. I can’t leave him, I’ve tried so many times. Tried to see other people and all I think about is him. I’m not myself anymore because I am always walking on eggshells. I’m more angry and stressed out than I’ve ever been. Idk what to do. I googled how I was feeling and found this. I’ve always gone from boyfriend to boyfriend. I don’t know how to be alone. I need to look for a second job and go back to school but have been putting it off because I’m so wrapped up in him. I’m unhappy, confused, lost….I just don’t know what to do anymore; how I can leave and stay gone. I need another job, school I just feel like I can’t. I have no idea where to begin, where to stop or where to stay.

  10. Wendy July 22, 2014 at 12:55 am #

    I am hurt beyond words, I am shaking from the inside out. Met the man of my dreams a couple years ago and fell head over heels for this guy. 10 or 11 mos in I found out he was married. I have been single for a long time 10 years…just the kids and I. And finally I meet someone. And every thing was a lie.I miss him so much. I miss the lies. My heart is aching. I can’t understand why he would come into my life and hurt me this way. All for what… I really loved him so much. I am reading through all these post trying to make some sense in this. And to know someone else is hurting like me hurts me more. I need someone to talk to. .. I am so lonely. I don’t want the kids to see me cry anymore. I know time heals every thing but right now I am suffering. I am reaching out to my Church for support and counseling. I can’t eat or sleep much less function. His wife and I had it out and the guilt, shame, and horror of this is killing me. I said some bad things to her. And it’s killing me. She was a victim n this and tempers went crazy. I need God’s presence n my life right now. I am so very lost. I mean just bc he was full of crap doesn’t mean my feelings weren’t real. I never wanna feel this way again. I want my heart to stop. There are no words for this. I have to keep moving forward. I am reminding myself to breathe. I knew telling her was the only way to end it. But now the guilt is has consumed me. He would always suck me back n and tell me they would sleep n dif rooms and we’re not intimate at all. I am hurting. Someone pls tell me some things to do to make it hurt less

    • Shirley October 30, 2014 at 10:10 pm #

      I am so very sorry. I hope after a few months, things have gotten easier for you. I am going through it too. There’s no magic word I can say to make it better, but sometimes, when I’m crying alone, I yell out all the anger I feel. It seems to temporarily dull the pain. It’s easier to move on for me if I’m angry with him instead of missing him. When we hit rock bottom and are so broken, we can only go up from there. Your kids, hope & strength will get you through this, I promise.

    • b leop November 3, 2014 at 2:59 am #

      Wendy
      too am dealing with a broken heart 4.5 yr relationship a guy I work with. Both of us married but the connection started as friends and both of us had so much on common that we were missing in our marriage. We vowed our love after a yr together exchanging rings and promises. I having 3 children not as flexible to time we could spend together so we would take time away from our jobs during the day. His wife works weird hours first aand 2nd shift so he would make me feel bad if I would not make time during the hours his wife was at work. I did I gave up time from my kids for him. I loved him to do anything I could. During our relationship he told me about other relationships he had had but would tell me in was the love of his life and there was no one else for him we were perfect we rented am apartment to have as our place but I noticed things were changing with him I noticed he became secretive and would get angry if I questioned him he even gave me a conclusion 12 staples in my head and said he did it because I put my hands on him never to hurt him only to touch him. I forgave him ffor what he did. He told me many times his wife caught him cheating and she forgave him because she couldn’t stand on her own without him and she loves him after a while I became obsessed and panic of what I felt I knew he had to love me or he wouldn’t say the things and the passion we shared but I just felt his secrets or private life were more than a night with the guys. I noticed at our apartment the bottle of wine and wine bottle was missing along with.the KY gel. I then sew the KY back in his bag and I couldn’t take it so I made comments to him he said he toke it home to use with his wife and the wine he threw out since it was not the kind I liked. I guess I am a fool I wanted so much to believe him. I kept notes on my calendar the days he was gone for extended times so it was getting clear to me. I knew his patterns so well that when I saw him leave on day from work in followed him and he was at the liquor store. He insisted I go back to work. I knew what he was doing. That afternoon when he was not at the gym his wife working 7 pm to 7 am I began calling hotels and YES the one we had our very first meeting confirmed he was there gave me his name so off I go my heart beating out of.my chest racing I wanted to die buy I wanted him to know and see me. I get to the hotel a dress on and didn’t even put on my shoes go to the counter and pretend it is me who is to meet him b they call his room and he refuses I beg the girl and she gave me his room number he would not.let me in. I sob as the front desk clerk said.he asked them to call the police. She consoles me tells me I very pretty and can tell I a.professional. all I could think and I told her was he has been with another woman in that room hus.wife is at work and I am a fool sobbing and my heart killing me over him. I live him I tell her. I get in my car before the police if she called and I don’t think she did I head back and he.calls.me of course it was all me for.coming.there he said.i pushed him to her he needed a friend and they had only been together 2 times. As I type this his wife working and I am still in love with him. I want to tell his wife I hate this so much! I hate he has ripped me apart. I feel your pain!!

    • Tabitha November 4, 2014 at 8:39 pm #

      I am in the same boat as you. My kids do not understand why i am crying all the time. I never could understand how you can can go from happy to devastation within hours. My ex also lied to me. I had to go to the dr because i was making myself phycally ill. i haven’t had no contact with him in three weeks. I get up everyday and i try to not think about it and put one foot in front of the other. On the inside i am dying. I have no friends and the ones i thought i had are so happy i can’t stand to be around. i feel myself closing up.

  11. A Fool In Love July 20, 2014 at 4:32 pm #

    I fell in love with a cheater 7 years ago, he was married though I was not aware and had a girlfriend when I met him. We lived 700 miles away from one another. He eventually got a divorce and moved in with the girlfriend in my area. He hid it from me. She contacted me initially and told all. Yet, I could not let go. I allowed him to hurt me deeply. Yes, I allowed, it was his fault the first time and my fault after that. I lost everything, I quit my job to move to Florida with him knowing he really did not want me there. He moved back there 2 years ago and I find out last month after my 3 attempt to move there and make it work, that he has been cheating with multiple others since moving back and continue to do so. He has done and said some terrible humiliating things to me. I sit now in pain that would not wish on my worst enemy. And the kicker, he keeps contacting me, as always trying to draw me back in, saying he loves me. Yet in the end after I quit my job and spend money moving there, he does not want a relationship!! When I won’t allow he to stay in life as a “friend”, he turns on me and acts nasty and cruel. He is the most spoiled, selfish, user I have ever dealt with. How can you be a friend after all the lies, betrayal, deceit and cheating? He is really narcissistic, it was always all about him and what he wanted not caring who he hurt to get it. Oh forgot to say I found out after 3 years of knowing him, he cheated on his wife and had a baby by another woman, and not the girlfriend he had in my area. What a fool I was for love…….But I will heal and be stronger than ever. Thanks for sharing everyone, it let’s me know I’m not alone….peace and healing

  12. TM July 19, 2014 at 4:01 pm #

    I have been in a relationship for 12 years. Hes 39 & I’m 30. Throughout our relationship & most intensively over the past coming on 8 years our individual insecurities & my struggles w communication have hindered our growth to the point that we have become so co-dependant in all the wrong ways.hes had his indiscrepencies left and came back, threatened to leave but stayed. I’m essentially the breadwinner. He’s an artist so his $ ebbs and flows. That’s put added pressure on our relationship. We both harbor resentment. Ive never cheated on him. Nor left. I’ve been in and out of therapy over the past few yrs & stop as soon as things level out some. I think we’re at a crossroads. We’re both spent from fighting. He’s told me im nof gd for him, I dont make him happy, im selfish etc. Says very hurtful demeaning things. Ive heard it so much for so long that it doesnt hurt and now im just numb to it. We have lacked an intimate, sexual relationship. I have a hard time trusting him esp when he threatens to leave. Thing is, I know his insecurities come into play despite his tactful ways of masking them. Hes projected and equated his failed relations w his parents onto our relationship, which amplifies everythinv emotionally. Its sounds like he just wants yo give up on me. He says he’s lost faith in me, says I’m a liar, an ugly person, selfish, that he deserves more etc.

    I know my issues and where I’ve contributed to faults with us. Call me a drunken optimist.but I’m not ready to give up on him or us. Hes also bipolar, adopted and has had abandonment issues… I used to believe that I had to fix everything. He says I was supp. to be the one who showed him that someone gives a fuck. I’m contemplating everything and trying to take things in stride…your input is appreciated.

  13. gengen July 19, 2014 at 1:14 am #

    Hello everyone.
    I need some help.
    A few months ago my bf and I broke up and was seeing someone (we’ve been together for 2years and 7 months.
    He broke up with me and I accepted because of course you need two in a relationship to care for one another. So of course I agreed. Soon then since I was a single woman and was ready to move on I decided to talk to guys. To make me feel better and make new friends. (This was the next day) and that night he (my ex) calls me, he was crying and when ever I replied with a no I’ve already moved on you could tell he would choke on his words. At this point I knew I still loved him. My heart was screaming “Yes! I love you I don’t care about what happened I love and need you!” But my brain said “he’s an idiot! Look at what he did! He’s only going to do it again! ” weirdly I accepted his begging and to be honest he has tried to fix everything between us. He changed his # he is actually trying to make me happy like when we first started dating . But the thing is…. I think I’ve fallen out of love with him. I don’t really care what he does anymore… Could that heart break he made me go through be the cause of that? What should I do?!

  14. Kittensmith June 25, 2014 at 4:07 am #

    I’m a women of 65yrs old and I just got dumped after 7ys of marrige. I knew it was over but it does not help my heart. How do I go on to forget all thoes years.

    • Celine August 3, 2014 at 7:44 am #

      Hi there!

      I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t imagine what pain it must inflict on you, and how much of a struggle it is.

      I would just like to give you some advice, because like the article said, any type of confirmation or reassurance will help.

      You say that you were aware of the fact that your relationship was over, and now it’s just dealing with the consequences that is creating heart ache. It’s so great that you’re already admitting the fact that it was over. This tells me you are already a step in the right direction.

      If you knew it was over, maybe it’s a wise decision for you to start writing down all the negative aspects about the relationship. Not so much necessarily about your partner, but things about the relationship between the two of you that just didn’t work for whatever reason. I can imagine this is hard, because a relationship of 7 years is long and you have many good memories. However, it’s a common thing to, after a break up, only remember the good parts. Start writing down the bad ones, in order to keep yourself from romanticizing the reality of things.

      Secondly, I’d like to advice you, that you shouldn’t want to ”forget all those years”, realistically that is not going to happen: you will remember things you don’t want to and you’ll forget things you wish you’d remember, and that’s okay. It’s not so much about forgetting and then moving on, it’s about being able to accept what’s happened, the good and the bad, and giving it a place in your heart and mind that you feel comfortable with. If you’re forcing yourself to forget, you’re constantly going to struggle with your own mind and heart, and the only thing that will enable you to let go in the end, is a complete acceptance of what has happened. This takes time, accept that too, and embrace it.

      Furthermore, I do recommend you to see a therapist. Taking the step to do so, is nothing but brave, as you’re consciously deciding to stop being a victim, and deciding rather to be the hero of your own story. Take power of your own happiness, how hard that might seem right now, and find a balance and acceptance in your life that will enable you to have an immense faith of a life that you desire.

      I wish you all the best and strength to persevere. You deserve happiness and love, start with yourself, and you will find it!

  15. Nadia June 24, 2014 at 11:34 am #

    Last week, on my birthday, my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore after 4,5 years relationship. I never imagine this would be happen before. Feels like the sky fall right on my head. I thought that our relationship is perfect, fine, flawless. I don’t know why he can feel like that. I start can’t think straighly, my heart was hurt so much pain i felt. I often beong blank n crying out loud blaming myself. Even i already begging him but he won’t budge at all. I still hanging on my hope on him. Anybody can tell n suggest me what should i do?

    • timothy allen July 14, 2014 at 1:08 am #

      it will be ok…just know you are not alone…and the pain will heel…..find something you wanted to do that during the relationship didnt have time to do ….do something big….your life has changed you change with it …become a better you for you and the people that really matter

      • Christopher Bosak November 6, 2014 at 11:40 pm #

        I was in love once back then 4 years ago when I dated Stephanie my ex- GF who like me had Asperger’s Syndrome. I haven’t dated a woman since then, and wondered for 2 years where did I go wrong. Of course I later got the gut feeling that her friggin Mother was the cause of our breakup again. I was good to her but her damn mother never makes anything easier for her. Her mother has never had an ounce of faith in her one bit, and has on a leash if you know what I mean. I feel for Stephanie cause she’s 26 years old and still under the control of her mother.

        Oh whatever forget her anyway. I’ll move on and I know there’s someone out there some gamer chick with Asperger’s Syndrome like me. Time to move on .

    • Jodh July 14, 2014 at 8:11 am #

      I know how you feel, my Girlfriend of a year and a half just broke up with me when things were at there best because she doesn’t want to be in a relationship in general. It hurts terribly and I’ve found that just crying it out is helping a lot, another thing that’s helped me through this was writing a letter and not sending it, type up a quick letter in Microsoft word explaining how he made you feel and how you’ve been betrayed by him etc. but don’t send it, and whenever you feel like getting back with him read it and realize that you don’t really want him back. I hope you feel better and know that there are people out there who care for you.

    • kimm July 19, 2014 at 4:14 pm #

      Move on , I know easer said than done .Young hearts run free

    • Shikin July 29, 2014 at 5:42 am #

      seems like we are in the same boat… same time in relationship.. same feeling i have right now…. but dont blame yourself… its his lost.. not yours…. hang in there sister…. we get through it….

  16. Samantha June 15, 2014 at 8:02 pm #

    Samantha says:
    June 15, 2014 at 11:36 am
    Okayy, so my ex and I dated a month the first time. Then 7 months later (May 3, 2013), we reunited and made it work a little over a year. He said he needed to be alone. So I did that. I left him alone, even though it hurt.Two weeks later, while he was returning my stuff, we talked and laughed like everything was okayy. 3 days later, he shows up at my house. He said he wanted to hang out and take me for a drive in his new truck. He told me that during the two weeks, he tried to date another girl, but was miserable because he wanted me! After working everything out,we got back together. But only for two and a half weeks. He then said he just cant stay happy, and the best way to figure himself out would be to be alone. He said we can still be friends and maybe someday more than friends. I am just so lost. Could i still mean alot to him? Could he still love me? Im scared he may be dating again. I dont know what to think, we havent talked. I want him back! Hr always said his favorite thing about our relationship is That we dont give up easy.Somehow after every breakup we have, wr always come back.. but i dont know now. Could he come back? I’m gonna wait on him to talk to me first. But what if he is dating? The same girl he dated in the two weeks. If he dates, i know i cant say anything because we aint together. Would that be wrong of him. Im so confused. Help? Thanks!

    • Celine August 3, 2014 at 8:00 am #

      Hi Samantha!

      Wow, that really sounds like a turbulent relationship and a struggle. I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time.
      However, I’m going to be very frank with you, and the question that immediately pops into my mind is: Why?
      Why would you consciously decide every time that you deserve this?
      Because you love him?
      I get it, I have been in the same situation, but what I’ve figured out is that if you end up being completely unhappy, confused and lost because you are fighting to keep a love alive, then you are missing a crucial thing in your own life: self love.

      Maybe this sounds silly to you, but in order to love someone else and to let someone love you in a healthy and beautiful relationship, you must love yourself first.

      Please please get out of this situation. I know it’s hard and you want to hold on because you feel like he gives you things that no one else can but you’re wrong. You deserve so so so much more!!!

      The fact that your guy is constantly running away from you, and returning whenever he pleases is really wrong. He obviously needs to learn a thing or two about how to treat women and relationships in general, and it’s horrible that he’s doing this to you.
      However, even though he might be making mistakes in this, so are you. Because you’re letting him! By enabling someone to treat you like this, you open yourself up for more and more pain. You need to start taking responsibility for your actions and behavior, and most of all, your happiness.

      To me it seems that by allowing him to hurt you and treat you so bad, and you still letting him come back every time, you decide every single time NOT to be happy.

      Instead, make decisions that will bring you closer to you, gain self respect and accept that what’s happened is okay, but you can now grow from it and start loving yourself!

      • Jill October 23, 2014 at 3:34 pm #

        Hi Celine, great advice there for me too and thank you so much!

    • kim August 12, 2014 at 3:35 am #

      I’m going through the same thing you are. I just got my heart broken. It hurts a lot. Im confused too. Its hard when the guy breaks up with and gets back together with you. and it keeps going on that way. It’s really hard.

  17. leslie June 8, 2014 at 3:51 am #

    I’ve never loved anyone the way I love my husband, I’ve never did the things I do for him for anyone. For the last year I have been dealing with so much pain from so many different things that have happened that leads to him cheating, I always believed him and just tried harder for our marriage to work, the way he treats me and the things he does proves he doesn’t love me, and inside I know he doesn’t love me anymore, but I can’t think of my life without him, but I know I don’t deserve this. It’s by far the worst pain I have ever dealt with. I don’t know what to do anymore!

    • Wendy June 17, 2014 at 4:38 pm #

      I am in the same situation you are in after 15 years of marriage. I am in so much pain sometimes I just can’t function. I tell him to divorce me and go to her but he says he don’t want a divorce that he does love me and the lies have been piling up for over a year with this same skank he is cheating on me with. I know I should leave him but my heart won’t let me and my head says I will be hurting even more without him. He means so much to me and for the most part treats me good except when he has seen her or has talked to her then he is very mean to me and not at all the loving husband I married 15 years ago. I just don’t know what to do anymore either! :'(

      • Nicole July 28, 2014 at 2:10 am #

        I am going through the same thing you are except my husband kicked our daughter and I out of the house so his girlfriend of a year a and a half could move in. I had known about her for about seven months but he said he wasn’t seeing her anymore. In my heart I knew better. It hurts so bad but if he can do that to his wife and his child, I am better off alone than with him. He was planning on his girlfriend moving in nine months before he finally kicked us out.

        From my experience, leave. He is no good and he will not change.

      • Tay August 5, 2014 at 3:44 am #

        Leave his ass! You don’t deserve that, you have stayed loyal and if he can’t do that he doesn’t truly respect you, you don’t repeatly hurt someone you truly love

  18. rose June 7, 2014 at 8:33 am #

    i shared the first and only relationship of my life with him.. i was 16 when we indulged into love.. since then, i had always loved him more than anyone.. but the fate was something else.. but then things changed..to our misfortune, we broke up after 7 years of relationship because his parents and family were not willing to get us married.. the moment was disastrous.. he couldn’t convince his family.. he didn’t fight over the issue and decided to get separate.. i respected his decision and we took different paths.. after 2 years of struggle with the new yet the unwelcomed life , i somehow managed to come out of the trauma and agreed to put feet into an arranged marriage.. i got married.. the next year, he also got married with the girl of his parent’s choice.. its been seven years that i am married, mother of a lovely boy.. he has also got a beautiful daughter.. but something happened with him in this meantime of 7 years.. his parents disowned him on behest of their daughter and son in law.. consequently he debarred from his ancestral property.. in the aftermath of this, his existing wife is creating problem for him since he has no ryt on the property.. although he earns handsome amount of money to lead a comfortable and respected life, yet the greed of the wife and the trauma of betrayal from his family is torturing him.. he disclosed this all to me just a week back.. he messaged me on my mail and said that he committed the biggest mistake of his life by not fighting for me, by not putting pressure on his family to accept me, by not leaving everything else behind just to have me.. he apologized for everything he did knowingly or unknowingly.. he said that he didn’t change his number through all these years just in the hope that someday i might call him.. the number that he was carrying since he got his first cellphone 15 years ago.. he said he wants to reverse the time so that he can rectify his mistakes.. and he wanted me to call him and talk to him over phone.. i denied as in my opinion its not ryt for the sake of my family.. my husband who gave me so much love and affection that somehow i managed to cover the old memories..
    he kept on messaging me his ordeal and that he still loves me.. i said him that we both are family persons now and its not ryt to think of anything now.. he said he don’t want me to cheat with my family and come back in his lyf.. all he wanted is to remain in his contact.. he just want that i read his messages and reply.. but for me, its quite an uncomfortable situation.. all these years i missed him, i missed all the memories that we shared, and every other thing that we experienced together.. it was the love and care of my husband that these emotions never overruled my mind and personality..
    so i tried to make him understand this and stopped opening my mail account..

    now the dilemma is, i m feeling very restlessness.. very uneasiness.. because my mind and heart is just thinking of him.. every second i m missing him.. sometimes the heart says, let him communicate u, then mind says NO.. i dont know whether i have done ryt or not.. i dont even know what should i do to console myself..

    • Nicole July 28, 2014 at 2:15 am #

      Don’t do it. Either you will end up having the same feelings as him or you will give him false hope. He is probably lonely but it is important that you not get involved for your child and your husband’s sake.

    • vp August 8, 2014 at 9:55 pm #

      This is such a painful situation. I’m not sure what you ended up doing, but I would strongly suggest you talk to your husband about this, and not keep it a secret, because logic can fly out the window when feelings are involved. Your husband may not be happy to hear about this (I mean, you wouldn’t be either) but I strongly believe your partner in life should be your best friend. He may not understand it, but if he’s a mature man, he will understand how hard this must have been for you to open up to him with, and make him trust you. You will also have to be patient with him.
      Your first love might always have a place in your heart, but he left you whwn he had everything. He had to lose everything to understand your value…which would have been ok of you werw single. Your husband saw your value without having to learn the hard way. You may end up in the same position your ex is in if you give in to temptation, so pleasw choose your actions wisely, love. What ever you do, do it with honesty and integrity…I wish you the absolute best. I hope you find your peace <3

    • lola August 9, 2014 at 1:02 pm #

      If this man really loved you, he wouldnt be contacting you and confusing you all these years later, burdening you with all of his issues. I feel sorry for him, but he didn’t fight for you, and he should have. You didnt fight for him either, and now you have a loving husband and a child, it will be hard but you need to break contact with him.

      I feel sorry for him, he is obviously unhappy, but you are in a good relationship and he is doing the wrong thing confusing you like this.

      If you are sure you wont be leading him on, or confusing yourself more, then contact him to ease his sadness, but Id not advise it.

  19. G.M. May 28, 2014 at 3:24 pm #

    Thank you, I really needed to read this, I’m an emotional wreck since last night, I guess ignorance is bliss after all, I just can’t believe this happened to me, but for my bad luck I fell in love with a cheater.
    I don’t know, I need to let it all out, I cried till I puked, my eyes burn from the tears and he doesn’t even care, I want him to hold me and kiss me, but at the same time I want to slap him and tell him that I hate him for hurting me so much…

    • AR May 31, 2014 at 9:57 pm #

      I was in a 5 year relationship (living in one roof) after our break up (last year-officially October 2014 but initially April 2014) I thought I cant get up. suddenly I felt that the earth and the sky torn me in between. I don’t want to say anything against someone I love the most or against myself, coz i’ve been that and really regret it. if you tell that he/she is like that and blah-blah, it will not change situation you just ruin yourself. If you truly love someone you will bear the pain, you will take the cross, you still think what’s morally and logically right. I love him so much and though deep inside my heart i’m dying. im struggling to move on and asks God guidance , btw. im not very religious person but on that time this open a door for me to start knowing Jesus, to starts knowing God. The pain was unbearable and Im actually thinking to end my life (im alone, I am in orphaned and I don’t have family beside me im working abroad) but the spirit to do what is right took over. So I cried out loud to God and asked his strength to restore me. Since I love this guy I just couldn’t hate and pointing a blame on hi instead I poured out my understanding and love. So what I was thinking there’s a divine purpose for all of the struggles and pain. I continue searching and try to improve the things that I need to change and building my character. I controlled my emotions coz I don’t want the pain and my brokenness ruin my character. everyday is a struggle coz I don’t want my predicament would affect the people around me and my working environment. life goes on and every night I was crying, im still continue searching the meaning of life and ask God to change me the way he wanted me to be… I ask myself this question. if i will teach myself to hate him and not forgive him and not to forgive myself, what can I get? nothing but continues nightmare. We cant change the situation, we can only change the way we respond in our challenges. Pain is a process don’t ever, ever try to short cut it.

      • Lyn June 18, 2014 at 10:42 pm #

        I really feel for y, ur situation is a close comparison. I am an orphan to but I’m lucky to have two sons. I’m going through a terrible break up. It mostly reflects me and my pain tho. I know he was really bad for me but like most narcissists he fooled me well. And he was French and sexy lol but now I find him repulsive (sort of fooling myself) only had a text conversation with him last night where he was being nice about breaking my heart,, “saying one day we’ll look back and say I’m glad ur my friend” lol omg what a load of bollocks!!
        Anyway my motto ” onward and upward,, get to steppin any guy that doesn’t treat me right” needless to say I only adopted that message fully today. Feel the emotions and ride with it, otherwise u can’t move on…
        Wishing u all the best x

    • Sarah Terrence June 11, 2014 at 6:17 am #

      Stay strong. I know it’s hard now but trust me you’ll get through it. The best way is to cut off any contact, block them from everything, block and delete anything that will remind you of a memory and leave you feeling sad. You deserve so much better even if your heart still hurts. I’ve been hurt for 6 months now after the breakup of almost 3 years. Completely changed and he decided he wanted to “explore” other girls. Complete asshole.

    • maddie June 17, 2014 at 3:01 am #

      Hey I want to tell you it gets easier, but I am not sure I can. My first relationship five years ago was with a cheater and he never really left my life. I was completely in love with him, eventually I moved on and dated an amazing guy for three years that I never deserved. My first bf and I dated frequently when we were not with other people. Hes cheated again. I called it quits for real, permanently quite recently and my advice is find someone who makes you feel safe and happy and wonderful and never go back to your ex no matter how in love you feel with him.

      im still very sorry that it happened to you.

    • Michelle Adesalandro August 7, 2014 at 1:07 am #

      I’m sorry that you are going through this. I ended a relationship with a cheater too but it hurts me more than I have ever hurt before. I can’t stop crying and I don’t know why. It took me 2 years to have sex with him (he told me he was single at that time) and when we did, we had sex for about 5 hours…it was incredible…we continued to have a sexual relationship for about a year until I bumped into him and his wife and kids in a restaurant…yup, imagine my surprise….I deleted his number and forgot about him…I was hurt and never got over him or dated anyone else…then 3 years later I contacted him and we had mind blowing sex…I knew he was living with someone and had a kid with her but continued to be with him because I loved the times together…then he was too busy to have sex with me and weeks turned into months…I found out he was seeing another woman on the side so I ended it because my heart could not take it…im devastated because he was the complete package and I thought somehow he would fall in love with me but it didn’t happen and I got out before he could dump me first…I didn’t want to do it but had to, to save my pride and self respect…Im so heart broken but figure if he does this to me then he will do it to the new girl….I just appreciated the great sex that’s all and he was soo sweet and attentive and not to mention HOT..lol….anyway, you too will get over it….the funny thing is my ex husband cheated on me and left me for the other women…so I lost out either way as the wife and the other woman….it really is sad but what can we do if we are attracted to cheaters…as my best friend told me…you play with fire your going to get burned…and I did and it hurts soo bad…you will feel better but don’t count on it too soon…im trying to find a way to process it but having a hard time….I;m sorry that you are going through this, I know its hard but you have to rationalize and think about what it is making you hurt and weight the pros and cons…the way I see it…if he is cheating on his girlfriend or wife with me and now someone new…IF he was ever with me, he would do the same because guys like that are never happy with just one woman…so hang in there you are going to be just fine…I have learned my lesson in that nomatter how much potential a man may seem to have, if he is cheating on someone now, he will eventually cheat on you and it will continue…once a cheater, always a cheater….good luck and I hope you feel better soon…

  20. Katie May 19, 2014 at 6:02 pm #

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months less than a week ago, so everything is still fresh. It was so painful and bittersweet. We both are having such a difficult time letting go because there wasn’t resentment in the cause of the break up. We just accepted the fact that we wanted different things in life and it’s something we both cannot compromise on. The break up was fairly mutual. Even though I brought it up, he told me somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew this day was coming soon. We didn’t really want to face the truth because we cared so much for each other.

    I don’t know what to do in this situation. We broke up without resentment (not much, even if there was), we still care very much about each other, letting go was extremely difficult (on the day of the talk, we spent half a day just being together for the last time, ending with a really long hug). Another problem is that we share LOTS of mutual friends. These we friends we already had, prior to the relationship. Now that we’ve broken up, even though everyone knows what happened and there’s no choosing of sides, we are avoiding each other so blatantly it hurts. It has made things so awkward for us. We’re all friends but now he and I have this boundary that we cannot break. If we start giving the slightest attention, he and I will break and make moving on so much more difficult.

    The thing is, there are a lot of changes happening in my life right now but he was my stability and my home. I long to talk to him, to at least know anything about him, even though I know it poisons my process of moving on. What can I do.. I can’t just cut him off totally, not when our lives are so close together.

  21. Georgia May 2, 2014 at 9:35 pm #

    I was caught in a self-destructive relationship cycle for 6 months. I tried to break up with her 4 times throughout the relationship, but she continually guilt-tripped me into getting back with her as she threatened to kill herself if I left her. Everyday I would wake up kicking myself that I wasn’t strong enough to break up with her. Being with her was toxic for me and the relationship was based on manipulation and fear. I knew that I had to break it off with her but my heart was worried for her safety if I did, as she was adament she would commit suicide if I left. I broke up with her about a month and a half ago. We had somehow transitioned to being friends and I was relieved she wasn’t suicidal. Unfortunately we both realised we were still attracted to eachother and decided to be friends with benefits. This worked until I discovered one morning after I woke up in her bed that I had to quickly leave because she had another woman coming over in an hour! This was 5 weeks after we had broken up! I was really hurt and have since been waking up in tears and having very limited sleep because my brain keeps overthinking everything. I never thought I would be the jealous clingy type at all, but I’m scaring myself as I’m realising that I am! Now that there is someone else in her life, she ignores me more and spends her time with this other woman! It feels like I’ve been punched in the stomach everytime I think about it, and I feel sick and like I’m always on the verge of tears. It just hurts because she’s moved on so quickly and I’m the one grieving. I broke up with her because logically I knew the relationship was unhealthy. But I still cared fir her very much and we would still text everyday. I think I may have confused the friends with benefits arrangement with a relationship as it still felt like one when I was with her. And it feels like she’s cheating on me even though I know we are not together anymore. I’ve got myself into a bizarre and complex situation and I don’t know how to get out or what to do…

  22. cecilia April 29, 2014 at 4:17 pm #

    I want to move on with my husband of 41yrs but really dont think I can as much as I would love to. Especially for my adult children. We had such a tulmultuous relationship for most of our married life while trying to raise and love my (our) children. The fighting, cursing, and demostrating so much wrong in our lives. They seem to be so pleased to see us together and “happy” finally. I dont want to hurt them again I just need to forgive and forget so all of us can heal. But our marriage was hell. We were only married for 2years but it was so ugly I left, he hated me for doing that. I met someone who really cared about me and wanted to be with my and my 2yr old son, so so so much more that my dh did.(that hurt like hell too how he never wanted to be a father and thought nothing was wrong with that) it was only emotional for me, however he moved on and was cheating with another woman. I only just found out, as I left for the last time last year. There was nothing good about us except sex and then that stopped too, he lost his libido. I researched ed but I only annoyed him with wanting to “be” with him at least in that way. Not anything that was important to him. He just let himself go and we had “NOTHING” with each other for 5 years I begged him to please love me care about me want to be with me, anything. There was still nothing there. I tried so hard. Finally I said “Joe I am leaving, for good this time” all he said was do what you have to do, so I did. Met a very nice gentleman on our time. When my dh found out that, I was serious and found someone else, he freaked and once again almost had another heart attack. He cursed me accused me of F’ing him nothing else. But once again it was just a very good friendship we formed with each other. Well finally when no matter what I said, he didnt believe me. Finally I thought wait a second, did you ever cheat on me and hear comes the grand finale, he did. And it was 40yrs ago. All that hell I lived with him my children as well could have been avoided. Unfortunately, or fortunatley we were back together stronger than ever. But I cannot move on, the pain and hurt is eating me alive. one last note, he would always threaten me with getting it somewhere else if I didnt give him what he wanted all the time. Oh and another time he hurt me incredibly, was he came home to only tell me that he passed a girl in a black bikini with a flat tire, I just so happened to look like *!**! Now he expects me to believe him he only told me that to compliment me that he passed her up becaus he had me at home waiting!! HELP!

  23. e April 27, 2014 at 1:27 am #

    Ive been with my girlfriend for three years…weve lived together for almost two..she is leaving. My brain says weve been here before, things will get better. But my heary is committing hirikiri and its unbearable. I will miss her so much. I cant imagine how i ever got through this before..im so comfortable the thought if it ending and havng to recreate what my life looks like terrifies me. I want her to hold me tight so i wont be paralyzed with fear and mourning. I crave her in my heart, i know its time to let her go in my head. I dont know how to find the courage to go through this again….i dont know how to be alone.

    • alice May 13, 2014 at 8:38 pm #

      you already know what to do. you’ve already made your decision. Your pain is coming from the part of you that never wanted to make that decision. I will not validate that part of you. no one will validate that part of you, if you are alone. seeing truth hurts. what does it feel like, though, if you never new truth?

      being wrong, when you don’t realize you’re wrong, feels like being right.

      be alone and feel what it is like. just to see what you don’t know…

    • Kat May 20, 2014 at 8:50 pm #

      I am sorry for your loss. I hope you feel better.

  24. Kimmy April 5, 2014 at 8:58 pm #

    This is all so true… and still, after being through so much, waiting so long (7 yrs) for the right one to come along, I was helpless under his kiss, had no will of my own once I felt his sweet breath on my neck and felt his hand in my hair for the most passionate kiss you’ve ever had, and you’ve had a few. Oh my friends, what we won’t do for love… even after we’ve handed our hearts over only to have it stomped to a million tiny peices, over and over, still with hope in our hearts we do it again, lay our heart out, and yest again to be stomped on yet again – because you tell yourself even if it doesn’t work out, that the experience of having this person still in your life to hold and love, hoping that sweet guy you fell for is still in there somewhere. I said even while we were still together that if I got hurt, it would be worth it. This man was so special to me that even though I knew I’d most likely get hurt, having him in my life for however long we had, would be worth the pain once it’s blown up in my face and is over. And just a few short months later, here I sit with my freshly broken heart, I’m here to tell you that it really IS worth it. I might be willing to risk more now that I know I’m sick and without a lung transplant I could have anywhere from a few days to a few decades even. But we only get this one life, one chance, choose to live and love. I can tell you personally after going so long without love, because I was so afraid of getting hurt again, that I think it’s better to have loved and lost, and felt alive during that time and loved and desired, than to stay alone out of fear of getting hurt, thinking it’s more important to protect your heart and feel nothing than to feel so much that you leave your heart vulnerable to getting hurt again. Go one, live a little. You only live once. Don’t sit home alone protecting your heart. Go out and feel, fall in love. We usually don’t get the advantage of knowing how much time we’re going to have. Any one of us could die tonight even – the plane we’re on could just disappear and not be found, or we could have a fatal car accident, or anything could happen. But getting hurt is part of life. It’s just part of living, and untill we’re not breathing any longer, we should all be living life to the fullest. Live, love, laugh, cry, be part of life while you have the chance. Because you only live once.
    :'(

    • robbin May 14, 2014 at 4:46 pm #

      Thank you for sharing. So beautifully written it made me cry. Thank you and I pray your doing ok..

  25. arya March 14, 2014 at 2:51 pm #

    we were together for 17 months …n suddenly he said..we should get separated..we had fights but not like other people…we always respected each odr…n suddenly this days he is just not the way he was..he was madly in love with m and now it seems that he never even know me..i m really not able to forget him..i cry everyday..i love him madly..he is a little hippie person..i dont know what is going in his head….but now i m completely fucked up in ma mind..i really need to noe wat is wrong ..what is he thinking…n if not that..den temmme how shud i just delete all d memories..cz i noe i wont b able live lk dis.

  26. Dazedandconfused March 4, 2014 at 4:52 am #

    I know I’m not the only person who has experienced my pain. But it’s so hard seeking guidance when things between my ex and I are much more complicated than most. It’s not a ” I knew things weren’t right” black and white situation. I can’t decide whether or not I was dating a sociopath. I’m a very blunt and transparent woman, but when deceived, hell could be raised. Both of us had been sexually assaulted at different parts of our lives. Me, I was assaulted at 17 drugged and as a result my virginity was taken. He on the other hand was molested at a young age by a family member(not of blood) . But only came to tell me this after finding out that over almost 4 years he made out with 6 women and had sex with one during our relationship. This is a man who was 10 years older than me that moved to my city to date me after 3 months meeting on vacation. Prior to this years went by where he wooed my family and friends. Amazingly beautiful inside and out ( I’m talking movie star pretty). After I found out about those other women I broke up with him. After about of a year of him moving around and attempts to prove his love for me I let him move back. Where, after his persistence, he convinced me to date again. This time everything was what I wanted in the first place. I won’t play it like I was an angel before, there were internal emotional issues and torment I let out on him during our previous relationship. And though how fiery I got he never said a foul word to me. Though I understand his cheating, I do not condone it. So I convinced a friend to hire him on a film I was working on, and things were still great. Getting to see him during lunches and us being so excited to find each other at home after a 12-15 hour day. Then he gets another job with the same people on another project three hours away . He comes home to see me every weekend, so excited . Until one day, literally after just spending thanksgiving with my family a week prior, he’s absolutely cold- that weekend I had an extremely rare occurrence of triggering my trauma when we watched a certain film- I separated myself because I didn’t want to hurt him. Which I guess was too overwhelming for him. Not thinking that his foul mood had anything to do with me when I visited him the following weekend(because he’d always go through these moods about every 3-6 months) and he was terrible at communication in general, I didn’t see the train coming. All of a sudden a day after I leave to travel to see my dying grandfather he says he found someone that made him feel like the day he met me. 5.5 years had gone by at this point. He’s now living with her, because he was just literally living with me. And he keeps trying to come back and tell me that he’s only attracted to me but tells me that he chooses her. I know I can’t go back. I would never trust him again. But can anyone give me insight? Someone who maybe in the same boat of dating a possible sociopath? He’s not a terrible person, I know this for a fact. But he keeps hurting himself as it’s almost a punishment he feels he deserves. Waste of 6 years, just trying to make sense of anything.

  27. Terri March 1, 2014 at 11:15 pm #

    I have been struggling with these types of scenarios. To the point that I have created a disasterous situation.

  28. Charley March 1, 2014 at 10:44 pm #

    I’ms struggling with scenario 1, during the relationship. My head and heart are at each other. My head says, get out now, I’ve got the support, he’s not what I want any more, I’ve tried my best, I’ve tried to make it work and in the last few weeks it’s just not been working any more. He’s been unresponsive, he doesn’t even kiss me any more, I have to beg for physical contact.

    We moved into our own place 4 months ago, on an 12 month lease contract.
    If he moves out, he’d still pay towards it, because we cant cancel the lease midway through, it would be difficult, but it”s the only way.
    I’d miss him terribly, but I know I’d get over it and find someone more suited.
    We did break up for about two weeks midway in our relationship, and within a few days he’d slept with someone else, and I saw them walking hand in hand, but we got back together after I begged him for a second chance (idiot I know)… and he told her, that we (me and him) had too much history to throw it all away.

    Anyway, my heart is saying, despite the begging of a better attitude on my part to him, and attempts at salvaging what we have with planned date nights and days out – that I should stay, because eventually my nagging will kick in and we’ll be happily married with babies and dogs.
    He’s worrying about money a lot at the moment, and he starts a new job soon! So maybe things will change and I should just hang on in there! (He hated his old job, pay was terrible, he used to get a lot of hassle, and the hours were awful too…)

    I’m just so scared to be alone again, I really do, truly love him with all my heart, and when we’re good, we’re ace, he’s my first real relationship and I can’t go through the pain of our first break up all over again, I can’t do it.

  29. yooper77 February 27, 2014 at 3:39 am #

    I have been absolutely crushed, by a break up with a wife of 29 years. Tears flow like a river thru a dark place inside. All I want is to hold her again, but she is already with a new found love. Thats hurts worse then I could ever imagine. I have cried for days and nights. I need her, love her, and just cant get going again. I have even had thoughts of just ending it all the pain is that bad. Please help SOMEONE.

    • Sovra May 4, 2014 at 8:53 pm #

      You have to get through literally one hour at a time and pray to God, the universe, what ever force is out there to bring you through it. The most important hing is keep alive. Don’t do anything terminal. She was after that long, like a part of you. You have suffered a terrible loss and need to let the grief flow justifiably and trust that the universe does offer light afterwards. You will become a stronger man than you were before, you deserve a deep love returned. you will change, you will grow and you will be alright because remember..you still have life. A heart and you are worth more than you feel you are at this point and one day your heart may be healed by an Angel. Keep living for the chance because the universe grants what we are open to manifesting if we ask with grattitude and life is sweet even if we have to walk alone for a while…we can sometimes smell flowers we never even noticed were there as some of them are inside your own heart..

    • LoneWolf May 7, 2014 at 2:03 pm #

      29 years, wow. I feel for you :( …………… I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I am in the same boat and am lost myself. Why is life so challenging? I have just ended my relationship with my partner of 7 years because he was an alcoholic… Not the stereo-type, he held a job etc, etc… Yes we shared good times and do I love him??? I do. We’ve shared so many memories, good and bad. But his drinking has caused me so much pain and he just doesn’t seem to understand how bad he is. I felt as though I had no other option. But here I am, a 31 year old Woman, laying in my new room in my sister’s house. It’s only day 4………………All I want is my own kids and the happy family life with my husband. Instead I am alone in my 30’s. My heart keeps asking me why I left….. But in my mind I knew something had to give. I’m not sure what happened with you guys, but I hope you find happiness and spark again in your life.

  30. Michael Jones February 12, 2014 at 2:54 am #

    I was separated from my wife for a year, met young had kids young married young etc.. There was no hope of fixing it as I had already left many times before and always came back thinking we could make it work. Our daughters were already 16 and 18 and we both had a great relationship with them and they turned out great. I met a foreign girl and she was everything I wanted and couldn’t believe how amazing she was. The way we met was also so amazing that it felt as though it was a Devine thing. I thanked God for placing her in my life and we were both passionately in love. After her visa expired she had to return and I was sad and lonely. I flew to her country a month later to see her and then again 3 months after that to propose and every 5 months after that. We talked on the phone and Skype daily. She was my world. The process of coming together took 3 years (long divorce etc.) 5 months before my divorce was final I was excited and happy that soon I would be with my love and all would be perfect. A friend and I were meeting up to discuss a business and he brought along a female friend, I didn’t think much of it but through our conversation we just clicked and there was a sort of scary connection and chemistry. I really liked her. A couple days later we discussed business and then we’re traveling with a group for business. I could feel a danger of really falling for her, she was everything I didn’t think I could still find in my own back yard, what I mean is she was young, attractive, independent, business oriented, the books I read she read, all this without the Beyoncé “I don’t need no man mentality, lol we kept Amazing each other with how much we had in common. It was as if she was my perfect match, she was me if I was a girl..scary. I decided to tell her in conversation when sharing about each other that I was going through a divorce and had a long distance relationship who I was crazy about. I told her she was amazing and I was just waiting for the divorce to be final so I could marry her and be happy finally. She was happy for me and we just kept on getting along great. SOMEHOW SOMEWAY we end up falling in love with each other wtf!? It was so difficult for both of us (my long distance didn’t and doesn’t know) we had agreed that we would live each day one at a time and that we knew what we were getting into and that we both already had our paths planned out anyway and there’d be no immatureness about it bc we were being honest with each other and we both were lonely and it was better to enjoy each other’s company as long as we could. She made me happy and I her. It was so difficult because we both wanted to give so much more but couldn’t. A few times we did and broke up because it was getting to painful. I felt I could not be with her because long term she would not trust me if I could do what I was doing and she felt the same, that I wouldn’t trust a girl who knowingly gets involved with a guy who has a gf. It was getting harder for me to call and Skype my love while also in love with my local gf. Both are amazing women and I know you will say I don’t deserve either but that isn’t my question or why I’m writing this. We broke up because we both love each other too much, I felt that I also loved my long dist girl but I also had a responsibility to her. I had been supporting her and we were both waiting for over 3 years to be together. I love my long dist girl, but I can’t stop thinking and my heart can’t stop yearning for my local love that let me go because it was the right thing to do. We haven’t called or text, I want to so bad but I don’t want to make it worse. I’m sitting across the room from my foreign love knowing that I love her (fg) and getting ready to finally finally bring her home with me and yet I’m hurting inside for someone else. I was sure for three years and was good until I met my local girl. I’m a mess and I deserve to be. I’m not sure Anout anything anymore. Anyway I don’t expect to get all the answers here, truth is just writing it down has helped me and also helped me pass some time since I’m not sleeping tonight and we’re catching an early flight home. Why I met that girl I’ll never know. Was something trying to show me a better way or was this a test that I failed miserably why didn’t I meet here earlier on so that we could of had more time. One thing that brings me comfort is knowing that time heals all and If I was once sure about the path I had chosen it was for a reason and I can be sure of it again, it’s just very difficult at this very moment.

    • essie February 16, 2014 at 9:26 am #

      wow Micheal Jones, the story of how you fallen for your local girl so resemble mine in many ways. I fallen in love with a married man, I wouldn’t have gone there if he didn’t clearly state that his marriage was a disaster and for many years now was thinking of leaving his wife, the only reason he didn’t yet cause because of the children and his job…. We didn’t plan to fall in love, we just started as co-workers, than we became friends and in December last year we declare our love for each other and even went on a trip for few days. We broke up last month, this has been one of the hardest time of my life. I am questioning if he was genuine or just used me….. my heart says he is genuine, but his actions, him choosing to stick to his marriage makes my mind spin thinking he just used me. What’s your 5 cents? why don’t you choose your local girl if you have such strong feelings? As the other woman, my heart is hurting so much cause I feel like I lost my soul mate, we fitted each other so much at any level, and those are not my words, they are his, he told me so, so many times….. I still miss him and constantly think of him and try to make sense of what happened. Did he use me? Was he genuine? I still think I have been robbed of something beautiful….I talked about it few times with few other people, but I am still not getting it….. my head is…not my heart, my heart is still longing for him, still want him to choose me, to fight for me; but now even the last link between me and Him is no more (yesterday I lost our baby I was 5 weeks pregnant)….. I am pretty sure once I tell him about the miscarriage him and his wife will celebrate, the situation has gone away, they will go back to their marital bliss like nothing ever happen, like he never loved me, like I never exist, like I am a nothing… I am a mess, I need his support at a time like this, but I am sure he is not going to give it to me. Valentine day was the worse… he should have been here with me…. I owned that right when he told me and showed me over and over that he loved me and was in love with me, while he only had a lukewarm friendship with his wife…..instead I bet he was showering her with “Love” or pretending to, ……I am so angry thinking about it…. still….. How can “all” become “nothing”? how can “love” become “nothing”? How can 2 people that knew each other and every minute of their day so well have become strangers? How could he cared so deeply until few weeks ago and now not give a hoot? can you believe that in a week we use to send each other up to 10 thousands Facebook messages? and mind you we were together at least 2 days out of the 7. He couldn’t have enough of me, he wanted to know every 5 minutes of my day and I was the same, we were so in love and happy to “stalk” each other, I never felt so loved, supported, cared for, motivated by, in my life…. he is perfect for me and I for me, and yet he choose his wife cause of the marriage vows he recited to her 18 years ago. He chose true love cause over commitment, which is very noble, but very hurting to me. Please Micheal can you tell me your side as the man? cause I can’t understand. thank you

      • susan April 15, 2014 at 11:46 am #

        Essie,

        You are not alone. Reading your message made me realise I’m not alone either. I am in exactly the same situation except he did leave his wife and grown up kids but somewhere along the way he has left me too. Before, we messaged and spoke every chance we got but after he moved out, the messages dwindled contrary to what I thought it would be. I was looking forward to freedom to speak whenever we could, but no, to my frustration. I put it down to him needing space to adapt to his circumstances and facing the realisation that he has left his family. Over the months, whenever he was in town to visit his kids, he never made an effort to visit me and I often lose my patience with having to almost beg for justification as to why. Phone calls were getting more and more brief with arguments often breaking out. Conversations were no longer declarations of love and sweet nothings, but more of an obligation to speak to me, language became more and more disrespectful. And like you, we used to want to know what we were doing everyday and now he doesn’t disclose anything until it slips and another argument ensues. And like you, I cannot understand how a love so deep, where you pine for each other every second that we were apart, can disintegrate and crush and shatter your heart. How something so beautiful and so right can go so wrong? I thought him moving out was the start of a new life for us, something we had envisaged and longed for, for the past 2 years. He hasn’t returned to his wife. He lives an hour away with a mate. I have called it a day now, though not officially spoken to him after last argument. My heart hurts … feels as if a stake has been rammed in. My mind says .. let it go … but my heart says … it can’t cope … maybe give him time to enjoy the freedom that he has never had during his 25 yrs of marriage and maybe he might come back, but I won’t allow myself to keep hoping. I know I need to move on … I keep telling myself I do deserve more .. I’ve been in a bad marriage for 20 yrs myself and thought I had found love again. It amazing to experience love again, a love so deep and to miss someone again, but did not expect to experience a broken heart … my first broken heart … and boy … does it hurt. I’m staying strong and positive and allow time to heal and follow my mind rather than my heart. It has and will change me … I will be more cautious and probably take a long time to believe and trust a declaration of love again. After all it took him a long long time to convince me how madly and truly in love with me he was and when I was finally convinced … this happens. Heart still bleeding …

      • Julie April 21, 2014 at 1:11 pm #

        Essie,

        I can’t believe how similar our stories are!

        My MM who was my “soul mate” and “couldn’t live without me” and who was in contact every 5 minutes of the day just broke up with me two days ago saying he can’t keep the relationship, his wife has given him ultimatum to choose her and kids or me. And he can’t keep us!!

        I can’t bring myself to accept that all of what he was telling me for 3 years were lies to use me! I can’t be that stupid?! Or was I?

        I am so devastated and confused like you.

        What happened since you posted this? How are you now? What helped you cope?

        Please share as it is really helping me stay somewhat sane

        Thanks

    • Sherill March 8, 2014 at 7:48 pm #

      BOYS WILL ALWAYS BE BOYS!!! The love that you have with your two girlfriends is not really a TRUE LOVE because if it is a true love then you will never fall in love again with other girl like what you wrote. maybe you just LIKE them but not LOVE them… If you truly love someone YOU CAN NEVER BETRAY THEM… You will always think about them specially when temptation will come your LOVE will be enough reason for you and will give you enough COURAGE to fight any temptation that will come on your way… LIFE IS ALWAYS A CHOICE and you choose to be like that TO HAVE A TWO TIMER HEART that because you are far from your other girlfriend you let yourself fall to the other one even if ONLY you have tried i know it won’t gonna happen but because you also want it that’s why it happens… it is very easy to say that you love someone but only few can prove it!!!

      • jasmineoil April 19, 2014 at 8:00 am #

        I agree. An honest man would not do both. You can have only one. You hurt and betrayed both women and yourself. You should have been honest so both women could choose. Everyone would have their eyes open. This is what happened to me. Sorta. He said his ex was just a friend. Well he’s with her and won’t even speak to me. He called me crazy for feeling something was wrong. He should have told me. She is married. He didn’t want anyone available. But he could have let me choose. It wouldn’t have hurt so much. It’s betrayal of trust. Not love. You don’t hurt people you love that way.

  31. unlucky jivantika February 7, 2014 at 6:50 pm #

    hi everyone please help me am so much hurt and am in pain.i been in a relationship.i did all to keep it work,but everytime,lack of caring lack of luv in return to me.my heart always hope oneday he wll change up n luv me as same as me.i always deal with my minds and heart.heart saying he is my whole world I cant b apart from him he is my only happiness.i keeps shedding tears all days and night I lk to b alone but minds keep saying that he damn care for me.he is not loyal to me.a whole week can be passed without his msg I keep waiting in my mob for his msgs.when I ask he don’t have time he was busy.he say me to come out of dream world n live in reality.am so decourage,the wordlove is big but not everyone can fufill it to its true meaning.am not sure after all that happen I can b in luv again with anyone.my trust broke in too pieces..he is living his life as normal.damn shit of me I cant come out from the past..

    • Aquagrl76 February 9, 2014 at 3:15 pm #

      Hi there. Been there with my ex husband. In our marriage, he told me not to love him anymore. He was having an affair with another married woman. It hurts like hell to have someone you love so deeply break you. And you be the one to pick up the pieces. There is no easy way to say it but you have to go through it to get the peace that YOU deserve. I am still searching for that peace. Can’t tell you that it is easy. Because if it was, this world would probably be a better place. But you have to be strong. It hurts. I am crying right now for you. I feel your pain.
      This article is true. Your heart and mind will disagree. I was listening it my heart for 9 years. And crying every one of them.

  32. Robie Ann February 6, 2014 at 9:14 pm #

    I am so much in pain..we’ve been together for almost 8 years…and then that car accident happen when he is about to go home in our house..he called me that he is already in the hospital but I couldn’t go because her ex wife is coming together with her daughters…it’s been a week and I only came to visit him once because he doesn’t want he’s family to know about me…everytime I’m trying to visit him he’s ex wife was always there..I do not know now what to do and what to decide..I am so much in pain..my heart is aching…I don’t know what gonna happen to us and to our relationship…I don’t want to lose him..I don’t know if he’s still come back…all I can do is pray,cry,and wait until the time I can be able to talk to him..for me to know what to do.

  33. missregret February 1, 2014 at 3:22 pm #

    I was in a 9 month relationship which ended 2 months ago. He was my first love, my everything. Although we had different interests and different views the one thing we has in common was our love for each other. Problem was is anger issues, the horrible action and the abusive words would make me cry, but time after time I would forgive him. I was listening to my heart not my head.

    I did warn him time and time again, “there is only so many times I can forgive you untill I fall out of love with you”… And it wasn’t untill he started treating me better when I realized I wasn’t in love with him anymore. Of course I loved him, but not in love, there is a huge difference.

    I had developed feelings for my bestfriend at the time, I feel I did because he was treating me how I wanted my boyfriend to treat me and we just clicked so well.
    When I had realized all this, I broke up with my boyfriend. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I broke his heart real bad, but I had to do it. For both our sakes.

    I ended up with my bestfriend for a few weeks, we had told each other our feelings, and it was great while it lasted. But he told me he didn’t like me soon after, which I learnt to accept pretty easily…

    ANYWAY, so it’s been 2 months and recently I’ve had trouble sleeping because I’ve been thinking about my ex, I’ve been in regret and my head and heart just won’t leave me alone, I can’t stop my crying and I don’t know what to do. His also seeing another girl, which hurts to. I miss him, and I feel I may still be in love with him.

    PLEASE HELP, I really don’t know what to do with myself :(

    • Sovra May 4, 2014 at 8:59 pm #

      don’t go back to your x because you had such different views it wold be a drainn for you and he was a bully to you from what u say. Hold out for the connection and friendship…AND chemistry and eventually it wil happen. Don’t settle. Use your head before the chemistry takes over..i speak the words i wish i had listened to myself

  34. mitchel February 1, 2014 at 7:03 am #

    I broke up with my ex of 11 months,its now a month since we broke up..he cheated on me and he wasnt sorry for that. I am in NCR since then. Am hurting so much cause i still love him but i dont want to beg him to come back. I want to move on and forget about the disgrace he caused me. Please advice me on what to do? am i following my heart or mind? its too confusing to me because i love him at the same time i feel alot of resentments towards him..i just wish karma will catch up with him. Advice pls.

    • mukesh February 5, 2014 at 2:06 pm #

      dear you are on right path, go ahead in your life,

    • jasmineoil April 19, 2014 at 8:05 am #

      Be angry but don’t sin came to mind. This is how I feel too. He cheated.

  35. before I leave January 30, 2014 at 5:36 pm #

    So what happens when you have an amazing man but, there is a disconnect? When your mind tells you that walking away is wrong but, your heart lusts for desire, passion and attraction you just don’t feel. You know you love them and in most aspects you are in love with them. Is attraction something that we can learn? Does one stay and hope that one day you’ll be able to overcome this void that you are feeling or do you spare him the hurt that you might cause later on. I don’t plan on hurting him but, I am afraid that I just might never reach that point of complete fulfillment and so I will deprive my life of true happiness and love. Let me know your opinions please. Thank-you.

    • lace February 7, 2014 at 6:55 am #

      I’m in the same sort of situation as you.. I have a great guy who treats me great loves me unconditionally has helped me through so much and can and wants to support me.. He could really take care of me. But that crazy insane love was just not there.. We do have a great connection sexually but I felt it was missing on a deep intellectually satisfying way. Answering your question is helping me answer my own.. Even if you stay you will probably leave when the better thing comes along.. And that will probably hurt him more. You will probably always have those thoughts in your head.. I don’t know what true love is or when you know it’s right.. But I’ve heard you just know so if you don’t.. Its probably better to spare the hurt sooner than later :/

    • Mwmissgmm February 19, 2014 at 3:27 am #

      I too have that “disconnect” feeling. I have an amazing husband. He loves me very much, always has. I knew before we were married that I never had that “passion” or attraction, with him but I thought because we were so good in so many other ways that I was making the right “logical” choice for my life. We have been married for 15 years, we have happy, well adjusted boys and a good life. It hasn’t been perfect, there have been challenges but they seem to be magnified for me because after so many years things have become very …… Unsatisfying. I feel so guilty because I do not want to hurt my family but I also feel so lonely living our life like really great room mates. I go through the motions and try to feel something, anything, because that is the right thing to do. I became re-acquainted with an old, special friend, last year. It was like a magnet for both of us. We both have strong beliefs and tried several times to walk away from each other. We were unsuccessful at staying away from each other and got caught up in our “all consuming love” for each other. We feel we missed an opportunity many years ago and now we can’t make it right without destroying 2 families. This is wrong regardless of how we feel about each other. We have recently decided that we have to sort out our lives before we do anymore damage. Here lies the problem for me, my marriage does not have the chaos that his marriage has but he once had a great love and attraction many years ago for his wife. I am having such a difficult time because the logic I used to get married is no longer enough for me. I feel so conflicted because I made a choice many years ago for what seemed like all the right reasons & felt like I could get passed the lack of what I thought was the superficial stuff, I think I was wrong. My compromise may very well be the demise of my marriage if I can’t get my heart on track with my mind. Bottom line all the logic in the world doesn’t mean much if you can’t feel …… Chose wisely, attraction, passion, chemistry, whatever you want to call it is either there or it isn’t i do not believe that changes…… Til death do us part is a really, really long time, you don’t want to feel like you had set a goal instead of making a promise :) ….. I miss my love every single second and cry everyday because of what I have given up and am giving up again, 20 some years later…..

      • midnight May 5, 2014 at 7:03 pm #

        Your story IS my story…. Every line. Its uncanny how our stories are exactly the same? I don’t know if to laugh or cry? I’m wondering if you feel any better? I hope so! I want to know it there is any hope for me too…..

  36. jemima January 8, 2014 at 1:51 pm #

    I am struggling with that issue right now. My head says one thing and my mind says another.
    I know it won t work and isn t what I want long term, yet my heart keeps saying just maybe. Throw in some jealousy and you are done. My heart keeps winning, though I know it won t make me happy.

    • Sabril January 29, 2014 at 4:38 am #

      Jemima, follow your mind. I am also going thru the exact same thing after close to 6 years, engagement and living together 3 of those years! You will find someone eventually that will love you the way you deserve to be. I know its very difficult to see that now but it will happen. I just keep listening to my voice of reason telling me that I do not want to sentence myself to a lifetime of misery. If I stayed, that’s exactly what I would doing. Yes give and take is essential but you can not continue to give give give and not getting in return. Yes the idea of being in love is an awesome one but only if its 100% commitment of BOTH parties involved. It could also just be that maybe that person gave all he/she knows how to give but it unfortunately it couldn’t fulfill your needs. Doesn’t mean you ask for too much, it just means you two aren’t incompatible. Hang in there. It will get better!! Be strong! Don’t backslide into misery.

      • Lolo February 7, 2014 at 8:24 pm #

        WOW…That is exactly what I needed to hear it is like you are speaking my own thoughts.
        I DO NOT WANT TO SENTENCE MYSELF TO A LIFE OF MISERY. He doesn’t know how to love…he is damaged and doesn’t know what is love. Somehow I do not feel happy with him. I feel insecure and unloved. Why do I need to stay with such a man? He may have given all he could but it did not fill my needs. It is nobody’s fault. Just incompatibility I guess.
        Love is there…but apparently that does not mean you should always stay together.

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