When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

You are sitting with your cell phone staring at a text message you wrote to your ex hours ago. You debate whether to send it or not. You stare at your phone while your mind tells you to have more respect for yourself. You logically understand that sending the message is not going to make the situation any better – nor will it heal your pain. Then your heart enters the scene and overpowers your mind. Your heart says, “Go ahead, send it, you will feel better…temporarily at least.”

The scenario above represents one example of a misalignment between your heart and your mind that is a common occurrence after a break up. Every decision you make is determined by a combination of your logic and emotion. If these different elements that make you who you are happen to conflict, you will understandably feel conflicted and make decisions that reflect this turmoil.

The concept of alignment will help you understand why you may have been in a relationship that was not good enough for you. It will also help you understand how to use your logic to help heal your broken heart. Let’s look at some more examples of what happens when your heart and mind disagree with one another.

Scenario 1 – During the Relationship

Your mind says, “I deserve more – this relationship is not right.”
Your heart says, “Stay, it will work out.”

If you were in a relationship where it was obvious that you were not receiving the love, respect, and engagement that you deserve, then your mind was probably nudging you during the relationship and asking you, “Why are we still here?” You remained in that relationship for longer than you should have because your heart believed that your mate and relationship could change.

Your heart believed that it was better to be in a relationship that was mediocre than to be alone. Your heart was saying to you, “Hey, give it a chance, it’s not that bad.” Your mind and heart were not aligned and this probably led to fighting, to an internal struggle, and eventually the break up. Often when we want more from a relationship than we are getting, we continually try to get ‘more’ by attempting to change the person we are with or by forcing other changes in the relationship. This is generally a destructive path.

Scenario 2 – During the Relationship

Your heart says, “This relationship is everything I need.”
Your mind says, “There are red flags here that I shouldn’t ignore.”

When one partner in a relationship is not happy, they usually provide indications either verbally, in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, or via non-verbal actions of their discontent. If you are the other partner that is madly in love, you do actually receive the red flags as signals in your mind. Unfortunately, your heart overpowers your logic in this case. Your heart speaks so loudly about how in love you are and how perfect everything is, that you drown out the messages your mind has received.

Eventually, after the break up, it is easier to see the red flags were present in your relationship. You also may realize that some of the reason you were deeply attached to your ex was because you loved the idea of being in love. If you relate to this scenario, remember, you deserve a love with equal give and take. Reciprocity is essential to the success of a relationship and you should never have to convince someone to love you as much as you love them.

Scenario 3 – After the Break Up

Your mind says, “I am going to be okay. In fact, before long, I’m going to feel like myself.”
Your heart says, “The pain is excruciating, I don’t think I will ever feel at peace again.”

After your break up, if you sit quietly and listen to your inner voice, you will hear hope inside. This hope is telling you that you will feel better, that you will live life once again with passion, and that you will experience love once again. The information you are being sent from your mind  is based on your history and the fact that you have overcome obstacles in the past. Your mind remembers the times where you have faced adversity and have come out on the other side stronger and brighter. Your heart is speaking out of fear; listen to your mind – it has a strong basis for giving you hope.

Listen to words from friends, family, and counselors even if they do not feel like they are helping to heal your broken heart. Every single word helps. Listen to every word someone with experience has to tell you. Up until now, we haven’t discussed the subconscious mind. Positive messages to your subconscious mind can overpower negative ones from your heart. Everything you are reading and listening to about healing is entering your subconscious and will help you heal faster.

Above I have discussed the logical mind being overpowered by a somewhat illogical heart. Please note, the situation can certainly occur in reverse. Your heart may experience genuine love yet have seeds of doubt planted by an insecure mind. In either situation, if you are looking to heal your heartache from your current break up, please know it is possible.

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Pia,

Hi there, thanks for writing in. I’m out of the office today, but wanted to let you know I received your email and will get back to you by tomorrow.

Love & Light,

Amelie Chance
Certified Coach of Positive Psychology
Heal My Broken Heart
www.HealMyBrokenHeart.com

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441 Responses to “When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up”

  1. Jess January 3, 2016 at 12:27 pm #

    Im 34 yrs old I was with my boyfriend of 10 years. I’ve known him since high school. Though I dated long term before. He’s the first person I grown to love more and more with time. I was hoping to have kids and get married one day. He broke up with me for 3 months before saying he didn’t want to get married before 4 years ago. He begged for me back and said he did see us together and said he would do anything to make it up to me. A couple days after New Year’s he decided to break up again. Saying he didn’t feel the same anymore and still doesn’t want to get married. I said we just been distance because I’ve been working 3 jobs because he had asked me to move in with him. (I had been working full/over time for a month straight.) He recently reunited with old friends and started doing cocaine them. I found out through several of his texts. He hung out with them New Years and, during the break up also claimed, he doesn’t have fun with me anymore. I can’t help to think it’s about he newly reunited friends and my dislike of people who use cocaine (which he never used before during our relationship). As well as a vindictive girl who does things dispite me just because I dated her husband in junior high.(There was pics of her and him all over social media from New Years). We never fight and we made love alot. He said he’s been feeling this way for a while dispite the fact he ask me to move in with him months ago. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
    Sincerely,
    Confused, lost and hurt.

  2. Raymond osei Boateng January 2, 2016 at 1:02 pm #

    Please help to get out from brokenheart am so worried and don’t know what to do. I was with a lady just about 5months ago, during the xmas, she changed her mind to be with me and now my heart is broken and soo depress.

  3. Ryan November 25, 2015 at 3:37 am #

    Hi there. My name is Ryan and there is currently enough water in my eyes, along with that gnawing sickness from reeling due to relationship withdrawal. Let me State for the record that I am indeed an addict and I have experienced nearly every type of withdrawal. So I know what it feels like and that sick feeling of not having the person there mimics the symptoms almost identically. That said, it’s been four years since the break up. We were together six years. While it was rocky and full of plenty of turbulence, I loved/love this person. She is 10 years older than me. I found that eventually the age difference does come into play. The whole saying “age is just a number” is something I no longer agree with. I suppose that in the end I should feel better by now. And while I have periods of time where I feel completely over it, healthy and very aware of just how toxic it was, this person is just not fading and I still don’t feel fully put together again. I noticed this article due to the mention of the heart and mind conflicting. Because that is exactly the case here. I’m at a loss. Intellectually I understand everything going on. But apart from numbing myself I get very little relief. As you mentioned: completely temporary of course. I know I should face it head-on, but the thing is I have. Hence my being at a loss. When I see people talking about how they were only with someone for a matter of months it almost comes off as insulting. Like I said, together six years, apart for four. It just doesn’t make sense. I should also state that I have not so capable or even had much interest in another sexual relationship. Something her and I shared on a molecular level. I do feel like someone else would help. But I just don’t have it in me to find anyone. Sigh. I don’t know if I will get an email notification should I get a response. But I’m also not sure anyone can help me. This woman is not simply some “cougar” because the love was very real, mutually. We did however start as an affair. I supposed to statistically no one ends up living happily ever after with their “lover”. Still, the only thing that feels like it will provide relief is heroin in my veins or feeling her presence next to mine. I suppose my situation is slightly different than most. Especially given the fact I’ve come clean about being an addict. I would like to think that’s what it is, but I’ve never heard of 4 year withdrawal. And while I’m not sure anyone can help me, I am in fact at a loss and would happily except some nonjudgmental feedback. Good luck to all of us. Truly.

    • Nia December 16, 2015 at 7:33 pm #

      Hi, sorry to hear your story. I am in the same shoe as you are. I am ok and excepted for what it is. I am trying to find an answer why so many have to go through all this events. As I look back in my past I myself also had consequences for my action back then. When I decided to leave my ex with out thinking clearly if my action would hurt anyone. The moment I decided to leave her I already have consequences and I already written my future. So, your action have consequences. What you sow it will reap. So, be mindful. Walk a clear path with clear conscious before you decided to take action. Everyone in this world have to learn and go through this events or it will repeated til you learn from your mistake.

    • Ands December 27, 2015 at 12:47 am #

      I feel the same right at this moment. I hate my life and myself for acting so desperate at times. I have loved, fell out of love, and love him again. For more than 4 years, though we were officially together for only 2 years. He just chose to let go of me and fall inlove with somebody else. What makes it more complicated is that he is my employee. I could have get over him already, but 10 months since he decided to love other girls, we still get attached with each other everytime we get close, or we get to be together, which is a lot of times. My heart just keep on hoping that may be someday he will finally realize how much he loves me still. But i found out he spent his christmas eve with his 8 months old girlfriend really broke my heart. As if the pain will kill me, or I wanted to die. I asked him to leave by that same day but he refused. Asking for 10 more days. But every minute of the pain just gets deeper, I just want him out of my life, never get to hear from him or see him. It is very very hard for me to let go of him as an employee because he knows everything about my business, and I trust him with the problems, and he can do a lot of things to lighten the job, and we started it together. I am thinking of drinking alcohol but I can’t stand the bitterness. I want to try to get high so I can’t feel the pain. I am praying that may God take this pain away already. We’ve been hurting each other for more than 2 years. I can only pray..

    • Becky Strand December 28, 2015 at 12:11 am #

      Four years is not that long or uncommon. I went out with a guy for 7 years and he cheated on me. I was devastated to say the least. Once a cheater always a cheater so I left him. I wanted to marry this guy and he broke my heart. I could not get out of bed, I did not feel joy in any of my activities. I felt like I could not go on without him. I thought about him all the time, morning noon and night. It took me almost 4 years to get over him, until the joy came back and the days were no longer grey. There is no time limit on this stuff. The heart heals at its own pace. Its now 20 years later and I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 13 years and we have two wonderful children. Things happen for a reason, and they don’t happen when and where we want them to but in the end things always work out for the best. Maybe you had to go through all this because the next girl is going to be “the one” and you needed to experience all that turbulence and pain so that you could be a better man for this new love that will someday come into your life. Stay strong- Do not pick up the heroin, I knew 3 people that did and now they are dead. You sound like a wonderful caring man, don’t let that go to waste. Good luck my friend…..

    • MISS January 10, 2016 at 11:01 pm #

      Get rid of all your keepsakes or at least lock them away far out of site. Stop all contact with her. Write a letter letting her go. Love yourself harder and know that if you can love the wrong one this hard inagine how much more so you will love the right one. But you have to be free and ready for the right one and she will find you. Best of luck ☺

  4. Fred November 23, 2015 at 4:00 pm #

    I was dating this girl for about a month but I liked this SOO MUCH. We were always together, always talk, laugh, have jokes, and we knew each other very good. And we were with a bunch of friends one night and she ignored me and we didn’t talk that night and our friends wanted us to talk and I told her how I felt and that I like her a lot and all she said was “I don’t know”. She talked to other friends on how she felt and said she kind of liked me and that I was her first real relationship and all that stuff. So the next day I texted her and told her to be completely honest and tell me how she feels and she said how she wants to break up cause she needs time to her self and that we can still talk and she won’t move on. I didn’t answer that and later that night I texted her saying I still like her and I’m always there for her no matter what. It’s been three weeks and I’ve been talking to her as a friend and it’s been terrible. Sometimes we have conversations and it’s like she still likes me and sometimes it’s not like that. I try to tell myself to move on but I just can’t. She’s always on my mind, I can’t stop thinking about her and o can’t stop thinking about all the good times we had and I just miss her a lot. I don’t know what to do…

  5. Malish September 21, 2015 at 4:48 am #

    I just brokeup with my ex who was with me for only 7months. We stayed together and we spent everytime together, we had trips, we met each other family, we were so happy! Until one day he started to complain about my behaviour. He said i was so difficult, always accused him and so many other things. He then said he wanted to break up. I was shocked because as i knew we fought just like normal couple, we even barely fought over things. Its like once in a few weeks. He put all the blames on me. He made me believe its all my faults. One day we met his friend and his friend started to tell about him. He said my bf never had time to have a lunch with them, always seemed busy with you, and any other things. I mean he chose to! He was just at home playing game and he never said to me that his friends invite him somewhere. He was even just too lazy to go somewhere. Its not my fault! They blamed me over things that i didnt even know and my ex bf never told me about it. I cried not because i felt guilty but because i felt manipulated by my own bf. He never complained anything during our relationship but i know he kept it. He asked advise from his friend when he knew nothing about us. I know his friend didnt like me but pretended that he did. I sometimes found his friend message asking to go to pool party with girls and then next time he would say to me that me and my bf (ex now) were good couple and he wished us the best. He even admitted me that he used to ask my bf to find another girl just in case my bf bored of me. He knew nothing about the contributions i shared during my relationship with my ex.
    2 weeks ago my bf asked me have a break under “this friend” advice. We both agree that we would take this break as a time to ease the anger. We agreed that we wouldnt date/flirt/hookup with other guy/girl when we were on break. I then moved out from his place and stay with my friends. During the break time he chat me every single day and we even met. Just like normal couple, we held hands and kissed. I thought the break was the best idea eventho i got many negative comments from my friends. I knew he finally spent his time with his friends. I knew they went to club every weekend, they smoke weed almost every night, they literally did all the things single dudes do (except play with girls). After almost 2 weeks we were on break he said to me he felt frustrated. By that moment he was drinking. I tried to call him but he didnt wanna answer he just wanted to talk through chat. He said his company reduced his salary and cut 2 weeks from it. I asked him why he said because his work was not satisfying during this past weeks. He was devastated and frustrated as he just signed a contract at this company. He also talked me that he felt like shit because he couldnt pass the test from other company. He said he felt stupid because all the questions were easy but he couldnt answer them correctly. I gave my time to calm his down as he always talked to me when he had problems. I said i got your back and i even tried to contact my sister in case she knew any company who offers job. I literally did everything as i always did when we were still okay. I said to him to calm down and stop drinking. But h didnt want to listen. The next day i went to his house because we had plan to go to zoo. I sat in his bed and he laid his head and i smiled i said i will always be there for you. We hugged each other and he suddenly said please dont this to me. I noticed everytime we almost dissolved by the emotion he always pushed me away. Its like theres something inside his mind.
    After i came back from zoo i went to my friend’s place and she was checking her tinder at the moment. She suddenly shocked and asked me is this your bf? I was also shocked to see him in tinder. My friend asked me should i swipe right? I said yes. And they both matched. I straight up called him with my friend’s number. It was so noisy like in the club/bar. I asked him when did he use the tinder? He said few days ago i said its written your last seen was an hour ago. He just said wtf wtf wtf. I asked him to delete that app. He said yes. I ended the call and cried but my friend chat him on tinder said that hes a coward, he let his gf hang on break and play with this app. He then replied to my friend with alot of nasty stuffs. “Fuck you bitch! Why did you even swipe right to your friend’s bf profile? Me personally swiped right to you just to prove to my friends that you are a slut…..*many curse words*”. My friend tried to calm me down and said i was being too good in this relationship and its time to let it end. I tried to make up my mind and totally agreed with her. The next day i came to his house to get my stuffs. I was shocked when he opened the door he was with his friend smoking weed. He looked high and whole of the apartment was hazy. I packed my stuffs and once its done i asked him to come inside the bedroom talk to me. I asked “what are you doing on tinder?” he said “having fun”. I said “you have a gf do you even think about me when you are playing there?” He said “I had not have”. I step closer and i asked it again “what??” He said “i had gf. so now can you please take your stuffs and go?” I was so mad and cracked, my hands were shaking and my heart pounded so fast i couldnt control myself and i slapped his face. I took my stuffs and i said to him hes an asshole. I went down to the security and told them there are ppl smoking weed at (his floor). I went out from the apartment with very huge and heavy luggage. I tried to calm myself down so i smoked. I didnt know what happen to me. I cried without even noticing it. My hands were still shaking and the feelings hit me all at once.
    I couldnt believe someone i trusted, i loved could do that to me. I know its a lesson but its sad when i remember how we had so much plans together, to get married, to settle down in one country and be happy and it still brings me to tears when i know we end like this. I hate him so much now but i see him everytime i close my eyes. The worst part of broken heart is when i just wokeup. Especially when the nightmare woke me up. I stare side by side and hes not around. I miss the tighter hug i got when i wokeup in the midnight. I miss the kiss when i was sleeping. The goodnight. The taste of milk he made me every single night, the jokes, the smell, the greenish blue eyes, everything. I never knew we would be like this. Just a week before it happened we laid down in the jacuzzi of his house and he told me he was so happy to be with me and he loved me so much. Now it disappeared. Im still in pain eventho i know ill be alright. I still cant believe eventho i know this will reshape me to be better.

    (S)

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