Breaking Up is a No Contact Sport: 8 Ways To Help You Go Cold Turkey

idletimeAre you as sad as our pooch?

From 35 emails, 18 texts, 9 calls, 5 voicemails and daily visits to NOTHING? Is that what we’re asking you to do – cut off all contact with your ex? It’s actually not sad, because the thought of not seeing or speaking to your ex is so painful that it almost seems like a joke. Yet, no one is laughing. You know what else isn’t funny? Refreshing your email 100 times a day and checking every other man made mobile device waiting for a beacon of hope. It’s exhausting. Well, it’s time to make a change. You can stop contacting your ex and start healing. You can. You will. We will help.

First, let’s look at the problem. You can last a few days with no contact riding off some anger and the encouragement of friends, but then it happens. You are alone with your blackberry, watching tv and you see a commercial you both loved…

You stare at your phone and the most urgent reason to call him manifests: I still have his favorite socks. I wouldn’t want him going to the gym and run on the treadmill without socks. I think I heard on Good Morning America that running sockless is linked to a toe infection epidemic. Yes, that’s right, that’s what they said. This is definitely an emergency. I should definitely call him.

Others decide it’s time to will the phone to ring or vibe with a new text. Yes, I will stare at the phone and use my telepathic powers to make her contact me. Wait! Maybe there is something wrong with the phone. I should make an outgoing call to make sure. Oh, okay, it works. Wait! In the three seconds I was dialing, maybe she called and got thrown into voicemail and thought I ignored her call. Okay, I should definitely call her.

If you want to contact your ex, you will find a reason. Likewise, if they want to contact you, no reason in the world would keep it from happening. It is up to you to cut the contact. Does it make you feel better to get a message from your ex? Sure. Does it get you through the night to send a little text and hear something back? Perhaps. However, in the end, you don’t get what you want from them and the contact makes you feel worse. Your greater goal is to get over this heartache and contact is not moving you towards this goal. Every contact is just delaying the healing process.

Here are 8 Ways to Help you go Cold Turkey!

1.    Take Care of Business – Get a box and pack up keys, clothes, kids (ok, not the kids), but all other items he or she will want back. Ship them to your ex.

2.    Identify your Weak Points - When do you want to call or contact the person most? Think about it. Ready? Ok, write it down. Now be conscious of your weak points and when you hit one, use #3 to combat your temptation to make contact.

3.    Create an Arsenal of Distractions – Make a list of things that you can do instead of contacting your ex.  (i.e. Calling a friend, going outside, taking a shower etc.) Use these when something in #2 creeps up.

4.    Find your 3 Doosies – Write down your three biggest reasons for not contacting your ex. One might be because I always feel worse after I hang up the phone. Put them on post-its and stick them next to every electronic device you have.

5.    Quit Online Stalking – Make it stop. Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, Gchat etc. Develop new online habits.

6.    Fancy Not Meeting You Here – Don’t frequent the places you used to frequent together. This one is kind of a Duh! If you are intentionally going to places you think you will run into your ex, stick one of the post-its from #4 on your head.

7.    Back away from the Blackberry – Put the phone in another room at night. When you are out having a drink, hand the phone to your friends to reduce temptation. Vow to only check it 1-2x per day.

8.    At a Minimum, Try This – If this is too much to bear, we get it. This is the slower route, but it will eventually get you into the fast track. Try cutting out one form of communication per week. First calls, then emails, then texts, you get the picture.

Need more help healing from a broken heart? Start by taking our broken heart survey to find out what type of broken heart you have and steps to heal.

248 Responses to “Breaking Up is a No Contact Sport: 8 Ways To Help You Go Cold Turkey”

  1. Smithb23 April 8, 2014 at 7:01 am #

    Hi there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after checking through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Nonetheless, I’m definitely happy I found it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back frequently!

  2. kelly April 2, 2014 at 7:45 pm #

    met up with my first love after 10 years of being apart. we were both separating from our others and we both have kids. Always trying to spend every free moment we had with one another. every weekend was ours ( kid free ) for the past 4 years. he didn’t want to meet my daughter who was 4 at the time and 4 years later still doesn’t want to bond the two families. he saw my family and even came to my dads funeral, yet his family doesn’t even know I exist! the phone calls and texts have dropped significantly, can go morning and night without saying anything when before it was always I love you and hey baby. he wants to keep our relationship strictly to the weekends and have his separate life of raising his son from mon to thurs. I completely respect that, however I also feel that ive been taken for granted now and that after 4 years of devoting my heart to this man, ive become more like his girl Friday and nothing more. We broke up and haven’t spoken for 4 days. im completely heartbroken but also insulted. I feel like such an idiot now.

  3. sarah August 30, 2013 at 1:31 am #

    Love is giving, not selfish. We know when we give all we have to someone we love, and we know in our guts when we are not being treated with love. A man who loves you will bring you a blanket when the air is chilly, bring you a tea in the morning, support you on bad days and laugh with you on good days. Love is patient, gentle and kind. I know this because that’s how I treated my love. I noticed early on that he was putting me on a shelf and taking me down when he wanted me. I allowed it thinking it was just his stuff he was working out. Recently he was offered a job on the other side of the country and told me he wouldn’t go without me. I told him I was not prepared to move with him. He works out of town a lot and recently when he was home, he wasn’t here. So in 2 years we never spent more than a few days a month together. I told him there was not a good enough foundation between us for me to sell my house and move away with him. this coupled with the fact that more and more it was seeming that I was always apologizing for something. When he took the job anyway it occurred to me that this man would take everything I gave and leave me for the first better thing that came along. Well, I believe that there is nothing better to come along. I am a wonderful, happy beautiful woman, at least I believed that before him. Love him dearly but told him, no not going with you. He doesn’t leave for 3 more months but ended it right then and there because I knew the hurt that was coming and didn’t want to prolong the healing. I have put my heart first again. I have stared at the phone, wanted to call, text…anything, but I have not.

    When the other person loves you, really loves you, youll know it because they will treat you the way you treat them. With dignity and thoughtfulness. If those two things are not there, its not coming.

    I know what I deserve, I hope you do to.

    • Mike April 2, 2014 at 10:18 pm #

      Glad you were able to see what was happening and managed to get out hopefully without too much heartache. Just as an example, it’s not always the ladies that get treated like dirt – I’m trying to recover from a horrible relationship with a commitment phobe and I think a bit of NPD. One of her final statements to me as “we’d be ok if you just did what I say when I want it”… and I seriously considered saying “ok”. My lessons I’m learning are (a) crossed boundaries MUST have appropriate consequences (b) never put anyone on a pedestal (c) use the 2nd date rule (if this behavior happened on the 2nd date, would there be a third?) and (d) if they leave you, never give them a 2nd chance. Yes, true love will make you lose yourself and your self-respect.

      I truly hope all of you heal quickly and can move forward with your lives. Amelie has been a big help as has Eddie Corbano. I’m still healing and hope it goes away soon. Big hugs to anyone in the same situation – Mike.

  4. heartbroken May 30, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

    I feel like i could happily take my heart out with a fork. Will it ever get better. Me and my husband seperated almost 4months ago and i have tried just about everything from going out with friends to even going out on a date. My heart and my mind cant seem to forget about him!!

    • kathy January 3, 2014 at 3:36 pm #

      Ahhh hello heartbroken . Give yourself time grieve the loss. But you must make the effort to see people even if you don’t feel like it. We’ve all been where you are, because you’ve attached yourself to your husband.

      But its really good to great yourself to a new wardrobe, different hair style colour etc.

      When you love yourself pamper yourself your taking care of your needs.

      Go out with your friends and show your husband that you don’t need him, nothing worse as you come off needy.

      Now girl go out and have a life and you never know what will happen….who knows

      Kathy

  5. Fool March 17, 2013 at 12:39 am #

    I was having a lovely relationship since last 9 years with my boyfriend. But today I come to know that he was cheating me since last 1 year. He even slept with her….I don’t know how many times. I did find something fishes recently and asked him about her. But he said she is just a friend……but then I see his messages in his phone and Facebook. I am shattered. I don’t know what to do. Now he says he loves me only but then he still in touch with that girl. I know its time for me to move on. I am trying. But there are so many questions that I want to ask him……so I am not being able to resist myself from calling him……Please help me as how should I carry on. I cant imagine my life without him as I am used to him since last 9 years.

    • Repent April 6, 2013 at 7:34 am #

      I am sorry about what has happened to you. Let me share with you this. I had cheated on my ex-gf of 5 years last year in August. She found out two weeks later, and we struggled for 3 months trying to fix it. We found out one thing, we couldn’t because we were too close. We loved each other like you loved your ex. She decided it would be time to go through cold turkey, over christmas and all kinda festives. It kills, and I could not take it anymore 2 months into it. I seeked the help of my mother, not because I am a mummy’s boy, in fact, i had never liked troubling her, i live alone. When my ma called, she was shocked. Her golden boy was shattered, by his own actions, and I remembered how she confided in my ma about this. I told my ma, im feeling horrible and just poured my heart out to her, and asked time and time again reliving the moments of our relationships when it ended. My ma called her and she wasn’t ready for it. But i felt I had to talk to her, that night I did. It was too much emotionally for her, i believe, and i kinda backed out on what i said, about no contact for 5 months. She was angry and told me its over. It made me think for the longest time, why I loved her and why i cheated. Trust me, cheaters have a different set of problems. They are sentenced to life imprisonment, they have no way of making things better. Bruno Mars sings it well, When I was your man. All cheaters, including him, regret and hate themself as I do. I know i will never cheat again, but I know she deserves a better me, more than who she previously went out with, the old selfish me. If you think about what happened, its common. But is he common, and if you cant forget, then ask yourself one month for a day you went out with him, can you forgive? I am seeing a counsellor now, but I know we must both be on the same platform, wanting to fix this. I will find this out soon, in a month’s time when our cold turkey is over. Take care.

  6. rolltheclockforward February 26, 2013 at 10:05 am #

    It is so comforting to realise that I am not the only person going through this, although, of course, I wouldn’t wish it of anyone else. The advice is brutal, isn’t it? But with my thinking head screwed on straight, I know it makes sense. If it’s over, it’s over. Why prolong the agony and make myself feel even worse for even longer? It seems that everyone who writes up their story here knows, at some level, that their relationship over, but the really hard thing is to accept it. I have read recently about the stages of the “grief cycle” (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). It has helped me to understand that what I am experiencing is a series of stages and that as I pass though each stage, I will start to feel better. Eventually. All this rational and logical thinking doesn’t, of course, eliminate the burning ache I feel in my chest where my whole heart was beating quite happily until recently, but it is helping me get through the next ten minutes. Exercise. Decent food. Doing what feels right in the right company. Not forcing myself into situations where I will feel worse. Crying. Working hard at something useful. Being busy enough to eliminate the amount of time I spend reflecting by myself. It’s tough though, isn’t it? Getting over something you really don’t want to ever get over. Really tough.

    • Natalie, May 18, 2013 at 8:52 am #

      I agree with your story entirely. I am currently. 10th week of no contact. My ex has not tried to contact me once so I am assuming he has a ‘distraction’ elsewhere. He cheated on me 2 years ago with a woman he met through work………….he is a traveling salesman. Have to say it’s not getting any easier yet! Friends have all gone back to their own stuff, I dread the weekends most when I am amongst all the memories…… We were together 6 years but worked together 2 years before that.

      • Jay December 10, 2013 at 4:15 am #

        This work out for you? Going through the same thing!

  7. solutions February 25, 2013 at 8:13 pm #

    Some things that may help someone going through a heartbreak:
    1) Something positive will come out of it. It may be an upgrade to your career or some other improvement in your life, or motivation to jog up some mountains – you will be Stronger & Better by moving forward, keeping working on your goals. For me, I poured myself into a health science degree to distract myself, getting great results and moving to a career that I love.
    2) Time will heal the pain – understandably, the initially breakup effects causes A LOT of physiological problems – tight chest pain, fatigue/exhaustion (from overthinking what happened/blaming yourself), lack of sleep – accept that pain is there, give yourself permission to feel pain after a breakup. In the bigger picture – by not contacting your ex (& deleting anything that would remind you of him) – the more the pain continues.
    3) Realise that other people have gone through the similar Horrible breakup pain as you (i.e. officially called – ‘this-moment-sucks’ period). Blog your experience to get other perspectives.
    4) Music – listen to upbeat positive songs that can distract yourself & avoid sad/drama songs.
    5) Realise – in 100 years – you won’t be here, so you might as well make the most of your life now.
    6) Exercise – long workout sessions really help to release endorphines which will make you feel a bit better. Just try it!
    7) Time times don’t last – but tough people do.

    • Toni December 28, 2013 at 10:41 am #

      Thank you for this response solutions. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about one month ago and even though I had to for my mental health I miss him so much but I don’t want him back I repeat this to myself all the time. so for the past four weeks I have hardly gone out, I stay at home and just space out, I just google all day long seeking answers finding support, I call it my grieving process. Your response has been the first I have found inspirational. I agree with everything you said I especially love the part when you said deleting anything that reminds you of him the more the pain continues, although I have not contacted him as I have nothing to say. however every one else has indicated to get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex-partner. I carry a picture of us that reminds me that we did have good times however he just couldn’t, was capable of, putting our relationship first. it is what it is. As I am writing to you I feel kinder at peace with in my self, I must be healing. the next thing I am going to do is start excising. I just want you to know that today you touched some me, and made it a world for me to live in. Thank you

  8. Debbie January 18, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

    My boyfriend does this disappearing act. He doesn’t text, call or come by. Then all of a sudden he’s back. I can not keep living like this. Its hard for me to be with him and hard for me to be without him. I have a psychic who told me hes not cheating. I believe it. I just don’t understand. He promised me he would do better and the next day the same shit. My heart is broken and I know I have to let him go, its just so hard. I am going to follow theses eight rules and hope it works.

  9. ashley November 16, 2012 at 1:37 am #

    Me and my ex were on and off for 2 years then he moved in with me for 2 months and we had a disagreement that spilt us up. He tried getting back with me and i tried with him and he had already met another female that i grew up with. He tried getting back with me and i kept turning him down bc im already hurt there was no need to make it worser. Then she gets pregnant from him and now its hurting me bad. He was like my best friend and its been 3 months and i havent moved on yet. I just need to get over him and move on but it hurts.

  10. viv November 11, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

    I just kicked the love of my life out of my life and I am devastated. I met him when I was 13 years old and I would stay the night at a friends house across the street from his. We had our young romance, and I knew he really liked me because once I accidentally farted right in his face and he just laughed. A few years later he proved it again when he asked me to homecoming and I said no because I couldn’t get a dress so instead of asking another girl he took me to a movie instead. We eventuallyost touch. 10 years later We found each other and started a relationship that lasted 2 years and ended this morning. Our relationship wasn’t perfect at all but I love him more than I thought I ever would. He doesn’t love me back. He says he was getting close but I think if he doesn’t love me after all these years he never will. So I kicked him out of my apartment at 2:30 this morning. He left his hat and I was hoping it would be a few days before he came to get it but I just burst into tears as I shut the door after him and sobbed uncontrollably as I watched him walk away from my window with his hat. I feel like I can’t breath. I don’t want to get up and go to work tomorrow. I will because I have to but I will be a zombie. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know if I will ever get over him. I love you Dirk.

  11. oh my darlin September 24, 2012 at 12:47 am #

    This is my third & final blog on this site.

    I am free! I don’t hurt anymore!

    I have renamed my ex, “teacher” on my fone(I don’t feel heart strings). He has taught me for the second time what I really want from a relationship. I know that he will always love me, but he is not good for me. I need to think of reaching my highest self & he doesn’t allow me peace to incorporate my intelligence. Wow, it was so painful and very hard- but I’m proof that it can be done….

    Best of luck, strength & enlightenment on your journey to heal your heart and find the love that you so deserve.

  12. Dumbfounded September 2, 2012 at 1:30 am #

    Its been a week since he walked out the door telling me he live me & he could wait to spend our lives together as it should be. Then the silence came, no calls,text that said I’m sorry going thru rough time I’ll be ok etc. all this I find out was bullshit & the unconditional love he said we had,honesty,comfort,never felt this way before we’re all lies. I moved on from a sticky situation to be with this man, fell in love with him right away but he was supposedly unhappily married & wanted to file for divorce. Many times I felt he wasn’t ready for divorce & stopped seeing him told him go back. This last time 4months apart he swore up & down he’s sorry, he misses me he honestly lives me it was just guilt. He filed for divorce, she has a second life of her own & extremely ugly to him.. He came back divorce almost final & after feeding me so much bullshit I find out he told my ex he made a mistake, he still loves his wife
    & wants her back. I was again crushed,my heart ripped out.. Again I’m a fool. He wants to be friends, going to counseling to help himself as the poor him is lost heart broken & sorry he hurt so many people.. I told him he needs to close the door on me for him to move on.. Still he wants to be able to say hello.. How selfish as he didn’t once think About my feelings thru this whole process. I gave him plenty of opportunities to go back to her but he begged me,even asked my forgiveness for his cold turkey tactics 2 months prior. I believed him once again, now I’m a mess torn apart but when he text instead of a conversation I give 1 word answers. I need to say goodbye but it hurts so badly when you find that one person you’re compatible with in every way. I’m so lost as I gave up my life,my friends & now left alone to get thru this myself. I’m pretty much destroyed on how someone can be so cold & lie so easliy. He was here making love extremely happy one moment to someone who didn’t care after 4 yrs. 4 years & only issues were him pulling away, guilty feelings,etc we had 1 true arguement and now I have to say goodbye for good.

  13. Don J. August 20, 2012 at 9:59 pm #

    I am a fool. I met this girl online 14 months ago and really do love her. We would talk, text, exchange emails and we really bonded. I know this is crazy, because we never met, but I love her and believe she loved me. Seven months ago, she was going to fly out to see me (we are 800 miles apart) and at the last minute I freaked and canceled on her, made a work related excuse. This past month, I arranged to fly to her, but once again, could not follow through with the plan and emailed her that I couldnt make it. I’m a jerk, I just have this fear that she won’t “love” me anymore, that I won’t be what she expects. I didn’t have the courage to call and speak to her about it and now she wants nothing to do with me. She thinks I’m “attached” or just playing her. I’ve only texted her with little response. As I reflect on my apologies, I see that I’ve allowed my ego to get in the way. I should’ve had the courage to see her, call her, not cancel in an email. Now it’s all over, and NOW I want to call her and see her, take that risk. I know I’m the one that messed up, she was a great person, IS STILL a great person. I’m just too much of an idiot to take that leap forward. I should have spoken to her more often , sent flowers, SHOWN her how special she was to me. Now she thinks I’m married. No, I’m just a coward and now devastated that I can’t fix it. I don’t blame her for dropping me. Is it too late? Maybe I should forget it, she was too good for me. Why am I so insecure? I’m 47 years old, not in bad shape, have a decent career, BUT, I lack confidence and compassion. I should’ve respected her feelings, placed myself in her shoes, made her feel “special”. Now I’ll never know what I have lost.
    Thanks for listening (reading), hope to never repeat this mistake.

  14. Izzy July 20, 2012 at 5:42 am #

    It’s been three months. It was a strange but wonderful time with this man. I have to work with him – not everyday thank goodness – but he’s in my office around twice a week. The last three months for me have been Hell and I don’t want another three months like it. I have gone cold cold turkey. He was stalking me on Whatsapp, so I no longer log on. If he arrives at the office, I literally remove myself from the office and work elsewhere. I fell in love, he didn’t. Top and bottom of it. He used me for sex I think. He told me so many lies, told me he loved me, spent money on me. And he was cheating the whole time with his ex. I suppose he didn’t have enough respect for me to be honest with me. Now he can’t look me in the eye when I have to speak with him – and I do try to be pleasant and professional. He keeps his back to me and avoids me. He’s fine on email and text, his normal self. (I am PA to his boss). So I’m endeavouring to remove myself from his environment as it hurts when I see him. It tweaks me when he contacts me and realising that I’m not getting over this, I just have to avoid him. I very much miss his friendship. Anywhoooo!!! I have to persuade myself that it’s his loss.

  15. Hard to Breathe July 16, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    My ex broke up with me 11 months now , We have stayed close, however I believe he is using me as a crutch until he heals , while I’m sticking around waiting for him to take me back as his girl . I cheated on him 11months ago and he found out , it wasn’t sex it was me running to be comforted (Mentally) by a co-worker, however this co-worker had a big ego and when my guy called him he lead my man to believe we had something more than it was. I admit I was spending alot of time with this guy, walking home, lunch breaks etc, but It was because he was sooo easy to talk to and without judgement , me and my Ex use to argue a lot so it was a breath of fresh air with my co-worker. Well I found out my young co-worker had a crush on me and secretly wanted me to leave my ex all along . I guess I was being naive and not picking up on him following me to woman stores (Smile) . In any event I love my man and I cried myself to sleep many nights I told myself I can move on, I just don’t want to , but its clear he is moving on with his life, he has stop inviting me to family events, he goes on vacation out the country without me etc, at first he said he needed a break to think things through , so like a fatherless child I stood in the middle of the road waiting for him to grab my hand and continue where we left. He never returned. Today I am going cold turkey! It will probably be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in life, but I cant sit by and watch his life grow while mine dissolves awaiting his return -when he knows he has left this road a year ago for good. I’m tired of waiting I’m tired of begging. I’m so sorry for what I did, however I was too disposable to him and I said sorry a million times, I waited a year now, he knows how I feel he know how much i love him and want him to be my husband . I might not be OK tomorrow or the day after , but like the bible says , weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning . Stay blessed everyone I hope our hearts will heal soon. I am handing my heart to god now and I ask him to release it only when he deems it safe to the right man , someone that will wipe my knees off when I fall and kiss my forehead when I have a headache I’m tired of giving myself to men that don’t give me anything worth mentioning . heal me soon.

  16. oh my darlin June 21, 2012 at 6:19 am #

    Reminder to self- cold turkey! He has turned the power up on actually going thru with his plans of vacation. He has been all talk & no action, now he has kicked himself into action & I’m pretty sure it is to spite me. He only wants me after I shut the door. Cold turkey! Cold turkey! Cold turkey!

    • Michael January 4, 2014 at 8:48 pm #

      Perhaps the change is for you, not in spite of you?

  17. Online Sweetheart June 20, 2012 at 4:25 am #

    I’m so glad I stumbled on this website via Google, there’s just something so special about this community, being able to seek solace through understanding and connecting with everyone else’s suffering. I suppose it’s both touching and tragic at the same time.

    Anyway, it’s been two days now, but I suppose this has been a long time coming. I’m certain that anyone who reads my “heartbreak” story would patronisingly shake their head at me and write me off as a complete and utter fool, which I fully admit to being one.

    I fell in love to the point that my unconditional trust and faith in him was open to being taken advantage of, which he certainly did. Last year, we encountered one another on an online blogging site and as we got to talking more, I felt myself slowly getting attached to him. He was so charming and intelligent and funny, I couldn’t help not being sucked in. Despite living in different countries, we began an online relationship and never having had a boyfriend before, I got swept up in this flight of fancy in being able to have someone to talk to everyday and feel like even on the other side of the world, I was loved by another. My mind had turned to mush, I was completely void of logical thinking and it never occurred to me how odd it was that he would always avoid videocalling with me or would always have a reason not to come meet me.

    Slowly, this questionable behaviour began to build, and I found myself constantly questioning everything but still, I held on to him dearly because I refused to believe in the idea that someone would want to create lies for no real gain. He never asked for money or anything like that, so it just didn’t make sense as to what reason would anyone want to trick someone into loving them from across the world if money wasn’t involved…

    Anyway, when we reached around the nine-month mark (which was January), my family got involved and strongly disapproved because of the circumstances in which we met and his religion. I was forced to end the relationship in order to keep my relationship with family intact but despite this, I still yearned from him and begged him to come visit me so that my family and I could meet him and we could properly fight to make this work. He took that vulnerability and used it to string me along for almost 6 months, promising to visit me soon, telling me how much he loved me and how he would never let me go… We were on and off so many times during these 6 months, because I knew things didn’t add up and I was almost certain that he was lying about something, but even when I ended things, hope that he was being sincere kept me coming back and holding on…

    Last week, once again, I told him that I wanted to give it another shot and again, he agreed and promised to be the man that I deserved and would be with me in the right way. Then, two days later he began asking me questions as to why we were holding on to eachother and whether love was really enough to make this work. I asked him if these questions meant he was having second thoughts, to which he said yes. He then confessed that he had someone else in mind and had recently began developing feelings for someone else… All in the time he said that he still loved me and missed me and wanted us to work. From there, I simply ended the conversation by thanking him for his honesty and that I wished him goodluck with the future. I deleted all the emails, the photos, the piano compositions he made for me, blocked him on all social sites he could contact me… The sheer shock of the entire ordeal pushed me to finally doing what I should’ve done a very very long time ago– just cut off all contact and stop perpetuating the emptiness.

    I know the end of this pathetic excuse of a relationship should have occurred months ago, and believe me, I kept trying so hard to do so over and over, but hopeless first love kept bringing me back. And the fact that he accepted me back so quickly made it so easy and safe. In a way, it was like a safeguard– it was so easy to delude myself into believe I had love. It was addictive, even if it wasn’t “real” in the conventional way people experience love.

    He just had this indescribable hold over me; how he was able to get me to connect and to become so emotionally vulnerable I’ll never know. I guess having him to be the one to end things completely and be moving on to someone is what’s so unbelievingly painful. The fact that I gave so much, was so willing to sacrifice anything and everything for him, and he gave so little back… Only to decide that I’m now “old news” or something, just makes my whole world turn to black.

    I suppose with time, there will come a sense of relief that he facilitated the end of this vicious cycle and has allowed me to wake up to my senses and hope to find love in reality that will feel so much more rich and fulfilling when actually getting to see and hear and touch that beloved person. He did what I couldn’t do, what I should’ve done a very long time ago but my heart refused to believe that this could be real one day… Now that image has been shattered I feel completely empty and void of all emotion. I know it was fabricated, but the love and faith I have for him is so raw and true. I know it’s best in the long run but still… trying to let go of someone who became my whole world seems so impossible.

  18. Tamyron O'Leary June 2, 2012 at 3:06 am #

    Alright, you got me. I actually sat down with pen and paper and listed my weak points, the distractions I can employ, 3 major reasons why I should NOT cave on impulse, and because what you said REALLY hit home for me, I think I just might tack those sticky notes in strategic places…..including the one on my forehead. Thank you for writing in such plain and direct language.

  19. R May 25, 2012 at 5:18 am #

    V, I’m in the exact same position as you. My ex used to keep us a secret.. there was no hint on him dating me on facebook – and sad to say, none of his friends even knew of my existence. Blinded by love, I told myself that the whole facebook saga was just him wanting to have some sort of privacy. My ex is now dating this girl.. who met me at a party while I was still with my ex. Like you, i’m guessing they hit it off while we were still dating though he denies that (I choose not to believe his words – he has lied to me on several occasions).

    It it hurtful, and it’s been four months since we broke up. We were together for nearly 15 months and even moved in together (for which, barely 2 months after, he breaks up with me). I do wish him happiness, but I’m filled with anger and sadness.

    He’s done me wrong on several occasions, and I forgave him each time. He complains he receives lack of affection from me, despite me showering him with nothing more than my love, care and adoration for him.

    But a player will always be a player… Sad to say. I still miss him, and there are moments where I just tear up. I miss and love him dearly, though I know the feeling is not mutual.

  20. Duke May 22, 2012 at 9:38 am #

    My ex and I broke up 2 days ago. Reading these stories definitely helps. The tips I will have to put into practice. I made a list of reasons why I should not be with her and why I should. Four years in a relationship and I realise that if she realy wanted me and loved me as she said, she would fetch me where I am now. She aint calling, texting, deleted me off BBM and face book. If she cannot contact me for what we have built, for what we planned, then why should I bother contacting her. It is not tit for tat. It is me finally realising that it takes 2 people to be in a relationship. I still look out for emails, texts etc. I do also know that she will not be contacting me. I will be strong, my heart will heal. I will be a better me, for I have given her my all and my best. Her immaturity to commit fully to a relationship and my pain is not worth crying. just wish i had sum one to speak to face to face.

  21. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice... May 9, 2012 at 1:35 pm #

    Words cannot express the pain I am going through with my soon to be ex boyfriend. We met online about 5 years ago and dated for a few months, but ended up drifting apart. I never really stopped loving him and thought of him daily. We remained friends for about 3 years after, until the last year, where we lost contact. I desperately tried to search for him and managed to find his number about 2 months ago. Called him and he ended up telling me that he loved me and always will and that he wanted to get back together. I found out not long after that that he always had my number (haven’t changed it in 10 years) but he never called me during that one year lull which hurts. I mean, if he loved me, wouldn’t he try to get in contact with me like I did with him?

    Anyways, it’s been a very rocky road since then. Our first serious argument came about 5 days after getting back together. He introduced me to a couple of his friends and pointed out my bust to them right in front of me. I told him that made me uncomfortable and to not do that again but he did it an hour later with another friend. He then got mad at ME when I told him it made me upset and refused to talk to me for a bit.

    The second argument happened when my doctor told me I might have diabetes, I was feeling extremely down. You see, my bf likes to debate politics (which we don’t agree on) so he kept trying to force his views on me. I got very upset with him and told him I wasn’t in the mood. I mean, he didn’t even ask me about my doctor’s visit or anything. How could he be so selfish?

    Our third real argument came yesterday (a week later) when I told him that he hasn’t been affectionate with me at all in the last 2 weeks, and that it bothered me. He got very angry and said he was having a bad day and told me to eff off twice. I was completely heart broken. Not only did I worry about him and this bad day of his but was seriously stunned by the way he reacted to me saying he hasn’t been affectionate at all.

    One common theme all our arguments have had is that it is ME that keeps apologizing to him, even though I know I shouldn’t, he should be apologizing to me for the way he behaves. Honestly I feel if he had been treating me better I wouldn’t need to confront him on anything, but I’ve been heart broken too many times to just take on a passive role.

    I know it’s going to end soon, the relationship is very dysfunctional, I just don’t know if it’s going to be him or me. It hurts, but I know I will get over it with enough time and no contact.

  22. oh my darlin May 2, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

    I hope we all can heal our heart aches, get stronger and love again…. MY LIFE WAS COMPLETE after heart ache 18 years prior, my ex found me on Facebook and he told me he had been through extensive therapy. He told me he had always loved me and wanted to marry me, again…. Never believed him just felt flattered and enjoyed the praise….
    THEN my life abrubtly changed, a few days after Mother’s Day, my mom died suddenly, leaving me with a huge void in my life. I spent all my spare time with my mom & called her whenever I was slow at work. I shopped with her almost daily, as my world was very intertwined with hers. The loss and grief was unbearable. I would call my ex whenever I felt lonely. I always believed exes were exes for a reason and cold turkey was always my style, but losing my mom left me weak & vulnerable….
    Now its been two years since my mom’s death and my ex has made his way back into my heart. He is no good for me and stresses me out. He says things that i cannot repeat, because everyone I know, would be shocked. I have always been an open book and say whatever, but now I have to work at being secretive. I have anxiety attacks and have started getting excema- all manifestations of inner turmoil. I feel like I am stuffing my feelings, numb and very angry…
    I recently read: A Woman’s Worth by Marianne Williamson and this has empowered me. It has helped me to understand I am a loving woman. If I don’t get love in return-I am allowing this other to oppress me. It is my nature to forgive and always give him the benefit of doubt, but in doing this I lose my power. Losing my power is manifesting my anxiety, skin disorder and making me numb & angry….. I pride myself in being present- so today is the day I truly gain my power back and go “cold turkey”!
    Reading all these posts has encouraged me to see a pattern. It seems the manipulaters get into our hearts and leave us guilty. I have nothung to be guilty for- I have loved purely. My intentions were to grow stronger together, but the other half has different plans. Be Strong and do what is right.
    Do not settle for oppression- our mothers, grandmothers, sisters, friends, coworkers & more have fought this fight for too long to allow another knuckle head to steal my passion. My right to happiness and joy and a full return of unconditional love is priority. Best wishes and love to all in healing and mending our hearts…

  23. Dave May 1, 2012 at 1:15 am #

    Hi everyone,
    I found this website and it has really made me feel better about myself. I realise that other people are going through exactly the same things as me. My problem was that my ex-girlfriend was my first real relationship. She had experience of long term relationships before me. I had just turned 19 when we started seeing eachother. She is a year and a half older than me. I know I made some silly mistakes, but as a first time relationship that was to be expected. We broke up after a year but continued to see eachother on a regular basis for another 7 months.We then went through a spell of not talking or communicating. I missed her everyday. I had told her that I wanted to get back together with her and she told me that she didn’t want to do it anymore. 2 weeks later after not contacting her, she asked me to get back with her. I was very stubborn adn told her that because she didn’t want me before, I don’t want to be with her now. I have since come to my senses at which point she has told me that she is over me. I’m at a loss to understand how she can stop loving me in such a short period of time.

    I wake up every morning and think of her. I just want to make her happy and show her that I have grown up and I can be the man she wants me to be. I am following this advice, but know that after a month I will attempt to contact her and rectify the situation. She is the love of my life and I know deep down that we are meant to be together.

  24. Farmer Dan April 24, 2012 at 7:00 pm #

    Me and my girl friend of 4 years broke up yesterday. It feels like I have been living in a twilight, it just does not feel real. I have no idea what to do or how to deal with it. We both still love each other like crazy but we felt that this was the best decision due to our lifestyles. I would have gladly changed my lifestyle and done anything for her but it just was not working. We both know that, she is an amazing girl with a bright future, it is just a future that I thought I was going to be apart of. We are both in college so the distractions are there, they just don’t seem to matter, I dream about it, I think about it when I am in class, studying and just about all the time. I think she wants to get back together but I know that’s not the best idea concerning the circumstances and the amplitude of the breakup. It just really really sucks, I thought she was the one. There is a hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I want the feeling to go away.

    • Randy August 23, 2013 at 4:11 pm #

      After reading your post it lets me know that things don’t really change that much as you grow older, love is the same no matter what age you are and the heart ach is the same. I am a 50 yr old guy and my girlfriend of the last 5 yrs broke up with me a month ago. I feel the same way that you say you are feeling, it’s hard to believe every morning when I wake up that it’s really over. I have been divorced once and am a widower from the second and I have been thru some heart ach in my time but this is different for some reason. I have cut off all contact on my part with her and she of course has not attempted to call me, except for to thank me for a small gift I sent her in the mail. I know that my sending her something in the mail was counter productive to my progress in getting over this because I know it had an alternate motive. I guess the only thing to do in a situation like this is to try and move on as best you can and realize that we are all the masters of our own destiny. I can assure you as a young man that you will find another woman that will make you feel even better than she did. It may take some time, but use the time you have alone to make your self a better man. Heart break is a hard thing to deal with, but you are worth the effort you put into it and remember that no one else can define who you are, that is your job. The woman is not responsible for your happiness you are. Good luck and remember forgiving yourself and her for the break up will bring you a better feeling in the long run.

  25. Jennifer April 17, 2012 at 5:39 am #

    My husband and myself have decided to break up. We have a child, he is nearly 2 years old. I remember the day I met him and the instant romantic connection we had, we were attached to the hip. It turned very sour, a few people had warned me. He bacame obsessive, he has a violent temper and even hit me once. We would argue and he would throw things, kick my sons toys infront of him. I know that i deserve better, but it was not all that bad, once week it was great and the next week it was terrible. My son is 22 months now and i have moved back and fourt about 20 times, all becasue he kicks me out and then a few days later, he is sorry. My heart is shattered and i am so scare of being alone being a single parent and im so scared of him moveing on, He smses me daily and tells me how much he loves me and also says that we cant be together because of what we bring out in eachother. This is the second day and i am so heart sore, I feel like such a failure. He says that its all my fault because i am the only person that can bring ‘the bad side’ out of him. Please help me to move on….

  26. L April 11, 2012 at 10:35 am #

    I am the all-time village idiot! Fell head over heels in love with a guy in 1973 and we lived together for 3 years. Found out he was cheating on me so I left him in 1976 which was the hardest thing I had ever done. Couldn’t eat or sleep but I finally moved on….from one husband to another (4 of them in all) trying to find someone like him. Had a chance encounter with him last year and found myself falling for him all over again. He was getting over a broken heart himself but I still nursed that hope we could get back together but I don’t think he is interested. Was planning to get a divorce after 20 years and try to get him back but have finally come to my senses. Have come to the conclusion that I will always love him but can’t allow my heart to overrule my head. Wish I had been able to get over him all those years ago but it never happened but I am cutting off communication with him again. I am older and hopefully wiser now and have tools at my disposal to help me this time around, like all you guys out there with ideas and suggestions.

  27. Sarah April 5, 2012 at 2:00 am #

    I had been with my bf for 5 years, we were in stormy waters but I never thought it would come to how it is today. 1 month ago he moved out, told me he no longer loved me and is so much happier living without me. I was gutted, the pain I feel I cant describe and the emptiness is unbearable at times. I thought he was the one I would grow old with. I hold onto hope I still believe we have something there and hope and pray that he will knock on the door and want me back in his life. I read how most people cut off contact Im trying to do this I am down to only replying to his text which is usually one per day, and part of me thinks is he just dangling me on a piece of string in case things are not greener on the other side. My friends and family have all said delete him from your life – Im not ready to do that yet. For the majority of our relationship he was in a low income job in the past year this changed he is earning good money and I foolishly continued to pay majority of the bills while he cleared his debts, he now has a substantial amount of money in the bank, debt free and now living it up with his mates every weekend. My heart is broken and I am also feeling a little used as he knew my financial circumstances had taken a nose dive, he left no money for incoming expenses I have been left with it all. He has moved out, is enjoying the company of other women buying them drinks etc and has told me he does not miss me at all. In typing this I can see all the wrong, he told me I never did enough for him but the cooking, cleaning, shopping, bills etc was always done I was very rarely taken out for tea as he was saving for our future!! Why is it that I still love this man with my heart and soul and i honestly feel that if you asked me in 5 years how I felt about him the answer would be the same. Yes we all hear time heals, heal yourself bla bla bla how come he can move on so fast and not look back, why cant I. I just want the pain to stop, to wake up and not think of him or to go 5 minutes without him entering my mind.

  28. Rachel April 3, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

    Hi Sasha, I know how you feel. I am going through a breakup myself and it isn’t easy. He wants an “open relationship” with someone else who he thinks he is “more compatible” with. I expect monogamy for one, and he also isn’t sure I am “the one” anyway because he says he is looking for a different connection or a different “type of energy,” than me. I feel very inadequate, boring, unattractive and unworthy right now because of this. He says all these things about how much he cares for me and wants to be my friend, but he wants someone else. Well, I guess now he is starting to see someone else who he thinks he is more compatible with. I remember when he was all about me and all in love with me, but that was months ago. It’s hard to complete with someone new and interesting that he might be infatuated with. I am tired of competing for his love and trying to get him to be with me. It’s pointless. I can’t make him love me or want me if he is dead set on something else… And I can’t sit around hoping either that he’ll change he mind. I just have to move on and get on and have faith that someday the pain will go away…

    Keep the faith!

  29. Sasha March 30, 2012 at 12:42 pm #

    I know all too well what all of you are going through. My ex and I have been together for 4 years, he is the love of my life, we started having problems as early as a year into the relationship but the love I have for him made me stay. I really wish I had ended it earlier. I’m in my early 20s and he’s much older than me and has so much more experience, he used his promises to change, charisma and charm to win me over every time I told I wanted to end it. I really thought he loved me but looking back, I don’t know if it is my age, looks, the sex or the trophy mentality that he loved, I know it was not me. I broke up with him this afternoon via phone call, I even lied and said I met someone else because I don’t want him to pursue me or sweet talk me the way he usually does, he sounded more annoyed and upset than hurt, but that’s his attitude the fact that I mentioned someone else really makes him mad, he muttered some stuff that I couldn’t make out and he hung up on me. I couldn’t stop crying earlier but I have suddenly felt a sense of calm come over me, its mixed with sadness and relief. I have been planning on ending this unhappy relationship for many weeks now but could not get the courage to do it, hoping he would actually be the man he pretended to be all those years ago when we first met but I knew deep down that he loved no one but himself therefore he would not try to be a better man. I have broken up with him before but I taken him back this time around I really mean it, this relationship is beyond unhealthy. I was even prescribed Paxil a few months ago because of the inner turmoil I felt because of him, I would break down crying on the street, in my doctor’s office, in the shower any where at all. I could never prove he was cheating but I felt it and his attitude confirmed it. My ex has never abused me but the way he made me feel at times it would probably hurt less if he was hitting me. I’m sorry to be rambling on but I just need someone to vent to, I can’t talk to my friends or family about it because I’ve taken him back in the past even though they beg me to leave this destructive relationship, I’m sure they won’t believe me if I tell them that its over for good. I intended to use these steps to get over him and not make the same mistakes I did in the past by taking him back. Good luck everyone, we deserve better and should not settle for less.

  30. Shannon March 22, 2012 at 7:04 pm #

    My boyfriend and I broke up after I found out that he was actually married. Turns out that he had been cheating on his wife and me. I spent a year with him. My love for him was intense. I feel like a fool and my heart aches. The pain is physical. I barely sleep at night. My mind is filled with thoughts of him. It hurts to know that someone I trusted so much lied to me on a daily basis and betrayed me. He stopped contacting me as soon as I confronted him about his lies. He didnt have the decency to apologize or be honest with him- such a coward!

    Its been painful but I have begun to realize the good person that I am. I try to focus on accomplishing little goals during the day. It is often hard to focus on tasks at hand but with a little bit of support and encouragement from friends, family and forums ( like these), I am trying to slowly pull myself back together. This is to say that there is hope. Believing in oneself is very important.

  31. Juliet March 22, 2012 at 5:39 am #

    My and my bf of two years broke up yesterday he cheated on me the whole relationship I’m honestly crushed and have no idea how to stop myself from thinkin dreaming and crying about him I just wanted to move on with my life be happy and have that family I always wanted now I feel so depressed I cry all the time and I feel like I’m so alone

  32. Rosarie March 20, 2012 at 10:37 pm #

    Oh my God, Last Friday my then boyfriend came over to my house. I got into his car and cruised around my neighborhood. Then he parked his car across the street from my house. I opened up the passenger door of his car as I got out. I accidentally hit the car door against a fat root of a tree cause I didnt see the root there. The door made a loud bang and then my ex boyfriend started arguing with me. I told him that I was sorry and that I didnt do it on purpose. So he broke up with me over that little incident. I honestly think that he just put that car door thing as an excuse to dump me. Damn, Im so torn appart.

  33. Susan March 20, 2012 at 12:35 am #

    It’s sad yet oddly comforting to read these stories. Every time my phone rings and it’s not my ex, my heart breaks a little bit. I was considering changing my phone number to just eliminate that trigger…is that crazy? We were not big emailers, so I don’t have the same expectatons or dissapointment connected to email…

  34. dan March 12, 2012 at 9:54 am #

    It is very difficult for some of us too do this. It is important to remember that continued contact will only drag out the pain and suffering. I am going through this right now, I wish I would have terminated communication earlier.

  35. Sharon March 11, 2012 at 11:30 pm #

    Other people do go through it. I am also experiencing it myself and am struggling. I fell in love, opened my heart and let someone in. They have been telling me they love me and I’m the woman for them but I have just found out he still seeing and has women on the side. It seems one is not enough for him. I really thought he was the man for me. I feel such a fool and I am now totally heart broken. What makes someone play with peoples hearts like that. It seems that his other women knew about me but I did not know about them. I’m going to take Brad’s advice and get out and do things to take my mind and my broken heart away from all of this.

  36. Hanna March 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm #

    My ex boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago, it was a very bad break up with broken glass and all. I found that he was cheating on me and also going back to the ex before me on a weekend basis when I thought we was working. He begged be to not throw him out and as it turned out he had no where to go, he lost his job the ex he was messing with and me in a matter of 4 days. He blamed me for everything he loss and told me he hated me. All I wanted to do was hurt him like he hurt me, well was it turns out he doesn’t give a dam if I’m hurting or the fact that he broke my heart, he is already with someone else. I am trying very hard to find ways to keep hating him but some days I remember the good times and it hurts. I know I well get over this I just hope its sooner then later.

  37. anthea March 5, 2012 at 10:54 am #

    My ex broke up with me a week ago, we were together for approx 15 months. The long and short of it is I have a nuisance ex, I’m a single mum, I work full time with very little family support. I rely on my mum who has her own issues. He is a young divorcee with no children. The love between us is immense, but he says he can’t cope with my situation.There was contact the first couple of days after, but there has been no contact since. I got a text message from him today, he wanted to let me know he wasn’t ignoring me and hoped I was well. He called me babe. He’s not one to call everyone babe and the last couple of weeks it rarely popped up in his messages to me. I really want to reply. But I won’t, not just yet anyway. I’ve been reading a lot of these how to get my ex back and they all make a point of no contact for at least a month. I’m not one for mind games, but is that what I have to do to have a chance in getting back with him. At the time he broke it off he sounded like he had made a firm decision but the last time we were in contact he said he needs time to think. I don’t know what to think.

  38. brad March 3, 2012 at 5:46 am #

    Everyone heals from a broken heart at a different pace. I too am going through a badly broken heart. I have done some online hypnotherapy that seems to be working. Working out, taking dance lessons, and some other classes has really helped me take my mind off of it. I think interactive stuff where the goal is to have fun is very important, hence the dance lessons. I know it sometimes even hurts to breath, you have to give time, time. My life and my business has suffered dramatically, but I am now seeing the sun again.. Get up each day with a purpose, some days will be better than others. My rational, is that I am going to grow and improve myself, while my ex will reamain stagnate and alone. Good luck and remember, there are many of us going through the same thing.

  39. V February 28, 2012 at 7:18 pm #

    Me and my ex broke up about a month back and now he is happily dating someone new since the day we broke up. We have been together for 3 years and we even had a business together(I have left the business).
    The girl has been taking care of him and cooking for him daily. I think he had something on with her before the break up already. He has been posting statuses about how much he appreciates her and loves her and putting it for the public to see(I’m not his friend and his statuses are usually private)
    How can someone move on so fast? Feel so hurt and broken!

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