Breaking Up is a No Contact Sport: 8 Ways To Help You Go Cold Turkey

idletimeAre you as sad as our pooch?

From 35 emails, 18 texts, 9 calls, 5 voicemails and daily visits to NOTHING? Is that what we’re asking you to do – cut off all contact with your ex? It’s actually not sad, because the thought of not seeing or speaking to your ex is so painful that it almost seems like a joke. Yet, no one is laughing. You know what else isn’t funny? Refreshing your email 100 times a day and checking every other man made mobile device waiting for a beacon of hope. It’s exhausting. Well, it’s time to make a change. You can stop contacting your ex and start healing. You can. You will. We will help.

First, let’s look at the problem. You can last a few days with no contact riding off some anger and the encouragement of friends, but then it happens. You are alone with your blackberry, watching tv and you see a commercial you both loved…

You stare at your phone and the most urgent reason to call him manifests: I still have his favorite socks. I wouldn’t want him going to the gym and run on the treadmill without socks. I think I heard on Good Morning America that running sockless is linked to a toe infection epidemic. Yes, that’s right, that’s what they said. This is definitely an emergency. I should definitely call him.

Others decide it’s time to will the phone to ring or vibe with a new text. Yes, I will stare at the phone and use my telepathic powers to make her contact me. Wait! Maybe there is something wrong with the phone. I should make an outgoing call to make sure. Oh, okay, it works. Wait! In the three seconds I was dialing, maybe she called and got thrown into voicemail and thought I ignored her call. Okay, I should definitely call her.

If you want to contact your ex, you will find a reason. Likewise, if they want to contact you, no reason in the world would keep it from happening. It is up to you to cut the contact. Does it make you feel better to get a message from your ex? Sure. Does it get you through the night to send a little text and hear something back? Perhaps. However, in the end, you don’t get what you want from them and the contact makes you feel worse. Your greater goal is to get over this heartache and contact is not moving you towards this goal. Every contact is just delaying the healing process.

Here are 8 Ways to Help you go Cold Turkey!

1.    Take Care of Business – Get a box and pack up keys, clothes, kids (ok, not the kids), but all other items he or she will want back. Ship them to your ex.

2.    Identify your Weak Points - When do you want to call or contact the person most? Think about it. Ready? Ok, write it down. Now be conscious of your weak points and when you hit one, use #3 to combat your temptation to make contact.

3.    Create an Arsenal of Distractions – Make a list of things that you can do instead of contacting your ex.  (i.e. Calling a friend, going outside, taking a shower etc.) Use these when something in #2 creeps up.

4.    Find your 3 Doosies – Write down your three biggest reasons for not contacting your ex. One might be because I always feel worse after I hang up the phone. Put them on post-its and stick them next to every electronic device you have.

5.    Quit Online Stalking – Make it stop. Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, Gchat etc. Develop new online habits.

6.    Fancy Not Meeting You Here – Don’t frequent the places you used to frequent together. This one is kind of a Duh! If you are intentionally going to places you think you will run into your ex, stick one of the post-its from #4 on your head.

7.    Back away from the Blackberry – Put the phone in another room at night. When you are out having a drink, hand the phone to your friends to reduce temptation. Vow to only check it 1-2x per day.

8.    At a Minimum, Try This – If this is too much to bear, we get it. This is the slower route, but it will eventually get you into the fast track. Try cutting out one form of communication per week. First calls, then emails, then texts, you get the picture.

Need more help healing from a broken heart? Start by taking our broken heart survey to find out what type of broken heart you have and steps to heal.

268 Responses to “Breaking Up is a No Contact Sport: 8 Ways To Help You Go Cold Turkey”

  1. Aurora November 24, 2014 at 9:41 am #

    The quick version:

    We met online, got on like a house on fire. Met, dated for 2 weeks then decided we were together.

    He has 3 children in another country (I knew this going into the relationship).

    A few weeks into our relationship he went home to see them for a week and changed when he got back. He wasn’t messaging as much anymore and I could tell something was wrong.

    He told me his ex was making him feel guilty about being away from their children. Their relationship had been over for a while but after she had heard he was seeing someone else, she started making him feel guilty.

    He broke up with me saying he just wanted to be friends because he wasn’t sure and didn’t want to muck me around. It hurt.
    Well we kept messaging every day and caught up once a week. There was still the physical side of things going on as well.

    I’ve never met someone who I can be my whole self with and I know he feels the same way. He doesn’t want to get back with his ex but feels really guilty that he lives away from them, I know we both feel the same way about each other, but he’s torn and confused ‘messed up’ in his words.

    We are each others best friends.

    The fact that he couldn’t commit started eating at me and he’s had his mind overloaded by the guilt and need to be there for his kids and his feelings for me. Add to that his ex keeps messaging.

    I trust him completely, and don’t have anything negative to say about him. The ONLY thing keeping us apart is he feels we can’t be together because of the children.

    Because we tried being friends and that didn’t work because I still want more and he doesn’t know what he wants I decided we should go cold turkey on the contact front.

    Day 1 in and I am struggling really bad. I don’t have low self esteem from this, I just miss him terribly and have no idea what to do. I’ve enlisted a friend as a sponsor (much like AA) but when he is on my mind all day every day and everything makes me think of him and there were no negatives in our relationship what am I meant to do? We shared music, food, laughs and everything. HELP?!?!

  2. Sally October 9, 2014 at 1:42 am #

    Ok so rationally I completely get that this is a no contact ‘sport’ … however I went from having the most attentive b/f to NOTHING!! Less than 48 hrs before he dumped me he was telling me how I’m the most important thing in his world and how he will be “very careful with me” emotionally / mentally / physically!!! I get that he is probably a narcissistic b-stard and doesn’t feel anything … but things catch me unawares … like my completely rational brain will go : “but what about ….” etc

    I’m just moving out of positive denial to now working at staying out of feeling like a dummy for not realising anything was up and going from having a relationship with mind blowing sex and constant contact to nothing, nada, zilch, zero, zicaleadies ….

    ouch!

    Funny things is that I did ask the universe to help me deal with this issue I feel I have with “indignation” and WOW – what a duzie!! I do feel so freaking indignant … like how DARE he treat me like that … but *shrug* he did / he has / he is.

    ouch!

    This is tough as a teenager – it is tougher at 50.

    Thanks for reading.

  3. Pamela June 14, 2014 at 6:17 pm #

    I am 34 and have a 3 year old son to a previous relationship he has no contact with his father (fathers choice). I met mike 2.5 years ago when my son was one. At first our relationship was good he stayed every night for about 6 months, I got pregnant and he had finished with me when I told him I was pregnant he wanted to try again I had a miscarriage. Our relationship was up and down like most and sometimes I got so fed up one day I said I was leaving him we didn’t live together but I was at his and he begged me not to go he loved me needed me and would stop being so funny with me, I gave in and stayed our relationship was up an down really due to him moody tired, I was told if my friend she thought he had aspergers never wanted to commit sometimes he looked so sad. But did say he did want a future with me and loved me. I again discover I was pregnant he firstly said we woul get a house, within 12 hours he changed, he finished with me didn’t want anything to do with me wanted me to have a termination I am so gutted I love him so much and wanted to work it out. At first I was crying talking texting he would say the same he doesn’t want me my son or this baby. He wants to have fun see the world play the field. I haven’t spoke to him in 2 days I have no idea what I am going to do about this little baby inside of me. I have never felt so low in all my life. Please help

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