Breaking Up is a No Contact Sport: 8 Ways To Help You Go Cold Turkey

idletimeAre you as sad as our pooch?

From 35 emails, 18 texts, 9 calls, 5 voicemails and daily visits to NOTHING? Is that what we’re asking you to do – cut off all contact with your ex? It’s actually not sad, because the thought of not seeing or speaking to your ex is so painful that it almost seems like a joke. Yet, no one is laughing. You know what else isn’t funny? Refreshing your email 100 times a day and checking every other man made mobile device waiting for a beacon of hope. It’s exhausting. Well, it’s time to make a change. You can stop contacting your ex and start healing. You can. You will. We will help.

First, let’s look at the problem. You can last a few days with no contact riding off some anger and the encouragement of friends, but then it happens. You are alone with your blackberry, watching tv and you see a commercial you both loved…

You stare at your phone and the most urgent reason to call him manifests: I still have his favorite socks. I wouldn’t want him going to the gym and run on the treadmill without socks. I think I heard on Good Morning America that running sockless is linked to a toe infection epidemic. Yes, that’s right, that’s what they said. This is definitely an emergency. I should definitely call him.

Others decide it’s time to will the phone to ring or vibe with a new text. Yes, I will stare at the phone and use my telepathic powers to make her contact me. Wait! Maybe there is something wrong with the phone. I should make an outgoing call to make sure. Oh, okay, it works. Wait! In the three seconds I was dialing, maybe she called and got thrown into voicemail and thought I ignored her call. Okay, I should definitely call her.

If you want to contact your ex, you will find a reason. Likewise, if they want to contact you, no reason in the world would keep it from happening. It is up to you to cut the contact. Does it make you feel better to get a message from your ex? Sure. Does it get you through the night to send a little text and hear something back? Perhaps. However, in the end, you don’t get what you want from them and the contact makes you feel worse. Your greater goal is to get over this heartache and contact is not moving you towards this goal. Every contact is just delaying the healing process.

Here are 8 Ways to Help you go Cold Turkey!

1.    Take Care of Business – Get a box and pack up keys, clothes, kids (ok, not the kids), but all other items he or she will want back. Ship them to your ex.

2.    Identify your Weak Points – When do you want to call or contact the person most? Think about it. Ready? Ok, write it down. Now be conscious of your weak points and when you hit one, use #3 to combat your temptation to make contact.

3.    Create an Arsenal of Distractions – Make a list of things that you can do instead of contacting your ex.  (i.e. Calling a friend, going outside, taking a shower etc.) Use these when something in #2 creeps up.

4.    Find your 3 Doosies – Write down your three biggest reasons for not contacting your ex. One might be because I always feel worse after I hang up the phone. Put them on post-its and stick them next to every electronic device you have.

5.    Quit Online Stalking – Make it stop. Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, Gchat etc. Develop new online habits.

6.    Fancy Not Meeting You Here – Don’t frequent the places you used to frequent together. This one is kind of a Duh! If you are intentionally going to places you think you will run into your ex, stick one of the post-its from #4 on your head.

7.    Back away from the Blackberry – Put the phone in another room at night. When you are out having a drink, hand the phone to your friends to reduce temptation. Vow to only check it 1-2x per day.

8.    At a Minimum, Try This – If this is too much to bear, we get it. This is the slower route, but it will eventually get you into the fast track. Try cutting out one form of communication per week. First calls, then emails, then texts, you get the picture.

Need more help healing from a broken heart? Start by taking our broken heart survey to find out what type of broken heart you have and steps to heal.

271 Responses to “Breaking Up is a No Contact Sport: 8 Ways To Help You Go Cold Turkey”

  1. kaya50 January 7, 2016 at 6:18 pm #

    I broke off all contact with my ex husband after a 20 years marriage. He cheated with a co worker and I filed for divorce and never talked to him again. That was 3 years ago. Best decision I ever made. It allowed me to heal, to return to a peaceful, happy life. It mights sound harsh, but I think that going no contact is the only solution after a break up. I never asked for this 3rd person to enter my marriage. My silence is my closure, my ending on my terms. It gives me power, control and sanity. I will never talk to him again in my life.

  2. Aurora November 24, 2014 at 9:41 am #

    The quick version:

    We met online, got on like a house on fire. Met, dated for 2 weeks then decided we were together.

    He has 3 children in another country (I knew this going into the relationship).

    A few weeks into our relationship he went home to see them for a week and changed when he got back. He wasn’t messaging as much anymore and I could tell something was wrong.

    He told me his ex was making him feel guilty about being away from their children. Their relationship had been over for a while but after she had heard he was seeing someone else, she started making him feel guilty.

    He broke up with me saying he just wanted to be friends because he wasn’t sure and didn’t want to muck me around. It hurt.
    Well we kept messaging every day and caught up once a week. There was still the physical side of things going on as well.

    I’ve never met someone who I can be my whole self with and I know he feels the same way. He doesn’t want to get back with his ex but feels really guilty that he lives away from them, I know we both feel the same way about each other, but he’s torn and confused ‘messed up’ in his words.

    We are each others best friends.

    The fact that he couldn’t commit started eating at me and he’s had his mind overloaded by the guilt and need to be there for his kids and his feelings for me. Add to that his ex keeps messaging.

    I trust him completely, and don’t have anything negative to say about him. The ONLY thing keeping us apart is he feels we can’t be together because of the children.

    Because we tried being friends and that didn’t work because I still want more and he doesn’t know what he wants I decided we should go cold turkey on the contact front.

    Day 1 in and I am struggling really bad. I don’t have low self esteem from this, I just miss him terribly and have no idea what to do. I’ve enlisted a friend as a sponsor (much like AA) but when he is on my mind all day every day and everything makes me think of him and there were no negatives in our relationship what am I meant to do? We shared music, food, laughs and everything. HELP?!?!

  3. Sally October 9, 2014 at 1:42 am #

    Ok so rationally I completely get that this is a no contact ‘sport’ … however I went from having the most attentive b/f to NOTHING!! Less than 48 hrs before he dumped me he was telling me how I’m the most important thing in his world and how he will be “very careful with me” emotionally / mentally / physically!!! I get that he is probably a narcissistic b-stard and doesn’t feel anything … but things catch me unawares … like my completely rational brain will go : “but what about ….” etc

    I’m just moving out of positive denial to now working at staying out of feeling like a dummy for not realising anything was up and going from having a relationship with mind blowing sex and constant contact to nothing, nada, zilch, zero, zicaleadies ….

    ouch!

    Funny things is that I did ask the universe to help me deal with this issue I feel I have with “indignation” and WOW – what a duzie!! I do feel so freaking indignant … like how DARE he treat me like that … but *shrug* he did / he has / he is.

    ouch!

    This is tough as a teenager – it is tougher at 50.

    Thanks for reading.

    • Lopez February 15, 2016 at 5:47 pm #

      Hey Sally,I know how you feel.My girlfriend went from my world to nothing.we dated for 9 months and it was great.but later she started talking to other guys and she broke up with me.Thoses jerks made my ex girlfriend to break up with me,but she hasn’t dated them.we are long distance relationship.she asked me to “be friends ” and I ask her why she broke up with me,and she gives me lame reasons.Im still hurt and I love her to death.I asked her for a second chance,but she said “I don’t dated exes” which it hurt me.I don’t know why she did this to me.I understand you’re pain,and how you feel.

  4. Pamela June 14, 2014 at 6:17 pm #

    I am 34 and have a 3 year old son to a previous relationship he has no contact with his father (fathers choice). I met mike 2.5 years ago when my son was one. At first our relationship was good he stayed every night for about 6 months, I got pregnant and he had finished with me when I told him I was pregnant he wanted to try again I had a miscarriage. Our relationship was up and down like most and sometimes I got so fed up one day I said I was leaving him we didn’t live together but I was at his and he begged me not to go he loved me needed me and would stop being so funny with me, I gave in and stayed our relationship was up an down really due to him moody tired, I was told if my friend she thought he had aspergers never wanted to commit sometimes he looked so sad. But did say he did want a future with me and loved me. I again discover I was pregnant he firstly said we woul get a house, within 12 hours he changed, he finished with me didn’t want anything to do with me wanted me to have a termination I am so gutted I love him so much and wanted to work it out. At first I was crying talking texting he would say the same he doesn’t want me my son or this baby. He wants to have fun see the world play the field. I haven’t spoke to him in 2 days I have no idea what I am going to do about this little baby inside of me. I have never felt so low in all my life. Please help

    • Sandra August 30, 2016 at 7:56 pm #

      Hi Pamela…I just read your comment, and it is really sad the situation you got in. I know it was in 2014 you wrote this, but I really hope are doing well, happy and things are working much better for you. I haven’t been there where you are, i’m 29 single, no kids…and it’s so hard to meet decent, genuine, and down to earth guy…especially in crazy city as New York. But I met this guy, that I dated for about 7 months. He is surgeon, I have strong feeling toward him. But all of the sudden he does not contact me, does not pick my phone, does not respond my text. And I cried…saying to myself that I didn’t even earn an honest explanation from him. My point is, maybe it happens for a reason that life takes away these “bastards” from our lives. Because they don’t deserve to be in our lives and they don’t deserve to be in true relationship. Maybe what happened to you, the best thing came out of this relationship is your baby…and maybe it’s for the best that this man is not in your life.

      Please never feel so low about yourself, reading your post I think you are very brave person that you carrying your life by supporting your kids. You are truly amazing person and you deserve way better than ending up spending your life with asshole “asshole” like him!

      All the best to you and your kids

  5. Jen June 10, 2014 at 4:56 am #

    My lessons were heart wrenching but all my fault. I fell head over heels in love with a man named Mike. We had met 14 years ago when I was younger, he was a little older and married. I knew immediately he was someone I could give my heart to. That fact never scared me as did any kind of commitment. What I feared was the pain that would befall me if I did let myself fall in love and the relationship didn’t work. His marriage was troubled long before meeting me and at the time we met he and his wife were separating. I feared being his rebound, being used. Despite what I felt for him, I let him go believing in fate and hoping that someday if we were in fact meant to have a story together that it would unfold in it’s time. Through the years that passed I never forgot him. I had put myself through nursing school, worked many hours and hardly dated, spending all of my twenties putting in 60 hour work weeks. At age 33 I was diagnosed with MS. My health is fine and the disease controlled well for now, thankfully, however that diagnosis made me look at life differently. I know I can live a long healthy life with this, it is not a death sentence, but I suddenly regretted not taking more chances in life, not putting my heart out there more even if it risked heartbreak. I looked him up and when we spoke it was as if no time had passed at all and every flood of emotion felt brand new. It didn’t take long for me to fall completely in love. The kind of love that changes you, makes you want to be a better person. There was no distance too far or trouble too great to keep us apart. In fact, it was almost effortless as if the road and opportunities happened just for us. Until he was back in my life, I was unaware of all I’d been missing. His love was like coming home. Peaceful. Blissful. He had always said he didn’t feel good enough for me but as heaven above is my witness, he was everything I ever wanted. I’ve never cared much for money, material things. The love I felt for him and the love I could feel he had for me, was my own dream come true. We parted ways for reasons that I won’t fully disclose, partly distance and a feeling of being taken for granted and one gap we just couldn’t bridge once broken, trust. In retrospect I wish I’d been more forgiving to little white lies but once he stated that he had been with someone else while we were together, it absolutely shattered my heart. I felt self concouise and unattractive. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to keep the love of my life from straying. Before that, I felt like something, someone precious to him. After that, I felt like just another woman to him. We stayed together for awhile as I still very much loved him. It could have worked. I was wiling to trust again if he could prove his trustworthiness. I had forgiven him. All I needed from him was that feeling of irreplaceable love again and we could’ve made it. I didn’t need money, time, material things. I just needed HIM. He would tell me over and over of his love for me but his actions spoke of something different. Of course the story ends by us parting or I wouldnt be writing on here. I can relate to everyone’s pain. When we parted we had stayed in contact via email sporadically. Eventually no contact. Nothing in this world hurts more than giving your heart to someone and having it handed back to you shattered. I spent just about a year crying at least daily, checking my phone multiple times a day. I grieved the loss of what we had like a death. One minute angry, the next in denial, the other, sad. I flooded him with a gazillion unanswered emails. My self esteem took
    a nosedive. But eventually it came… forgiveness. True forgiveness. In my heart I forgave him for the unraveling of what we had. I forgave him even for the unanswered email. And I also forgave myself cause I did certainly have a role in the demise of what we had, I will never deny that. I became an untrusting, nagging witch and I will always regret that. But one thing I will NEVER regret… is having taken the chance and giving him my heart, calling him, looking him up. I don’t regret a single moment in our story, just the ending. I’d rewrite it if I could. I will always love him. He’ll forever hold a place in my heart and be the love of my life. And, I’ll never lose hope that someday, maybe… just maybe. But in the meantime, life is for living, your lips are for smiling…and your heart is for giving love. Which I will continue to do.

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