Breaking Up is a No Contact Sport: 8 Ways To Help You Go Cold Turkey

idletimeAre you as sad as our pooch?

From 35 emails, 18 texts, 9 calls, 5 voicemails and daily visits to NOTHING? Is that what we’re asking you to do – cut off all contact with your ex? It’s actually not sad, because the thought of not seeing or speaking to your ex is so painful that it almost seems like a joke. Yet, no one is laughing. You know what else isn’t funny? Refreshing your email 100 times a day and checking every other man made mobile device waiting for a beacon of hope. It’s exhausting. Well, it’s time to make a change. You can stop contacting your ex and start healing. You can. You will. We will help.

First, let’s look at the problem. You can last a few days with no contact riding off some anger and the encouragement of friends, but then it happens. You are alone with your blackberry, watching tv and you see a commercial you both loved…

You stare at your phone and the most urgent reason to call him manifests: I still have his favorite socks. I wouldn’t want him going to the gym and run on the treadmill without socks. I think I heard on Good Morning America that running sockless is linked to a toe infection epidemic. Yes, that’s right, that’s what they said. This is definitely an emergency. I should definitely call him.

Others decide it’s time to will the phone to ring or vibe with a new text. Yes, I will stare at the phone and use my telepathic powers to make her contact me. Wait! Maybe there is something wrong with the phone. I should make an outgoing call to make sure. Oh, okay, it works. Wait! In the three seconds I was dialing, maybe she called and got thrown into voicemail and thought I ignored her call. Okay, I should definitely call her.

If you want to contact your ex, you will find a reason. Likewise, if they want to contact you, no reason in the world would keep it from happening. It is up to you to cut the contact. Does it make you feel better to get a message from your ex? Sure. Does it get you through the night to send a little text and hear something back? Perhaps. However, in the end, you don’t get what you want from them and the contact makes you feel worse. Your greater goal is to get over this heartache and contact is not moving you towards this goal. Every contact is just delaying the healing process.

Here are 8 Ways to Help you go Cold Turkey!

1.    Take Care of Business – Get a box and pack up keys, clothes, kids (ok, not the kids), but all other items he or she will want back. Ship them to your ex.

2.    Identify your Weak Points - When do you want to call or contact the person most? Think about it. Ready? Ok, write it down. Now be conscious of your weak points and when you hit one, use #3 to combat your temptation to make contact.

3.    Create an Arsenal of Distractions – Make a list of things that you can do instead of contacting your ex.  (i.e. Calling a friend, going outside, taking a shower etc.) Use these when something in #2 creeps up.

4.    Find your 3 Doosies – Write down your three biggest reasons for not contacting your ex. One might be because I always feel worse after I hang up the phone. Put them on post-its and stick them next to every electronic device you have.

5.    Quit Online Stalking – Make it stop. Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, Gchat etc. Develop new online habits.

6.    Fancy Not Meeting You Here – Don’t frequent the places you used to frequent together. This one is kind of a Duh! If you are intentionally going to places you think you will run into your ex, stick one of the post-its from #4 on your head.

7.    Back away from the Blackberry – Put the phone in another room at night. When you are out having a drink, hand the phone to your friends to reduce temptation. Vow to only check it 1-2x per day.

8.    At a Minimum, Try This – If this is too much to bear, we get it. This is the slower route, but it will eventually get you into the fast track. Try cutting out one form of communication per week. First calls, then emails, then texts, you get the picture.

Need more help healing from a broken heart? Start by taking our broken heart survey to find out what type of broken heart you have and steps to heal.

268 Responses to “Breaking Up is a No Contact Sport: 8 Ways To Help You Go Cold Turkey”

  1. Rachel February 25, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

    It’s funny that most of these posts are about long-term relationships that have lasted for years and ended badly. But for me, my relationship only last a little over two months and ended over a week ago. I still feel heartbroken and so depressed because I felt like I really loved him. We connected so deeply, or at least I thought we did, and I even imagined us together for a long time. I know what you might be thinking, that how could I feel this strongly about someone I’ve only known two months? But it’s all relative. He broke up with me because he thinks there is someone better for him out there. I am so distraught and had tried to remain his friend by texting and emailing, until yesterday when I told him we couldn’t be friends because it just hurt too much. I also told him I miss him. I feel like I am not “good enough” for him, and that I will be so sad when he find “the one” who is somehow “better” than me. It’s hard not to take it personally because I have always been good to him and treated him well, and he has told me that he loves me, misses me, thinks I am wonderful, etc but that it’s not “what he wants.” I can’t figure out what it is I did wrong, or what made him change his mind. But now I am alone trying to figure out where to go from here. Yes, it’s a short-term romance, but it still hurts and sometimes it’s not about how long, but the moments you share with someone that matters. We were very close.

  2. feelingbroken February 25, 2012 at 5:50 am #

    My husband and I have been together for eight years. He was 19 and I was 33 when we started. I never wanted to date a younger man, but he was so persistent and sweet that I caved and fell in love. For the last eight months we had been trying to have another baby, sibling to our young daughter. Three weeks before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He looked at me, told me he hadn’t loved me in a year, and left. I was devastated, had a miscarriage a week later.
    Now its two months later, and he is living with the woman who apparently had been there since before all this happened. He and I have talked, more like argued, twice on the phone about what happened, and it sounded like he had regrets, that he didn’t love her and it wasn’t what I thought, etc. I started thinking that maybe we could talk and resolve things in time with therapy and all that… But I decided to believe his actions and not words, and I realized that its over. I am almost as devastated as I was two months ago. To try to explain to someone what rock bottom feels like and how it feels to float I perpetual miserable anxiety is impossible. I do still love him, but I know that he is a dishonest, immoral and cowardly man now, and that I am better off without him. It doesn’t make me feel any better, though. I feel so crushed, rejected, and afraid that I will never meet someone to love me as completely and fully as he once loved me. I am scared of being alone and never feeling that wonderful connection again. I want to love someone and be loved, and I want this never-ending pain that fills my heart to stop.

  3. Maz February 19, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

    Stories of heartbreak, we all have our own, but in the end it’s just that, feeling a great loss, maybe for the potential we saw with those we thought were our “soul mate”. I’m no different. Right now I’m waiting for the intermittent phonecalls to stop, when they used to be every day, when a txt came through if there wasnt a phonecall, when I never would have thought he could just cut me off, like everything we had said and done together meant nothing. I know he’s felt the hurt, I know he’s stiffled his emotions and so it’s probably easier for him to be cold, maybe, maybe not. But I feel cold, I feel hurt dissolving the euphoric feelings I had, from knowing, believing in what we had. What a waste. The old adage of “what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger” well that which can make us stronger, can also rob us of opening our heart as easily as we did once. It can be a vicious trade, not one I’m unfamiliar with, nor embracing just to get past this pain. I remember saying to him only weeks ago, “I dont want you to become someone I used to know” he said he didnt want that either. Now I find I’m playing that song by goyte on repeat, almost subliminal, convincing me, to make him someone I used to know, because right now, knowing him is hurting more than not knowing him. Cant move on, cant even look down another pathway, see the forest for the trees, when the memories of him are in the way. We are good enough, sometimes we’re too good.

  4. Don February 19, 2012 at 3:30 pm #

    Thank you all for sharing your incredible stories! You can’t imagine the hope and help you are to me. I feel ashamed and surprised to be here after 32 years of marriage to the only woman I ever wanted, the beautiful soul that I expected to spend my forever with. Building a wonderful career isn’t the same as building a forever future. My dear wife has fallen out of love and tomorrow I move out and I guess we will move on. I know we cannot be what we used to be and cannot have what we used to have…but I love her still and I always will…she will always be in my heart.

  5. B February 8, 2012 at 3:06 am #

    Hi everyone, thanks for sharing your stories. It has helped me, and in turn, I share my story. I met her last April, she did not live in my city and was visiting her cousin. It was instant attraction, strong passion, and very physical. She is 10 years younger, very beautiful, but also had a tragic past. She left me this December. Yes, there were red flags: from time to time, I noticed her ex would call her. She didn’t answer when I was around (she told me she left her ex when he married someone from his own race partly under pressure from his family, and she was crushed). Once the honeymoon period was over, I noticed she would start criticizing me, part of which I took as advice for self-improvement, part of which I thought was unfair and mean. It’s so strange, because I haven’t felt this depth of emotion since I was 18. There was so much she shared with me, her past, her problems, and I tried to be there for her. But in the end, she said we conflicted too much, and I could not handle her “complicated” personality, which is partly true, since I grew up far more sheltered than she. I am trying day by day, hour by hour, I have done the crazy emails night after night, but today, after reading this site and talking with a close friend, I feel a burden being lifted. The sadness is still there, but the longing and the heart-wrenching pain seems to have lifted a little. My mind knows it’s a matter of time, but my heart has to catch up. The hardest part is knowing that she has this goodness within her, after having such a tough life, she is still so sweet, not jaded, but at the same time, she has built up defense mechanisms to survive. That goodness, her kind heart, is what draws me to her. I wish her the best, and a life free from pain.

  6. Bubbles February 3, 2012 at 9:32 am #

    My boyfriend of 8 months finally broke up with me after he left for another country. At 1st, we both promised each other we’ll still be together no mater how distant we both were but after 2 weeks of constantly keeping in touch through text, online and skype, everything slowed down (on his side) and I was getting less and less messages from him and when we both finally talk it out, break up was the only option left. After the break up (it was a mutual one) we both agreed to keep in touch and he was actually nicer to me after the 1st 3 days. But then, back to square one and we slowly stop the contacting (again). Then came yesterday when I check his fb profile and saw all of our pictures deleted from his profile. Not ONE left.. not even the decent ones. It was really like a stab in the heart from a guy who used to be the only one who was always there for me no mater what and from the only person who always made me smile last time. In my face he didn’t wanna have anything to do with me anymore when last time I meant the world to him. and I also realized he mysteriously stop going online. Every night i’ll start to feel the loneliness because last time night was always the time we’ll spend together and suddenly no more.. I don’t know how to stop contact with him because I’m always stalking his profile and deleting him off my list never even cross my mind.. Because I did promise him I’ll always be there for him like he has always been there for me no mater what. Now I feel so lost and stuck and I don’t know what I should do. I know its stupid to be hanging on to someone who doesn’t feel the same way towards you anymore. But since this is a broken heart site, I do know you’ll all know how it actually feels.

  7. Lost January 31, 2012 at 7:12 pm #

    I was in a long distance relationship for a year and half but we were friends for 4 years. We saw each other often, usually every other week for a few days. We texted all day, talked on the phone for hours. She was just here visiting me a little over week ago and things were awesome; we were planning my move to be with her. I was seriously on cloud nine about her last week. She had mentioned her new friend she had been hanging out with but I didn’t think about it much. We talked on the phone on Monday and she told me how much she loved me and blah blah, on Tuesday I didn’t hear much from her so I thought she was just having a busy day. On Wednesday I didn’t hear from her, not on Thursday and not on Friday. On Saturday I was pretty much freaking out, she finally answered my phone call. She was very rude and told me she didn’t appreciate me calling her while she was sleeping, this was at 9am. I told her I was freaking out a little bit and needed to know what was going on. I asked if it had anything to do with her new friend, she wouldn’t confirm or deny it. She actually ended up hanging up on me and all I got was a lousy text hour’s later saying she doesn’t want this anymore and she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I’m seriously devastated right now; this has come out of nowhere. One day she can’t wait to be with me, to she never wants to talk to me again. I was going to quit my job, put my house up for rent and now I don’t even know what do with myself. She told me doesn’t want to hear from me so I have left her alone and I hope I can keep doing that. I know she is already seeing her new friend, I have heard it through people even though I don’t want to know. We were very healthy, we never fought, things we were really good. I don’t understand how someone can stop caring over night. Everyone keeps saying, well at least you didn’t live together for ten years or had kids together but that isn’t helping me. I haven’t stopped checking my phone, I keep thinking she will just show up here and tell me she is sorry.

  8. jack January 29, 2012 at 3:03 am #

    I can’t stop thinking about my ex. She was the love of my life.
    We were together for 4 months ,but was really intense.
    She told me she’d fallen for me and was thinking about me all the time. Introduced me to her mother. She even said she wanted kids with me.
    I stayed at her house quite a bit because she had a 9 month old daughter. She encouraged me to play with her and look after her, so I really bonded with her.
    I got invited to daughters christening and her family treated me like one of them and had me loooking after little girl. They said I was really good with her.
    Then after that day ex would always be too busy to see me ,wouldn’t answer her phone and only texted me for a month. She had just gone back to work ,so I had to respect her. Then she stopped texting back so I said I wouldn’t bother her any more.
    How can someone change their feelings so fast and not have enough respect to say what was wrong after I treated her so well.
    I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. Not spoke to her since, that was 4 months ago.

  9. Dylan January 26, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

    My heartbreak is still so fresh and tender. It’s only been about 3 weeks since my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another man. We’re both 18 and seniors in the same high school. We met in middle school and were casual friends until tenth grade. After her first boyfriend cheated on her and left her (He was a real jerk) I was there to comfort her. We didn’t jump into a relationship right away. We quickly became best friends and spent a lot of time together. That summer, late one night, we kissed. I fell head over heels for her that moment. I loved her so very much. We spent all our time together and never even fought. We were so happy. We spent our whole junior year happily in love. That summer the small fights began. Over stupid things, you know? Regardless, our love remained. The first half of our senior year went the same way. Little pointless arguments that we both always apologized for. As far as I knew, she loved me as much as I loved her. This month is all changed. She met some guy over winter break and decided that she liked him. She finally broke up with me, saying that she “needs her space” and that she “doesn’t feel the same about me anymore”. I was devastated. I contemplated suicide for days. Eventually I found out about the other guy through facebook and got her to confess. She seems to feel extremely guilty over having developed feelings for another guy. She even said she might still love me. I lost motivation in school and my grades are suffering. I realized that I do not want to die and am trying to motivate myself to live, but I just feel so HOLLOW and EMPTY. As if my purpose is gone.
    She wants to remain friends and if I go a long time without talking to her, she texts me and asks how I’m doing, usually saying that she feels lonely. I know that we’re young and she doesn’t want to commit to me out of fear of exclusion. I keep telling myself that if it’s meant to be then one day in the distant enough future, she will come back. I would die for her, but she is so confused about her life that I don’t think she understands whether or not this was a good idea.
    I just wish to have peace in my heart…what used to be ‘our’ heart.

  10. Archer January 24, 2012 at 7:59 am #

    I am glad to have noticed this page and obviously feeling so much better when i am not the only one spending my days in the dark without anyone there with me,not even my close friends.This ex of 3 years was my first love,i know he loved me so much and being so possesive over so many things(i was allowed to go out with friends,wasnt allowed to on FB,wasnt allowed to make friends with any other guys,wasnt allowed to talk with his friends and all) and i completely fine with it because i understand how it feels.I know he doesnt feel good by being a control freak as well so this isnt any big issue.This was half a year ago when he assumed and accused me with something i never do things started boiling inside me that i started to deflect my feelings and there was a big fight between us both.I initiated the break and he found another girl just in 3 days ( which later he told me it was just a revenge) i cried and begged him to back with me he ignored me call and he didnt seem care about me crying and begging for so many days.I told him it was my fault and wanted him back and at one point i was thinking i should actually accept who he is,a typical possesive man.I was mentally abused most of the time when he started to be so mean and so sarcastic to me,he always imagined me being with other guys and even talk with them in FB when i was spending all day working and studying.Eventually he came back to me and dumped that girl for few weeks.(I was kinda angry the childish way he acted,find a girl just for a revenge).And now i wasnt sure whats the reasons again he started to be so cool to me we havent contacted each for a week until i texted him a week ago,are we still in a relationship?He replied : Nope,and it was a month ago.I was devastated and i promised myself not to cry and beg anymore.We have been breaking for so many times within the 3 years and each breakup he would go find another girl and i wasnt sure it was bacause of revenge for him to feel better or he is just a typical playboy.He said he will love me forever and i will be his last i was once flattered with the words but now i doubt it.I never once been bad to him he never appreciated instead he assume me doing things betray him and accuse me and always pick a fight with me squabbling about my past(my past relationships before him).He said im a bitch and all when i did nothing.As i said.he always imagine false things and accuse me as if it really happens on me.I changed my number and wondering if he would text me or call me or if he would feel horrible when he could find me anymore,or maybe,he never intended to keep in touch with me anymore.I still hoping to receive his email each day but obviously i feel dissapointed almost everyday.I still miss him like hell….wondering if he still missing me…and why he never make the first move to contact me…..My first love..he promised to be with me forever….now everything is gone…hopes are gone…my life…is gone too….I cant stop missing him..its killing me…

  11. Racheal January 23, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

    Hi all,

    I dont know where to start with this so hear goes. I met my ex whilst he was in very unhappy relationship where he lived with a girl for 3 years, she became very lazy, overweight and never put any effort to seeing his family he had been unhappy and thinking of breaking up with her for well over a year . I too was in a relationship, it wasn’t serious the guy treated me really badly and we constantly broke it on and off and he was 7 years younger than me. We were both really unhappy in the relationships but got on with our partners more as friends which made the decission very hard.

    When we met each other it was like love at first sight, we couldnt stop staring at each other and we fell for each other extremely quickly. We decided to finish with our partners and shortly after decided to give us a go. The relationship to start of was amazing my heart would constantly flutter and we couldnt get enough of each other… then his ex got involved.

    She wouldnt leave him alone and insisted that the break up wasnt that hard as they were more like friends, he said she was the best girlfriend he ever had, it made me feel like i had an expectation to live up to and he advised me he would not stop contact with her as she is his best mate. It caused so much friction as I tried to accept her yet she would go to his house and if I were to come over she would suddenly leave.

    It became more and more apparent that she couldnt face being in the same room as me let alone see me with him. Every day he would spend hours on the phone to her and more and more he would ignore me, it deeply hurt as I love him so much. We went on holiday after me paying for him to come and he left me to stay with his mates. He turnt all my mates against me as well so I was left with no one, yet he still thinks it was of my own doing. He is very stubborn and never really takes on board my feelings.

    We have tried to stay friends and still sleep together on odd occassions, he told me he still loves me but to many other people were involved with our relationship and had views. The majority of his friends are close with his ex so I was pushed out as it seemed they wanted them to get back together and to get rid of me.

    She has now a new boyfriend but has decided she is spending the whole week sleeping over his house. I cant bear it, I want him back but it feels like she has stopped him from moving on. She has a new boyfriend now, so I cant understand why she cant leave him alone instead of being at his house all the time.

    I am close to his mother, and tend to see her once every couple of weeks with him, is this a wrong thing to do? I know I need to let go, but I cant seem to do it.

    I feel like im going crazy, we split 4 months ago and still every night I cry and feel lonely. not only have I lost the person I love but all my so called friends have turned their backs so I have no one to talk to about it. I lost my job through depression and cant seem to focus on anything apart from him.

    Any suggestions on how to get stronger and through this would be a great help. Im so broken hearted it feels like I cant breath.

  12. why? December 27, 2011 at 3:14 am #

    hi everyone!!!!
    first of all i would like to say thank God for google.I know it sounds funny but it was google that got me to reliese that i am not alone and i am not going crazy, but i am heartbroken for the first time in my life.hmmmm where do i start with my story, it hurts like never before, i mean i have been through alot in my life, from jobless, no mony and having a child depending on me for love and support while i had to end an abusive marriege via court. long story short, they guy who i was working with at the time helped me go through the proccess.our ralationship started as friends and grow to love ,however, we had our ups and but that helped us grow together. a month ago , been together for 5 years i asked him if he can see us as a family, his answer was “I dont know”. that crushed me . i crieed. and on top of it he blamed me for making him frustrated. since then i tried with sms email calls to say sorry. and not to lose him.no reply.why? how do i move on . what if i dont want to? i cant imagine myself with anyone but him. listen to me. i sound helpless which is so not me. i will forgive but cant forget….

  13. storyteller December 12, 2011 at 3:27 pm #

    I am on day 24 of (almost) NO CONTACT. It has been horrific. Every single minute of every single day I am torrmented by the urge to tell him that, ask him this, etc. I can’t listen to any music anymore. Every single song is either one we danced to, laughed about, rewrote lyrics to, or he downloaded for me. So I drive in silence. We went from 1600 minutes EVERY MONTH of phone conversations to zero. I’ve been driven mad by the “what do I do with this energy that I used to spend on us?” question. I caved last night and sent him a text due to a family emergency that I just needed his support on. He was very responsive and kind, but thankfully, kept the door firmly closed. Which is what I need. It’s what we all need.

    I finally was able to get some peace last week that I’d like to share with all of you. I have been going crazy with the “why wasn’t I good enough”, “what went wrong”, “why did he not choose me” (he was separated when we met and decided to go home last month….he chose not to put his older kids through a divorce), “what could I have done better/different/sexier/funnier that I didn’t do”, and the biggie, “WHY didn’t it work? WHY WASN’T I ENOUGH?” I’ve been going crazy until I had a breakthrough.

    The bottom line is I was CHOOSING to view our breakup/relationship in a certain story. The story that I was telling myself was, “I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, fun enough, pretty enough, etc. That’s why he went home and CHOSE to give me up.” However…I had to ask myself one question: “IS THAT TRUE?” and then this one, “DO I KNOW THAT TO BE 100% TRUE?”

    The answer I had to face was….NO. It’s not true. I was awesome. I took amazing care of him. We had gut-blasting laughter, amazing soul-connection, and the most fun and intimate moments of my entire life. So the TRUE story is…I WAS ENOUGH. I WAS GOOD ENOUGH. I WAS AWESOME. He chose to go home for his own reasons that have NOTHING to do with me. Family, kids, in-laws, job, etc. That has nothing to do with me.

    Once I accepted that the story I was telling myself was false and NOT serving me, I came up with my new story. Which is, “He is hurting too. He will always regret having to let me go. He is sad. He is missing me. He hears the same songs and has regrets. However…I was enough. I was amazing. The right person will see that someday.”

    I feel more peaceful now. I am still heartbroken and check the phone all the time, but I’ve noticed that every day it’s a little bit less. I challenge all of you to ask yourself these questions, “What do I know is true?” , “Is that totally true?”, and can you flip it around to make it a story that will serve you better. Telling myself that he never loved me, he didn’t miss me at all, I wasn’t enough COULD have been true but I don’t know that. I don’t know that for certain at all. It’s just as likely that he does miss me, he does love me, and I was more than enough. So I’m CHOOSING to tell myself that story instead. It’s more likely anyway.

    It gives me peace. It helps me sleep at night. I hope it helps you all as well.

  14. Tryingtostartagain December 11, 2011 at 1:54 am #

    I have recently split with my wife whoever was not only my best friend but my only friend. I have a fantastic son who I love and who loves me dearly but I am constantly hurting.

    I have dreams and thoughts about her with other men and my whole body hurts but I cannot stop myself having these thoughts. I feel so weak, I cannot keep going on like this because I feel like I am killing myself from the inside out.

    I have no friends because I find it hard to let people in, I think everyone would be better off without me in their lives anyway so I don’t try. If it wasn’t for my son I would not be around anymore and I honestly believe I wouldnt have been missed.

    I am not looking for sympathy, I just wanted to vent my feelings.

    They say time is a healer but it doesn’t feel the case to me. I feel that this pain and self loathing will last forever and that makes me feel worse.

  15. Eems December 10, 2011 at 5:27 pm #

    Me and my soul mate broke up two weeks ago, but I just can’t get over that sickening feeling that we’re never going to be doing things together again. Ever.

    I was diagnosed with depression last week. I think it’s been building for a while, and it made me so negative about everything, and my boyfriend said he didn’t like being around me anymore, and it hurt him too much to see me so sad. I really wanted us to move in together (we were going out for three years, with a few breaks in between) because we spent all of our time together. But the depression made me feel so hopeless about everything, and that meant that he didn’t want to move in with me anymore, so it was a vicious cycle.

    Now he’s left me, and even though he knows I’ve been diagnosed and I’ve sought medical help, he’s walking away. I don’t think he loves me anymore. I don’t know how to get through this without him. I can’t really rely on my family and my friends are great but they are all in relationships.

    I can’t face having to start again. I miss him so much. I just want things to be simple and nice. I miss him so much. He seems so logical and rational about things and says he’ll help if he can, but that the relationship is over. I thought he was so in love with me. I didn’t think he’d give up on me so easily.

    My heart is broken.

  16. Karen December 7, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    My Reply for “Devastated”

    So here is my story.
    I met a guy whom I thought was my soul mate. I have never had a connection like I did with him. He was everything all my ex’s weren’t. He was my biggest fan. He made me feel beautiful. He was sweet and affectionate and I felt like it was a blessing from god that I had met him. Finally, all those years of pain and loneliness were gone and he was worth the wait. Well, this relationship quickly took a turn for the worst…….

    Hi “Devastated” I am not sure if you are still coming back here or not but i read your story and feel the need to reply specially for you.

    You didn’t quite mention how you you and your ex have been together however after reading the content, it reminded me of myself when i cheated on my bf.

    If i am not wrong, your ex, he feels that he has that power over you, simply lift a finger and you would jump which is why it seems all the decisions he made came easily whilst you were there going insane coping and what not.

    Now that it’s officially over, you should be glad, because for a guy to sees you that way, your relationship forward would only mean more pain for you, more sacrifice from you until you’re completely gone and numb…Treat it like good riddance. I know it is always easier to say but understand this, i am also healing from my breakup, it’s my second week. As for how to cope or understand the situation, i think you should think this way: “Black or White, grey is never good” It’s whether he loves you or he doesn’t love you, there is no in the middle (Which is what he seems to be in)

    I am super glad that you have lost weight and felt good about yourself, remember this, no relationship especially the really toxic ones, should validate the worth of self. I hope you feel better soon and if you want to contact me via email, please let me know, perhaps we both could pull through this together.

    I hope you get better soon and same goes to everyone here.

  17. Natania December 6, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    I just separated from a guy ive known for atleast 5yrs, been with him the past several months, just for him to tell me that he is trying to work it out now with his ex. I mean, we have only been dating, but it is still difficult to separate from a person that you have spent alot of time with. I just get so angry at myself especially knowing that 3yrs ago i came out of a 5yr relationship and vowed not to “fall in love” with a man, unless I knew he could lead to a future. I find myself not being able to sleep, I am 28 for crying out loud! Too old for this crap. I just cant believe heartbreak could be so intense. I have completely deleted him from all walks of social networks and phonebook. I am not mad, I am just disappointed and hurt. I just wish I could skip past this stage of hurt and regret,….that’s all =(

  18. PansyRFThoughts December 5, 2011 at 6:15 pm #

    Hello, Everyone.

    I send you all hugs via Internet. Each of you seems like the worthiest person and my sympathy goes out. My heart was broken this October. I was in a long-distance engagement to a younger man for 2 years, us having known each other since grad school 4 years ago. In 2 years, we had 17 days together although we chatted via Facebook IMs, messaged also via Facebook, talked on the phone, and/or texted/sexted daily. Within one month of breaking (not breaking up) and being comforted by reapproaching engagement in 2 months–November–something happened between him and his current relationship. I found out through a nosy former friend of mine/current friend of his when she IMed if I knew what had happened; he refused and still refuses to talk to me about it, said, “It went the way it went. You can’t talk about it and I can’t talk about it because it’s not healthy. It’s over, just accept it, accept it.” I was in tears, pleading, calling him Honey and asking to please not hang up on me, to call me back later. He grew frustrated and agitated with me since he said he had to serve his family members supper. He didn’t call me back. He hasn’t called me back and I don’t know if he will. This new relationship is a younger woman who’s broken up with him a few times and dropped him as a friend. I’m absolutely heartbroken since 2 months-plus and counting of weekly and more therapy isn’t helping me cope with the roller coaster of off-on-on again with conditions and frequent talks/chats with friends and family isn’t helping, either. It’s like all of the years we knew each other don’t matter at all. We knew each other better than anyone. He’s the love of my life although he’s very far from the ideal I had yet I adjusted and he always made it up later. I know I wasn’t ideal for him, either, although I tried my best to make it up by being his fiercest, most loyal supporter and defender. I never played games and was available for him; he was available for me, too, except when his brother, his brother’s girlfriend, and his/their children started coming for dinner oftener and the children–including the relationship’s daughter from a previous marriage–started spending nearly every afternoon and evening over. I don’t know what to do since I’ve got the ring as well as enough items for our domestic life together to fill the back of a smaller moving fan. I love and miss him. I don’t understand how he could move into a relationship within a month and less than 2 weeks of us physically (retching and difficulty sleeping) and mentally sick (depressed) from the stress of dissolving our relationship. I want to tell him that I’d take him back and move in with him since every day in my hometown is painful.

  19. OneDayAtATime December 5, 2011 at 11:53 am #

    Hello everyone…

    This is the first time i am telling the truth..and i am telling it here…

    I have been with my very lovely bf for 7 years now. We have gone through thick and thin and am going to get engage early next year, we have also purchased out flat.

    My bf is a workaholic. During my spare time, i play some video games such a Call of Duty. I have many male friends there, some from my country some outside, because of my name and gender in the game, they enjoy teasing me, which i find normal, doesnt bother me.

    I got to know this guy through a game, unlike many gamers (most games talk trashy shallow stuff..) He was a perfect gentlemen who knows how to hold a decent conversation…(Wow i didnt know typing this, i am actually recounting the time ..) Ok, we have so much in common, we simply clicked instantly. We then moved on from online msger to texting through whatsapp. As he is from NC and i am not from the States, it’s pretty damn convenient for us to communicate through that!

    We communicated every single day and via whatsapp, we could share voice notes and also pictures easily..so from pics of the surroundings and quirky stuff we want to share with each other we moved on to pics of ourselves, i know i am not bad looking but i dont want him to like me for that, we exchanged pics and i was surprised how not affected i was about the entire outlook of us together.

    I started sharing with my bf about him, i told him that the reason i was talking to game guy is because we have good conversations. However, i guess when too much time spent, we somehow developed a very strong bond, we even talk on the phone using viber, free intl calls. I eventually learnt that he is actually married and has a son but they are both overseas. He knows about my bf too, as the gaming community knows abt my status, i never try to hide.

    Slowly, we came up with this crazy idea that i should go visit him and we joked and laughed about it. In 4 months time, i took a trip, 26 hours flights to NC and visit him for 2 weeks. My bf was broken hearted when he learnt that i was going to see him. But at that point of time,i figured, i love this new guy, he makes me happy and we were like soul mate. I didn’t care that he is married, i didn’t care i was breaking my bf’s heart. Biggest mistake …? Yes.

    We spent an amazing 2 weeks together. However little effort he put into my trip, i didn’t care. I was blinded by love i guess. When i returned from the States, it was another 2 week he will leave for Afghanistan (deployment, he is from the US Army) We spent all our time on the phone, my b;f torn, didn’t know what to do, told me that he will let me speak to him until he is gone.

    (*Game guy said that he said that he would wait for me and continue to pursue me because if i were his love of his life and if that he cant even fight for..what else is there worth fighting for.)

    We did good, though game guy became very possesive extremely jealous too…my bf also proposed marriage which i rejected as i felt that i wasnt ready and didnt want to remember being engaged in such foul mood. 1-2 months passed and i slowly withdraw myself from game guy, easier as contacting him became harder as well..and on the 3rd mth, he dropped the bomb.

    He stopped texting me as i have been avoiding him quite drastically. I still loved him at that time…i texted him, asked him if he is ok as i haven’t heard from him for awhile, it took 2 smses and he replied he is well, cold tone made my heart ache. I asked him why did he sound distant, he said he need to tell me stuff…I knew that it’s over but thought we needed to talk anyways to close the chapter, he told me that he can’t take it anymore…that he misses me but i am never there..and that he made contact with his family *( i have also told him to make more contact with his family..) I know it’s all for the better good that this comes to an end.

    WHAT I DON”T UNDERSTAND IS….I, of course told him that i would like to stop all contact, deleted him from everything i know, also out 700 pics of us..It hurts so bad doing that…but deep inside, some days, i wish he would drop me a text or email..nada…we ended the converastion tt night because it got really late and he was tired…i reflected back of the things I DID for him and things HE DID for me…i learnt that, if this were a game, i have lost. It’s clear that it didnt mean as much to him as it did to me, though he denied, he still claims that meeting me and being with me was the happiest he have ever been but if there were true, wouldn’t he want to at least make contact to check if i am ok? Why is it always (or rather seems) easier for guys to get over breakups than girls?

    I gone against my better self and advices from people i loved to accept a man with flaws or red flags thinking it is different but i learnt that, there’s a reason why these cautionary tales exists beacause these people DO exist…heartless sweet talking people who would say all the stuff to make believe something which could only be achieved in a fantasy.

    I have made amend with my bf and have also work on our relationship, we are back to being very happy really sweet and really healthy, but some nights when certain songs played which reminds me of game guy….why does my heart still ache?
    It’s been 5 days since my break up, i have been with him for 9 mths…i’m quite sure i will heal soon but heartaches suck.

    All the best to everyone…all i know is, friends, good movies, music and time will heal all wounds..just take it easy..you will get there.

    K

  20. Chico December 3, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

    I feel like I’m reading my story over and over again. Even though I have a confession to make I deserve this I have done bad things and now is time to pay for my actions. 6 years ago I met a man, he was wonderful and funny. We connected right away I got married at 18 and I love my husband but I was never in love with him I just needed to get out of my house and I saw an opportunity. This man and I became friends, we used to talk for hours ( we worked together) we kissed a couple times, I have 3 kids and he was married but no kids yet! Just a few months after we met and became friends his wife got pregnant. I tried to stay away but since we worked together it was hard to stay away from each other. One thing led to another and 6 years later here we are, we have kept a not healthy relationship throughtout these years. We have hurt people and he and I keep hurting myself. He feels guilty and pushes me away and I try to understand and I stay away for a few days then I miss him and go looking for him and we continue in this sick relationship. I don’t know what his true feelings are if he would love me he would have left his wife long time but he says he still there for his daughter and if I love him I should leave my husband but I feel horrible to do this to him because he is a good man and to my children too. I’m stuck! I know what needs to be done because we are hurting each other and I’m not happy either way. I would love to go away and clear my head and not to be afraid. I love him so much but he has hurt me deeply with his actions, his words, he is a coward just like me or just a good lier. Every month I feel this horrible pain when he brings the subject about going separate ways which should be easy we don’t work together anymore. Then we have amazing days that kind of pays for the awful days but at the end I’m still hurting. I just don’t know how to let go and I want to, I really do but don’t know how. Help!!! I want to be happy without him.

  21. Mia November 29, 2011 at 9:21 am #

    Hey guys,

    My boyfriend of 9 months and best friend of over a year and I broke up a day ago. I almost think this isn’t happening. We didn’t end on bad terms, and that I am grateful for. But, I was completely and totally blindsided. We have never kept anything from eachother, and we were, and still are eachothers world. Basically, he felt like I wasn’t treating him like a boyfriend, and he was trying to do everything for me. He said that felt like the “favor robot” and that he was tagging along, and not by my side like he should have been. I had no idea, I thought we were getting along better than we had the previous months when we were fighting and bickering. We lost the romance for a while, but I thought we had started to gain it back. Literally the night before, he was laying his head on my shoulder whispering in my ear about our future together. Where did it go wrong, I have no idea. I was really blind.
    My parents had married at 18, and have been together since they were 16, and I was blinded by that fantasy. I wanted it so bad to be like that for me and him. I was stupid. It’s not as bad as the breakup could have been, I know that. He basically just wants to find himself again, and I understand that. He doesn’t want to date, because he doesn’t want to lose me. We got along better as best friends, and I know that. But it’s still hard. The ultimate thing that is killing me is that I’ll never be able to hold his hand again, and be close to him physically. And maybe he won’t tell me everything like he used to. And I have to face the day when he finds someone else, and I’m just by his side being his best friend.

  22. Susie November 28, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

    OK, first of all I want to apologize if my writing has mistakes, cause I am still learning English, is not my native language.
    I feel very identified with your stories here guys, and gotta say it helps a lot in this grieving process to know that at the end we’re all humans and nobody can say “I’ve never been brokenhearted” cause I believe we all pass for a period of this sadness and emptiness at least once in our lifetime.
    I fell (or at least i may have fell) in love with the wrong guy, at the begging he was charming, the friendship was amazing, then he showed me his romantic side and we had an awesome chemistry, he made me feel inspired and happy after so many years of boredom and apathy in love. Then, few months passed and I started to realize I was forcing my self to be Ms. perfect for him, anticipating his mood, excusing him and blaming myself for his indifference and apathy towards me. I was feeling saf and lonely again, he stopped texting or calling, and when I asked him if he wanted to see me again he said yes but honestly he never moved a finger, the day when wr were supposed to meet he never called, two days later I texted him and he said “sorry I was sick” … same thing happened few days later, when I complained about his attitude, he said that I needed to grow up a lit bit, so, Mr. Charming changed so drastically to be Mr. Indifferent … so, yes, after so many texts and message s I sended trying to fix things today I finally decided to let it be… I won’t contact him again, he wasn’t right from the beginning, and I gotta say is very hard for me to br chill and cut contact but I won’t let him or anyone else to use me as his personal ego booster, actually I don’t think to be friends with him could be a good idea either, cuz I have strong feelings for him, but God, yoga, family , friends,meditation are helping a lot and this blog makes e feel that I am not alone … thank you all

  23. Clara November 23, 2011 at 11:32 pm #

    Its refreshing to hear stories similar to my own. I know that I’m not alone in this heartbreak. What I am needing now more than anything are answers. When will the hurting, the lonliness, the emptiness end? Its been a month since my relationship of 9 years ended. I too, like so many others here, felt a slight shift in our relationship from his end in the last few weeks. He stopped coming straight home after work, instead opting to go out for drinks with people from work. Although I didn’t know it at the time he was going out to meet with a girl from work. I was naive enough to believe he was just starting to make friends with his coworkers at his relativley new job. He became distant. He started to purposely do things to irritate me and when I had enough and snapped he’d get mad at me for getting upset. He stopped promptly responding to my texts. I was going through some difficult changes in my life myself and thought he was feeling neglected by me and at the same time I thought he was giving me the space and peace and quiet I needed until things settled down. Last month he came home and out of the blue announced he was moving out, that he was done, there was nothing I could say or do to change things. Turns out while meeting with his work friends something developed between this girl and him. He swears he didn’t touch her and nothing happened, but i don’t believe him. He started an emotional affair and instead of discussing what wasn’t working and what needs were left unfulfilled by me, he was telling her instead. Not 2 weeks after the break-up does he tell me he’s taken her on a date, kissed her… I had no clue that I could feel any worse than I did after he left, but I do. I don’t understand what happened. Every relationship has ups and downs. Things always got better. Isn’t that the point of a relationship? To support one another and ride out the rough patches together? He was my best friend. Its going to be hard to cut him out of my life but I think I owe it to myself to cut him out cold turkey. I need to stop thinking about what he’s saying to her, where he’s taking her, what they’ve done together. I don’t deserve this. I would never have treated him or anyone else like this. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me, that he loves me but everytime I hear from him he manages to dig that knife in a little deeper, twist it a little more.

    I’m not sure anyone will even read this, but if there is anyone out there who has survived this, how long does it take to start feeling normal? When can I make it a day without breaking down? When will I make it a day when he doesn’t cross my mind? I love him so much. With all my heart. I miss him so much it hurts. Any advice or suggestions to move on would be much appreciated.

  24. HeartacheCan'tStopMeNow November 16, 2011 at 9:06 am #

    Hello all,

    Reading all your posts, particularly Robert’s, has made me feel so much better. I am not alone. I got the call last night from my boyfriend saying he wants to break up. We were supposed to be on a “break” from each other so he could have some space.

    I love him with all my heart and I will love him for a long time. I spent all last night just crying my eyes out, talking to a friend about the good things, and occasionally getting angry about the bad things. The good things like how he would cook for me, and be worried about whether I would like it or not. The bad things like how in this past month, he hasn’t been nice to me. He hasn’t been mean, but also not nice. Everytime I would talk or tell a story, the only reply I would get was “yeah” and a little nod. That hurt so much. I could see our relationship unraveling from his end, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I could only cling onto my memories of better times and hope it would return to that, but no, I know it won’t.

    He says he still wants to be friends, but I really doubt I can do that. I have been friends with exes afterwards, but that is ONLY after going “cold turkey” for an amount of time, until I was sure I was over it. It really pains me to think I will have to do that now to my Zach, he may have been the best relationship I had. We spent every night together up until 3 nights ago. It hurts to sleep alone. He used to talk about marrying me or moving in. It only gave me false hope. Now here it is, one month until my lease is up, and I have to look for an apartment alone. I feel rejected, unwanted, and let down.

    There is some part of me that desperately wishes he’ll call back and say he made a mistake, that he does want to be with me now that he’s had more time to think about it, but I know that is not him, and I know it wouldn’t be healthy. So why do I keep hoping for it? He told me this relationship was so vastly different from his past ones, and I was the sweetest girl he’s ever dated, but apparently that’s not good enough? I don’t know.

    All I know is I have to get this hurt out before I can heal. I let myself cry instead of holding it in (at times when I’m able). A wound cannot heal unless the infection is removed! I cried some more this morning when I woke up. No one is here, so I can.

    I love him and I miss him. But it is over, there’s no going back. He won’t take me back, and even if he did, I shouldn’t go back to him.

  25. OneLove November 16, 2011 at 4:39 am #

    I love the stories its great to know im not alone! MY Story is this I’m 24 years old i only loved once from the time i was 13 and still now!We havent broke up yet but its coming soon not from him but me!I know my life is about to change without him but i have to let go!I have four kids by this guy 2boys 2gurls !#young parents i know dont judge me!That makes it even harder my kids need him they think he is amazing and so do i besides long hours of him being gone not calling me cumin home the next day selfish never caring about my feelings until i react in a bad way!He brings so much negativity out of me i just dont need or want to do he has control over if i have a good or bad day i hate feeling like a basket case i wanna just let it go! He is all i know i feel i cant breath without him his like my air its hard even letting it out. He want take me serious when i say its time to split and go our seperate ways he justs says no we aint bequiet. I JUS feel he thinks imma take anything and never leave he takes me for a joke and him telling me he cant leave without me doesnt help me either it makes me feel like i dont wanna leave until his selfish irresponsible thoughtless irritating no sense side appearance!I’m at my breaking point now i have TO LET IT GO but i feel like nothing within if i dont have him i feel like nothing with him i loose either way id rather loose alone if that make since readers!With that being said his my one love forever its been that way i know him better than his mother and visa versa His turning into my lost love!I start the heal my broken heart process today i feel insane already!All i can do is pray that i stay strong for my kiddos after all their my true loves and will always love me and warn break my heart!God bless readers thanks for listening or reading lol Good luck every one and best wishes to heal!

  26. Devastated November 14, 2011 at 10:02 am #

    So here is my story.
    I met a guy whom I thought was my soul mate. I have never had a connection like I did with him. He was everything all my ex’s weren’t. He was my biggest fan. He made me feel beautiful. He was sweet and affectionate and I felt like it was a blessing from god that I had met him. Finally, all those years of pain and loneliness were gone and he was worth the wait. Well, this relationship quickly took a turn for the worst.

    Within months of being together I had found out he cheated on me with his best friends baby sister (18). He had flown her in from Dallas behind my back. I was devastated. I could not believe someone that I thought was my soul mate would do something so horrible to me. We ended things immediately and I sat in despair on my couch for weeks on end. Crying, sulking, blaming myself for this. Why was I not good enough? Am I not thin enough? I finally ended up picking myself up and began working on myself. Trying to get to the root of my problems. I began months of dieting and exercise. Which paid off. I lost a ton of weight and began to feel great again. My ex began dating the girl from Dallas. It was hard to bare watching it play out on Facebook. I unfriended him but it was still easy to see things I did not want to.

    I began feeling like myself again till I received a text from the ex. He was informing me he made the biggest mistake of his life and was dumped by her within a month of being together. He said he wanted to rebuild a friendship with me. I never stopped thinking about him and like a fool accepted him back into my life without hesitation. The summer was a whirlwind of emotions. He constantly would toss me back and forth. He wanted me one day and then the next acted like he couldn’t be around me. He was clearly still in love with this other girl, which broke my heart even more. I had realized I had became a doormat to him and I could watch myself falling down this long dark road and I couldn’t not stop myself. It was awful.

    Eventually he began turn around, which I assumed that something happened with the other girl and he finally got over her. That’s when are friendship/relationship began to get back to where it was when we first met. It wasn’t long before I received a call from him informing me that he was let go from his job and would probably be moving back to Dallas. I could not bare the thought of losing him and like a crazy fool I wanted to spend every minute I could with him even though I knew he would eventually leave. I didn’t want to let him go. I would search online for jobs in his market in our city. But he was already being a defeatist. His mind was set. He was leaving. We spent a lot of time together before he left. But as the days got closer to his departure sadness sunk in. It was hard for him and I to hang out and not get emotional or cry. I felt like if he left I would lose a part of me and it was a horrible sick feeling to resonate on. I knew he could see this was tearing me a part. So two weeks before he left he told me we could no longer see each other. That hurt even worse. I was an emotional basket case. I felt like I was just go through the days in a comatose state. I was depressed and heartbroken. What am I going to do without you in my life? How can I bear the idea of never seeing you again?

    Last night I received a call from him. It was a farewell call. He told me that I never did anything wrong and thanked me for everything I had done for him. Being there through good and bad. He said I am an amazing person and I deserve the best.He also informed me that he felt horrible about all the pain he put me through and wished that things would have turned out differently. He began to cry which made me break down. He said goodbye and that he would never forget me and got off the phone. Now I am sitting here in the office on the day of his departure and I can not get myself together. I did not sleep at all last night and I just want to curl up in a ball and hide in my bed. I have never been so hurt and devastated over another person. I question as to why this happened to me? Why did that guy upstairs want to cause me so much pain? Im a good person. I would never do this to anyone. If there is anyone out there that reads my story and can fill me in on some coping strategies or wants to share their advice with me I would love to hear it.

  27. Paige November 14, 2011 at 7:44 am #

    Hi guys, it does get easier. My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago because he couldn’t be with anyone right now, had to sort himself out when really i just found out that he was talking to his ex girlfriend about getting back together after chasing me around for 2 weeks then asking me to be his girlfriend, His ex girlfriend cheated on him 4 times and then went into a relationship without he last guys she cheated on him with for 6 months then just got dumped after he got with me and wanted to sort things out with my boyfriend. so he broke up with me. i cried, couldn’t eat and sleep for a week hoping that be would change his mind until i found out today that he was sorting things out with her. it hurts but after seeing him tonight and making him tell me himself cause he never told me he just lied about it all. he was keeping me on a string incase nothing worked out between them, its hard and unfair but you need to realise that your better off without them and if thats the person they are you don’t need them. im being a little spiteful and staying friends with his brother and family as they hate the ex gf and so does the whole family, so im going to make sure im there to piss him off more because he has done what he’s done. im planning to make an appearance at his next hockey game where his brother will be so i can get back at him a little not the best idea but i will do it.

    Just remember your amazing and they don’t deserve someone like you.

  28. L November 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm #

    Like so many others here, I thought I’d found the perfect relationship. So, like an idiot, I behaved like the perfect girlfriend. Appallingly, I am realizing that my own efforts to be attentive, considerate and helpful are the very traits that seem to have turned my boyfriend off. Of course, after all this fawning over the guy, he started to act entitled and took things for granted (and probably got bored because I was acting too needy). As I started to resent his lack of gratitude for my efforts, I just blew my top one day and talked to him like a real witch. Of course, that was the perfect reason for him to now say that he’s not sure he wants to be in a relationship (with me) and now he wants time to think over whether we should stay together or not. He won’t talk to me in person, and phone calls/texts are distant and cold. I know I need to just get over it … he’s not into me … and I need to learn lessons from this mess. But, OH, how my heart breaks for the loss of what I thought this relationship would be. After the last guy, I thought I’d never let my heart get broken again, but here I am. I have a terrific therapist who I know will help me with this, and some good friends and loving family so I am luckier than many. I also take great solace from the other kind souls who have poured their hearts out on this forum. Nights are so long – the daytime, when I’m working, goes faster but every second of the clock seems to take forever. To all my other partners in heartache, I wish us all peace and healing.

  29. Broken Heart Soul October 22, 2011 at 10:12 am #

    Lyn,

    I know exactly what you are going through. The heartwrenching feeling, the loss,the sadness, the emptiness, the regret and the wish to turn back the time. It would be so great to rewind the regrets. In any relationship there are ups and downs. We say things that we regret but we forgive and forget and we go on. In our relationship I was the most calm and understanding one and was always there for him. He was always there for me too. He told me that if there is anything that ever bothered me to always tell him. Then one day he changed on me. I saw some difference in him. I saw some distance and partial disconnect. It was not like him so I asked questions. Is there someone else? I suspected and confronted but he would not like that and would tell me to trust him. This went on for five months. He just would not talk to me. He wouldn’t be alone with me anymore. If we meet, it was with common friends and it was like “just friends”. I could not get him alone to talk about what is going on. If we talk on the phone it was like he was trying to hurry up and hang up. No more texts…mostly I would send him one and he would reply only to half of them. No more I miss u or I love u. Things were bottled up inside of me and on 3 or 4 occasions I said some things that he did not like. I regret saying them but I guess I was being childish. But they werent anything that bad to break a relationship. Because I couldn’t talk to him I sent him an email about how I was feeling and wanted to meet him. I asked him that if he wanted to break up then he should let me know but don’t keep me hanging on. No response. This was not like him. I guess he broke up with me but forgot to tell me. I could not believe this was happening to me. He loved me so much that whenever I was sad, he would run to me. Now, I don’t exist for him. I guess he found someone else that would make him happier. I was old news and he needed something new. Whatever the reason, I am the same person that loved him more than my life. I still do love him. The lowest point in my life was the other day at my office when I broke down. I sat at my desk and cried my heart out. I did not make a sound because I didn’t want my co-worker in the next cubicle to hear me. It was hard to do but I just closed my eyes and cried with all my soul. When I opened my eyes…I saw a puddle of tears on my desk. I felt sorry for myself. I felt sad for myself. Now I am trying to heal myself. I realized that in a relationship if I can’t say something that is on my mind which happen to be minor then that is not a relationship. If I am always walking on egg shells around him then that is not a relationship. If I have to take the blame then that is not a relationship. If I have to always to be sorry then that is not a relationship. Whatever we had was not a relationship. I guess I was too blind to see it. At this moment I don’t want to meet another guy. I don’t think I can do this heart-ache thing anymore. Too painful thing to go through.

  30. Sadness October 18, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

    Crushed I know exactly what you are talking about… I’m going through the same after my relationship of nearly eight years (four of them long distance) stopped contacting me and cannot be bothered to respond to any of my desperate emails and messages. He did not even give me an explanation. We had our ups and downs – nevertheless it happened out of the blue. I’m feeling so empty and in so much pain desperatly waiting of a sign from him which I know will not happen. He easily seemed to have closed this chapter of his life whereas I’m struggeling to cope with it. I just cannot help it but miss him terribly. Will I ever been able to love someone like I love him. I don’t think I can…

  31. Brokend Heart Kelly October 16, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

    I can’t believe I did this. I did this to myself. He was my boyfriend for three years. We were in love. He would call me everyday or at least text me. We would meet once or twice a week to date. He loved me so much that I could see it in his eyes. Then in the past summer he started to keep his distance from me. From having phone calls and texts every day to once a week. Then he totally stopped. He would not reply my texts. My phone calls would go to his voice mail. Sometimes he would call and sometimes he wouldn’t. It was not like him. I suspected that he wanted to break up with me slowly. I thought he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t want to hurt me. I confronted him a couple of times and he kept telling me he was busy at work. But he was not too busy for our mutal friends. He would give the attention that he used to give me to another female friend. She became his best friend and I was nobody. I was confused. It was like I didn’t exist anymore. I said some terrible things and we got into an argument. I got drunk grabbed his arm and scratched it. I didn’t realize I was using my nails when I grabbed his arm. Then I told him I’m leaving him. It was out of anger and I was drunk. He agreed. Now he hates me but I didn’t mean to scratch his arm. I don’t know what to do. I love him and want him back. But I know he doesn’t want me. My actions made it easy for us to break up. It is what he wanted but I did it for him. Now he wont feel guilty for hurting me. My heart is so broken. I want to call him but I know he won’t answer. I want to say sorry. I want to move on but miss him so much. How can I mend my heart?

  32. DeeplyHurt October 11, 2011 at 11:11 am #

    I know I’m in a hopeless relationship, but I don’t want out. I still deeply care about him despite how he has treated me for the past month. He’s cheating on me with a girl that lives two time zones away. He doesn’t know that I know. He thinks he’s being sneaky, but it’s obvious. I haven’t been able to tell any of my friends about this because I don’t want to be judged for the decision I’m making to not get out right away. I must admit that I am morbidly curious to see what would happen if I still pretend I know nothing of their relationship. They haven’t had a physical relationship yet, as she lives far away, but they text, email, talk, video chat on a daily basis. When he thinks I’ve gone to sleep, he’ll start sexting her. She knows he has a girlfriend. They know each other from years and years ago, but never dated and have not seen one another for many years. I’m in so much pain, yet I can’t seem to let him go. He’s trying to find a job where she lives. If he’s so serious about being with this girl, why doesn’t he end things with me? He told me he was looking for jobs outside our city, and I told him I don’t want him to be with me out of convenience. He responded with nothing is a gaurantee and he doesn’t know what will happen. I know he cared for me truly at one point only a short time ago, so I guess I’ve just been trying to hold on to the hope that he can care again. Then I get so mad at myself. Why do I stay? I know I can get out of this and start to heal. I’m not stuck, but I am. Does that make any sense? I know if I was on the outside looking in, I would be telling myself to get out. Why are you with such a prick? You deserve so much better. I can feel the break up coming. It will probably happen today, if not tomorrow. I’m so sad. I feel distraught about it. My unhappiness is affecting everything around me. People are noticing. I was in such a happy place only last month. When this is over, I think I will be able to feel at least some relief. That’s something I can look forward to. I’ll be able to tell my friends the secret I’ve been keeping for so long. I’m thankful for them. It’s time for me to face the music, I know. I hope to stop crying soon. I hate feeling this way.

  33. Broken Hearted Girl October 8, 2011 at 2:07 pm #

    Today would have been our 7th anniversary of being together…never have i felt a love so real witin me and never have i felt so much pain at the same time…
    I was with this guy for 6.5 years and in June, after spending a wonderful weekend together…he phones me late and sounds really down…i ask whats wrong…getting anxious inside, my stomach in knots because i could just feel in my heart something was wrong…naturally thinking he must be cheating on me…i ask him…he said no and along with that…also said ‘i just cant do this anymore’…i could not believe what i was hearing…my heart shattered into a million pieces…its like i literally died on the phone. I cried and cried, i still couldnt believe my ears, had the love of my life just said he didn’t want to be with me anymore…i put the phone down that night and thought right he doesnt want to be with me..i sat up in my bed, wiped away my tears and deleted all his pictures out my phone, off facebook, deleted his number all his family members numbers-everything..as i had made a promise to myself when i was younger: “if ever a guy did not want to be with me anymore, i would walk away and never look back”…
    I could not bring myself to keep up with the promise i made to myself and woke up the next day begging, loosing my dignity, loosing my self respect…everything..but still i was left with a broken heart…
    I could go on for days…but i know at the end of the night..i still lay in bed with my broken heart…
    7 years today…and i still love him with dear life

  34. I will make it September 26, 2011 at 8:26 pm #

    Just like all the stories I read before, mine is no different. I was divorced for 8 yrs, before I started dating this guy I meant the only time I went to a bar after my divorce. I was not sure of him, and my friends that knew him told me not to get involved with him, but I didn’t listen… Well now I know why. We were together for 20 months, extremelly good to my kids, my family and I thought to me. We were happy, but in early June after coming back from a vacation I started to see him change. He gave me every single story or excuse there can be, even though it didnt make sense. I just kept waiting for him to come to his senses, kept asking him if there was anyone or if he just didn’t love me anymore, his answer was ” Babe, I love you so much, I am just going thru a rough time and give me time” So I did… I waited by the phone, checking to see if he text or call, but days would go by with no contact. Then he will call and talk very sweet, so I will be happy and hope again this time he might change. Well here we are today, thins are worst than ever before, he keeps promising to see each other or to stop by and he will not even call to say he cant make it. Today, I look up online “How to heal my broken heart” I found this site… wow, I am not alone, so many as me that believe in that someone. I hide from my kids and family as its so sad that they all think of him as the best thing since slice bread. If they only knew how much pain I am in, how I try to make things look perfect so no-one will know. I hope that today can be my first day of finding a reason why not to hear to nonsense excuses, empty promises and lies. I know that the pain I am feeling now, can only be less, cause right I cant get any worst heart ache. Not Even more that when I got divorced, did I hurt like now. Thank you for this site and all your stories. “I will make it”

  35. Eight September 18, 2011 at 10:07 pm #

    Hi everybody,
    I wanted to share my story, even if nobody reads it.. guess its more for myself really… maybe it will help. I was with my girlfriend for 12 years. We met when we were teenagers, and then one horrible day in 2003, I’d found out she was really married. And i know this sounds terrible but i still loved her with a passion so I just had to see past that and make things work. Not because there I was afraid there was nothing else out there for me but because I was madly in love with her. I’d believed she was my soulmate. So eventually as time went on, we fought because she would always promise to leave him and never did. We broke up for a couple years in between and in 2006 I was in a life changing car accident. My life flashed before my eyes, and she was my last thought in that dark night, so I rang her to tell her I loved her and that if there was still a chance she loved me and we could make it work, i’d take it with both hands. She said she loved me too, that she’d never stopped loving me and left her husband to be with me. We were great for a few years, the best we’d ever been planning marriage and kids after her divorce but as time went on, I grew jealous and impatient with her delays of divorce. I started to doubt whether she’d ever loved me and we’d fight about it constantly.. this was until that fateful day of July 21st 2011 when she said she never wanted to be with me again. On text. After 12 years of being with someone, she broke up with me on text saying her feelings for me had changed, that she her animousity and disgust for me far outweighed her love anymore. And as you can imagine.. I was devastated… crushed. I knew I drove her away with my control and anger but… what about what i had to endure? what about all I had forgiven her for and she just left me, just like that? To this day she hasnt left her husband. It seems to me her family played a big role in her marriage, they all adore him and I am nothing compared to what he has with his in laws.. I just thought.. I dont know.. I just believed so much we were meant to be and after loving someone for so long… where does the love go? What am i supposed to do now? Sigh… I still feel the pain and anguish because despite our tumultuous relationship… what we had was love. A love that made my heart sing and life smile. A connected most people never find. I know youre probably all thinking i shouldve got out earlier.. but I dont know I’m a dreamer. I hope against hope. But I suppose at some point I need to let go. It has been 8 weeks and 4 days since I have spoken to her but whos counting right.. I still miss her everyday. Every sunset bears her name, every warm breeze I close my eyes and smell her scent. I just wish for inner peace.. I cannot bear the thoughts of anguish anymore. But i also cant bear the thought of her having children one day with her husband… sigh.. I’m trying my best.

  36. June September 15, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

    It’s day 2 of being single. My heart hurts sooo much, and after being a big girl most of the day I finally had my breakdown at work. It wasn’t too long since I had to pull myself together when I had a client at the door. Distractions are better than gold. But once matters have been taken care of, there’s the quiet emptiness again. The whirling thoughts and questions, that keep me awake at nite and completely unfocused during the day. I’m a mess. I remember the crap he pulled that landed me in this position, and I know I’m doing the right thing, but that’s not to say I don’t want him or love him. I’ve wanted him more than anything for the past 3 years and still do. I can’t imagine a better man for me. We were perfect together. Best friends. So why did he never choose me? What’s wrong with me? Why couldn’t I have been more awesome so he’d move mountains to be with me too? It’s too fresh still for me to see the light. I need to be in this dark place a little longer. It actually helps to write things out like this. But my phone isn’t ringing and he’s never coming over… Reading about others is comforting in the sense that I realise I’m not alone in suffering from a broken heart. I don’t wish this on anyone and don’t enjoy reading about others’ pain, no one should have to feel what I am feeling. But they are, and I’m not alone. Every nite I close my eyes and wish/pray to whoever is listening that I don’t wake in the morning. No more pain. No more doubts. No more bullsh*t. Unfortunately, my alarm clock wakes me every damn morning, and I am forced to face a life without him. Alone again. Thanks for listening. Can’t say I feel better tho.

  37. Devastated September 13, 2011 at 11:57 am #

    I was in a relationship with my best friend. We were good friend for three years until we decided to move toward a relationship and the relationship lasted for 2 and half years. Everything was great at first until he changed careers and made his job a priority. We hardly spoke and spent time together. When he was available the only thing he wanted to do was sleep as he was too tired from working. Trust starting to be an issue and we began arguing a lot so he left me. It has officially been a year and one day since our breakup and when it first happened I told everyone that he died and to never utter his name ever again. My friends and family were confused as they didn’t know what happened to him and our relationship. I finally told everyone in January what happen and that’s only because I thought we were getting back together…. We spoke consistently from December to February until one day he just up and tells me that he doesn’t want to get back with me…. I was crushed again. I knew something was going on; he kept telling me I couldn’t come over to his place and would get upset if I kept asking why, he would cancel our dates and not return my calls for days… I finally found out in March that he was living with another girl as of October of last year; (only about a month after our breakup!) What was most disturbing is that he is talking to me and telling me he’s single and lying!! Last month he up and texts me… I should have never responded but I did. We met up and spoke; he still won’t admit he was living with her. I am saddened because I can’t trust him and it hurts because I still love him. Last time we texted he was upset because I don’t want to be intimate with him until we are committed…. He finished the text by saying, “Leave me alone, I’m going to start dating another girl anyway…” It’s been about 2 weeks. I feel like I am back at the beginning, I just want to move on already. I get very lonely sometimes.

  38. Gabrielle September 10, 2011 at 9:21 pm #

    My fiance and I just broke up because he lied to me and refused to tell me the truth until after it was over. And he blames me and says I chose my family over him and he blames them. He has made no effort to reconcile even after I told him I love him still. He has insulted me, my family and even made vague threats. During our last conversation I could tell he was drunk or worse and he either hung up on me and turned off his phone or lost service. We were moving into our new apartment in three days and now I’m stuck living with relatives and it is miserable. I still love him and honestly I’d run back to him in a second if he asked :( That makes me pathetic but that is how I feel. I hope this devastating pain goes away eventually, it is horrible.

  39. It heals September 7, 2011 at 2:41 am #

    Okay I know this is going to sound silly to some people – but I thought I would share it anyway. I can relate to almost all the feelings you guys have posted here. The sadness, the emptiness, the question marks…and basically the feeling that you will never overcome the heartache..so I completely understand. It’s really an awful feeling.

    I went through a few situations like this but only two of them really made me feel like I was going to die, literally. My chest used to hurt and my head would throb – that’s how physical the pain actually was. Then it began to affect other things, like my interest in work, my friends, my hobbies.

    Yes I agree with the above by refraining from contacting them pointlessly – especially if it just makes you feel worse afterwards. But what I am saying is that you shouldn’t go cold turkey on your own feelings. I decided maybe it was something I had to be brave about, instead of denying or hiding from it.

    So this is what I did.

    I sat in my room and cried. I didn’t put make up on to cover my puffy eyes. I didn’t pretend to be happy. When people asked how I was, I said “not great, but okay”. I didn’t distract myself by going out pointlessly. I didn’t pretend that finding someone else asap would make my life better. I listened to “here with me” by Dido and “too lost in you” by Sugababes. I didn’t care about anything, I didn’t talk about it to anyone because I didn’t feel like it and as such, I truly, honestly, allowed the way I was feeling to be a part of me, painfully and loudly at first, but then peacefully and calmly as time went by.

    Some people may or may not agree with this, but all I can say is that when it went away, along came the realisation that I am capable of suffering, I am capable of being broken, I am human. It made me REAL.

    The most defining thing about it when you do is that you start to “feel” the other half of your soul out there. So I put my head down and got on with my life and nurtured this belief quietly and privately in my heart.

    My advice, go through it, every last heart wrenching tear of it. You will emerge and you will find what you are looking for. Your soul has its other half. There is nothing wrong with letting your soul experience what is feeling. If anything, it will bring you that same sincerity in your soul mate.

    Best wishes to you all that you find honest and timeless love, soon.

  40. Michelle August 24, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

    Stephen, I feel for you. we’re in the same boat, my boyfriend of 38 months just left me 5 weeks ago and I am soooo devastated! I have no friends to talk too, I’m working overseas my life is such a terrible mess because of what I’m going through. The thing that I can say to you to, at least lessen the emptiness, and sadness in your heart is read blogs of people who had been in the same situation as us, you’ll feel better after! knowing that “we’re not alone” in our predicament after all! The worst thing in my situation is we’re workmates, yes, he’s sitting above my room! Funny eh? He passes by my desk everyday, to have meetings with my other colleagues and the meeting room is just across from where my desk is! Can you imagine the pain I have to bear everyday? I thought of changing job but it’s not easy considering the global economic situation? No, way! I hope you feel a little bit better now Stephen… take care.

  41. thomas August 24, 2011 at 4:28 am #

    Hi there stephen i know what your going through, i felt (and still do to a degree) the excactly the same as you and although it does get better it still hurts and i still get my bad days and think about her at various points through the day, i split up 2 months ago and it was a bad break up so we dont even talk anymore wich at first was killing me but i think it is for the best as i would be always thinking wed get back and that only prolongs the pain, if you ever need someone to talk to just leave me a message here as i know how it feels, i never imagined myself being on something like this a couple of months ago but i was feeling low and went lookin online for some help. Hope your well and it will get better

  42. Stephen August 23, 2011 at 2:33 pm #

    Hello to every one with a broken heart

    My girlfriend left me two weeks and two days ago I have no friends to help me and she won’t even talk to me I did nothing wrong but she said she was not happy anymore. She was my best friend and I didn’t need anyone else because I fort I would always have her. I have never felt pain like this before and I just want her back. I would be very happy if someone could just post something that could help I have no one and I’m so alone.

  43. Sleepless August 18, 2011 at 9:58 am #

    Hello Robert,
    thank you for your kind words, but no.. I cannot do it. Yes, our children are affected by seeing a negative marriage, however we have spoken about it and they would be devastated if i left their father. He is a good father and when he is not “flipped” he is a good man, a good provider. It is possible he is sick with bi polar syndrome, hence the Jeckyl and Hyde. Funny thing is i actually say that to him. But he refuses to go see a doctor.
    I can sacrifice for a few more years. Who knows, maybe in 10 years, when they are young adults and busy with their own lives, I will do it. But for now, I will follow the cold turkey steps and heal my broken heart. I am better. Hopefully my neighbor will move away and I will never see him again. I am proud that we stopped something that was wrong, and that we did not sleep together. Very hard to do when you love someone so much.. but i took a vow and must honor it.

    Your concern was very kind and I give you a little of advice myself. It is not fair that you always judge new partners against the love that you lost. It will take a long time to really get to know the new person. Take that time.. i didn’t. That was my mistake. Things in the beginning are never at the depth that you shared with the one you lost, but be fair and give it time.. unless you know 100% that it is not for you. Then you and many others that read this blog will see that it may be you doing the letting go and breaking someone else’s heart.

  44. Robert August 18, 2011 at 6:01 am #

    Hello my friends,

    It’s funny but you are so correct ‘Sleepless’ and I’m sure many of my friends who helped me here through the worst of times can so agree…what you said was so very true. I was struck by the simplicity of your words…”I used to say “to have him just a tiny bit in my life is better than nothing at all.” But that is wrong. COLD TURKEY is the only way.” It IS truly the ONLY way whether we choose to accept it or not. To not heed that advice is to lay your heart bare again for someone to trample on. Why? It is simply because (as in my case) she said she had “fully moved on” (while also conveniently diving headlong into another relationship at a time when I KNEW she had ‘met’ someone near her work). I realize for you Sleepless that your situation was different but if you read my string of posts from wayyyyy back you can feel the torment and also imagine the time involved for healing the heart and soul.

    I have writtend for years and often write for cathartic relief because of stress in my work (law enforcement/violent crime) and for staying somewhat ‘sane.’ A long while back when suffering immense pain, I remember writing these words to her so that she could understand the depth of what I was going through and felt. Trust me…when someone ‘leaves’ and truly walks away from you…it is fruitless to do anything else except to remain SILENT. I wrote….

    “What was I to do, convince or influence…beg you over and over to come back? All I have tried to do since our breakup is to live my life as well as I can each day. It pained me deeply to step back and give you space because I missed being in your…our world so very much. I have tried my best to let go of trying to ‘fix’ our relationship. That’s what you do when you love I suppose. You fight to keep love alive but at what cost?”

    Sleepless and all others, flip the pages here and you will see my struggles from the onset when I arrived here so long ago broken, confused, empty and bitter. Life does get AND feel better day by day. People like YOU make life more understandable and thus…far more meaningful. Robert

  45. Sleepless August 17, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    I wrote a submission a few weeks ago and i just wanted to update you to let you know that you will feel better. I have really followed the tips to flip negative thoughts to positive, to not have even a tiny bit of communication, to remember the bad times, the meanness and not the good. To avoid the times i used to wait and watch for him etc. It’s not that i don’t think of him anymore, but it is better. I used to say “to have him just a tiny bit in my life is better than nothing at all.” But that is wrong. COLD TURKEY is the only way to go if you can. For those whose lives are intertwined, like co workers and spouses, it must be harder.

  46. Robert August 5, 2011 at 7:10 am #

    Hello everyone…

    To my dear, sweet friends from this site dating way back (‘Tryingtoheal’…’Sarah’…’Miracle’) if you read my posts and felt my thoughts, I can relate to every single word you said and the poignant nature of pain to the highest degree. ‘Sleepless’, I was very touched by your words and clearly your intellect, and I am sure if my good friend ‘Tryingtoheal’ still gets this and weighs in, she will as well. I have done a great deal of writing for many years and touched pen on paper cathartically I suppose. THAT has been a major way for me to release the past inch by inch…day by day…month to month.

    ‘Sleepless’….I feel for you because you are in a horrible position. You and your life have basically been held hostage since you found out who your REAL husband was. Your ‘friend’ sounds deeply compassionate and caring, yet clearly, you both found yourself on a precarious perch so to speak. I feel your thoughts so completely. You have an amazing ability of expression and in just your brief words, I felt your sorrows and heartbreaks as life slides by painfully.

    I will say this. Life is to be lived and my sweet friend Belinda and I have struggled immensely in many different ways over a span of two years. ‘Sleepless’ and all others here. This forum is a God send, in that you get diverse situations and a multitude of different scenarios. BUT…it carries one common thread. We lost love, had it taken from us cruelly, had someone toss it away like it meant nothing and unfortunately, if dumped as I was years ago…the refuse remaining behind is heart numbing. The other person goes on and LIVES…moves on in another relationship, yet we cannot at times because we continuously weigh another potential ‘friend’ against the one we lost.

    For ‘Sleepless’ I pity your loss of life and love my friend. You have a callous creature of a man who was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…loving at courtship and brutally dictatorial and emotionally (probably physically too) devoid of true ‘love’ for you. Trust me as a man who left his home way back when and separated…divorced when the kids were young…you MUST eventually do something for YOU! LIFE is to be LIVED ‘Sleepless’ and your children will be all the better for it. My kids and I and my ex maintain a very amicable relationship now. Both kids today as young adults have said they KNEW when we were married that we lacked love as a couple…didn’t seem as if we belonged. We are naive to believe our kids do not see. They DO and inherently they will mimic what they see in the future. Good or bad relationships develop as children see those that are meant to protect them. ‘Sleepless’…you are a strong, righteous, good, loving, sincere woman. I can tell that by the power of your writing. You made a good decision with your ‘friend’…for now. IF you garner strength and realize your marriage is a facade and you move on, your friend may or may not be a part of your future. BUT….look at it this way. What becomes of your future when you can’t even see it now?

    I have to run but if you read way back to last year, you can clearly see that I went through hell, along with all of you. Today as I stand, there are times when I relapse and drop in pain…numbness. At times I still cannot get over the fact that she walked away. Once gone…they are no longer parts of our lives.

    I wrote this note a long while back as everything ended. In many ways, perhaps it will help you better understand your path. Here you go…hope it doesn’t bore you to tears;

    “My heart…my soul…my very being will forever care about you for as long as I will live. Some people place indelible marks within our lives and leave us forever fulfilled, simply because their presence made living each day meaningful and blessed. I was touched by you in ways that you will never comprehend. I know now that is why that regardless of where we stand today, I could never stop caring about you…ever. If your heart has found peace and a sense of inner contentment now, I am sincerely happy for you. This note is difficult for it is draped with a sorrowful acquiescence that your happiness, at least in part, finds you within the arms of another. So goes the mystery of life and love. I pray to God for peace and serenity. I seek to find a place where I can once again experience the warmth of love for another, similar to the newfound love you have for your man now. I wish I had a crystal ball to see my paths as I move beyond this loss. Regardless of where my life leads, I know that lessons learned through time spent with you will guide me to a proper place.

    God bless all of you. ‘Sleepless’…think about where you stand right now today and ask yourself sincerely…are you going to hurt your children if they come to realize the true worth of life in love and happiness. Robert

  47. thomas August 4, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

    Hi there, i was in a reltionship for about a year and was engaged when basically she told me it was over, i took it really bad and have to say handled it poorly, phoning and texting insults, then i found out a few days after we split she was already seeing someone else and this ripped my heart out, we actually got back for 2 days after we met at a party but she broke it off again leaving me feeling ten times worse, i have tried dating but am always looking at the other girl thinking shes just not her wich isn’t fair on anyone, i know shes out with her new boyfriend not thinking about me and i wish i didn’t care and sometimes i feel like im getting over her and then it hits me and i feel like i cant breathe and im in my own world and everythings in slow motion, i know i will get through this although hard im determined not to let someone who cleary doesn’t care about me or my feelings ruin my life, thank god i found this website as i know there are others like me going through this and have got through this and there is light at the end of a dark tunnel, thank you and hope youse all feel better as quikly as possible. Xxx

  48. Crushed August 4, 2011 at 4:34 am #

    Wow. I can relate to so many of the comments here…. I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 4 years. He is Canadian and I’m from NZ. Well we nearly made it to 4 years. About a week before we got there I couldn’t get hold of him for about 5 days. I was an absolute wreck. I had been having bad dreams about him being with other women(very unlike me). Turns out he got together with his ex girlfriend. She is his sister’s best friend and he dated her about 20 years ago. She left her marriage of 14 years. I met her when I was over there and went to BBQs at her house. I talked to her about him and everything, he has major issues, paranoid about me looking at other men, verbally abusive to me…I know, I know how can I be so gutted? We have been through so much. Anyway, he told me he wanted to be with her. I said I wanted to see him, we hadn’t see each other for a year. I went over for 5 weeks. Everyone thought I was crazy. He told me he wasn’t with her again after that first time, but two days before I flew out he said he had been with her a few times since he told me…how could he do that? Did I mean that little to him? I was going through so much anguish, I truly know the meaning of that word. It has soaked into my cells and my blood and my bones. Meanwhile he was sleeping with her. He lives in the basement suite and his sister lives upstairs…she was staying up there with his sister the whole time. It was crazy. In the end we(me and her) finally had a screaming match and we both found out a few things, turns out he was actually with her the night before I arrived. Those same questions over and over – how could he do that to me? According to her he was telling her the whole time that he wanted to be with her. Just wait for him. Must have ripped her up knowing I was down there with him. Just like it did me when he met her one night and came back and said that he’d told her there was a possibility for them in the future. After that she lost the plot and they ended up falling out. Then we had the screaming match. THEN a week and a half before I was due to come home(just a few weeks after telling her they might have a future)he starts asking when are you coming back? He never once told me how sorry he was for what he had done to me – to us. I only got the obligatory ‘sorry’ when I brought it up. I couldn’t cut it off when I left, but I have been home a month now and two weeks ago today, I told him my heart is broken and I didn’t know how to fix it. I couldn’t trust him. We have not talked since then. I have been thinking of all the excuses in the world to phone him. I still hold my breath when the phone rings. I hate going to sleep. I hate waking up. I can relate to wanting to curl up and just stop existing. Don’t worry I’m not thinking the worst, but you know sometimes I think it’s so sad to exist because everyone else would be sad if I wasn’t here. Isn’t that sad – to stay alive for everyone else? Of course I would never do anything, it’s not what I mean. I would just appreciate so much a break from the non-stop chatter of my mind. I would like to crawl down into the cool dark earth and let it swallow me up. That’s why sleep is a blessing. Until a few seconds after you wake up. Then you remember it all again. So when it comes to this time of night, bed time for me but his morning time and a time when I would usually phone him to say good morning, I find it so hard. If he phoned me now I know I would talk to him. If he came and begged me for a chance and said how sorry he was I would probably try and make it work. How sad is that? We lived alot of our relationship long distance. And do you know, we only went to the movies twice in that whole time, we went on one proper date that I can remember when we first met, he bought me a flower once….we never went dancing together and I love to dance….I know we did alot of other things but when I look back on our relationship….it wasn’t a regular loving one, and I still feel completely devastated. I am not sure the person who thought up that catchy phrase ‘better to have loved and lost than never loved at all’ really know what the bloody hell they were talking about!
    Everything seems to remind me of him. EVERYTHING. I miss him so so much. And he has treated me so appallingly I am sure my friends and family are about to pull their hair out. I know what I would be saying if I was them. Isn’t it easy to forget the bad stuff, and remember the great stuff? It’s torture. I did read one tip on youtube where the guy said to think of 5 different things that weren’t good about your relationship with your ex and focus on that pain when your mind won’t stop dwelling on the good times. It actually kind of works. Sometimes. I have a truckload of bad memories to call up if I am honest. And STILL I pine for this guy. This guy who was so critical of me. Especially my looks, more specifically my weight. But recently he told me I had no ambition(he has been my ambition for the last 4 years. Sad but pretty much true.) He even tried to get me to soften my handshake off a bit(I usually squeeze quite hard cos I hate the feeling of a weak handshake)…he told me one day over there my top was very unflattering because it made my stomach look bigger than my bust. Well you know what? I actually feel better right now. I have such bad mood swings at the moment who knows how long it will last, but bless. I always thought everything in life happens for a reason. I have been really struggling with this, thinking why me, I’m not a bad person – how could I deserve this? In the past no matter what he did I couldn’t let go of him. But I know I couldn’t have lived that life – the ‘take-him-back’ life. I can’t stand the thought of being with anyone else though. Well I think I’ll face my empty bed. Thank you everyone for sharing, and for listening. One day at a time.

  49. time is a healer July 31, 2011 at 3:45 pm #

    Iv just parted from what i though was the love of my life ,its so painfull i know what im suppose to be doing its so difficult ,we have an 11 month old daughter he seems so strong and ok to visit after a week ,i just crumbled and went to peaces when it came to the time of him leaving,im tossing and turning during the night dreading the time he tells me he has meet some one it seems like this stage is taking its time to pass.xx

  50. Sleepless July 31, 2011 at 11:07 am #

    I am a woman in my late thirties with two young teenage children. I married at 23 a man 11 years my senior who has a wonderful reputation and a gentle, kind demeanor…. on the outside. I was attracted to all these attributes. However, after we married i was subjected to a very quiet and lonley life. We have nothing in common, are from different worlds and he has a horrible violent temper at home. But i never saw this during the dating and engagement time. It all surfaced after marriage when he didn’t have to act anymore, but it was too late, i got pregnant on the honeymoon being a virgin.
    As the years passed i grew to love him deeply because overall he is a good man, a good provider, but i was never in love with him. My heart never raced at the sight of him, nor did my face flush, nor did i desire him ever. He was a good person and we were both ready for marriage. Many, many a time I am mistaken for his daughter and this has caused arguments. I feel bad about this but it is not in my hands.
    It has been 15 years now. Last year a friendship developed between another man and I. It began as communication about an issue. As the time passed we continued to ask about each other and talk daily by email. I never planned on it becoming more than a friendship and for the first 5 months it was just that. But then i started to have romanitc feelings for him and he for me. It was like we were hit by a bus realizing we loved each other and the friendship was now an emotional relationship. We began to meet for outings. We spent countless hours talking, laughing and falling in love, something i had never experienced before. We never slept together once. He wished i was his wife, he wished we had met long ago. So many things we said to eachother. But i never planned on leaving my husband for him or ruining my childrens lives, not becasue i don’t love him, only becasue i cannot hurt my family. Throughout the year we tried to leave each other, but he always came back to me. He is my friend my “soul mate” and the one i should have married. I did get all those butterfly feelings when i saw him that i never experienced with my husband. I am trapped in my misery. It has been three months since our last meeting. And for the first time ever, i went cold turkey and stopped the communication a month ago. Take my advice. This was the best thing i had done. You cannot stay friends. It is an excuse to keep him in your life. He says he left me to protect me from ruining my life and my childrens. He is right. And i left him becasue i am sacrificing for my family. We both are mature and know what has to be done. But cold turkey would be easy if he was out of sight….he is my neighbor and has been for the past 5 years and there was never anything between us before the friendship began. He is a part of our lives. What to do? I wish he would move away. But i love him.

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