I was once told that if you are not on the right path in your life (job, marriage, etc.), the universe will tap you on the shoulder. This tap is received in the form of clues like your boss being difficult or fighting with your mate. If you ignore the tap on the shoulder, you will receive an even stronger nudge such as warnings about your job performance or a betrayal in the relationship. If you continue to ignore the messages, you’ll eventually get a kick in the gut.
Your heart being broken is a kick in the gut. It is painful and unwelcome, but the universe is telling you it has a different plan for you – another life experience for you to embrace. At this point, your instincts may tell you that you are not ready to read this article. I think you should. This post is about change.
I want to explain to you how to embrace the current change in your life. If you pick up any book, visit any site, or talk to any relationship expert about getting over break up, change is generally the last step offered, if at all. Stages like denial, anger, tears, blame, bargaining, and realization are addressed first. However, if you set your sight towards the change to come early in the process (now), you will open yourself up to the healing process.
Let’s begin with any indications that you had that your relationship was not working. For those of you who were taken by complete surprise or found the break up to be a shock - please dig deep. Discontent in a relationship, even from one side, leaves clues. Think of the reasons he or she gave you, reflect on changes such as distance or varied behavior, and try to answer the questions below.
- What clues did you have that your relationship wasn’t working?
- Why does this break up – this change – seem so difficult?
- What are your greatest fears after the break up?
Making major life modifications can be grueling. Breaking up is an especially thorny path as you may long for what you once had and endure the challenge of loneliness. Yet, all the adversity associated with change is simply different variations of one thing: fear. There is the fear you will not meet someone else, that you may never love again, of going home to an empty house, of how you will feel if he or she starts dating someone else, of raising kids on your own and many more. Start addressing your fears by writing them down. In this, you can begin to overcome them.
Next, start making small physical changes. Has anyone ever told you to move your furniture around or get a hair cut after a break up? This advice may have seemed ineffectual at the time, yet making these small adjustments elevates your acceptance towards change. Change takes practice. If you mix up little things in your life, making other transformations becomes easier. In fact, making changes can even take on a healthy momentum. Start small – move a piece of furniture, highlight your hair, get new sheets for the bed. If this seems challenging, start smaller. Stand in the mirror and say, “I going through a life transformation and I was born with the inner strength to get through this.”
- What small change can you make today?
Finally, let’s look at past history of change in your life. The purpose of this is to show you that changes you have feared in the past have often ended in a soft landing. In fact, many times life changes produce an opportunity for something better. Think of a time you’ve had to make a change that scared you. Some examples are starting at a new school, changing a job, moving to another city, having a child, or even a past break up. Think of that past situation and answer the questions below.
Questions about past change:
- What was a past change in your life that you initially feared?
- How did you anticipate that change would affect your life?
- What was the greatest thing you feared about that change?
- After you made the change, how long did it take you to adjust?
- What benefit has that change had in your life?
- If you could go back, what would you have told yourself to quell your initial fears?
Believe it or not, by reading this post and answering these questions, you have already begun to embrace your change. If you are hurting from your break up, check out the Step to Heal program. Many have found this to truly have helped them through this difficult time.