In Love and Heartbreak, Age Matters

dreams

For someone who writes about relationships, it is pretty risky to make the statement that age matters; however, I believe in speaking the truth. I also believe in voicing the concerns of the those that visit this site. From this vantage point and with respect to love and heartbreak, age definitely matters.

Here is the reason why: we each have a grand plan for our life based on age. It goes something like this:

•    In my teens, I’ll get into a good college or get a good job.
•    In my early twenties, my career will start to take off.
•    By my mid-twenties, I will meet the person of my dreams.
•    In my thirties, I will be married and have 2.2 beautiful children.
•    In my forties, I’ll be running the company for which I’ve been working.
•    In my fifties, I’ll reflect back on my life and my grown children and smile.
•    In my sixties, I’ll retire and travel the world.

Sound familiar? Give or take a few years and interchange a couple of details and these types of age confined dreams are quite universal. So what happens when things don’t go as expected? What happens when instead of two kids in our thirties, we end up with our heart in two pieces? We feel broken; not only is our heart shattered, so too is our self-perception.

It is critical to understand that the pain one feels after a break up is only partially due to the separation from our mate. What causes equal, if not greater agony, is dealing with our crushed dreams. Our dream to be a certain age and have accomplished certain things has been stolen. To overcome the challenge of heartbreak based on age related fears, we must face them head on.

Fear: I’m getting older and will be alone. So you are 35 or 45 or [insert your age] and you are alone. You are scared. This is natural. Many people have a fear of aging – period. Heck, the entire beauty industry thrives on our distaste of aging. When you mix the panic of being alone with an aversion of getting older, the combination results in a very potent fear.

Hope: On this website there are thousands of visitors (no exaggeration) in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and yes, 60s that are looking to get over an old love in order to find a new one. You are not alone. The times have changed and people are looking to be in a healthy, loving relationship. As such, there is no dearth of available men and women. After you have gone through the stepped process for recovery and you are ready, you will begin dating again. Regardless of your age or whether you have had it in the past, true love will find you.

Fear: I am damaged goods. Almost all of us have had experiences which have left us feeling less than perfect; however, they are experiences, not who you are. I have always been puzzled by the statement, “I am divorced.” If this is your situation, remember, it is not a I am statement, it is an I have gone thru statement. No one is fundamentally flawed – especially not those who work actively to heal their wounds.

Hope: Absorb the power provided by an example. Find someone around you who has triumphed over adversity in their life. Find someone who has been dealt an unexpected hand and turned it around to their benefit. Ask them to tell you their story. If you don’t see anyone that fits the bill in your immediate surroundings, pick up a Chicken Soup for the Soul book and read hundreds of inspiring stories. You will find that people do not become their bad experiences, rather they work through them and come out stronger. So will you.

Fear: This just was not supposed to happen to me at this age! This is a negative idea that races through the minds of many who endure a break up. The thought is rooted in the break from your grand life plan. Remember, you created that plan, but the universe has something better in store.

Hope: I have never, ever seen a case where someone who has embraced the changes in their life did not end up happier. You will too. Keep in mind that your past relationship(s) were not a waste of time. For many, they provided growth, sometimes beautiful children, and although it may not seem so, some good memories. Everything that has happened has made you who you are today and ahead awaits an even greater experience.

Remember: Please, please, please do not restrict your dreams. Your visions do not wish to be bound- especially to the confines of age. Paul Gaugin didn’t start painting til his mid-forties, Granda Moses in her seventies, Charles Darwin published his first book in his fifties, and Colonel Sanders founded KFC in his sixties. Age only matters if we allow it to matter. Dream bigger. Dream brighter. Set your dreams free today.

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580 thoughts on “In Love and Heartbreak, Age Matters

  1. After two failed marriages, met what I THOUGHT was finally my soul mate. Didn’t seem to matter to either of us, he was nine years younger than me. He was so showing me so much love mentally as well as physically. However after so much wonderful, he left the relationship with no warning. Claiming age issue. He found someone younger than him and she made him happier. This has been a pain I can’t even describe and get past. I’m now going through feelings like I’m too old for true love and not good enough. Was this a good reason for him to leave, just an excuse? Age didn’t matter for so long……

  2. Please pray for me ….to heal my broken heart and saddness …A female that had pancretic cancer challenged me for my engagement on her WordPress blog with the one man….I love the most…out of all the guys I’ve been with ..She crazily slandered and bullied me..dishonoring my family name. She told everyone that I was a psychopath path and I was crazy ..but the desperate female that was married lured herself into my relationship when I was having tons of problems with my boyfriend that I was supposed to marry…Before I dated him I had taken out four student loans ..then I took out another four just for him and his family …Sadly my beloved was seen at the alter with a 28 year old female with pancretic cancer luring him down the wrong path in life. It’s amazing how jealous people can take a hold of your life and damage your faith structure and family strategies through prayers…This woman got on her blog and ask for tons of people to pray for her long term happiness for a full term cancer recovery. Any way, in return I was left in debt with a broken heart and my family think and friends distance d their selves from me because they think I’m crazy…..I have absolutely no money at all to do what I need to do to get situated because the female told people I needed to be in a psychopath clinic for having a broken heart and being sad over my situation..

    • Also this female doesn’t fully understand the magnitude of what she did. I was living in Las Vegas with family but my mother moved away and my other two sisters I didn’t have a relationship with. I was all by myself if Vegas living in a homeless shelter hoping and praying for a break through. But in return nothing happened I got hired somewhere and as soon as I started working good my sister were having relationship problems and my mother begged me to go after her so I lost my spot at the shelter and didn’t stay at my job very long. Honestly would recover alone but I’m not able to I toss in turn at night hoping and praying that the Lord up above grants a deliverance.

      • And the saddest part about this is that I’m tremendously in debt. My pay checks too low to afford a place to live and eat …not to mention three times the rent.

        • Don’t think you are alone. Everything will fall in place. Feel free to get in touch with me. I’ll be there to provide you with emotional support.

        • My heart breaks for you, Tia! I had the misfortune to fall in love with a much younger man who swore up and down he could be trusted. Ha! NOT! He will find life difficult without my help because i am totally cutting him out of my life as of this evening even though I love him alot. I had a strong feeling it would all blow up in my face as it did. I do hope your situation has improved since you wrote the above entry! You deserve only the best! My “man” is 25 years younger than I (I am 64. The loss i am feeling at present rivals the sorrow I felt when my 65 year old long time boyfriend died just before my birthday. I have had utterly no luck with men my whole life romantically, but I have a wonderful son who restores my faith/trust in men because right now, I feel that NO man can EVER be trusted! 🙁

  3. My story is crazy. I fell for a couple worker 25 years younger than me ( I’m 60). In fact he was the one who chased me for a few months & I ended up calling for his game. He was already seeing another co-worker 12 year older than him. He insisted she inly was an intimate friend but I knew they were together all the time . We had many conflicts at work & he ended up dumping me and asked me not to contact him again. I was in a message & couldn’t get over the break up as I was seeing him every day at work. After a month of no contact I desperately sent him a long message saying that I understood his decisions but that I would still cherish him forever. He ignored the message & I am now so ashamed & so embarrassed especially that i work with him & will have to put up with this cruel feeling . I don’t know how to handle this obsession I have of him & this embarrassment I put myself in .

  4. This might sound stupid and I’ve never done this before so bear with me. I very recently broke up with my gf after 3 years. And I’ve taken it harder than I ever expected. Was quite a volatile relationship, we’d argue a fair bit but we’re also Very loving and passionate. Anyway it’s broken down after one too many dramas without going into details. Im rational enough to know that it’s probably beyond saving but the urgh to do that and have her back in my life is clouding my every waking thought. I it’s almost involuntary yhe thinking about it and I can’t switch it off. Drinking me bonkers. Why, when I know it’s all wrong should be done am I so drawn to go back? And how can I break this cycle of thinking about it.

    • You’re not a lone. I want to still be in my relationship so badly. Six years together. And I don’t know about you, but 2 months have passed and I continue to miss him; I love/loved him. He’s a narcissist though. I can not allow him back into my life and my brain knows that. But my heart wants what it wants. So now, I only allow him space in my head one day a week and for one hour. And I force him out of my head the rest of the time. Or I try. It’s getting better. Not easier, but I don’t seem to cry as much.
      Keep on trying. Eventually you’ll retrain your brain. I’m. Counting on it.

  5. I am 46 year old woman and had a long distance relationship for over a year with a man Age 50 – speaking 4-6 hours every day on the phone/video for over a year. Making future plans together in great detail, sold all I had to leave the USA to go to the U.K. To be with him . Shipped the rest of my belongings to him over a 8 month period. After two weeks of being with him, I wake up one morning to all his stuff gone and then followed up by a phone call telling me “I just don’t love you”. Mind you that we did have a two week holiday months ago and it was fantastic. I am completely devistated as I now have no home to go back to. This is completely tragic !!!

    • I am 46 year old too and was married for 23 years. My husband travel because of work for 13 years while I waited home. This last December he asked me for divorce by text. I fell so broken.

  6. Sometimes we feel more alone not because we really are but because we compare ourselves with other people who seem to be so very happy with their lives. But the truth is, we all have problems and none of us have perfect lives. We will always have regrets and heartaches. But what’s important is to do what we can with what we have today. We can begin again. It may not be easy, it may even be painful! But slowly, ever so awkwardly, we move on.

  7. I recently met and fell hard for a woman that was perfect for me. And I was actually perfect for her too (at least that’s what she said). I’m 60 years old but I look like I’m maybe 40 or 45 at the oldest. I am in great shape and generally have been dating women much younger than me, but hadn’t really dated anyone for 6 years or so. I had had my heart broken and I guess I had just put up a wall and shut myself off from dating or any other kind of relationships with women . I was perfectly happy living my life alone with my work and other distractions. It is just so hard to find women my age that don’t look like my grandmother and I am tired of dating younger women because there’s no future in it. Ok. Call me shallow but I’m just not going to date women that look ancient. I noticed one day that I received about 20 or so emails on match.com which I had a profile on for quite a long time. Out of curiosity I renewed my account and only one of the messages sparked my interest. A 52-year-old woman that does CrossFit, is in amazing incredible shape, beautiful, divorced with no kids. So I emailed her back. It turned out that she had gone out with some other guy she met on match because it took me a few weeks to respond to the mail but she wanted to meet anyway.

    So we met. And instantly there was a ton of chemistry between us. We had dinner then we made out in her car for an hour or so before we parted ways. Long story short we went out the next two weekends as well and I slept with her both weekends and we kept pretty much in constant contact from the beginning. It was awesome and I know she really really liked me and actually was falling in love with me just as I was with her. Then out of the blue she texts me and says she has decided she needs to choose between me and the other guy and for whatever reason she chose him. And she hasn’t even slept with him or at least so she had told me. I was devastated. I still feel that way and it’s been over a month now. Perhaps this sounds totally stupid, but I just can’t imagine ever meeting another woman that could be so perfect for me. She really was one in 1 million. Believe me, I’ve been searching for this woman for nearly 20 years. Honestly I don’t even feel like ever dating again at this point. I’m very wary and guarded when it comes to relationships. I don’t fall in love easily it’s a very rare thing for me but when it happens it tends to happen quickly as in this case.

    I really don’t expect to hear any answers to this situation, because there really aren’t any. I suppose writing it all out his therapeutic to some extent. It’s just that this time being dumped has put me into the blackest hole that I’m finding so hard to climb out of. And on top of that my cat is quickly approaching the end of her life and I feel terrible about that as well. She is pretty awesome and she’s been with me for almost 20 years now. I know it’s unrelated but it just adds to the whole depressing situation. Injust hope I can start feeling better soon. It seems like just a month ago the future was so bright and I had everything going for me and now it all seems so meaningless… sigh.

  8. Real true love came very easy back in the good old days which today unfortunately it is a totally different story.

  9. I’m 43 been in love 3 time in my life. The pain is the same in every case I wish it wasn’t. This last one we were in a relationship she was a widow I fell for her hard but emotionally she’s still in love with her husband I understand that I just hope someday she can learn to love someone else. I had dreams and so did she of a future together we were just at 2 different places in the relationship

  10. Why at 53 men only want a “friend” not a committed relationship? I feel like such a fool. My trust, I opened myself only to be fooled and hurt. I don’t know if I will recover.

    • I know exactly how you feel. I was alone for almost my entire 40s, dared to try dating.. finally met someone and after a year of building a relationship marked by many dramatic leave takings and returns on his part (began after talking commitment at 6 mos. mark, engagement ring at 10 mos. mark), he has after just over a year called it quits again.
      These past months have shown me that he is unable to commit. He may want to, but obviously hasn’t been able. But knew from the getgo that was what I wanted, said he wanted. Know he loves me, and we were a great match, but..yep.

    • I’m sorry to hear about your hurt Darlene. Its been a few months and I hope it’s gotten better. I know a lot of these articles mean well but they are not a solution for what goes on at our age. Since a lot of men find themselves single in their early 50s, they don’t want to get emotionally involved. Especially after heartbreak. After years of trust and fidelity with one woman they also want to explore their new life thinking they have all these options. After a few months or years they realize that single life is not all that its cracked up to be and they want to find love again.
      This article doesn’t address the fallout of that. At least know that you aren’t alone in this

    • Dear Darlene,
      Chin up. I’m at the same position. I’m 40, my 56 years old ex just stop talking to me. I’m hurt beyond. Need a closure some how. Try to be happy. Chin up.

    • Darlene,

      I’m sorry you’ve experienced such disappointment. Not all men are “looking for a friend”. There are a good number who want to love and care for the person in our lives. Many are apprehensive, however. After experiencing betrayal after betrayal, most add a few extra filters. I’m newly experiencing this new status and despite the fact that I would love to have someone to encourage me; give me something to look forward to; who I could please and make her bumps and bruises less painful and show her that I could make her feel things she had forgotten – I am apprehensive and still angry over being betrayed.

      Don’t give up! Just try to go in to every experience without expectations and let the other person know that they will need to chase you around the playground a little – you aren’t the one who’s required to do the chasing. Many times it comes down to chemistry, between people and it can be scary If one feels like the person across from them is looking a them like prey.

      Not being critical, just sharing the things I’ve heard from many friends who have gone thru these trials. I lost everything, after having my wealth and my heart taken out the back door, while I was oblivious and comfortable: too comfortable. I could easily find myself expecting wealthy women to fight over me, but, at this point in life, I don’t put as much emphasis on wealth and material things. I’m entering the years in which I will be spending more time by myself or with someone who I find is worthy of my time.

      Don’t sell yourself short or beat yourself because someone may not be interested in a long term adventure. Look at your expectations and where type meeting these people.

    • I did the same thing I fell In Love but he did t ove me. and then I’m 67 he is going to be 61 and we had a really fun time together and we got along really well we never fight then all of a sudden he decided he was going to be moving to Arizona where he owns a house and I’m not part of the picture. I hate to say I’m heartbroken but I am. I Fell in love with him but I didn’t plan to I can I just wanted to be friends but then it just turned into something else. He came over every day and called me every day texted me every day. And then he decided in the end it wasn’t for him. So cruel I can understand he doesn’t love me but my hurt me hurt me three times I don’t even feel like going on.

    • Hello Darlene,
      I to have been played a fool by someone I thought would never hurt me at my age….58!
      We were together for 5 years of living together and knowing him from high school and his family , then one day without a warning he dumped me! Told me not to come back to the apartment we shared, I was at my house I was in the process of selling!…..with no explanation on his part! He said it was beyond explanation……!
      What the hell….??? That was 10 months ago and no contact…. I am left with a pain beyond words…. won’t talk or text or email me back!
      I would like to know how to get though the pain?
      How are you doing? At this age I am not sure what to do? Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated…..thank you for your time

    • I was to be married this past August.She Broken engagement Valentines day, I miss her and want her back no communication from her since my birthday. Apri 7 the When I was on Tour Of Duty on a ship I wrote long love letter thanking her & she replied backshe told me she didn’t want anything from me it’s going to take time and just be her friend. I’m a mess.Its terrible for me and I hope To heal up.and just had Rotor cuff surgery 3 week ago & alone. I’m 56 . I try to get on with my life.Made mistakes but no infedlity. I just pray & Hopefully God will bless this to His Glory.. I’m having a hard time I feel like you. Thanks

    • Dear Darlene,

      54 year old men get treated the same way, we give all, unconditionally, but feel that trust has been taken, trashed and have been used.

      What I am trying to say is that society and expectation are changed so dramatically we just need to use modern social media and you can find happiness. There are loads of 50 something men out there having experienced the same and feeling the same. However, knowing that there are like minded men who have had the same experience, grown from it and become better not destroyed, is hope. There is partnership, full emotional & physical, not just freindship out there for 50 year old seperate/divorced people. This has, undoubtedly always has been case, but previously no acknowledged way of openly finding each other.

      There is no shame for you in a now “failed or rejected relationship”, what ever age. Your pride has been dented but not your spirit. Use the social media and dating sites – look for a perfect match. I am just one such man starting on that Journey and hope is such a powerful medicine.

    • Hi Darlene,

      I feel you. I myself at 45 fell for a 63 year old guy. Thought everything was going well until he decided that we should be friends only as the age gap was really a major block for him. It hurts as I was genuine with my feelings and would go through anything with him. I can’t do anything now but to try to move on and mend this broken heart of mine.

  11. I still don’t understand what i need to do.Here is a lady who rejected me when i first approached her and when i walked away she came back in my life admitting she loved me but wanted to test if i loved her that much as to cling on her….Apparently she is a shy lady,but even though she is shy i dont concure with her behabiour….every time she sees me she hides her face or even runs away…what brought me to a hault is when she invited me over but instead of coming to where i was she ran off .later she texts me severaly claiming she was shy

  12. I still don’t understand what i need to do.Here is a lady who rejected me when i first approached her and when i walked away she came back in my life admitting she loved me but wanted to test if i loved her that much as to cling on her….Apparently she is a shy lady,but even though she is shy i dont concure with her behabiour….every time she sees me she hides her face or even runs away…what brought me to a hault is when she invited me over but instead of coming to where i was she ran off with.

  13. Hi, im a 30year old male recently seperated with a 45year old woman of 2years. I would like to win her back we broke due to1. She says she could not cope her Christianity is against it.
    2. I may have blown it because i tried too hard to show ger Im not bothered and that age is nothing.
    3. I also had a sort of breakdown cose I cried infront of her.

    How do i win her back?

  14. People always talk about forgiveness like it’s ours to grant. I’ve forgiven him but I’m not the only one who has to forgive him. Forgiving him has not set me free. Like the article said I was at this stage of my life where I was looking forward to traveling but I don’t have a travel partner now. Because he said so many bad things about me to others he ended up getting most of the friends or all of the friends that we had. Yes I forgive him but that doesn’t really put my life back together.

    • Forgiveness takes time. Sometimes we think we have found true forgiveness when we really haven’t. You will find true peace when you find true forgiveness. I thought at one time I had forgiven my spouse of 32 years when he had his 2 affairs. Not so but now I know I have because I can put it all behind me. I can truly say that I have because my heart tells me so. One day your heart will tell you so too and you will find that you can move on and put it all behind you and it will never hurt you like before again. Hope this was helpful.

  15. I haven’t been on the site for awhile,however,it seems people are still walking in to emotional destruction with eyes wide open. Look,every human wants the same things;to be valued,respected,honored,loved,appreciated,needed…all emotional needs.
    Before we begin to seek someone else to fill a void that we desperately want, why do we not realize that in relationships you Are going to be hurt,You will get your heart broken,and there will be times you ask yourself how in the world did I get in this mess?
    Sometimes,we get into abusive relationships that so break our spirit,that we buy into the lies that we deserve exactly what we get,so we stay and become beaten,raped,demeaned (by the person who once said I love you). It doesn’t matter what others think,it matters whether you want to live or just continue a life of existence.To learn that before you can give love you must be able to love yourself enough to admit sometimes when we want something so badly,we will accept any behavior including abusive behavior in relationships. Learning to love yourself,be willing to acknowledge there will be lonely times, the alternative to a life of the cycle of abuse, not trusting your own decisions,and isolation to the degree if despair that Suicide becomes your minds companion. Being betrayed,Yes,it hurts but you never can go forward in life driving a parked car. Shacking up,giving yourself to the first person because you believe this will help keep that person” only yours”- why buy the cow,when you can get the milk free? /anytime we break moral laws,believing what you are looking for you will find without commitment, the only way to find what you really are seeking,you first must learn to love yourself as only God can teach you.
    How can you or anyone give away what they don’t possess? I am sure your pain is deeply ingrained,to involve yourself with someone only separated-(unless divorce papers-they are still married) a guy who’s on the prowl will tell you whatever you want to hear. You think you’re dying,you’re probably so convinced because you believe what you tell yourself,if you’re depressed,there is help and hope. God feeds the birds,but HE doesn’t shove the worms down their throats,they have to seek the worms. If you want to feel different,change the way you think,talk and how you see yourself.
    Before you decide your first broken heart is grounds for suicide just think:
    SUICIDE:A permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life hurts. Roses are beautiful flowers,however,they also have thorns and depending whether you acknowledge the thorns,knowing they can inflict pain if not properly respected; we can realize much about life and love if we stop,think before we jump.
    Remember;You can only give to others what is within,before you hunger for someone in your life,make sure you are willing to accept the responsibility of total commitment in a lifetime relationship.

  16. So i decided to taket a step further with a Girl i know and she said that she only liked me as a friend and i have never loved someone so Hard so i am going to kill myself what shall i do i want to die silently and all of my friends are fake your thoughts please answer fast

  17. I am 62 years old and three years ago I had a relationship end. Most intimate and satisfying since my divorce in 2002

    When she broke it off she did it with an email.
    Refused to talk to me.

    After three years she contacts me and says she wants to make amends. But when I asked her to clarify some things she just said she was sorry. Told how much to me and how she broke up me devastated me. I have had a hard time getting over it and this tore me up again,

    • You never got over her. Though physical time passed..emotional scars take longer to heal.
      I was in a relationship for five years, some good memories some I would rather forget.
      A couple of months ago I asked him out to dinner. He was stuffy at first, then relaxed. We had one more dinner than he said he was ..busy.
      You cannot go back in time and change things…not explain why they happened. We are in the here and now..and though hard to believe we will heal. Remember you enjoyed something at one time..but now things have changed.
      It truly is better to love and lost..then never have loved at all!

  18. I am 62 years old and three years ago I had a relationship end. Most intimate and satisfying since my divorce in 2002

    When she broke it off she did it with an email.
    Refused to talk to me.

    After three 5

  19. It sounds like to me she didn’t want to deal with your health issues. Not only that it was a king distance relationship and unfortunately,you haven’t really known what was goi g one with her. I can relate to a certain extent. My ex broke my heart so completely I never thought I would recover. I already had health issues when we were together. The stress of the breakup (and other problems with my business did me I . I always felt no one would want me due to my health. After 7 long years I finally open.ed up to a guy I had known all my life but had never been interested in. We started nhanging out as friends and it lead to more. He was very good to me and I thought he accepted my chronic illness. Although, he never tried to educate himself on it. We had been dating for 6 months and he kept saying maybe wabout me. He said he was not ready for a relationship. e shouldn’t ruin a good friendship. From my point of vie you are more than friends when you’ve been spending a lot of time together and sleeping together. I had been wanting to talk to him for weeks to findddout wherame we stood. One nice were in bed and I asked him how he felt about me and he let me know in no uncertain terms that he was not ‘ready for a relationship” he was mad because he wanted sex @ the time. He kicked me out of his house at 3am. It was freezing cold and it took me ten minutes to find up me keys because I couldn’t see. I saw him two weeks later and I thought we could at least be friend.s. I wanted to remain friend because we were going to try to do some real estate deals together. I text him twice in the next week or so got veery little responselems with men and he had been so I just was not coming to contact him again. He text me a few days later and I told him how confusing the whole situation had been, how I had trusted him and that I thought I could have always countelemsmd on him as a friensd. He wrote me a terrible response. Saying he didn’t know friendship had so many guidelines and that as a friend he thoug I had major problems with Menander that he had be unfairly carictorizedand was a victim! By far, most confusing situation I’ve ever been in. Another broken heart @56. I let somebody I after 7 years and he totally fooled me. I do not want to be a “man hater” but it’s hard it to be bitter and wonder if I’m destined to be alone all my life. Apologies for all the typos- my keyboard is messed up and I can’t go back and correct.

  20. I just told my boyfriend am pregnant and he called me a freak and says he never want to see me again. I am 35 and trying to kick start a business so am not particularly financially secured at the moment but I don’t want to loose out of this chance to bring a child to the world since I am beginning to give up on the idea of love. I live in Nigeria so that puts another pressure on having a child outside wedlock

  21. Your heart is broken,so you have two options.continue to allow yourself to have a pity party…or realize you have a chance to think..yes,with your brain…what lessons could. I learn from. the. Horrible. Pain that. Wants to hold me ft growing. And. Going. Forward.

    Until. You can. Acknowledge. that. YES,I was hurt …I didn’t. like it..you. must. Identify the. real. issue. before. You are able to deal with it…

    What. You. will not want to hear is…You Have to FORGIVE WHOMEVER IT WAS THAT BROKE YOUR HEART ❤. FORGIVENESS is. THE ONLY WAY to have freedom and healing that really lasts.
    When. You. wait for. the person to admit they were wrong,you might have to wait a lifetime,because. some people who hurt us think it doesn’t matter.

    Everyone needs a hero,be your own,learn to be bigger than the small minded people who don’t care if they walked all over your heart ❤ Forgive,let it go,(everytime you give thought to the wrong you replay and give strength to the. Negative behavior)
    Remember,you can overcome anything if you want to …or you can become a perpetual victim! It’s. Up to you. The person that hurt you. Has moved on,whysit in yesterday’s. Self-pity?

    • Sounds oh so insightful, but my heart isn’t paying attention to all the common sense my brain is being fed. The man I love dumped me years ago because of my family dynamics (as he called it). I felt like damaged goods. A year and a half later he showed up to church with a new woman. My heart broke all over again. It hurts as I type this. I cannot stop crying. I’m reading all these pieces if advice and my heart feels horrible – like it was just yesterday that he dumped me. I’m so embarrassed to be alone at church with him and the woman he has chosen to care about. I feel horrible. Words of advice are not helping…

    • I have been in love with my best friend for 52 years. I married someone else and was married for 27 years but he always had my heart. My husband and I divorced but 10 years before my friend had reconnected but we knew we would not let it bust up our families.
      My friend divorced because of totally differet reasons and so did i years later and our children were grown enough that we were able to be together but not really together. he wanted to keep the romance a secret from his children because he feared it would scar them. I went along with it because It did not matter t me as long as we were together.
      We are both grandparents now and have no one to lean to but each other and I know he loves me but i don’t see him wanting to sacrifice his family knowing about us. I got really upset and threw a fit 2 weeks ago and when I did I realised that we are in two different relationships. With not many more years for us I feel like we should not be obligated to whqt our kids think.I know that is not going to change.
      Reading the things people are saying about facing it and moving forward etc is just not something I can see myself doing because even when I was married this man had my heart so completely. being with him I was complete and now I am not. I can not imagine a day without him because he is a part of every inch of my body and my mind. I don’t want to live without him and i just don’twant to live..I see nothing beyond him.
      Any advice

      • I do understand what you are saying. I broke off a seven year relationship with a guy that cheated on me with prostitutes and drug addicts. I didn’t hurt like I am hurting now. I dated this guy after 2 months of being single. He was my protector, provider, lover, and friend. Because he is my ex boyfriend’s cousin my my family talked badly of us. I am 58 years old he is 61 and my grown children didn’t like it. My mother and siblings didn’t like it and all of them let it be known. My ex is his cousin and he told him not to date me because of my overprotective sons. He didn’t head his warnings and we did date and we’re in love. His family accepted me with open arms, but mine was so judgemental they reminded me their cousins you can’t do that. Eventually he decided to break it off with me to avoid any possible confrontation with my family. I am completely broken, past 3 days I have cried a river, sleeping is non-existent. The pain is unbareable as it feels like it’s engulfed my entire being. I am devastated this is a hard one to get over, I love him so much. He did all the right things, he wanted me for 3 years and when my relationship ended with my ex he then let his feelings be known. I felt vibrant, alive, and most of all loved completely. Thanks all gone, like a puff of smoke and everyone that was non supportive is living their lives and I’m broken the love of my life is gone and I’m so internally heartbroken.

  22. these words really help to understand,, it takes time to get over the idea of moving on ,it is diferent now not like when you started dating so buckle your your seat belt and go for the ride. good luck

  23. I fell in love with a guy 15 years younger than me,it was all games from the very beginning,he played me he lied to me,be careful who you give your heart to.

      • The not so subtle attempt to lay blame on linnietea really doesn’t strike me as fair. There are certainly May December relationships that work. Why assume “he was a player”?

      • Don’t be ageist. I feel for someone 16years older, best relationship to date- but it he was anxious about me switching him for someone younger. It broke my heart actually- because it was run by ego.

      • I dont understand what age has to do with love? There was no mistake she fell in love period. You dont pick someone from the crowd and say I am going to full in love with you today. Love is unconditional?

    • My lady is 50, and left me for a man 13 yrs my junior, it has killed me,
      I hope he’s doing exactly what your younger man did! There’s nothing wrong
      With me either, I look like Micky Rourke, the good version.

    • Me, too. It ended 3 months ago and I am devastated, still. I went through a divorce and had other long term relationships… he was my second longest… and I really do think that it is hitting me so hard precisely because of my age. And I do love myself, always have, always will. My self esteem is shot at the moment and I have decided I do not want another relationship. I don’t want to grow old alone, either. I have no children. I am comfortable with my own company. I just didn’t think it would be this way. I really loved that guy — still do. I feel such tenderness towards him, even though his leaving me was so painful. Hurts more than the other men in my life. I know with time, the memory will be more and more distant, but the memory will not stop hurting.

  24. My ex moved far away with our 1 year old daughter who lit up my life like the 4th of July. 1800 miles away and through family court and many other very hurtful spiteful actions against me. Four years later I feel like I’m dying. I am dying. I sleep all the time I can’t feel any happiness and have ended up alone. My soul cries every day, I wake up crying, I miss my daughter so bad. So bad so bad so bad! :'(

    • My Goodness I know how you feel,one step at a time my friend,one breath at a time,first accept the things that has happen,next constantly reach out to your daughter even if you send cards in the mail,it will allow some type of connection for you.Most importance pray,do all you can to get your desires met concerning your daughter.

  25. You wont believe my story as its so complicated but ill try my best to share it. I met an amazing man on line 2 years ago and completely fell for him. True love. when we met he told me he had been separated for 8 months from his wife of 12 years, mainly because she wanted a baby and he couldn’t have children. I already have a daughter so I accepted this fate. At the beginning I asked him if he still loved his wife and to his reply was, no. I will always care about her but he would never go back. Things blossomed and he eventually said he felt love for me. However after 5 months his wife announces she is coming back to their marital home. I found this so hard to deal with but he reassured me and came to live with me. Unfortunately this didn’t reassure me as it gave him the opportunity to call home whenever he liked, to grab post or fix jobs ect It gets worse….he goes out to his local a few times and ends up at his house for the night whilst im going out of my mind. Eventually this stops, however out of the blue he disappears for a whole week and calls me to tell me his wife had a baby (not his but another mans) I know this is true as I would have been pregnant by now. So for 10 months he has lied to me and hidden this secret. I asked him if she came home with a new baby in hope that he would become a father figure? But he repeatedly said no. Bearing in mind my daughter now calls him step-dad! from then on I had very little trust in his feelings for me, especially when I find out he took he car shopping and when i’ve asked about getting a divorce and selling his house he becomes shifty in his behaviour. Id had enough in November and told him enough was enough, sent him packing. He goes back home (apparently staying in the boxroom)? and starts to txt he cant bear the thought of not having me in his life and that with his wifes permission hes going to put the house up for sale. At this point im getting sucked back in and really believe him so I agree to see him at weekends. Then just before Christmas he gives up his job which I kind of think is to bide the time he has in selling. I flipped. He’d not gone home since Christmas and it was now the second week of jan, and there I am as always paying for food and bills, whilst he helps pay half a mortage! I told him what kind of future do we have if he still wants to keep everything with his x? Id had enough and told him to go home for good and not to come back.
    He has txt me to ask if I would send him photos of our holiday and that he loves me and misses me?

    Although I ended it, my heart is totally broken. I thought he wanted me but I don’t think he can let go of his past, weather or not its sexual, hes struggling to separate his past.

    What do you guys think to my story, I would appreiciate honest feedback, even if its negative towards me.
    Thankyou x

    • Your story is so painfully hey and hope you can recover and find the right man. For the sake of your daughter because while you trying to find Mr right you gonna have to interact with maybe 3 or 4 guys and the lil one can adopt that men are suppose to be changed

    • You did the right thing! But you don’t sound open to giving yourself a new chance with someone else. It’s very hard to let go of dreams when they seemed so close! But the anxiety of it all is enough to drive you crazy. You need someone detached and 100 per cent for you! This guy is being sucked in because another man couldn’t live up to his responsibility and that woman just knew she’d get a baby By way she could! Too much drama. He has one foot in the past and one in the future and pissing on today! Good writtens!

    • Hi, I am sorry to hear your story. I am in the same shoe as you are. My girlfriend also left me after this year Halloween. I had help her for the last two years and left me for another. Yes, I was devastated and angry but life move on for the better. Everything happen for a reason. Let me ask you a question. Just think back into your past. Have you ever did anything to hurt or make someone suffer. If you did then there is your answer.

    • You got exactly what you deserved as far as I’m concerned. He was married and you were fully aware of this when you got involved. Separated is not the same thing as divorced no matter how you try to spin it. How dare you allow your daughter to call a married man step dad or anything else for that matter. Way to set a great example! Now you’re on a website looking for sympathy. Well, you don’t get any from me

    • It’s normal for you not to be ready for another man yet and you are right to not let him back in after his lies, Once someone lies and you discover the truth (and this was a whopper of a lie), you are wise not to go back with him. He may be vascilating or wanting to have the best of both worlds and using you to get his wife back and using her to make her realize that she has a chance of losing him, He is a game player. Now I have been accused of this when my daughter published photos of me on vacation with her and a long time male friend by my ex and his sister but that was NOT the case. My daughter published it on her FB and tagged me before I knew how that worked 4 or 5 years ago. That scenario is totally different from this one but apparently that is why he came back to me but we had been in a relationship for years and neither of us were married; we were both divorced. I don’t play games but I know that he did even driving by my house which is usually not on his way with a young woman. I burst out laughing because I found it funny for some reason. Still I get where you are coming from, You fell for him. It’s hard to say who is the bigger game player, him or his wife! Sounds like they enjoy the cat and mouse games. Don’t be a part of their lunacy. Their relationship thrives on uncertainty.

      I think this is a lose lose situation and nothing will get better. He is the type that likes the hard to get and that’s why he went back, to show he could win her again and keep you too! It’s a shipwreck and you will be even more hurt if you continue this relationship, My heart goes out to you. He is a man that is saying one thing to you and one thing to her. You will never know the truth about their situation. Why would his wife leave him because he is infertile? There are other options out there like adoption or using a sperm donor. I don’t believe his story since he is a story teller. I hope you run as fast as you can. NOTHING WORSE than being with a lying man and they are proud of themselves when women fall for their lies think they are so clever as a way to keep you and his ex.

      You sound like a nice person that is lonely and has fallen for this guy but there are better men out there. Trust me, I KNOW! You don’t need a man who is either a narcissist or has narcissist tendencies. He cries poor me but he is a total jerk who pretends to be a good man but is only out for himself. Who knows what he tells his “wife” or maybe that story is also a lie, If you stay with him you risk the possibility of feeling very bad about yourself which is never a good thing. Hoping it all works it out but the only way it will is if you leave him since you don’t really have him anyway. My friend told me that all men cheat but I don’t think that is true but they all have the capability to do so more than women or at least this woman

  26. Ahhh I am in grief right now. I had an 8 year long distance relationship (it wasnt completely long distance, we saw each other from time to time). We met in person when I was visiting her country and immediately hit it off. Everything was fine until…

    4 years ago I had a stroke.

    After the stroke my parents came to live with me.My mom did not like this girl at all. Bear in mind I was coming out of a brain injury so I could not think clearly.

    My mom disliked the fact that this girl called me often while I was sick. There were also other little things she disliked about her.

    Long story short, I decided to distance myself from this girl.

    After a couple of months of distancing, I talked to my mom and solved other pressing issues.

    Everything was fine now.

    I was going to ask her to marry me.

    Then I found out that she has had a boyfriend for the last 4 months.

    I am in so much emotional pain.

    • I am so sorry to hear your story and the betrayal of someone that you loved but is very selfish maybe trying to make her new person jealous and make you jealous similar to Debby who was involved with a game player as well. It really makes you feel terrible about your judgement but that is only because you are good person and they are not. You assumed that they were good and gave benefit of the doubt. When I was in a similar situation I should have listened to my gut with his poor little me story about his exes betrayal but was because he was. a jerk to her. Then I got the treatment. When people are bored with themselves they like toying with others. This is not a reflection of you. After all you had a stroke for God’s sake. This person should not have toyed with you in the first place to feed their own ego but knowing you were debilitated by a stroke, Run as fast as you can! I wish I would have listened to that advice from a neighbor but I also was under the impression that the man was a good person not realizing that he had outsmarted me. Listen to your gut. IF something feels off it is. although some people get jealous when they have no reason to feel that way. That’s not love, that is all about possession which is how this woman is. Recover. I know it’s easier said than done. In my case I could be wrong but in your case you are right since three is a lot of evidence here that she is a user of people

  27. Hi everyone
    I’m a 46 year old female and right now, after a lifetime of experiences, I kinda feel like I am over men for good. This doesn’t mean that I hate men, I do genuinely like them, as long as they respect me in a friendship/association.
    Sadly, I haven’t met many, (no matter what age) that cannot seem to stop making jokes about sleeping with me, or me going back to their place to sleep with them or something.
    Out of about 20 different men that I know, some friends, some just associates, (all ages) I would say only 1 or 2 of them had never made that sort of suggestion. This really annoys me to no end, and no matter what society says about men being the higher sexed out of the two sexes, I don’t think that is entirely true. Although I do think men believe it so badly that they also think they can’t help being over sleazy or cannot control themselves around women, or maybe they just try it on and think they can get away with it because they are men. I really don’t know, but I am so sick of it, and really angry about it too.
    It probably doesn’t help that my last relationship of 4 years, was with an abusive, mentally ill guy, (didn’t realise how bad it was until I had really fallen for him).
    I finally ended things with this man (for good) in March last year, after growing tired of being assaulted, abused and treated like crap in general. This ex tried to come back several times, and made sure that family members and friends kept me up to date about what he was up to after our break-up etc. Since this was happening at my workplace, it was pretty hard to escape from and properly heal and move on.
    A few days before Xmas this year past, his Sister In-law, (who was never an avid supporter of his anyway) approached me at work and told me that my ex was now employed, and in a new relationship, with guess it, a Psychiatrist apparently, who is ‘keeping him in line’, and he had ‘met his match’ in her.
    Vomit please.
    It could be all a lie made up and manufactured by him just to really hurt me once again, who knows, at any rate, he wanted me to hurt whether it is the truth or not.
    This guy had been unemployed 2 years when I met him, and then unemployed for a further 4 years that he was with me, he was also homeless, and using everyone he could, whilst blaming and hating on them at the same time.
    Mostly it was either his elderly parents or me that really copped his wacky, dangerous, borderline personality disorder pranks. Honestly though? it was me that copped the very worst of him overall.
    I had verbal abuse, which escalated into physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, death threats, death threats to others in my life, attempts on my life, (one premeditated), severe sleep deprivation, financial abuse, public humiliations, stalking, harassment at work, you name it.
    And yet, in between, (maybe a couple of days out of every week) he could be really wonderful, loving, a little supportive, building up my hopes, (all lies obviously), talks of our future, the whole loving partner thing.
    Everyone here should be aware that this is what keeps partners of abusers hooked for so long, this thing called intermittent reinforcement. Like the rat in the cage pressing the lever for ‘a treat’. This is us, the rat, pressing the lever hoping for a treat, (a few crumbs of affection, love, commitment and the rest).
    Like a lot of others, I was that dumb lab rat for 4 years, and have come out of it way more scarred than I ever thought possible, (not that I didn’t have my own issues before that horrible experience).
    In the meantime, he has simply moved on (if its even true) to another willing piece of ‘prey’. I pity that woman, even if she is a Psychiatrist, she can’t be very good at it, if she has fallen for his tricks. The guy is really a Sociopath, and the reason I know this, is towards the very end, I was talking to a local Mental Health Emergency team on a day in the past when I was again having problems with him, and they told me that he had a previous charge of threats with intent to injure, and even though he weaselled his way out of the charges against his name, they noted on his file that they believed he was a Sociopath.
    I still live in fear that he will turn up again one day, fear that I am still weak, (despite everything I know about this guy I really loved him), and fear in general.
    This sounds odd I know, but when you read up about these types of guys/relationships it is normal to feel 2 things at once about them, fear of them, plus fear that you are too weak to resist them again.
    It truly is horrible…..

  28. Forty nine years ago (I am 68) I was ditched by the love of my life. I never saw it coming after our 5 month relationship. We had even been talking about marriage at one stage. It was all fairly sudden and I was left totally devastated. No matter what I said, did or wrote she was adamant. I was unable to get over it and carried the hurt with me for the rest of my life.

    It was a different age then. No transport other than public. We both lived with our parents, I didn’t particularly get on with her father. I saw her about three or four times a week. There were also many other factors and pressures affecting us. All things which could have been sorted out had we been older and wiser.

    Over the years the emotion I still felt rose and fell. Sometimes it was deeply buried and other times right at the surface, and this continued to happen over a great length of time.

    I sometimes wonder if my feelings are perhaps telepathic. Some people may discount the idea, but I have been involved in other instances of telepathy over huge distances completely unrelated to her which others have agreed, have been uncanny,

    Strangely, rather than time dampening my memories of her they have sharpened. Every conversation we had, every glance are still there, everywhere we went, every situation, as if they had happened moments ago.

    That is not to say I did not get on with life. The ache of rejection did dull considerably but not the love. More relationships followed and I met someone else, got married and went through all the stages people do during their lives.
    We had children, but although I cared about my wife the feeling never duplicated that which I felt for she whom I had lost.
    .
    I learned by chance 20 years later that she had married and emigrated, and had children herself.
    My letter was forwarded to her and a reply came back but with no return address so I left it there. I was already embarrassed about having written.

    And then! the wonders – or curses – of technology.

    Three years ago I tracked her down via social media and sent her a message but there was no response. So my approach was clearly unwelcome.

    It is something I just don’t understand after all this time.
    Her son is also a subscriber to social media but although I would dearly love to know what happened to her, and how she is, what sort of life she has. I hesitate to take this option any further.

    So! Is she still married or is she divorced like me? Is she happy?

    Then introspectively I have to ask myself a question.
    ‘Does this sort of attitude of mine constitute a form of stalking?’

    But why would someone be so impassive as to not respond from the other side of the world?
    Considering our ages, it isn’t as if I’m going to turn up knocking at her door.

    She will have lost her looks, as I have, is her own lack of confidence contributing to her non-response? But that is not even of the remotest importance in my book. Some things transcend all that.

    Does this tale merely rank me among the many people who console themselves with the thought that they have had a narrow escape?
    Did she also have a narrow escape from me?
    This might be the case but it’s no consolation and my heart feels otherwise.

    How can we define the difference between love and obsession, and the overriding desire to know – and also what we consider to be normal behaviour?
    I have always thought there is a very fine line there.

    It’s odd because I have an absolutely great life packed from dawn to dusk with creative and physical activity and I am even getting married again next year to a woman whom I love dearly who I’ve been with for seventeen years. So I am not someone who has spent the past 50 years as an embittered soul, brooding in a garret somewhere.

    There are many questions here, but I don’t have many answers.

  29. While it is too large to be an under-the-desk shredder, the 20514 would look fabulous in the middle of your office where it can be accessed
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  30. Hi I have boyfriend for 2 yrs to be exact next month. He went for 2 month vacation until now he did not call me & message about anything . Most of the people saying to me he will not come back . My hearts breaks to hear those word and cried a lot. But I’m still hoping he will return back to me. So hopeless now 🙁

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