In Love and Heartbreak, Age Matters

dreams

For someone who writes about relationships, it is pretty risky to make the statement that age matters; however, I believe in speaking the truth. I also believe in voicing the concerns of the those that visit this site. From this vantage point and with respect to love and heartbreak, age definitely matters.

Here is the reason why: we each have a grand plan for our life based on age. It goes something like this:

•    In my teens, I’ll get into a good college or get a good job.
•    In my early twenties, my career will start to take off.
•    By my mid-twenties, I will meet the person of my dreams.
•    In my thirties, I will be married and have 2.2 beautiful children.
•    In my forties, I’ll be running the company for which I’ve been working.
•    In my fifties, I’ll reflect back on my life and my grown children and smile.
•    In my sixties, I’ll retire and travel the world.

Sound familiar? Give or take a few years and interchange a couple of details and these types of age confined dreams are quite universal. So what happens when things don’t go as expected? What happens when instead of two kids in our thirties, we end up with our heart in two pieces? We feel broken; not only is our heart shattered, so too is our self-perception.

It is critical to understand that the pain one feels after a break up is only partially due to the separation from our mate. What causes equal, if not greater agony, is dealing with our crushed dreams. Our dream to be a certain age and have accomplished certain things has been stolen. To overcome the challenge of heartbreak based on age related fears, we must face them head on.

Fear: I’m getting older and will be alone. So you are 35 or 45 or [insert your age] and you are alone. You are scared. This is natural. Many people have a fear of aging – period. Heck, the entire beauty industry thrives on our distaste of aging. When you mix the panic of being alone with an aversion of getting older, the combination results in a very potent fear.

Hope: On this website there are thousands of visitors (no exaggeration) in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and yes, 60s that are looking to get over an old love in order to find a new one. You are not alone. The times have changed and people are looking to be in a healthy, loving relationship. As such, there is no dearth of available men and women. After you have gone through the stepped process for recovery and you are ready, you will begin dating again. Regardless of your age or whether you have had it in the past, true love will find you.

Fear: I am damaged goods. Almost all of us have had experiences which have left us feeling less than perfect; however, they are experiences, not who you are. I have always been puzzled by the statement, “I am divorced.” If this is your situation, remember, it is not a I am statement, it is an I have gone thru statement. No one is fundamentally flawed – especially not those who work actively to heal their wounds.

Hope: Absorb the power provided by an example. Find someone around you who has triumphed over adversity in their life. Find someone who has been dealt an unexpected hand and turned it around to their benefit. Ask them to tell you their story. If you don’t see anyone that fits the bill in your immediate surroundings, pick up a Chicken Soup for the Soul book and read hundreds of inspiring stories. You will find that people do not become their bad experiences, rather they work through them and come out stronger. So will you.

Fear: This just was not supposed to happen to me at this age! This is a negative idea that races through the minds of many who endure a break up. The thought is rooted in the break from your grand life plan. Remember, you created that plan, but the universe has something better in store.

Hope: I have never, ever seen a case where someone who has embraced the changes in their life did not end up happier. You will too. Keep in mind that your past relationship(s) were not a waste of time. For many, they provided growth, sometimes beautiful children, and although it may not seem so, some good memories. Everything that has happened has made you who you are today and ahead awaits an even greater experience.

Remember: Please, please, please do not restrict your dreams. Your visions do not wish to be bound- especially to the confines of age. Paul Gaugin didn’t start painting til his mid-forties, Granda Moses in her seventies, Charles Darwin published his first book in his fifties, and Colonel Sanders founded KFC in his sixties. Age only matters if we allow it to matter. Dream bigger. Dream brighter. Set your dreams free today.

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532 thoughts on “In Love and Heartbreak, Age Matters

  1. This might sound stupid and I’ve never done this before so bear with me. I very recently broke up with my gf after 3 years. And I’ve taken it harder than I ever expected. Was quite a volatile relationship, we’d argue a fair bit but we’re also Very loving and passionate. Anyway it’s broken down after one too many dramas without going into details. Im rational enough to know that it’s probably beyond saving but the urgh to do that and have her back in my life is clouding my every waking thought. I it’s almost involuntary yhe thinking about it and I can’t switch it off. Drinking me bonkers. Why, when I know it’s all wrong should be done am I so drawn to go back? And how can I break this cycle of thinking about it.

  2. I am 46 year old woman and had a long distance relationship for over a year with a man Age 50 – speaking 4-6 hours every day on the phone/video for over a year. Making future plans together in great detail, sold all I had to leave the USA to go to the U.K. To be with him . Shipped the rest of my belongings to him over a 8 month period. After two weeks of being with him, I wake up one morning to all his stuff gone and then followed up by a phone call telling me “I just don’t love you”. Mind you that we did have a two week holiday months ago and it was fantastic. I am completely devistated as I now have no home to go back to. This is completely tragic !!!

  3. Sometimes we feel more alone not because we really are but because we compare ourselves with other people who seem to be so very happy with their lives. But the truth is, we all have problems and none of us have perfect lives. We will always have regrets and heartaches. But what’s important is to do what we can with what we have today. We can begin again. It may not be easy, it may even be painful! But slowly, ever so awkwardly, we move on.

  4. Why at 53 men only want a “friend” not a committed relationship? I feel like such a fool. My trust, I opened myself only to be fooled and hurt. I don’t know if I will recover.

    • Dear Darlene,
      Chin up. I’m at the same position. I’m 40, my 56 years old ex just stop talking to me. I’m hurt beyond. Need a closure some how. Try to be happy. Chin up.

    • Darlene,

      I’m sorry you’ve experienced such disappointment. Not all men are “looking for a friend”. There are a good number who want to love and care for the person in our lives. Many are apprehensive, however. After experiencing betrayal after betrayal, most add a few extra filters. I’m newly experiencing this new status and despite the fact that I would love to have someone to encourage me; give me something to look forward to; who I could please and make her bumps and bruises less painful and show her that I could make her feel things she had forgotten – I am apprehensive and still angry over being betrayed.

      Don’t give up! Just try to go in to every experience without expectations and let the other person know that they will need to chase you around the playground a little – you aren’t the one who’s required to do the chasing. Many times it comes down to chemistry, between people and it can be scary If one feels like the person across from them is looking a them like prey.

      Not being critical, just sharing the things I’ve heard from many friends who have gone thru these trials. I lost everything, after having my wealth and my heart taken out the back door, while I was oblivious and comfortable: too comfortable. I could easily find myself expecting wealthy women to fight over me, but, at this point in life, I don’t put as much emphasis on wealth and material things. I’m entering the years in which I will be spending more time by myself or with someone who I find is worthy of my time.

      Don’t sell yourself short or beat yourself because someone may not be interested in a long term adventure. Look at your expectations and where type meeting these people.

    • I did the same thing I fell In Love but he did t ove me. and then I’m 67 he is going to be 61 and we had a really fun time together and we got along really well we never fight then all of a sudden he decided he was going to be moving to Arizona where he owns a house and I’m not part of the picture. I hate to say I’m heartbroken but I am. I Fell in love with him but I didn’t plan to I can I just wanted to be friends but then it just turned into something else. He came over every day and called me every day texted me every day. And then he decided in the end it wasn’t for him. So cruel I can understand he doesn’t love me but my hurt me hurt me three times I don’t even feel like going on.

    • Hello Darlene,
      I to have been played a fool by someone I thought would never hurt me at my age….58!
      We were together for 5 years of living together and knowing him from high school and his family , then one day without a warning he dumped me! Told me not to come back to the apartment we shared, I was at my house I was in the process of selling!…..with no explanation on his part! He said it was beyond explanation……!
      What the hell….??? That was 10 months ago and no contact…. I am left with a pain beyond words…. won’t talk or text or email me back!
      I would like to know how to get though the pain?
      How are you doing? At this age I am not sure what to do? Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated…..thank you for your time

    • I was to be married this past August.She Broken engagement Valentines day, I miss her and want her back no communication from her since my birthday. Apri 7 the When I was on Tour Of Duty on a ship I wrote long love letter thanking her & she replied backshe told me she didn’t want anything from me it’s going to take time and just be her friend. I’m a mess.Its terrible for me and I hope To heal up.and just had Rotor cuff surgery 3 week ago & alone. I’m 56 . I try to get on with my life.Made mistakes but no infedlity. I just pray & Hopefully God will bless this to His Glory.. I’m having a hard time I feel like you. Thanks

    • Dear Darlene,

      54 year old men get treated the same way, we give all, unconditionally, but feel that trust has been taken, trashed and have been used.

      What I am trying to say is that society and expectation are changed so dramatically we just need to use modern social media and you can find happiness. There are loads of 50 something men out there having experienced the same and feeling the same. However, knowing that there are like minded men who have had the same experience, grown from it and become better not destroyed, is hope. There is partnership, full emotional & physical, not just freindship out there for 50 year old seperate/divorced people. This has, undoubtedly always has been case, but previously no acknowledged way of openly finding each other.

      There is no shame for you in a now “failed or rejected relationship”, what ever age. Your pride has been dented but not your spirit. Use the social media and dating sites – look for a perfect match. I am just one such man starting on that Journey and hope is such a powerful medicine.

  5. People always talk about forgiveness like it’s ours to grant. I’ve forgiven him but I’m not the only one who has to forgive him. Forgiving him has not set me free. Like the article said I was at this stage of my life where I was looking forward to traveling but I don’t have a travel partner now. Because he said so many bad things about me to others he ended up getting most of the friends or all of the friends that we had. Yes I forgive him but that doesn’t really put my life back together.

  6. I haven’t been on the site for awhile,however,it seems people are still walking in to emotional destruction with eyes wide open. Look,every human wants the same things;to be valued,respected,honored,loved,appreciated,needed…all emotional needs.
    Before we begin to seek someone else to fill a void that we desperately want, why do we not realize that in relationships you Are going to be hurt,You will get your heart broken,and there will be times you ask yourself how in the world did I get in this mess?
    Sometimes,we get into abusive relationships that so break our spirit,that we buy into the lies that we deserve exactly what we get,so we stay and become beaten,raped,demeaned (by the person who once said I love you). It doesn’t matter what others think,it matters whether you want to live or just continue a life of existence.To learn that before you can give love you must be able to love yourself enough to admit sometimes when we want something so badly,we will accept any behavior including abusive behavior in relationships. Learning to love yourself,be willing to acknowledge there will be lonely times, the alternative to a life of the cycle of abuse, not trusting your own decisions,and isolation to the degree if despair that Suicide becomes your minds companion. Being betrayed,Yes,it hurts but you never can go forward in life driving a parked car. Shacking up,giving yourself to the first person because you believe this will help keep that person” only yours”- why buy the cow,when you can get the milk free? /anytime we break moral laws,believing what you are looking for you will find without commitment, the only way to find what you really are seeking,you first must learn to love yourself as only God can teach you.
    How can you or anyone give away what they don’t possess? I am sure your pain is deeply ingrained,to involve yourself with someone only separated-(unless divorce papers-they are still married) a guy who’s on the prowl will tell you whatever you want to hear. You think you’re dying,you’re probably so convinced because you believe what you tell yourself,if you’re depressed,there is help and hope. God feeds the birds,but HE doesn’t shove the worms down their throats,they have to seek the worms. If you want to feel different,change the way you think,talk and how you see yourself.
    Before you decide your first broken heart is grounds for suicide just think:
    SUICIDE:A permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life hurts. Roses are beautiful flowers,however,they also have thorns and depending whether you acknowledge the thorns,knowing they can inflict pain if not properly respected; we can realize much about life and love if we stop,think before we jump.
    Remember;You can only give to others what is within,before you hunger for someone in your life,make sure you are willing to accept the responsibility of total commitment in a lifetime relationship.

  7. I am 62 years old and three years ago I had a relationship end. Most intimate and satisfying since my divorce in 2002

    When she broke it off she did it with an email.
    Refused to talk to me.

    After three years she contacts me and says she wants to make amends. But when I asked her to clarify some things she just said she was sorry. Told how much to me and how she broke up me devastated me. I have had a hard time getting over it and this tore me up again,

  8. Your heart is broken,so you have two options.continue to allow yourself to have a pity party…or realize you have a chance to think..yes,with your brain…what lessons could. I learn from. the. Horrible. Pain that. Wants to hold me ft growing. And. Going. Forward.

    Until. You can. Acknowledge. that. YES,I was hurt …I didn’t. like it..you. must. Identify the. real. issue. before. You are able to deal with it…

    What. You. will not want to hear is…You Have to FORGIVE WHOMEVER IT WAS THAT BROKE YOUR HEART ❤. FORGIVENESS is. THE ONLY WAY to have freedom and healing that really lasts.
    When. You. wait for. the person to admit they were wrong,you might have to wait a lifetime,because. some people who hurt us think it doesn’t matter.

    Everyone needs a hero,be your own,learn to be bigger than the small minded people who don’t care if they walked all over your heart ❤ Forgive,let it go,(everytime you give thought to the wrong you replay and give strength to the. Negative behavior)
    Remember,you can overcome anything if you want to …or you can become a perpetual victim! It’s. Up to you. The person that hurt you. Has moved on,whysit in yesterday’s. Self-pity?

    • I have been in love with my best friend for 52 years. I married someone else and was married for 27 years but he always had my heart. My husband and I divorced but 10 years before my friend had reconnected but we knew we would not let it bust up our families.
      My friend divorced because of totally differet reasons and so did i years later and our children were grown enough that we were able to be together but not really together. he wanted to keep the romance a secret from his children because he feared it would scar them. I went along with it because It did not matter t me as long as we were together.
      We are both grandparents now and have no one to lean to but each other and I know he loves me but i don’t see him wanting to sacrifice his family knowing about us. I got really upset and threw a fit 2 weeks ago and when I did I realised that we are in two different relationships. With not many more years for us I feel like we should not be obligated to whqt our kids think.I know that is not going to change.
      Reading the things people are saying about facing it and moving forward etc is just not something I can see myself doing because even when I was married this man had my heart so completely. being with him I was complete and now I am not. I can not imagine a day without him because he is a part of every inch of my body and my mind. I don’t want to live without him and i just don’twant to live..I see nothing beyond him.
      Any advice

      • I do understand what you are saying. I broke off a seven year relationship with a guy that cheated on me with prostitutes and drug addicts. I didn’t hurt like I am hurting now. I dated this guy after 2 months of being single. He was my protector, provider, lover, and friend. Because he is my ex boyfriend’s cousin my my family talked badly of us. I am 58 years old he is 61 and my grown children didn’t like it. My mother and siblings didn’t like it and all of them let it be known. My ex is his cousin and he told him not to date me because of my overprotective sons. He didn’t head his warnings and we did date and we’re in love. His family accepted me with open arms, but mine was so judgemental they reminded me their cousins you can’t do that. Eventually he decided to break it off with me to avoid any possible confrontation with my family. I am completely broken, past 3 days I have cried a river, sleeping is non-existent. The pain is unbareable as it feels like it’s engulfed my entire being. I am devastated this is a hard one to get over, I love him so much. He did all the right things, he wanted me for 3 years and when my relationship ended with my ex he then let his feelings be known. I felt vibrant, alive, and most of all loved completely. Thanks all gone, like a puff of smoke and everyone that was non supportive is living their lives and I’m broken the love of my life is gone and I’m so internally heartbroken.

  9. these words really help to understand,, it takes time to get over the idea of moving on ,it is diferent now not like when you started dating so buckle your your seat belt and go for the ride. good luck

  10. I fell in love with a guy 15 years younger than me,it was all games from the very beginning,he played me he lied to me,be careful who you give your heart to.

      • Don’t be ageist. I feel for someone 16years older, best relationship to date- but it he was anxious about me switching him for someone younger. It broke my heart actually- because it was run by ego.

      • I dont understand what age has to do with love? There was no mistake she fell in love period. You dont pick someone from the crowd and say I am going to full in love with you today. Love is unconditional?

    • My lady is 50, and left me for a man 13 yrs my junior, it has killed me,
      I hope he’s doing exactly what your younger man did! There’s nothing wrong
      With me either, I look like Micky Rourke, the good version.

  11. My ex moved far away with our 1 year old daughter who lit up my life like the 4th of July. 1800 miles away and through family court and many other very hurtful spiteful actions against me. Four years later I feel like I’m dying. I am dying. I sleep all the time I can’t feel any happiness and have ended up alone. My soul cries every day, I wake up crying, I miss my daughter so bad. So bad so bad so bad! :'(

    • My Goodness I know how you feel,one step at a time my friend,one breath at a time,first accept the things that has happen,next constantly reach out to your daughter even if you send cards in the mail,it will allow some type of connection for you.Most importance pray,do all you can to get your desires met concerning your daughter.

  12. You wont believe my story as its so complicated but ill try my best to share it. I met an amazing man on line 2 years ago and completely fell for him. True love. when we met he told me he had been separated for 8 months from his wife of 12 years, mainly because she wanted a baby and he couldn’t have children. I already have a daughter so I accepted this fate. At the beginning I asked him if he still loved his wife and to his reply was, no. I will always care about her but he would never go back. Things blossomed and he eventually said he felt love for me. However after 5 months his wife announces she is coming back to their marital home. I found this so hard to deal with but he reassured me and came to live with me. Unfortunately this didn’t reassure me as it gave him the opportunity to call home whenever he liked, to grab post or fix jobs ect It gets worse….he goes out to his local a few times and ends up at his house for the night whilst im going out of my mind. Eventually this stops, however out of the blue he disappears for a whole week and calls me to tell me his wife had a baby (not his but another mans) I know this is true as I would have been pregnant by now. So for 10 months he has lied to me and hidden this secret. I asked him if she came home with a new baby in hope that he would become a father figure? But he repeatedly said no. Bearing in mind my daughter now calls him step-dad! from then on I had very little trust in his feelings for me, especially when I find out he took he car shopping and when i’ve asked about getting a divorce and selling his house he becomes shifty in his behaviour. Id had enough in November and told him enough was enough, sent him packing. He goes back home (apparently staying in the boxroom)? and starts to txt he cant bear the thought of not having me in his life and that with his wifes permission hes going to put the house up for sale. At this point im getting sucked back in and really believe him so I agree to see him at weekends. Then just before Christmas he gives up his job which I kind of think is to bide the time he has in selling. I flipped. He’d not gone home since Christmas and it was now the second week of jan, and there I am as always paying for food and bills, whilst he helps pay half a mortage! I told him what kind of future do we have if he still wants to keep everything with his x? Id had enough and told him to go home for good and not to come back.
    He has txt me to ask if I would send him photos of our holiday and that he loves me and misses me?

    Although I ended it, my heart is totally broken. I thought he wanted me but I don’t think he can let go of his past, weather or not its sexual, hes struggling to separate his past.

    What do you guys think to my story, I would appreiciate honest feedback, even if its negative towards me.
    Thankyou x

    • Your story is so painfully hey and hope you can recover and find the right man. For the sake of your daughter because while you trying to find Mr right you gonna have to interact with maybe 3 or 4 guys and the lil one can adopt that men are suppose to be changed

    • You did the right thing! But you don’t sound open to giving yourself a new chance with someone else. It’s very hard to let go of dreams when they seemed so close! But the anxiety of it all is enough to drive you crazy. You need someone detached and 100 per cent for you! This guy is being sucked in because another man couldn’t live up to his responsibility and that woman just knew she’d get a baby By way she could! Too much drama. He has one foot in the past and one in the future and pissing on today! Good writtens!

    • It’s normal for you not to be ready for another man yet and you are right to not let him back in after his lies, Once someone lies and you discover the truth (and this was a whopper of a lie), you are wise not to go back with him. He may be vascilating or wanting to have the best of both worlds and using you to get his wife back and using her to make her realize that she has a chance of losing him, He is a game player. Now I have been accused of this when my daughter published photos of me on vacation with her and a long time male friend by my ex and his sister but that was NOT the case. My daughter published it on her FB and tagged me before I knew how that worked 4 or 5 years ago. That scenario is totally different from this one but apparently that is why he came back to me but we had been in a relationship for years and neither of us were married; we were both divorced. I don’t play games but I know that he did even driving by my house which is usually not on his way with a young woman. I burst out laughing because I found it funny for some reason. Still I get where you are coming from, You fell for him. It’s hard to say who is the bigger game player, him or his wife! Sounds like they enjoy the cat and mouse games. Don’t be a part of their lunacy. Their relationship thrives on uncertainty.

      I think this is a lose lose situation and nothing will get better. He is the type that likes the hard to get and that’s why he went back, to show he could win her again and keep you too! It’s a shipwreck and you will be even more hurt if you continue this relationship, My heart goes out to you. He is a man that is saying one thing to you and one thing to her. You will never know the truth about their situation. Why would his wife leave him because he is infertile? There are other options out there like adoption or using a sperm donor. I don’t believe his story since he is a story teller. I hope you run as fast as you can. NOTHING WORSE than being with a lying man and they are proud of themselves when women fall for their lies think they are so clever as a way to keep you and his ex.

      You sound like a nice person that is lonely and has fallen for this guy but there are better men out there. Trust me, I KNOW! You don’t need a man who is either a narcissist or has narcissist tendencies. He cries poor me but he is a total jerk who pretends to be a good man but is only out for himself. Who knows what he tells his “wife” or maybe that story is also a lie, If you stay with him you risk the possibility of feeling very bad about yourself which is never a good thing. Hoping it all works it out but the only way it will is if you leave him since you don’t really have him anyway. My friend told me that all men cheat but I don’t think that is true but they all have the capability to do so more than women or at least this woman

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