In Love and Heartbreak, Age Matters


For someone who writes about relationships, it is pretty risky to make the statement that age matters; however, I believe in speaking the truth. I also believe in voicing the concerns of the those that visit this site. From this vantage point and with respect to love and heartbreak, age definitely matters.

Here is the reason why: we each have a grand plan for our life based on age. It goes something like this:

•    In my teens, I’ll get into a good college or get a good job.
•    In my early twenties, my career will start to take off.
•    By my mid-twenties, I will meet the person of my dreams.
•    In my thirties, I will be married and have 2.2 beautiful children.
•    In my forties, I’ll be running the company for which I’ve been working.
•    In my fifties, I’ll reflect back on my life and my grown children and smile.
•    In my sixties, I’ll retire and travel the world.

Sound familiar? Give or take a few years and interchange a couple of details and these types of age confined dreams are quite universal. So what happens when things don’t go as expected? What happens when instead of two kids in our thirties, we end up with our heart in two pieces? We feel broken; not only is our heart shattered, so too is our self-perception.

It is critical to understand that the pain one feels after a break up is only partially due to the separation from our mate. What causes equal, if not greater agony, is dealing with our crushed dreams. Our dream to be a certain age and have accomplished certain things has been stolen. To overcome the challenge of heartbreak based on age related fears, we must face them head on.

Fear: I’m getting older and will be alone. So you are 35 or 45 or [insert your age] and you are alone. You are scared. This is natural. Many people have a fear of aging – period. Heck, the entire beauty industry thrives on our distaste of aging. When you mix the panic of being alone with an aversion of getting older, the combination results in a very potent fear.

Hope: On this website there are thousands of visitors (no exaggeration) in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and yes, 60s that are looking to get over an old love in order to find a new one. You are not alone. The times have changed and people are looking to be in a healthy, loving relationship. As such, there is no dearth of available men and women. After you have gone through the stepped process for recovery and you are ready, you will begin dating again. Regardless of your age or whether you have had it in the past, true love will find you.

Fear: I am damaged goods. Almost all of us have had experiences which have left us feeling less than perfect; however, they are experiences, not who you are. I have always been puzzled by the statement, “I am divorced.” If this is your situation, remember, it is not a I am statement, it is an I have gone thru statement. No one is fundamentally flawed – especially not those who work actively to heal their wounds.

Hope: Absorb the power provided by an example. Find someone around you who has triumphed over adversity in their life. Find someone who has been dealt an unexpected hand and turned it around to their benefit. Ask them to tell you their story. If you don’t see anyone that fits the bill in your immediate surroundings, pick up a Chicken Soup for the Soul book and read hundreds of inspiring stories. You will find that people do not become their bad experiences, rather they work through them and come out stronger. So will you.

Fear: This just was not supposed to happen to me at this age! This is a negative idea that races through the minds of many who endure a break up. The thought is rooted in the break from your grand life plan. Remember, you created that plan, but the universe has something better in store.

Hope: I have never, ever seen a case where someone who has embraced the changes in their life did not end up happier. You will too. Keep in mind that your past relationship(s) were not a waste of time. For many, they provided growth, sometimes beautiful children, and although it may not seem so, some good memories. Everything that has happened has made you who you are today and ahead awaits an even greater experience.

Remember: Please, please, please do not restrict your dreams. Your visions do not wish to be bound- especially to the confines of age. Paul Gaugin didn’t start painting til his mid-forties, Granda Moses in her seventies, Charles Darwin published his first book in his fifties, and Colonel Sanders founded KFC in his sixties. Age only matters if we allow it to matter. Dream bigger. Dream brighter. Set your dreams free today.

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581 thoughts on “In Love and Heartbreak, Age Matters”

  1. I have read a number of these stories…so many of them heartbreaking.
    I want to share a very interesting perspective by a woman who wrote an article for the Huffington Post about why the young today are unable to commit to anything. I think this applies to everybody.
    First my side story
    I met a soulmate after 20 years of being alone raising my son and taking care of my mom. I had never experienced such a soul bonding with a man in my life.
    We were best friends. He had moved in at a dark period of his life and I helped him through it. He loves me dearly but is not in love with me. It was gut wrenching, especially as I was older by 8 years and going through the painful midlife transition. I’ve been dealing with the stages of grief in unrequited love. I toggle between bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance.
    I read this article while I’ve been going through the process and it really hit me.

    Basically the article explains that this new generation relies heavily on the Internet and social media to get and stay connected to people.
    People brag about how many friends they have on Facebook. There is even an incentive to have a certain number of connections on LinkedIn to reach “expert” or “all star” status. Yet there are more depressed and lonely people out there than ever.
    Don’t get me wrong. These tools are great. Facebook provides snapshots of life to people across the globe. How cool is that.

    But the article explained that these tools have robbed this generation and have actually has done the opposite of what they are supposed to do. The social media we use in order to maintain “relationships” with people are the same instruments that keep us apart. Since we have Facebook or texting, we don’t pick up the phone and call or drive over and visit people. We send sound bytes.
    We think we have these close relationships because we are connecting. We connect but we are not bonding.
    Bonding is something very different. Bonding is built on the soul level. A sort of resonance two people feel when they are together. They don’t need to speak to be understood. They can be fragile, vulnerable and know they can feel safe because the other person “gets them” Bonding takes time…lots of time, lots of talking and, in a lover, lots of physical connecting where we stand naked and allow that person into our closest inner boundaries.
    Because we don’t have time in our busy lives, we tend to bond with very few people..mostly our families and a few long time friends(remember…bonding takes time). This makes us even more vulnerable to those we do bond with.
    When we fall deeply in love at that bonding level, you can understand why it is so heart and gut wrenching when it is torn from us. We have so little of this soul closeness in our lives because of the lifestyles we lead, so its is all the more painful when it is suddenly ripped from us.
    Loving yourself is important, but we cannot dismiss the importance of having deep soul connections with more than just one person. Its a matter of working on deep emotional bonding with sisters, brothers, cousins, great aunt/uncles, grandmothers/grandfathers, friends…even that older neighbor you seem to have a connection with. (I am a huge proponent of older people especially. Sadly our culture stuffs our elders into nursing homes and senior centers. Its a tragedy because they are an invaluable resource.)

    I am fortunate to have been taught the ability to bond with people while growing up with my great grandmother, great aunts, uncles as well as my immediate.And this has helped me through a number of dark times. By just reaching out and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with a stranger( or friend or acquaintance) makes you realize how people respond to your pain and how really alike we all are. Only those experiencing their own pain don’t or cant respond. But that’s not your issue.
    I can only offer this advise. Bond…do not connect…reach out to strangers, acquaintances, friends, old people(be discerning please)…practice being open and vulnerable. Drive and visit your friends, visit public places where people gather and for heaven sake visit senior centers, nursing homes, retirement communities before its too late. The results can be amazing

  2. I just read your blog. You don’t have to print this, I just want to talk to you.

    I just read your pitch article. It all sounded good until you started pitching the cost.

    I feel sick to my stomach.

    If you’re going to sell me a product, tell me in the beginning.

    You only made my heart crumble even more.

    You are selling to people in their most vulnerable stages” Yes, I’m angry. Yes I hurt.
    I surely don’t need another person to take advantage of me right now.
    I positively will get my free positive therapy from my friends and family, or my therapist, to who I pay through my taXes in Canada, and who practices Positive therapy healing,”
    because she can be professional not a salesperson. I’m sure that you are helping a lot of people. And I’m sure you’re living well on other people’s vulnerability.

    Just sayin’

  3. I met my ex last march we both fell completely in love. He was 43 I was 45 he lived about 50 miles away but within a couple of weeks he moved to my home town and within a month or two he moved in with me and my two children. He was my forever man and he said I was his perfect woman. We had a beautiful summer together then we found out he had a rare tumor in his stomach and had a major operation in September. After that he seemed a little depressed, understandably so. Our love life previous to op was amazing but after op things were difficult for him. I never pressurised him, but he said he thought he was letting me down and this affected him. Christmas he gave me a print of my home town and wrote a beautiful message on the back, we were both sat under the Christmas tree and got emotional. Anyway fast forward to may this year and our love life was still difficult and I began to be emotional because I had doubts that he still wanted me. He always held my hand cuddled me and wrapped himself around me in bed. One night I said I wasn’t sure I could carry on this way. And the next night in bed I asked him where it had all gone wrong, he replied he didn’t know. The next day I text him that I loved him and wanted to do everything to make our relationship work but if he didn’t feel the same then we should part. A day later I just arrived at work and he text me he was leaving and moving away. I was devastated he left me the day before my birthday wouldn’t speak to me. Two weeks later he came back when I was at work to collect his things and posted his key back through the letter box. He said it was too upsetting for both of us and he couldn’t bare to see me upset. I was a complete mess. Eight weeks on and I’m still devastated I’ve done everything wrong phoned, emailed text – he has blocked me said I didn’t give him space. So today I am going to start no contact I love him so much and am so confused why has he turned do cold…..

    • hey, your situation sounds alot like mine (how it ended…)
      i found a lot of self healing in the discovery & understanding of the pursuer-distancer relationship’ explainations of what went wrong…
      perhaps it might help you.!
      ive had the love of my life treat me terribly and coldly as he distanced himself, with the complain being i didnt understand how to give him space… and it never really settled till i began to understand our dynamics and how, perhaps they werent as right as id perceived.

    • Nicky, Its like we just lived through the same story at the same time. It’s a year later and I’m still a mess. I did all the wrong things too and kept asking “What if I’d…” How are you now?

  4. I just wanted to contribute that after a year of being broken up with my ex fiance I still almost burst into tears when I think about it, hot tears spring to my eyes. She was the love of my life and our break up was the most devastating thing that ever happened to me. Some of it admittedly self inflicted but our break up wasn’t. She broke up with me very suddenly over the phone to which I later found out she took her new girlfriend (yes I am female too) on a £1,700 romantic holiday to Mexico I paid for. While I wallowed in depression and suicidal thoughts she was on the beaches of Mexico with this new woman loving life. This doesn’t include many things like asking for my engagement ring for “rent money”, living in the UK for 6 months afterwards and not once visiting me but being with this new girlfriend. A “friend” ironically she met online that I reasonably agreed to allowing a “friendship”. Two years of my life I dedicated to her, I got her into modelling, she is from Dubai so while living here my family became her family, my friends and her got on really well. I have never ever ever felt betrayal and anger like this even a year later. She still sometimes tries to contact me to tell me that she “cares for me as a friend” but I have so much anger and pain that I find this so insulting. She disappeared for a year from my life no calls, no messages, no emails, nothing. Like I was just a dog. Still a year later I have some much pain inside me it’s overwhelming. I get on with life I have friends, family but I just don’t trust anyone and it’s so fucked up that I could love someone still who caused me so much pain. I pray I eventually don’t feel this way.

    • Dear SH,

      I wrote on this site in January this year about my own woes and that I had been dumped in November 2013. Yes, I remember the exact time, where I was and what she said.
      The main reason I’m replying to you is that you were used and that your girlfriend contacts you to say “Hi, friend!”. I have a similar situation, in that the woman who dumped me in November last year still continues to use a cellphone that I pay for and when the credit runs out – she texts me to let me know and, (yes I know I’m stupid) I credit that phone. Why, after all this time have I not got the message? Simple, I still don’t want to hear it!
      Sexuality doesn’t matter in matters of love and its abuse. I feel your pain and also recognise the addiction to the person who left you and the distrust that dwells within you. I have not seen any other women, I am doing what you are, family but it doesn’t make the pain go away, all that will do that is time.
      Now it’s been ten months since she dumped me (by text) I still miss her terribly but I don’t call her or contact her in any way, I breath in and breath out, putting one foot in front of the other, that’s about it. Do I still love her? Yes, totally, but I have learned to live with the pain, I’m just waiting for time to pass. I have returned to Law School and immerse myself in my friends and studies but one text from her sends me into a total state of panic. I hope, every day, that she contacts me but she doesn’t, and in a way, I’m grateful. If that sounds confusing I apologise but it’s how it is.
      What am I trying to say to you? What everyone else says, hang in there, you were used, as was I, and hopefully there is a woman out there who you can love. I personally have no intention of giving any woman that much ever again as I can’t afford the price.
      I wish you love and luck, remember, when you’re going through hell, keep going!!!

      • Hi Robert,

        Sounds like you and I are going through the same thing. My ex and soulmate stole my life savings, leaving me with nothing yet I took him back after such betrayal, now I wish I hadn’t because everyday I re-live what he did to me and the pain he put me through, not a day goes by when I am not reminded of what he did, yet he still claims to love me and wants me back…..he is like an addiction, I want him to call or text yet when he does it totally destroys me, sending me into an emotional tailspin for the rest of the day, the effects are physical too, not eating, not sleeping and shaking inside….I still can’t comprehend how someone I was going to marry could look me in the face everyday knowing he had taking every penny I had (it was £23k and had been gone months before I discovered it), after such shocking betrayal why do I still let him have such a powerful hold over me? I took him back and now most of my family and friends aren’t talking to me, they think I have lost the plot and I don’t blame them either. I love him and hate him in equal measure yet can’t seem to see life without him, I want to wake up one morning for once without that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach…..I keep blocking and unblocking his number, I know I need to wean myself off him because he isn’t good for me but I just don’t know what to do…

    • Hi SH

      I fell in love wit a girl. I loved her wit my soul. She’s d first person I’d love n sleep with. Its 2 months nw since she told me ‘she doesn’t want us anymore’.

      I’m Bi but I’ve neva loved anyone like I loved her. She was my first n she knew it. She shattered me. Now, I dnt knw wat to do. She ws infatuated while I loved and now I’m paying dearly for it.

      I’m moving on, its difficult. I cry sometimes, everyday.

      I’m beautiful and intelligent, so I knw there’ll be other pple. Infact there r pple…bt wat I’m scared of d most is if I’ll eva be able to love again.

      I’m nt a serial crusher or dater. I’m very steady, maybe too steady n very picky. I’m nt dat sure…or dnt knw hw long it’d take me again to find someone again.

    • God. Exactly my situation. I can’t get over him, 9 months later and I’m still shattered. I’m so sorry for your pain. I feel it too.

  5. I’m afraid I’ve realized I’m little more than a living, breathing cliché – a by-product of the Summer of Love,amily raised in an idyllic nuclear family, shielded from all that was real in the world. My perception of reality was The Monkees, The Partridge Family, The Brady Bunch, Bewitched, I Dream Of Jeannie… my early teens, The Love Booat and Fantasy Island answered any question I had of Love…..the sad part is, I’m totally serious. With a genius IQ, I ultimately dropped out of high school in 1985 due to severe ADHD, Dyslexia and learning disabilities that went undiagnosed until I was 45.
    After floundering around the US, desperately trying to find myself and where I fit in in the world, I met my first husband in St. Thomas. 2 years and 2 babies later, I was a single mother on the dole right back in my home state – but I was in college and my IQ had been realized and disabilities dealt with at least.
    In the meantime, I met “Mr. Nice Guy”. 10 months later, he finally asked me out (red flag #1?) – hindsight is a perfect science,,,,,,,,,,,frankly, I wasn’t really into him, as I said he REALLY came off as “NICE GUY” – Never been my type, but I thought, “Maybe this is what I need in my life, “Mr. Nice Guy!” My God……..would I come to regret that life-altering decision…………
    Within our first year together, I learned how clearly obedient/enslaved this 23-year-old, former Marine was to his abusive, vitriolic, tyrant of a father – a right Pr*ck he was, but he would call & off he would RUN. (Red flag #2?)
    Within that same timeframe, I became pregnant with our first child together, a son – we found out right before Christmas (1997) as I was preparing for exams, getting ready for Christmas for my 2 daughters, 3 and 1, who he had become a great Dad to and meanwhile his severe immaturity was causing us to consider breaking up after Christmas – until we found out about the baby…..then we decided to put things into a more mature perspective and give it a go.
    February 4th, 1998, I was rear-ended at 16 weeks pregnant, forced to withdraw from college and put on bedrest. I was devastated. Mr. Niceguy began to get increasingly under my skin and started behaving as though HE was the “Baby” I was expecting. I asked him to leave. Naturally, he moved back in with his tyrant father rather than with a friend – (red flag #3).
    For the first time in my life, I was without a man and I not only survived, my little family Thrived!. Without “Baby Huey” around to take care of, life was BLISS……admittedly, there were times when I was lonesome, but they were fleeting.
    In August, 2 weeks after my son’s birth in July, I had a most vivid dream in which my Grandmother came to me – ALL NIGHT LONG, she urged me to call “Mr. Nice Guy” – to the point, I woke and said aloud, “Alright, I’ll call him!” Luckily, he answered. We agreed to meet. He’d done a lot of growing up seemingly, or at least he wanted me to think so…..then tragedy struck.
    A week after his step-mother met my son, she was killed in a horrific car accident, which tore the family apart. It made he and I re-examine our situation – perhaps it was worth salvaging or at least worth trying. Seemed logical at the time to have an intact family in cold, cruel, divorced, cynical world of ours……
    We married in June 1999, bought a house in September 1999 & he got the career he’d been waiting for within months – everything was going so well. About 5 minutes after we signed the papers for the house, I found out I was pregnant again, a girl – as Catholics, naturally, we were pleasantly surprised.
    So, all this time, what I didn’t know, was this “Nice Guy”, who gave up his Marine Corps career to give his father a kidney, also happens to be a Pathological Liar and a Pornography Addict – NO ONE was more excited than he when the internet was invented. Not only was he both of these things, but you don’t know what you don’t know, so for YEARS, over 15, while I slept, he was up carrying on with thousands of women online, staring at millions of images, having virtual affairs, trolling “CL” for hopefuls, Dorothy Madison, God knows what else…….the ultimate betrayal came in 10/2011 while I was away from our now – 5 children for thr first time EVER and his emotional affair with a co-worker kicked up to pornographic status. this is while I’m put-of-state celebrating my mother’s 75th birthday.
    I arrived home on Halloween and he staged a fight 2 nights later and left the house – he’d been floating around the house like a ghost for months, but we attributed it to his high-stress job, since he would say NOTHING to me. In my worst nightmares, I could never have imagined what he was really up to – NEVER would I have believed what he has done to me.
    He conjured up this whole story about how he was “Too angry to come home” and “needed to wait until he could get into see the counselor” – until then, he would be staying at a co-worker’s house, 45 minutes away. This went on for 6 weeks.
    I convinced him to go away with me for a weekend so we could be alone – I felt we needed to re-group and see if we could find what ever brought us together. It was like MAGIC. We had an absolutely wonderful weekend – relaxing and really re-connected. He agreed to come home.
    On the way home, he informed me he would be returning to hid friends’ house for the night, since he had left all of hid gear & uniforms there – unsure of how the weekend would go – seemed logical – he took me home, returned to his friends house, went to work the next day and returned home to the children and I that night at 7pm December 18th, 2012.

    Now I’ll wrap this up.

    Remember the trip to see my mom for her 75th bday – October, 2012.
    I return home October 31stm 2012.
    He starts the fake argument and leaves November 2nd, 2012.
    He’s out of the house pretending to be angry and waiting to get into drs. for 6 weeks.
    I convinced him to go away together December 14-17, 2012.
    He & I arrived home the morning of December 17th, 2012, he dropped me at home (I was sick and disappointed, but understanding) as he returned to his friend’s house, he went to work the morning of the 18th and then returned home to the children and I the night of the 18th for good. The children and I were so hopeful that life would be good again and we would be more mindful and considerate of one another BLAH BLAH BLAH………..


    October, 2012 – I go away to celebrate my Mom’s 75th bday out-of-state
    Halloween, 2012 – I return home
    November 3, 2012 – He Stages Fight and leaves the house for his friends house.
    December 14-17, 2012 – He & I go away together for a weekend alone. He agrees to come home on the 18th.
    December 17th, 2012 – He drops me off at home (I’m sick, disappointed, but understanding) as he returns to his friends house for the night to sleep and go to work the next morning for 6am.
    December 18th, 2012 – 7pm – he returns home for good.

    He was doing yardwork – it was an ordinary day – we’d been through the holidays, family had come and gone and I was up for “Wife-of-the-Millenia” as I now walked on eggshells and played the role of “The Good Wife” as I “should have done”, right? eh…..he left his computer open on the coffee table and I saw no harm in looking at his FB pics – I got way more than I bargained for as I stumbled upon the most profane thread exchanged between he and some female who was obviously intimately familiar with him and “LOVED HIM” very much and “HE LOVED HER SO MUCH IT HURT” – he came inside, I confronted him, he denied, denied, denied – little by little, he would admit – he swore on our children he had sex with her once. Did I mention I’m a “Sensitive”? From January 31st, 2012 – June 20th, 2012 (the day after our wedding anniversary), I was certain I was losing my mind – since my psychic instinct was preventing me from eating, sleeping, functioning……as this “man” swore on everything holy it was one time – I knew it wasn’t, but I needed him to admit it – he never did – I caught him by springing out of bed at 3am on June 20th and looking at the filthy pictures she’d sent him and there, in my face the whole time, was the JPEG date on the very last picture – 1:35 am 12-18-2012 – The day after we returned from our “Magical” weekend and he had to return to his friends house because he had left his gear there, was with her at 1:00am, went to work for 6:00am and returned home to me and the children at 7:00 pm that evening.

    There are no “Nice Guys”, there’s no point in me leaving him – I’ll never be with anyone ever again. Every dream I’ve ever dared dream has been crushed into dust. I live for my children and myself. My physical status doesn’t warrant me being alone at this point in my life even if I had the strength mentally or physically to contemplate it. I’m a loser at love. Period. The Irony – I was the Hopeless Romantic – The Idyllic. I am the Artist, yet I now strain to see the beauty. I’ve lost over 60 pounds in less than a year and it continues to come off – I wear a juniors 5/6 now – I’m 46 – I stay awake for over 40 hours at a stretch – I just can’t close my eyes. My Heart is Broken.

    • Dear pamperedjane

      Stumbled across your post and felt I had to reply…I was in an abusive relationship with the man I loved more than any man I had ever (thought) I loved. He completely broke my heart – I have had it broken twice so I know how it feels like your heat has literally been ripped in two and your chest hurts. I was totally broken.
      I had moved countries to be with this guy. I left my (really good) job, family, friends. Everyone said it was a mistake, I did not care. I felt it was the first time I ever loved someone properly (my previous relationship started when I was 16 – too young and immature to know real love) Now I know I loved him too much I forgot myself. He led me to believe he felt the same , I think situation was reversed and he was too young. He always smoked weed I had no problem with that but he was so addicted and then went to harder drugs. This caused me to drink more heavily which he hated but I hated his drug use so things just got worse and worse. He went away for work for a couple of weeks then when he came back I heard him on the phone talking to someone he had met inviting her to stay in our flat! So I left, she visited then when she left he was back on the phone to me. I loved him so much and I had to leave my rented accommodation so we I moved back in. We argued a lot – there had been occasional acts of violence but one day he clamped his hand so hard on my mouth my tooth went through my lip and I had the biggest bruise. Had to go to work next day & make up excuses. I moved out again this time with the pets he had bought me and felt so alone and sad. He used to come and visit me which made it harder. The he went away again for work and left me to pack up his flat. When he got back, I stupidly let him move back in with me at my new place as I still loved him despite it all. I got pregnant and miscarried. While I was in hospital he had a crash in my car. Things were so bad I felt this was my last chance for children and I was with a man so erratic and unstable not even working he would be a terrible father. He was no comfort to me throughout this all. Soon after, I got home from work one day (he was not working at this time) and I found all my stuff , personal items, shoved in the wardrobe. It was obvious he had been expecting a girl round and was pretending he was single. I checked his phone and yes, realised I had been a complete fool. I kicked him out and felt so lonely all my family thousands of miles away. For over a year I was so depressed, felt suicidal. That is when I had the sleepless nights, walking round the streets at 1am it was terrible. No interest in anything.

      Good thing I had a job and nice colleagues who helped me through it. I felt despair so as soon I saved enough, I moved back to my home country after 7 years away and it was very hard. I felt certain I was never going to ever love anyone ever again, this man (and the losers I met after) deserted my faith in men. Then I looked at my Dad and brother and thought well here are 2 nice men there must be more, surely?

      I tried dating sites but only met one guy I liked but more as a friend. Then one day, a man I have known a long time came back into my life. I have had doubts for a while but I was reminded by my sister in-law to take each moment for what it is and I found this really helps. We make each other happy, laugh, talk, cuddle, kiss, have passionate sex.

      I seriously, never thought this love would ever happen to me and now it has at the age I am even though my own father remarried at age 60. Please, please, please don’t lose faith and hope. I am not by any means saying my relationship is perfect (what relationship is in real life)?, I don’t expect it to last (again, what does in real life?) BUT it fired me up in the sense I have hope and optimism in life again. Life is not easy but if you stay open and try to heal it will get better. It is grieving – i lost my mum, was devastated and numb but it DOES. In a way, this was worse as parents you expect to lose but a life of normal marriage and kids well that is something most people assume.

      I was with my ex 7 years – took a year of being near suicidal, a year of hopeless depression and 2+ years of trying to heal (self help stuff, CRYING A LOT!!, and making mistakes) but I am so glad that if none of it had happened, I would not be in the situation I am in now – now I know what real love is, I know if you do not care for yourself why should anyone else?. Never mind the others, you need to know you are happy with yourself to make others happy. One day you will look at the world and see beauty again give it time don’t give up xxxx

  6. I have a question, if you don’t mind.Taking into account the fact that there are individual differences involved as well, what would you say is the ideal or even the maximum limit for the age gap between two individuals who are in a romantic relationship? I’m leaning towards 3 years or less with the man being the older one in the relationship since psychology has taught us that women do generally mentally mature faster than men. Would you say this is a plausible theory? Or perhaps it depends on what age the couples are. For example, the age gap might not matter so much when you’re in your 50’s when compared to when you’re both still in your 20’s.

    • Mark, there is no maximum limit. My gf and I are 12 years apart. We have our problems, but they were HELPED by our age difference, not hindered by it. It helped me because she is so incredibly beautiful that I would overlook a lot and forgive a lot more than I would if I didn’t wake up to someone so young and beautiful. And it helped her because she needs someone to take care of her a little more than most people.

      Sometimes 5 years can be too much of a difference and sometimes 25 years works out really well. Personality and personal issues determine success in a relationship. Not age.

    • No I don’t mind at all.. I would say generally best for the male to be at least 1-2 years older however it can work if the couple are committed, irrelevant of age.
      I wouldn’t say the older you are, the less age gap is less relevant as many older say men in their 50’s would still (in my opinion) prefer a 30-40 year old woman but may realistically not be able to attract one. Also to be taken into account is that some women are immature no matter their age so therefore attract immaturity.
      Laws of attraction. I realise now my immature behaviour attracted an immature male! It is not so much about physical age I think.

      • The Law Of Attraction. Be careful of what you wish for and think of. I believe it and I’ve experienced it. You learn. You grow. You come out stronger:)

  7. It is good to hear that i am not the only one who is going through this feeling right now. I am beyond repairable. I’ve come to known today that my bf for 2 years is engaged already. We dont have a formal breakup. And still hoping that we can fix things together but i guess its already fixed. I am hurt so bad, no such word would fit to describe what i am feeling today. But i have no choice but to carry this with me for awhile. I want to believe that everything has its reason why these things happened and just wait for the right time . My time to love myself and to be loved at the same time.

    • I think it is definitely time to think about yourself, life is to short to depend on other people you need to take care of yourself because you are the only one living this life with you to the end. If people love you embrace it and if they don’t they are not worth feeling bad about it because you should never feel bad about being who you are, everyone has a right to feel happy and don’t let them get you down. If they love you they will be there & if they’re not, let them go. x

  8. I made a list of 10 things I wanted in a man, and I gave that list to God. During that time there was a man at my work who was all of that but he was 9 years younger so I never thought him a candidate. I even prayed to God sighting him as an example of the type of man I would like to marry. 18 years pass. That very man began to court me, and we had a lovely friendship and he became my lover and husband. Sounds like a wonderful ending to a story, but that isn’t the end. Today, we are facing divorce, hard to believe but it is tearing me apart. I am in an apartment while he is at our home. Things fell apart, because I allowed the step-son’s antics to get the best of me; I ought to have been more patient and not complained but he was 21 and it just caused me so much stress because my husband would side with the son and he wanted to be a friend to him instead of a father and I didn’t back down because I felt I was not being respected and I hated the living arrangements, its a long story I won’t go into. Things escalated and got very ugly between us and it was like I wanted it over so I would at this point purposely make it ugly hoping for a divorce. My husband began to not be affectionate and then I wondered if he were in an emotional affair, so I began snooping and made myself untrustworthy as I didn’t trust him, and I know it sounds like I am blaming myself, however, he did plenty things wrong too, like why couldn’t he explain not wanting to friend me on FB, and he said I may see something and get jealous, then I was, and on and on it went. Now that I am away from my husband I cried daily for 3 months and miss him so much, and regret not praying instead of complaining. He won’t talk to me and said he needs a break, and I made all the wrong mistakes calling and texting and now, he says he wants a divorce, so then I begged again and now he said we must have 3 weeks of silence, and I just feel if he really loved me then we would communicate or get joint therapy. My car broke down and I needed help so I texted and even left a voicemail and no response from him, I ought to be mad but instead I am worried that because I broke the silence we won’t have a chance, I hate this stage of not knowing one way or another very miserable, I know I ought to forget the past, live in the moment, and not think of the future and know time heals….

    • First, let me say thank you to Amelie. This site is one-of-a-kind online. It is as unique as it is needed.

      I’m a little under 30. Years ago, I met a young woman close to my age, and the fire was lit immediately. She was married, with a child, but that didn’t matter.

      That probably makes me seem like a bad person, but our hearts belonged to each other so fast. It was almost as though I didn’t have a chance. I am a sucker for the innocent girl-next-door.

    • In my humble opinion – please distance yourself from this man and give yourself a chance to get over him. You know in your heart if he cared one iota he would have been there to help when your car broke down.That is something you would hope a friend/acquaintance would do let alone your lover & he did not even call after to see if you were ok.

      Personally I think words are so easy to say, mean nothing to some, but actions show your true intentions. By leaving you alone that shows his intent is to show you he does not care. I feel would be better for YOU to accept it is over , draw a line. if you continue to waste your energy on this person it will make it very hard for you (I know this).

      Everyone deserves happiness, if he is making you more unhappy than happy you have to let it go – best sooner than later. take care of yourself xx

      • I couldn’t agree more Ou, friends will drop everything for you in your hour in need but if your lover won’t then that’s a red flag………he can’t have feelings for you because if he did he would have been there in a heartbeat. Harsh to hear I know but I sadly know this from bitter experience, turn the tables Sally, would you have rushed to his aid in his hour of need? Of course you would, and why? Because you love him that’s why! So the fact that he wouldn’t do the same for you tells me one thing and one thing only, this guy doesn’t love you and you are better off without him.

  9. I am 50 years old and felt an incredible closeness with a woman who broke my heart when I was 39. anyway, after going through all the emotions that other people have stated here, here’s what i found out that enabled healing to take place. after stripping back everything to the core, the emotional state that remained, and would just not go away, was the ‘missing, of that closeness’ and that this ‘missing’ bit was occuring and happening deep within me and therefore had nothing to do with anyone or anything in the outside world. to me, this insight was a logical conclusion. it then dawned on me that i had been assuming that she was the cure. and that this meant that i had been freely giving another, a kind of ‘power’ over me.
    so i then decided to cultivate this closeness and intimacy with myself and slowly but surely the pain of ‘missing’ started to dissapear. dont get me wrong i have’nt turned into a heartless, cold or closed down person, far from it. its just that i learned to develop this closeness with a person called me, and when someone comes along now they compliment and enhance it and if or when they leave i no longer crumble, it still stings as it should, but i dont crumble anymore. the closeness does’nt leave me. its an incredibly liberating experience and i will always be grateful for that insight.

    • “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
      ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
      Hi Will,
      I chose to reply coz my BD falls on the 14th march.

    • you are lucky that you managed to gain this insight will, and that you have found it a liberating experience. I am still so broken-hearted that I am finding it hard to get pass one day at a time. I sleep, but as soon as I wake I think of him, and the lovely times we had. I cry at the drop of hat and I never feel that this pain will ever truly go away. I got made redundant so I don’t have a job at the moment to even concentrate on. Life just seems totally meaningless, and at 58 I do not believe that I will ever find love again, and that hurts so bad as well. I truly know that I will never ever love anyone like I love him. I met him when I was 50 so I do know that to be a fact.
      I am glad for you and I wish you all the best in all you achieve.

    • Can I just say your comment made me light up inside. Right now I’m recovering from a guy that had me mystified. I felt myself completely come alive in the brief time that I knew him, and then I felt an immense pain and heartache upon our parting of ways (this is still affecting me). However, you have such a good point. Is this aliveness that we experience, when we connect with another person, not a part of ourselves that is awakened because of our ability to connect and love? I so like your realization that giving back to yourself closeness and intimacy will make you feel whole again. Such a good point that I can’t even replicate in trying to express my appreciation for you conveying. Thank you.

    • You brought up a very good point. You said the “‘missing’ bit was occurring and happening deep within me and therefore had nothing to do with anyone”. Although My situation is rather ridiculous, I still think your point applies. I am just turned 70 years old and have fallen in love with a very remarkable young woman who is 30 years old. Of course there is no way a relationship that age diverse could work. It is just not fair to the young woman and unrealistic that she would share my feelings. However unrealistic my fantasy is, nonetheless, my feelings and heartache are real and I am miserable. I now think that my issue is due to many years of loneliness and a desire to find that “missing” part that has been suppressed for years and resides deep inside. As special and as remarkable as I perceive this young woman to be I don’t think it is her so much as the need and desire to find relief for that deep seated feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Not completely sure but I think I am working my way closer to reality. But in the mean time, I sure am miserable as I think about her constantly and dwell on the fact that I can never be with her.

  10. So my story is a little different. I was with the man of my dreams for 3 years. He never did anything wrong but just wasn’t able to communicate with me. He never expressed that he loved me although I felt it through his kisses and touches. He was never taught how to communicate and express his love. We moved in together for about 3 months… He started withdrawing from me and finally I confronted it. He said he needed to work on himself before he could be with me. He knows that it would be selfish of him to make me wait around for him to decide if I was the one. How could I hate him? It makes me love him so much more. My heart hurts so bad.. I feel like I lost my best friend… My soulmate. I’m lost without him. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I barely eat. I just lay in bed and cry most of the time. I just want to hide from the world. My family… My friends… I introduced him to them as “the one” and how do I face them now? God, my heart hurts so bad. Just to think, he’s probably going to marry the next girl that comes along. It makes me want to wither away. What do I do? Hold on to the hope that one day he’ll wake up and realize I was the one? I can’t let him go… I don’t want to. I love him so much…

    • Dear Lost,

      I’m reading through this site and it’s just filled with so much hurt and pain, and you are suffering terribly too. I have no quick fixes, but to let you know I have known that pain you are suffering and at the moment am going through it again. I’m in my sixties so age is no barrier when it comes to feeling like your very spirit is suffocating inside of you. It’s a dreadful feeling, absolutely rock bottom, but, I have picked myself up before and hope to do it again. It just takes t-i-m-e sweetie, a lotta, lotta t-i-m-e….don’t put a time limit on it, do it at your own pace and don’t let anybody tell you when THEY think you should get over it. All the very best to you and to all who are feeling broken and sad, just take your time, after all, it’s your time and you spend it as you wish..take care – my thoughts are with you…

    • You must let him go & understand he has to find himself & grow up before he can be responsible for loving anyone. Don’t worry about your friends it is your life. It is not the be all and end all to have a partner & once you love yourself again the right person will turn up when you least expect it. Let him go – if he is not committed to you he is not worth your heartache, you deserve better. If you want something or someone too much it won’t happen. You are your own best friend as you are the only one with you your whole life so trust yourself and get on with your life do what YOU want.

    • Dear Lost,

      OMG!!!! l am going thru the exact same thing except I am exactly 10yrs older than he and I am 53 years old. It’s a shame to say but he was my first love. I’ve always been the type of person who would never let anyone get close to my heart because they would always do something stupid and not earn my trust. The person who broke up with me has the same issues of not being able to communicate. I’m the type of person who is very expressive and have no problems communicating. He was very good to me, very attentive and loving and even took care of me after I have two foot surgeries. We both don’t have children. We’ve been dating 14 years. All I ever wanted was for him to tell me what he wanted out of life. I’ve asked him several times in the past if he wanted to break up so that he could meet someone else to possible have a family and he always said no. I asked him these things so that he would not feel that he’s waisted time with me. Well a month ago, my father past away. Two weeks later, he tells me that a girl he’s been seeing is pregnant but yet he said that it was a possibility that the baby wan’t his. Who would want to be with a person like that!!
      We’ve never lived together and he’s always lived with his mother. He’s never taken chances in life and I should have personally ended this years ago. We’ve traveled to many places. But he told me he didn’t want to be with this girl. Well, on Christmas day I was with his mom and him having Christmas dinner. The next day he and I was suppost to go to the movies–I tried calling him all day. Then when I finally got thru, the girl he’s been seing got on the phone and told me he was over me and for me to stop calling him. I was devestated and blindsided!! All he had to do was to tell me he wanted to move on. I’d been apart of his family for so long, going to family reunions and to all the major events. He has to grow up as well and figure it out. But this is really fresh and I know I will not meet anyone else. He and I were friends for a long time before we became a couple. I am truly alone because I don’t have any family nor friends where I live. The only good thing from this so far is that his Mom did call me to say she’s sorry for how the relationship ended.
      I haven’t called him nor texted him, But has texted me to talk about his new girlfriend.
      I don’t know what to do–this hurts so bad!!
      What I do know is that I’ll never love like this again because it took this long to love the first time.

    • This is exactly what I’m going through at the moment. My bf of 4 years feels he’s holding me back because he doesn’t know when he’ll be able to marry (if ever)…. He knows that’s something I want/deserve. I am 35 and he is 30. Do you have an update on your situation.

  11. Hi, I have never really had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. I always found stuff that irritated me in the relationships with boys my age. I’m 23 years old and I about a year ago I fell in love with my boss. He is divorced and has children and is in a relationship. He is 16 years my elder. At first it started with a stupid crush, he made me blush all the time, praised me about good work. We started having conversations over facebook, at first about work then it got more personal. We started to chat on whatsapp more often after a few months of facebooking. He always tried to hide the fact that he was attracted to me.

    He usually goes out after to work for a beer and then home, well I guess after a lot of flirting over whatsapp he got very brave after a beer and so did I (at home), he drove to my house at 23:00 and we started making out. And that was it for me. Right then and there I fell. I’m so in love with this man it actually hurts. I never wanted to be with a guy as much as I want to be with this man. We have crazy sexual chemistry! A week after that he came to fetch me and at his house we made out some more and talked…then his girlfriend started texting him and wanted to come over. I’ve never felt like this for anyone before…and this is the first time I had feelings for such an older man.

    I feel sick for doing something like this to his girlfriend…but I tried concentrating on the fact that I am for the first time totally in love with a guy. I wrote him this really really sappy Romeo-Juliet type of love letter and told him what I felt. He loved it. But things like his girlfriend and my job came between us all the time and after that night he took me home before his girlfriend came over, nothing has been the same. I feel lost….I can’t get him off my mind!! I love this man so much, but he does not show his feelings that easily. He asked me to be patient with him. But to be honest I’m not sure whether he only wants a sexual relationship or something more serious. I would start my life with this man in a heartbeat if that was what he wanted. I’m to scared to ask him to tell me straight whether we have a future or not cause I don’t want to lose him…I can’t bear the thought!

    Now I barely see him, and it breaks me. He doesn’t seem to care much though. Now I’m starting to wonder whether I should let go. But how can I fall out of love with this man? My heart is breaking over and over again. Don’t know what I should do…

    • Sasha, sorry for your heartbreak. You don’t need to confront him. You know what the deal is. If he wanted to be with you then he would be. It sucks that guys (even more mature guys) won’t actually sever the cord and give closure, but I think that’s because we know what happens when we do. Big drama. Know that most of what you feel for this guy is your projection on him. He’s not really who you dream him to be. Good luck.

  12. Well, i know this might sound crazy. Maybe getting it out will help. A few years ago I worked with a guy & there was just something about him that always made me smile. Everything, from knowing it was soon time for him to start (he worked the shift after mine), to seeing him, hearing his voice to seeing his helmet in the lunchroom. We talked all the time & became good friends. I would vent to him about how unhappy i was. I always felt like my husband didn’t love me like he should. Like he only did it cuz it was the right thing to do because we had a child. He never boasted himself and was always understanding & just listened. This should be great right?! Well, only one problem….i was married & he had a girlfriend. After a few months we began to have an affair. And it went on for about 3 months till his girlfriend found out. We ended it & i was heartbroken. But felt so stupid because i was married & it should’ve never happened in the first place. He transferred to another location & I found another job. A year later when leaving work i found a small note stuck in the window of my car door. His name & number with Call Me :). So i immediately smiled a huge smile & called him. We met up once more & didn’t speak for about a year. Within the past year & a half my husband & i welcomed a baby into the world & 2 months after my husband asked for a divorce due to being unhappy. Within time i had started thinking about that guy more and more. Wished on shooting stars that one day he would be mine & i could finally be happy. I felt amazing just being around this guy!! 7 months later i began to talk to that guy again. We started a real relationship. I was ecstatic and so happy!!! I had never been so happy! Then my husband wants to talk. I agree, & he pours his heart out apologizing for everything he put me thru & wanted to make it right. I should say no right?! Instead, i broke up with my boyfriend who loved me like crazy. Then only 2 weeks later my husband changes his mind & goes back to his girlfriend. So, i went back into the relationship with that guy again.Claiming never to leave him again. 🙁 Husband comes back again & i feel confused. I break it off with my boyfriend again needing space to sort things out. I couldn’t & still don’t understand why I keep leaving someone so good hearted, loved me so much he’d do Anything for me. I absolutely love how he loves me. I feel like a queen. Butwhy do i keep leaving to go back to my husband? I can’t help but think about how i felt throughout the marriage, how do i kno he’ll change & it’ll be better? Now I’m back and forth. I don’t know what to do. :'( i broke that guys heart & mine. I feel working on the marriage is the right thing to do but feel sick in my stomach when i think about seeing that guy with someone else. I just want to cry & i miss him so much. Why do I feel so equally torn??

  13. I am writing as i hope it will be the catalyst to stop me falling in love, I am 40+ and the girl i am wanting to not fall for is only 21. She became a housemate a few weeks ago and long story short i fancied her ofc but never thought anything of it due to the age difference and she has a bf.

    Then one night after a few drinks together we ended up sleeping together (never thought i would have to write that crummy line – but it happens a lot i guess ).

    Honestly i used to be a total player but gave that all up almost 10 years ago and accepted being single, and even after sleeping together i never expected cupid to deal me this blow, I thought i would walk away – be friends (with benefits maybe). But now 2 days later I cant eat, sleep or think except about her.

    She understandably needs time to think things through as i was honest about how i felt and we have briefly met since then and as i held her I knew i had totally fallen for her…. not sure if i should try to avoid her as scared of the possible rejection, act normal and try to shrug it off or just allow this love to show and pray for the heartbreak i fear to not happen.

    I guess i am so scared to get hurt, and so annoyed i have fallen like this yet cannot find a way to “put the brakes on” my feelings for her…. all these things and a 20 year age gap which atm i couldn’t care about tbh.

    I hope by reading this back a few times online i can find the reasoning i need to be sensible.

    • I’m 40 and I fell for a 21 year old. It lasted 6 months. It Began like a dream, but failed terribly. It’s been 2 months now, and the heart break has not let up… Everyone, family and friends insisted against the relationship.. And that really impacted how I thought and acted. If I could do it again? Yeah for sure, but I know deep down we were in two COMPLETLY different worlds..and at best would have lasted a year or two.

  14. I’m starting to believe age does matter im 20 and my boyfriend is 21. We have been together for almost 6 years and although our age difference is minor, our differences in maturity is becoming to much for me to handle. I feel like I am in a relationship with a 12 year old sometimes and to be honest i have met 12 year old more mature. When I try to talk to him about my feelings he laughs or mocks me and its frustrating because I don’t think he understands how close I am to leaving him. We have a good life, a place of our own, good money, a car, jobs and we do love each other but we are on two different levels and its starting to keep me up at night. I cook and clean take care of him and our household but instead of feeling like im being a loving “housewife” I feel like im taking care of my junky teenage son. When I was fourteen I thought he was immature in a cute way but that’s because I was fourteen now its almost 6 years later and not much has changed since then. Anyway my point is I love him and want to be with him because I see the good qualities in him but I feel like I’m just living with my best guy friend and who i occasionally have sex. He never kisses me in public or sits close to me when our friends and us get together. I’m starting to open my eyes and notice that when we have get togethers everyone is cuddling and kissing and expressing their love for each other while im on a love seat by myself while my boyfriend is throwing cheetos at me from across the room. Friends who have been together as long as we have (and some have been together shorter than we have)who don’t even live together are getting married and having kids. I don’t want to force something on someone but I can’t keep lying to myself I want to get married and have kids we can afford it and we have the space. I just want you guys to tell me if I’m wasting my time here should I leave him or hang in there? Should I look for an older guy who would want the same things i want that most men in our age group aren’t ready for? I love my boyfriend i just hate his immaturity.

  15. I am 29yrs and willl turn 30 in October. I have dated this guy for 5years now and we live together. 3 weeks ago a girl showed and claimed that they had a son together 7 years ago. my fiancee says that he never know about it because the girl never told him untill now. I feel that he has waste my 5 years and i feel like i will end up being alone

    • Hi I dated my ex for 6 years. I met him when I was 26 he was 28. I was so attracted to him when I first met him through a friend. He told me at first that he only had two sons and that was fine.after a few months of dating he told me he loved me and i loved him too but didn’t tell him at first because I didn’t want to get hurt. After a little while I fell in love with him. I thought he was the love of my life. Then out of nowhere decides to tell me he lied and has two other kids… two girls. I never thought I would date anyone with kids and four at that, but I accepted it. I think he was scared to tell me it was four at first.But I loved him so much at that point I didn’t care.

      I loved a lot of things about him, he was goal oriented, the way he loved his kids. I loved his kids. I thought he was in love with me. We lived together most of our relationship. We went on vacations together and talked about the future. I told him I wanted babies. I thought we were happy and in love and going to get married in the future.
      After a few years of dating , out of nowhere some girl he worked with added me on myspace and I found it weird at first but thought nothing of it. Everyone says follow your gut feeling but I didn’t feel like anything was going on between them. Maybe I was blind sided by what I thought was love. So I just ignored it. Deleted my MySpace and went on with life. Still dating thinking we were in love and happy. A couple years later after that he makes a Facebook page and adds that girl. Again I didn’t think anything too strongly about it but thought it was weird. Then a few days after that out of nowhere he calls me at work and tells me he’s been seeing her and at first for only a year. After he told me that, I hung up. I left my desk and was crying hysterically in the bathroom. My best friend who I worked with came to console me. I had to leave work crying. I was so hurt. I went home and called him at work crying asking him again how long have you been seeing her and why then he says I don’t know three or four years like nothing like he didn’t care. The minute I heard that… I felt like my heart was breaking I was such in shock .I felt like I didn’t know this person anymore and how could he do this to me? I thought we were in love. I seriously thought I was a lucky girl with him. I seriously thought … Wow I have a good one. And Bam he hit me with the worst news I ever heard. I got so mad and hurt I told him to leave our place he didn’t even try to stay and apologize. After a week or two I decided to take him back. He promised me it was over and even called the girl in front of me and told her it was over and all she said was ok… I thought that was a little weird. Still hurt and now having that gut feeling something wasn’t right.the next day I went to work and decided to check his phone calls because I had access to it and now decided to check. I saw that he had never ended with her the whole time still talking to her. I was even more hurt now and started crying told my boss I had to go home. I was walking the streets crying hysterically trying to find a cab to take me home right away because I knew my ex was still at home and wanted to confront him.I flagged down a cab and tried to hold in my tears but I think the driver noticed. I told him I have to go
      Home and then he says I’m not a driver I’m only a mechanic but I can take you. I got home and he didn’t even charge me.That was so nice of that man. Even though that was kind of crazy going into a car with stranger. I wasnt thinking straight. I ran inside and started throwing his stuff out . I was yelling at him starting hitting him. That’s when he decides to hit me. I was such in shock again because he has never put a hand on me and now I was super mad and super hurt. Then he left. We didn’t see each other for a couple months. He would call and leave messages and apologize. We didn’t live together anymore but I decided to see him again a second chance …I don’t know why but I still loved this man even after all this betrayal , lies. So a few months went by and I find out from a friend that this girl he was having a affair with is pregnant. She had a boyfriend and a daughter this whole time. But for some reason my gut would tell me that again it’s not over with them and this baby could be his. But he swore and swore again that it was over and there was no way that baby was his. He swore on the life of his own kids and mother that the baby wasn’t his. I still was seeing him but didn’t trust him. I would nag him over and over til that baby was born that he better tell me if there’s a possibility it was his. He always denied it. Then she had the baby and I would always wonder what it looked like so I saw on Facebook and then I could my ex in the baby a little bit but wasn’t sure. A month after the baby was born he calls me again out of nowhere and tells me the baby looks black which my ex was and the girls boyfriend was Hispanic. I took that as he was telling me it’s his. I found out from someone else that it is his baby. After that I never spoke to him again. I cried for weeks. I was so so heartbroken. I wanted to die. I thought this man was the love of my life and that I would have his baby and we would be a family. He lied to me the whole time. It’s been two years and I still cry every now and then thinking of the good times and why this had to happen to me. I’m still single and dated but never wanted to commit to anyone. I’m still not ready. This pain is unreal and I wish this kind of heartache on no one. I was so betrayed. Throughout the two years he would try to get in contact with me through friends or my family but I wouldn’t talk to him.He started to email me recently apologizes and tells me he never stopped loving me and he knows he messed up.I don’t trust this man at all. I don’t think he’s trying to get back with me. I don’t know if it’s just guilt now. I know I should just ignore the emails but it’s hard. I know I don’t want to see this man or hear about what’s going on in his life. I’m scared to hear that he is with her. It would hurt so bad. I know Its been two years since it ended but I can’t seem to stop hurting. I think about the past every now and then. Why me, why did he have to lie and betray me? It still hurts so much where I literally feel my heart breaking and I can’t breathe. I cry when no one is around. I cry while writing this. It hurts soo much. When will this pain end?

    • First, i don’t believe that time in love is ever wasted. The more love tat is made makes more love in the world. You have helped the world.
      Second, if he did not know that he had a child, how is he a at fault?
      Do you have enough room in your heart for him and his kid?
      Did he say he was leaving you for the mom of his kid? Not enough info.
      Sorry your heart is hurting. This sucks.
      Love is an infinite resource. There’s enough for the whole world and to the moon and back. Most folks just don’t know that.
      You are loved.

  16. loved this girl like there was nothing else in this world. it’s been 9 years since she cheated on me and threw away the marriage proposal that came from her lips. But I still cry for her at night.

    • I’m going through the same thing the only difference is mine happened 2 years ago I know it was stupid to forgive them for the trespass against me but now it five days after the ex wife decided to ask me to leave I am still crying every night can barely sleep I am forcing myself to eat and I am starting to move forward you will to just take my advice if you are not sure what you should do if the funds are available why not treat yourself to a place you always wanted to go I’m sitting at my wife’s most hated places like the Bar’s or coffee houses and just soak up the new atmosphere check out the sites that u always wanted to see around your area just do anything that your ex wouldn’t have wanted you and her to do it doesn’t make since but believe that I’m ready for the world of being me not what my ex wanted me to be live for the moment and you will find true happiness

  17. Few lessons i learnt from my past relationship:

    -Cheating does’nt help, having a back up plan does’nt either. When you really love someone. Nothing prepares you for the day they leave.

    -When a woman says shes unhappy with you and you have geniunely been trying your best to make her happy, the problem is not with you. She has her eyes set on another person, shes just un-happy shes stuck with you. It can get so bad she cant sleep at night.

    -No matter the situation be a man, behave like a man in fighting for your relationship and when they day finally comes (99% that day will come) when she’s had enough and walks out take it like a man. (DONT do drugs, dont start smoking, or drinking excessively, dont obssess -like i did- it will only disgust the people that trully appreciate you and want to help.)

    I am 24 years old. Its still been difficult for me to move on even after I changed geographical location since the break up almost a year ago. I have finally accepted shes never coming back. When ever I feel like cursing her I pray for her.

    • Hi. I’m replying this cz its so close to home and wat u wrote is rily sad..especially wen u said ‘Wen u truly luv someone nothing prepares u for d day they leave’.

  18. EH,

    we loved for 4 years then she just wanted to go with other,perhaps she wanted to go early.she was looking for a chance to put everything on me and leave but before it her plan was fail and i got to know that she was being dating other boy,i just loved a wrong girl

    • same me met true love one year but can not cloes bez man no like me me very love him but him very heartless lie with me he love me final make me broken heart me try anyting for love he is man in dreams but he alway say me play internet never belive me or see me Important me very care he but him never care me now me near 27 time pass one week me dont know how do i no have my hope can not belive try for get but can not he say with me no good me try control my heart now me live alone me think some time come back love own much more and i sould forget he if we can not close he very heartless with me

  19. Hi, im 23 and currently dealing with a breakup as well. I dated this guy for about 2 months, but before I start, let me say that before this guy I hadn’t been official with anyone since my last bf which was 5 years ago. I’ve worked on being a strong, single, and independent young woman. This guy came out of now where, and I was pretty excited at the beginning, but then I started to think too much about other things, how would this affect my single life I had worked so hard to feel proud of? I started doubting the relationship, and I was certain, I most likely would have to break it off. I liked him, but I was having a hard time letting go of my single life and a hard time bringing down my wall, I was scared of getting hurt. I wasn’t as warm and fuzzy as I know I could have been with him and he started to have doubts too. He decided to end things, because he didn’t think we were fit for each other, he needs more emotional attention (i know i can give that), and since I am most likely moving next year, he thought it would be best to break it off before he got more attached and I agreed to everything, but now Im going through a real depression. I wish I would have told him to give it another try. Maybe I realized too late, that the way I was acting sabotaged something that could have been awesome. Now, I don’t know if I want to move, not cus of him, but because it would be so far from friends and family and i’m scared that the same story would repeat itself if I move and find a guy out there, because I don’t plan to live out of my town for more that 2 years. I don’t know what to do. In a way, I want to reach out to the guy and talk to him, but at the same time should I just let him go?

    • Hi Mel,

      I read what you said and fully understand the feeling. But as young and beautiful women we should not dwell on worthless guys.
      A reliable person who cared would have gotten back to you, and just think : it’s simply his loss !
      There are plenty of great men out there just waiting for an opportunity like you!
      Let’s say it happened for a good purpose (even if it’s like impossible to see the good point in a heartbreak, but it’s all about life lessons and learning how grow stronger and fight for what is worth your time and love (:

      When you lack of love and respect you will know how to recognize it 100 %
      So there you go girl !!!!

      Good luck x

  20. I feel stupid for writing this, but I recently lost my first love. I’m only 17 years old, so many would see this as a developmental step in the learning process of life. But before I met this girl I was not a very good guy. I was a player of sorts. But I met this girl and knew that I wanted to be better for her. I changed my ways and became a sweet, loving guy. I didn’t expect to, but I fell in love with her and it got worse and worse every day. I thought she was special and worth my time. We dated for 14 months and towards the end, I felt like I was losing her although she would never admit it. Then abruptly, after numerous confessions on how much she loved me, she broke up with me. If I had been a jerk to her or I had cheated then I would understand. But I gave everything to make things work. And her reason was that she “just wanted to be single”. I later found out that she had left me for someone else. This was only a few months ago so I’m still rather depressed. I am currently in a bad place and I think I’m going crazy. I dream about her every night. There is no way I can contact her because she blocked my number so she wouldn’t be reminded of me. I see her almost every day in school with that guy and it crushes me everytime. I don’t understand how I deserved what she did after I was the good guy. She lied to me about how she really felt. Maybe at one point she loved me. But nothing she did made any sense to me.

    • I have just your post and I can only say, hang in there. I know it doesn’t help but I know exactly how you feel about loss and I am a great deal older than you! I fell in love with a Lady, idolised her, gave her everything for nearly two years, I thought she was happy and loved me, that is until eight weeks ago. I went to the hospital (I’m a cancer survivor) planning to take her to lunch after the check up.
      I came out of the hospital, switched on my cell and a message came through, “I don’t want to see you anymore!” I went to see her and she would give me no explanation other than “I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore!” She has still not given me any reason for the break up and believe me, I have asked and even pleaded for an answer to my question but she will not tell me. So, tonight I text her telling her that I was deleting her number, call me sometime. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I’m an ex cop!
      It hurts being dumped, it keeps hurting until YOU decide to take control of your life. My Lady was a lot younger than me byt she always said it didn’t matter, maybe it didn’t but somehow I blew it..bigtime.
      I was the same loving, blind idiot as you…and have been dumped! I can honestly say that I’d change places with you in a heartbeat, you have youth and a future, even if you can’t see that now. There will be a lot more girls, a great deal of fun and you’ll make a lot of good memories.
      This girl was not your future, and, there are many great girls out there who won’t mess you around and will return your love.
      Advice from an older man? Be honest, be true, don’t play stupid games with a girl and her feelings, never lie and never do anything that your parents would be ashamed of!
      Get a grip, stop the self pity and the agony, you are inflicting on yourself. One other thing? If you really want her back? Put on your best smile, tell she was probably right to break up with you, let her see you having fun and look your best…it’ll make her lose her power over you and make her wonder what happened? But please, don’t play games but don’t plead, beg or make yourself look like a pathetic soul, how do I know this? I’ve done all the begging and pleading in the last eight weeks!
      I wish you well, look in the mirror, smile and start living!!!

      • Wow! robert you are really braver than what you give yourself credit for, character is what you base yourself to, to me you have true character , there is no way around scertain emotions , trials and tribulations, without, tring a new flavor of icecream you can’t come to like or dislike, ,but not to the point of obsesion. you’ve arrived! you,ve loved,and lost, but you loved, treasure the moments, it doesnt get any better, and thank her, for those moments , for which would would not have ever,known, and there is someone waiting for you, with that type of love, that you have, right around the corner comes another one, just be ready, to love again, sincerely, heartbroken myself, but looking arund the corner for the next love, Henry

    • I completely understand. My ex just did the same to me, telling me he loved me and didnt want to lose me as i told him i felt i was losing him. Saying that he wanted things to be perfect and then he broke up with me out of nowhere saying he didnt ‘love me as much’. I know the heartbreak and i am hurting so much. But i guess we have to say we deserve someone who will love us no matter what rather than just when it suits them. Someome
      Who perseveres and someone where leaving just isnt on the cards unless it is a mutual decision that you no longer love eachother. I’m sorry and i hope the pain dulls c

  21. I met this guy(navy jet pilot) when I was 19 years old while I was on an interview for a modeling contract. He and I chatted for a moment and did not exchange any information to be able to contact each other in any way. Later that evening I received a phone call from this guy. Shocked, I asked him how he found me and he said it wasn’t easy but that he grabbed a few details that I mentioned about my life and spent hours on the phone talking to people getting information that led him to me. I agreed to go out with him and we dated for awhile. We had sex one night and then he was gone. I was devastated and took 3 years to get over him. He was my fairytale and for a girl who truly believed in Cinderella fanatsies, he was my prince. 20 years later i receive a message on FB from him and we begin talking. I confronted him about what happened and he told me that he did not leave and that he was asked to leave by my then step dad. He then told me that he had tried to get in touuch with me many times and my step dad told him that I did not want to see him. After I read this, I fell to pieces and cried and what could have been. We are both married now and in unhappy marriages with children. We have texted and emailed everyday for the past month or so.At first no big deal and then the relationship began to grow into future plans. We have texted all day every day for the past two weeks. Last night his 18 year old daughter used his phone and read his texts. I got a message this morning that said we must stop texting and it has got out of control. I told him goodbye and now I cannot stop crying. I feel as though I have to get over him all over again. I am intelligent so I keep trying to tell my heart that this whole thing is just stupid but my heart still feels detroyed all over again. My fairytale is crushed all over agin if that is actually possible….

    • Got a fix…if u and he have such strong feelings…o wait ur both married…not good. Any man who is doing that to his own wife is bound to repeat. Ditto for you. Is ur marriage worth ending for ur prince who gave u up cause of ur um stepdad said so….sounds fishy…sounds like he wants a bioty call and u want a dream…wake up and try to work it with ur significantbother…if not move on. Todays world if u want to seperate to see if u want freefom then do it..cant stay married and make everyone else suffer from ur caustic marriage. If its worth keeping then try honesty and possibly marriage counseling. Best of luck

    • stop right now my wife of 11 years just left me and it hurts it hurts so bad
      do not do this to anthoer human do what ever you can to save your marriage

    • Hi,
      I just read your very sad story and wanted to let you know I am feeling very sorry for you. It must have very shocking that he came to your life and left you again. I just hope you will get over this and carry on your life. I do believe that something better will come up for you in life because you deserve that.
      Kind Regards and all the best.

  22. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me last week. He said that, over the last year, his feelings for me started to lessen, but he thought it was just temporary and didn’t want to say anything to me. So he just ignored it. Then, eventually, he realised that he no longer wanted to be with me. He wants to have the freedom to do anything or go anywhere at a moment’s notice. And he can’t do this if he’s in a relationship.

    As hard as it is, I accept that is he feels this way, there is no point in being together. But I can’t help wishing that it wasn’t like this. I wish he’d done something – at least said something – before it became too late. We had just moved in together 3 months ago, everything seemed to be going so well! I hate this feeling of emptiness that I now have inside me. I am trying not to think that I will never find love again. It now seems so hard to believe in love, to believe in people…

    I know the healing process will take time, I just wish I was there already! I wish my heart did not ache so!

    • Natasha, my story is similar to yours – my boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me two weeks over. A year ago, we had talked about getting engaged this past Fall but over the course of the past few months, he had not been happy in our relationship and as it turns out, he no longer sees us as compatible or having a future together.

      We had moved in together recently 6 months ago and everything seemed to be going so well. I consider myself a perceptive person but in this scenario, I was not able to see that he was not happy and that obviously saddens me. I too wish he had expressed his feelings earlier to course correct the situation but I am left feeling abandoned and hurt that he gave up on us. and on me. One moment, we were spending time with friends and family and the next was a phone conversation that left blindsided and heartbroken.

  23. in retrospect have found that if you really analyzed all your heartbreaks at nearly every ocasion one did ignore the warning signs and decide to stay in the fire….AND thats when you get burned. So that initial fear of you breaking it up first will in the end result in less pain. Okay lets see if next time I’m brave enough to initiate the break-up…I just don’t know. Also this is the classic proverbial ‘what goes around comes around’ The so called bad person (the heartbreaker) eventually finds their match and the same is also done to them.

    • Raymond Have to agree. Same girl burned me twice. We got back together after being apart for over a year. Asked her to marry me on Xmas 2013. She said 100 percent yes. Well less than6 weeks she broke it off saying she does love me but not in love with me ” WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN”???? So I am working on getting over her again only this time I am stuck with a $8000.00 ring that can not be returned. My trust in women is gone.

      • I had the same thing happen to me…..the “i love you but am not “in love” with you……….means…..they have someone new…….

    • “Also this is the classic proverbial ‘what goes around comes around’ The so called bad person (the heartbreaker) eventually finds their match and the same is also done to them”.

      hahahaha…. yep, exactly what happened to me. I still sometimes get a bitter taste in my mouth from getting a serving of my own damn medicine. She was cold too, pretty damn sure she gave me too high of a dosage, because I can taste that shit to this day! yuck.

  24. I didn’t think I’d write this, but everyone says it is therapeutic so I thought I’d write one too. Most of the people on this writing are girls but I’m a man but I act different then most others. I stayed a virgin until I was 19 because I wanted to wait for the one, and I thought I finally founder her. It was love at first sight, and when she agreed to go on a date with me I was extatic. We never had time for the date since she always had to babysit in her free time, but we talked on the phone everyday and sent each other a daily picture so we wouldn’t get lonely. One day I confessed my love for her and she said she didn’t love me yet, but she’d like to be my girlfriend. It finally came time for our date last week, and it was perfect. I decided to give her my virginity because she told me she loved me back. 5 days later she broke up with my via text message, blocked my number, unfriended me on facebook, and deleted all of our wall posts and pictures together. I’m devastated, she just took my virginity and left me l, but she acted like she wanted to spend her life with me. That really did help a little, thanks for reading. Sincerely, the unfortunately not virgin, Alex

    • We’re in the same boat!
      It is a divorcee, who robbed me of mine. One who claimed was abused in the past relationship.
      There was true unconditional love from my side. It was always me who initiated conversations online, always me who sympathized with the past emotional betrayal, always me who encouraged. I never heard any praise, no genuine thanks for all those condoling letters I sent. A pure pity-invoker! I saw it as my duty to give encouragement and not to expect anything in return. For a few weeks after our first intimate encounter I felt even proud to have been of use to make this person happy.
      Never told me there were so many casual friends of the opposite sex who took the daily time and attention I craved for, sitting staring at the screen for hours for at least a short text chat. This was after we met and after I saw the pictures of all those friends on the walls! Long long hours spent to draw them with explicit erotic implications in almost all those drawings…The dates put at the bottom of each coincided with the time of all those “busy busy busy” , “too tired to talk”, “no time for niceties now” “my overdue bills”
      How artfully the stage was planned to get that once-in-a-lifetime gift from me, and now it’s only remorse I eat, remorse I see, remorse I walk…
      Imagine waiting for a lifetime to present your pure untouched self to the love of your life, then . . . being duped.
      My self-esteem is gone. How could I be so easily fooled?

  25. I am a 31 yrs old man. I have been with this girl for 9 yrs.
    She cheated on me 2 yrs ago but I didn’t havd sufficient evidence. I trusted her with mylife. She knows me in and out. I saw messages on facebook telling this younger dude hpw much she loves him but she denied any emotional involvement saying that she was just chatting. I used tp be around her every nite. She was busy with her studies n I would let her go out to study with friends. She got pregnant and I was so happy and expectinga boy. One nite she felt asleep with her phone on her face. I woke up and check her phone. She was telling this guy that this is his child and she wants to be with him.(on whatsapp) this shit happened 2 weeks ago. I’m still trying to cope with it. I am heart broken…I found out that they were duscussing a plan on how to tell me. I confronted her and she confessed. She Iis a lair a cheater. We have 4 yr old daughter together.

  26. I believe things happen for a reason, for I truly loved my ex girlfriend Jolene, she gave me hope, love, and understanding and she was the warmth in my sun, and the light in my moons, how a woman of this loving nature could give up this soon or throw in the towel, their must be a higher chain of command to throw this love in a spin, only God, knows and has a better plan for me! I’m hurting, and am sad it’s over, always thought we’d be together forever!! I’m in Gods hands now!
    Going Goff

  27. I am a man ,37yrs, I am married to such a wonderful woman , by look of things, our marriage is no longer the same. I am so in love with her, and she knows that, the only complain from her side is that she is not happy, because she is doing everything in the house, like a man. She wants me to get a job soon. I am doing my best to get the job, but the unfortunate put is I canno employee myself, other things that she complaint about I fixed them. First I was afraid to loose her, because I love her so much, we invested a lot in our relationship , but by the looks of things I must be ready to start a life I was not prepared to. I have done everything on the book but nothing helps,this complain of me not growing or not getting a job keeps on cropping. I think I must prepare myself for heart broken.

  28. Unlike most people here, I didn’t lose my mate physically.
    I’ve been with him for 40 years. I spent the first 20 of them madly in love. I felt so blessed, that he was all I ever wanted or desired. He never was one for deep emotional intimacy; but I was willing to be the one who gave the most warmth and expressions of affection. I never minded the drudgery of life and raising our two daughters. The light of his face in my life made each day feel like a blessing I did not deserve.
    Now I understand his emotional distance. Found out that the affairs started the week we were married. One affair after another…often more than one at a time.
    He wanted to stay with me. I just couldn’t hold life together on my own. I got really sick after all the stress, and it’s chronic. I am disabled now.
    I feel so trashed inside for many years now, that I am just so numb, I don’t even care about anything anymore. I go through the days like a walk on the moon. i;m alone, and there is nothing. There is nothing but repetition and emptiness. I still draw close to him sometimes at night and smell his hair and neck…and it seems like a soft breeze of Spring fills me.
    But I’m just too damn tired and invisible, to be able to reach out and grab hold of that anymore. I guess I’ll spend the test of my days remembering what was supposed to be, but never was, or ever will be.
    Can you die of a broken heart? I guess some do. Or like a battery, you can just keep getting weaker, until there’s nothing left and you get thrown away.

    • Thank – you for your story. It makes me sad to hear what you have gone though, I can relate to how you are feeling, your story gives me insight into how I may have felt if I married him sooner like he wanted me to, or I stayed with him now after knowing what he has done. I hope you gain some strength from my story like I have yours.

      I just broke up after being with a man for 7.5 years, I am 31 and was looking forward to children and marriage.

      After and finding out his has been having affairs since at least 2011. I am in a similar position to you where I have been sick with CFS for 1.5 years and have had to stop work. This has occurred due to the stress, emotional abuse & isolation that he has put me through during the years. It also has a lot to do with the fact that he is a weak and insecure person who never stood up for me or did things that made me happy. He rarely acknowledged us a couple, it was all about him wanting to go out for drinks or functions without me since the start.

      I know he has is a cold person and from a family that didn’t give him enough attention, time, listen to his needs, give him birthdays or gifts or make him feel good about himself.

      He now has a great career, makes a lot of money. He puts on a facke confidence but deep down he isn’t very social and things he is a boring person. He has become very greedy and selfish over the last few years because of his status in the industry and has decided in his head that he is going to put me down in order to boost himself up.

      Then when I got sick & couldn’t give him all my attention like I used to, he wasn’t there for me, and he decided that he was going to cheat on me behind my back and begin to be so cruel until I leave him. I noticed his behaviour change but I was to ill to react. I just tried to focus on getting better.

      I have been through hell healthwise, now I have to deal with the shock finding out what has been going on and a broken heart.
      Right now I am trying to recover and find strength but I understand it is difficult to do it alone. Since he hasn’t been in my world, yes I miss him some how and that is killing me, but I have also started to gain confidence and be around my friends more, which has made me feel better about myself.
      I literally had to contact me friends that I hadn’t see in years and they embraced me after knowing the happy and respectable person I was before and what I have been through.

      My friends and family tell me that he was making me sick and that it has taken a toll on me. The specialists say CFS is linked to depression, I never understood that until we broke up & I moved but in with Mum and became to feel like the old me emotionally. Then I started catching up with my friends and I yes I do still feel tied and sick but I see improvement in my happiness. I hope this leads to me healing again. I have more motivation to get off the couch and so I do and that makes me forget what is wrong with me and bit by bit I am doing more.

      I no longer have him around to make me feel and get sicker. Yes, as you said you do get weaker when you stay with them, because when they cheat they start to tell you that you are ugly and fat and then you stop caring about what you look like, you start to feel like a piece of dirt.

      I have always had a lot of confidence, I modelled, danced and always felt good about myself. They hurt you when you are vulnerable and you change physically because of your illness.

      He says horrible things and you start to get lower and weaker. You need to get out of the situation or take a holiday away to realise that you are stronger without him. Perhaps you could go away with your daughters or a friend and tell them how you feel. Then just enjoy the time away, realaxation visting places you wouldn’t normally.
      When I was with him, I had lost contact with my all my friends, so I would have turned to my Mum and Aunties to go away with.

      You need to do things that you enjoy and be around people that make you feel good. Then maybe slowly be slowly you wont need him in your life anymore. My Grandma was with my Pa for years 19 years and left him because of his abuse and now she tells me how much of a happier and stronger person she is. She is in her early 70’s and never got remarried she is very close with my Mum and aunties and she now is very youthful & fit and says that she became happier and had more freedom and didn’t have to fear him any more.

      I know it is easier said than done, but we both know a leopard doesn’t change their spots and staying with him could make you sicker and more isolated.
      Weather you go alone or with him, a relationship councillor is extremely important, I have found that speaking to one has been even better than a psychologist. I now know that I will see one with my next partner when we start discussing marriage and even earlier on. I will also do a quarterly review of the relationship and have found questionares on the internet which can help with understanding each other.

      The bottom line is, the cheater is the one with the issues, it is just unfortunate that ladies like you and I end up suffering the consequences from the stress they put on our bodies. Your comment was made in Feb, so I hope you ok.

    • Morgan.. Similar case. I’ve been married almost 38 yrs! I found out my husband recently or I’m not sure how long has been going with an employee . By the way a yr older than me! We have 2married sons. He has 3others from a previous marriage. My life as I’ve known it has been destroyed. He no longer has any contact with her but I’m broken inside and cannot get over it. There is little or no intimacy between us. He is trying though but I don’t know what to do. I hate the thought of starting over at my age. 62. Any thoughts?

      • Phyllis,

        Get up the courage to leave. There is a better life, I did it at 68 after thirty-five years and two grown children.. These guys don’t have it to maintain a relationship, there is always going to be another person in their lives because of their own issues. They don’t even realize why they do it, and like to say it is our fault rather than admit they are not behaving morally.

        Do you want to continue to be used like this? You don’t feel good about it because you know it is wrong for you. Read the advice about preparing to leave a marriage as well, there are things you should do to protect yourself financially. Mostly information gathering.

  29. Christina who posted January 23rd, your story is almost exactly like mine and it is so helpful to read about other people who are going through the same torture that I am.

    I’m in the midst of a divorce and ended up recently falling deeply in love with a man I’ve been working with for several years. Our hopes and dreams are exactly the same and he’s the only man I’ve met who actively shares some of my more obscure interests. He was engaged and there ended up being a huge blowup/breakup because his fiancee found out about him and me, so we only saw each other privately, almost never in public, save for a few events. That should have been my first sign, but he was so madly in love with me and professed all sorts of promises for the future. He felt like my soulmate and just leaving his presence felt like I was leaving a piece of myself behind – I felt one with him.

    Anyway, after about two months of careful dating, he took a month off to “think about things” but told me to have faith, that we will be together. I have lots of cards and months-worth of texts saying how much he loves me and how badly he wants to be with me and how he can’t wait to start our future together. At the end of the month, I got an email saying that he’s breaking things off with me and is going to try and reconcile things with his ex-fiancee. WHAT?? I am beyond devastated and had to start taking antidepressants and anxiety pills, I couldn’t even go home for a week. I can’t eat, sleep, work – all I think about is him. I keep checking my phone to see if he texts and I can’t even go to places we’ve been to together. We have three races this year that we were planning to do together, and I’ve already spent over $1000 on entry fees and now I have no partner and no motivation.

    As I said, I work with him, so I occasionally see him darting from one spot to another, doing his best to avoid my presence. I feel like a complete fool. I feel used up and dumped. And today it’s Valentine’s Day and he took the day off to work on his relationship with his ex-fiancee and all I can imagine are his eyes and voice as he tells her the same things he told me just a month ago.

    • Hi, Christina, as much as it hurts, you need to realize this guy will be doing this for the rest of his life. I feel sorry for his fiancée and am grateful you got away. Please see it for what it was to him, some excitement. Please don’t date men who are with other women, they are a dime a dozen and they will tell you whatever you want to hear just to have a short term relationship with you.

      This type of man cannot maintain a long term relationship because of issues he has, even though he may not realize that. The fact that he avoids you now tells you he knows better.

      I was in such a marriage and now, looking back, I see he had the best of both worlds. I was always aware his attention was not 100% in the marriage so I tried harder, the other woman was being told he was unhappy in the marriage and was going to leave and marry her so she was on her best behavior to make sure he did that and when she insisted on the divorce he said sorry, the last 7 years have been great! But I am not getting a divorce. This went on throughout my whole marriage so I recently found out.

      One after another. He kept it a very good secret from me but as he aged he got sloppy and I found out the whole truth.

      Please don’t end up like me. Find a man who will be honest, and that takes time. Take it slow, There are good men out there and you deserve the best.

  30. Before i read all of these comments i was so sure that i was going to write about my heartbreak, but i thought id write this instead. I really do believe things happen for a reason. These heart breaks are to teach us lessons in life to make us stronger and wiser. I know these lessons may come up a few times in your lives but they are all there for us to grown. How are we supposed to know what we want unless we know what we don’t want??Its horrible the feeling of heartbreak, the emotions that come with them but embrace it, Learn from it and use that to further yourselves for bigger and better things. I know that it may seem like life has stopped or you have reached a crossroad that you’re not sure what path to go down, but give it time. Give it time to heal your wounds and strengthen your soul. Sometimes we need to learn how to be by ourselves and love ourselves to love someone else. Use this alone time to do the things you have always wanted to do. Use this time to spend this time with your children. Everyone deserved to be loved, don’t give up hope that your dreams won’t come. They will your just still learning.

  31. My wife of 15 years, at the age of 40, started an affair with a much younger man at her work. I was, and am, devastated. After 3 months of getting used to the idea, I know there has to be a greater plan at work. Sometimes our worst struggles reward us with our greatest rewards. I have to believe, as hard as it is, as heart broken as I am, there’s a better life ahead. Even if I never love again, I hope for a life of kindness and decency, dignity and respect. Maybe it’s enough to know that God has a plan, and I just have to trust it. Even though she broke it off and wants me back, the anguish and hurt I know I’ll face again is too much to deal with. It’s not enough to hear people, including her, pass it off as human weakness or make excuses. When you’re committed, you’re committed without exception. Turning down temptation is a must in a loving respectful relationship. I’ve read so many of your comments and my heart breaks for you. As a man, I know we’re not supposed to open our emotions to others, but I can’t help feeling I deserve a partner who won’t hurt me so deeply. And I hope the women posting here can take some comfort in knowing that men exist who don’t want to hurt and want to be an equal. Hurt and heartbreak isn’t tied to gender.

    • Tom, your wife is so lucky to have you. You do deserve a partner who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. I hope all the ladies posting here read your post so they will believe in themselves. There are good men out there.

      I wonder how you are now, after almost a year. Hope counseling will help.

      I admire you.

      • There are many of us men who are broken, who regret their mistakes. I have not been in a relationship since my ex dumped me 17 years ago, she broke it off when I didn’t propose after a year and a half of courtship. It was really an issue of timing although I did have some changes to make speaking honestly if she was to be truly happy. I was angry after a while and I shut the door but now have regrets. She was the love of my life there’s no doubt, I only have to think of meeting her again and my heart leaps my emotions spill over. I still dream of her. I know one thing, if I should be fortunate enough to reconcile with her someday, or if I experience another love of a similar magnitude I will love and cherish her each day and forever. It’s that precious. and until you suffer you don’t realise how god had blessed your life with ‘the one’ that got away.

    • Hi!my Ex boyfriend is 51 years old and I am 36. We were together for less than 4 years. I chose and old guy thinking that he is more mature and would stay faithful to me. Our relationship seems just fine except on latter years. I noticed that he became secretive. He works in las vegas and I am in the Philippines. He comes here every year and thats whennwe spentbtime together. After his last visit and went back to Vegas, he seldom communicate even sending message in FB. Last november 2013,he sent me messages that he is breaking up with me for the reason that he needs to focus on his life as he is still working on his divorce for 3 years. I gave give space,but i found out that he has already a girlfriend. The worst thing is the girl also live here in thenPhilippines. My ex bf never answer any on my call, text, emails and blocked me in his facebook twice. He cheated me. I was so devastated and got so hurt and had a difficulty in moving on. He never said that he doesnt love me anymore. He just ignored me. I was really in pain. I couldnt believe that he could still cheat me at his age. A lot people of friends told me that I am too beautiful to be dumped. I just love my Bf so much. Now i am trying my best to move on and recover from that heartaches.

  32. Hi, as usual, I don’t know how to start, I guess saying that I feel so hurt I can’t think of anything, I met this guy a year ago, I’m 38 he is 34. We just started as casual dating, casual sex and anything else. Have to admit he’s never ask me for anything, told me anything about us moving together or being a couple, so basically I felt in love alone. The problem is that when we start to hang out I was going through a very, very difficult time in my life, so I saw him as a way to relieve the immense pain in my heart and all that sadness accumulate from a lot of problems. We would meet at the local bar we met, where everyone knows each other, and go to his place, or he would call me anytime and I always said yes to his request of seeing me. I would text him, he wouldn’t text me back, call him and sometimes he wouldn’t call me back, I tried many times to stop seeing him ’cause I knew it wasn’t good for me and that at the en I was gonna get hurt alone, just as it happened. We basically said good bye last nite, he approached me and told me something that really hurt me, “stop leaving stuff in my place as an excuse to come back”, I must say that after a year having sex sometimes I forget stuff in his place. I have always been very careful in not leaving anything in a man’s apartment since I am very aware that they hate when women do that, so yes, I sometimes forget things but after a year “together” it should not bethe big thing, Anyways, I feel empty, totally unappreciated, sad to dead, i want to see the colors of life again but is not going to be possible for a while, at some point I thought we had a strong spiritual connection, I was so wrong, I’ve been so wrong, I did nothing wrong in our relationship, I was always there, caring and loving, I’m pretty sure he will show up with a new girlfriend soon. He never loved me, he never did, he never showed any interest in us, I knew it. He was a bad decision in a bad moment of my life. 🙁

  33. I met a guy online about three years ago. We got on well and spent all of our spare time engaging in long dialogues and sharing our inner most thoughts etc. When I finally met him, he was hot and completely into me – perfect.

    We started dating. He was upfront about his time as he was busy setting up a business and I tried to be as understanding as I could – I did start getting a bit weary when I noticed that he was never available but if I asked him out with my friends, suddenly he was.

    I should have also been weary when he continued for the first year to txt two other girls he had been chatting to online and met before me.

    I should have been weary when he tried to tell me that when he sat at my house on Christmas day txting a ‘friend’ that he has the hots for messages like ‘I’m thinking about you x’.

    I should have been weary when he would tell me that he shared his version of our arguements with his entire workplace; his friends and his family – to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable meeting them.

    I should have been weary when he was somehow able to take the day off work to help some woman move house – at a stage when he struggled to find time for us.

    I should have been weary when he dumped me with every argument and not talk with me after.

    I should have been weary when he could string a list of insults and ‘things that are wrong with me’ and yet struggled to say anything nice.

    I should have been weary when every woman was ‘really smart and attractive’ and I was ‘horrible and awful’.

    Somehow though, because he wasn’t hitting me, I didn’t see it as abuse. There were times when he was loving and attentive and everything I wanted. I didn’t notice how much that was fading.

    I give up counting the number of times we have broken up and gotten back together. While it has only been a week this time, something tells me this is finally it. It’s got to be it.

    It may sound strange but my heart still feels broken, somehow three years later I have lost not just him but myself as well 🙁

    For the first few days I couldn’t get out of bed. I ended up in the ER following an accidental overdose of K2. That was the warning sign for me. I try to keep myself busy, I’m not sleeping to well and every now and then, despite knowing how good not being with him will be, I let him in close, told him my inner most thoughts and fears, dedicated the last three years to him and now I’m alone.

    I realise it’s not him I miss but the sense of being close to someone. I miss a future happiness that was all in my head 🙁

    • Its always is the same old story we hear the warning.. we see the writing on the wall but we still don’t want to comply that’s because women as we are creatures of emotions and men as they are seem to have none at all sometimes I just really don’t know what to think anymore I too saw the writing on the wall many times and with my friend I’ve been knowing him since 1988 waiting through all kinds of different situations until now it’s come to he doesn’t want to have a relationship with me any longer because we don’t live in the same city and that breaks my heart even though it makes sense it still hurts me because of all the things that happened in between and far too much for me to write about. oh well I didn’t think I would be even caught up in this blog but..I thought you know when I read your story that we have something in common. I hope that you can go on with your life and find some joy I’m trying to do that myself but I already feel so brokenhearted I think its irepairable.

  34. Hello I met the love of my life almost a year ago today. He was going through a very difficult divorce. Eventually all settled he was able to gain custody of his 3 beautiful children. When we met it was like a dream come true only one issue I was in mo he was in al after much prayer I made the move across states. loving him and these 3 beautiful babies I could not have asked for more we were so much in love talking of marriage and raising our family yesterday he came in tears and said he could not continue on opening up about how he wasnt ready for this that we should be friends so this leaves me heartbroken and lost do I stay for the kids I love so much? Do I move back home to mo and end up alone once again? So I’m just hanging in there in al

  35. At least most of you have had the joy of being in love. In 53 years I’ve never had a single man look me in the eyes and tell me that he loved me and mean it, including my ex husband. I only married him because I knew that if I didn’t, I would never have another chance. We divorced after 21 years, his idea. For the past four years I’ve had a friends with benefits relationship because there was nothing else. I thought that at least I could have those few hours a month to pretend that I was not alone. Then of course he met someone and I’ve lost my friend forever. Every single one of my friends is now in a relationship except for me and with each passing day it’s obvious that I will never be in a relationship. There aren’t soul mates for everyone and I’m one of those unlucky few that will never have the opportunity to know what being in love really feels like. I started crying two weeks ago and can’t stop. My kids are 16 and 23 I’m hoping I can give them 10 more years then I have to part ways with this world. But 10 years is an awfully long time.

    • @Gail, aww you poor thing, but you may be wrong. Some men find it impossible to express themselves, they may not have said as much but what did you feel? I’m including you in my prayers this evening that your fortunes might change and you have the love you deserve.Until then keep your chin up, you still have hope.

  36. To the people on this page, who have been through so much, I know that when relationships go wrong that it can feel like your hearts been torn out and you make all the promises in the world to your self that you will never love again, because the agony, despair and anguish of going through such an ordeal all over again just seems to much, you should all be really proud of yourselves, you have done nothing wrong, but sought the same thing that every one seeks and this is to your credit, theres an old saying “love like you’ve never been hurt” and believe me when I say, I know how difficult this is, the pain of a betrayal/disappointment not only comes from the fact that the person in question has caused you hurt but if your like me, you take on the ownership of that pain committed against yourself, because you allowed yourself to feel those things and want those things , and this seems like an even greater betrayal, but life isn’t that simple, you should not close yourself off to the world, or stop trying to fall in love, but don’t try too hard to find it either. I know that when you go through certain things in life it is soul destroying, trust me I’ve been there, but you know what, I know Im a good person that deserves to be loved and cared for, not mistreated and used, its just a matter of knowing how valuable you are as a person to not allow yourself to be with the wrong person, its not worth the heartache, and like me, I have no doubt that each and every person on this page has the same rights to be loved and cared for.

  37. I have been dating this guy for 8 months. We were both married and were friends before we began our intimate relationship. As our relationship progressed, my marriage was increasingly getting worse and my husband and I seperated (and are now months away from finalizing our divorce). All along, my “boyfriend” for lack of a better word and I began to make plans for our future. He promise me that he loved me and the only reason why he hasn’t left his wife yet was because of his 3 year old daughter. I also, have a son who is almost 3, so I could understand his trepedition. I never pushed him to make any sort of decision, although I should have. I let this go on and on until on day my soon-to-be ex told my “boyfriends” wife that we were still seeing each other. (Both spouses had previously found out about our relationship, twice actually) Immediately after she had found out (for the 3rd time) that we were still involved, he dropped me like a bad habit. I haven’t heard a word from him in 2 weeks. Not an I’m sorry things have to end like this, no I’m sorry I was a selfish human being leading you on and lying to you for 8 months, professing my love for you every day….Nothing. Not one stinkin word. How can someone who claims that they love you and had begun to make future plans with you, just abandon you and act like you were nothing to them? That is what hurts the most. I feel like I have been living one huge lie. I always knew that our relationship was based on lies but I truly believed what he was telling me. I feel like such an idiot. I cry myself to sleep every night. He is the first thing I think about in the morning. I think about him all day. To go from talking to someone at least 3-4 times a day on the phone and texting all night, to nothing…. its like I lost a piece of my life. I feel so empty. Its so hard to not pick up the phone and call him. But I keep telling myself everyday that if he really cared about me, he would get intouch with me. But clearly he has chosen his life, and it doesn’t include me like I thought it was going to. Im not sure how I will get over this. I guess just time. But it sucks!

    • You said – I always knew that our relationship was based on lies but I truly believed what he was telling me. I feel like such an idiot. I cry myself to sleep every night. He is the first thing I think about in the morning. I think about him all day. To go from talking to someone at least 3-4 times a day on the phone and texting all night, to nothing…. its like I lost a piece of my life. I feel so empty. Its so hard to not pick up the phone and call him. But I keep telling myself everyday that if he really cared about me, he would get intouch with me. But clearly he has chosen his life, and it doesn’t include me like I thought it was going to. Im not sure how I will get over this. I guess just time. But it sucks!

      Yes, your relationship was based on lies and that is why it didn’t work out. I can only imagine how many tears his wife cried at night. You didn’t lose a piece of your life, you lost a piece of her life. He didn’t care about his wife, why would he care about you. You didn’t care about your husband or your marriage. How could you think this would work out?

      • Amen, Jenny! I don’t want ot be mean here but NEVER, EVER get involved with a married person. Sure, you might be that 1% stat where it will work, but VERY RARE. Christina honey, sorry but this is tough love. And don’t start “hanging out as friends’ with a man when you’re married. You KNOW what that’s going go lead to don’t you? And you’re playing with fire and you know it when you start it. Married people shouldn’t hang with other NEW PEOPLE of the opposite sex. It’s opening the door for an adulterous affair to cruise right on in.
        Bottom line, if he’s sneaking around on his wife and crawling in bed with you, what makes you think if you DO steal him away, he won’t be doing the same thing to YOU in a year? You’ll be the fool with dinner on the table and he’s “working late.” Get a clue! Not only is it morally wrong but it’s a recipe for heartache, pain and failure.
        Rule: “If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it TO you.”

        Something current: Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott. He just had an affair on her that went public. They have 4 little kids at home. Did you know they started their relationship when they were BOTH MARRIED? Not surprising that he’s now had an affair on her. They met as cheaters! Don’t get me wrong I like both of them, but sorry…history repeats itself!
        NOW, Christina I am so very sorry for your pain. I can “hear” in your words your agony and that is terrible. I have felt the SAME PAIN several times before, trust me! It is heart breaking and I don’t wish it on you, or anyone. But, please…please never get involved with a married man again, and if you want to mess around, do the right thing and leave your husband…give HIM a chance to find love too instead of sneaking behind his back. All the best…

  38. I met my Billy 6 months ago. friday we got into this argurment about his friend that are woman friend. he walk away i feeled like the stupid person now Im hurt and i cant stop crying i read these letter about how their love of their life cheat on them. we went on a day with my roommate. he was touching her hair. i left. this was 4 mos ago. AM i crazy.that was our first date, he not a gooding looking i need help like STOP BEING JEALOUS,..we love each other.. and we both over 50 yrs old… maybe i need to grow up…

  39. Wow where do I begin!Thank you to all those who have shared their stories!!
    This is my very first heartbreak that I have ever had – a bit of a crazy one too. I met my bestfriend 3 years ago when we were at university and both needed a flat to stay at. We got on like a house on fire right from the beginning and over the years built up an awesome emotional friendship that at one stage (drunkingly) turned into a night of relationship during the first year. We put this down to being ‘drunken fun’ but for me it started a new feeling for them that I hadn’t ever felt before or could explain girls don’t have feelings like this for other girls – I was so confused. We continued to remain the best of friends and were relying on each other heavily for emotional support, they were my best friend just as I was their best friend. Throughout our friendship I pushed these feelings aside and kept them in check, I certainly didn’t want to lose them for such a silly little crush. Until this year where as confused as I was, my feelings grew and grew until recently I couldn’t contain them anymore, I was fully in love with them – but my friend had began flirting and hanging out with someone else (another girl). Neither of us are what you would call ‘lesibians’, I dont like girls – it just seemed that I liked my best friend…alot. But with this new person on the scene I didn’t know what she wanted or who she wanted. Did she like girls? When she began flirting with her new friend my stomach just dropped and my confusion and jealousy began to take over. The awesome times that we had once had were turning into times of fights, especially when their new friend was around. I didn’t want to lose them but I felt I had this overwhelming feeling that they liked girls so maybe they liked me back? I wanted to finally just clear the air as my love, jealousy, anxiety and pain was breaking our friendship, they were beginning to become more and more distant. I ummed and ahhed for quite sometime till one night drunkingly (silly silly move) I told them how I was feeling. They were shocked, overwhelmed, cried but listened to me. They also told me didn’t feel the same way as I did about me, but gave me the impression they were confused too, just about someone else. My heart broke right then and there. But the worst part is that the very same night after we talked we began kissing and we spent the night together, so my confusion was at an all time high – what the hell was going on??they just said that they didn’t have feelings for me but yet they would stay with me??I don’t know what to do??We are still talking now which is great but so so painful for me, but the worst part is I think it would devastate me to lose my best friend, for the past 3 years they have been an important factor in every aspect of my life, I cherish them. But my pain is just so great at the moment that I can barely function. I want to be able to get rid of these feelings so that I can concentrate on getting our friendship back on track. I just feel like an idiot like how could I have read all of those signs wrong? But also what is so wrong with me that they don’t love me back? I just want them to share their feelings in the same way that I have so I have closure!I also want them to be happy so even if there is something going on with their other friend I just want them to be honest. I would appreciate any help anyone can give me…Thank you for reading this

  40. I met the love of my life two years ago. I was 27 and he was 32. We have been so happy together for two years. We both love each other so much. We were always talking about getting married and having kids someday.
    Over the past few months my bf starting hating his job more and more. He would come home stressed out all the time. A month ago out if no where he got offered a job opportunity of a lifetime, but he will have to move across the country. The job will also require him to travel 50% of the time. After a couple weeks of agonizing over the decision of whether to take the job, he decided to take it. I am extremely close to my family and friends here and live my job. I was devastated that he accepted the position but understand at the same time. After weeks of being undecided I decided that I will take the chance and move across the country with him. I was feeling so scared.
    My bf really wanted me to come with him but after more weeks of thinking he took the decision away from me and said he won’t let me move with him. He feels it will be selfish of him to let me come. I will be leaving my life behind and spending 50% of the time on my own with no family around. I am so so sad because our relationship is over but we both love each other so much. I’m just trying to be strong and push myself forward but it is so hard.

  41. Good advice.. but why stop at 60? Or at least write 60++ I’m sure people in their 70s, 80s and beyond still look for love. Just a suggestion 🙂

  42. Hello people here, I didnt think I would write something but maybe it is therapeutic to write it out… I have real almost all of them, and sadly mine might be the longest drawn out one to tell you, but here’s the shortest version… I met a fun loving, interesting, funny attractive guy in my last year of high school, late 80’s. We dated for a couple years, then had off and on again 6 month times or a year, or two combined, etc, because of his non-committal views about us, and his alcoholism/drug problems. He did love me at some point, he said and I believed it was true, but he was always afraid of fully being honest or intimate except for some rare moments. He is what people have labeled the “Peter Pan Syndrome”; always playful, funny, spontaneous but not responsible, mature or committed,etc.
    So, after many years of dating and thinking he is somewhat “committed to the relationship” the love of my life off and on until around mid-1990’s, we break up once again and I am on a roller coaster: it is my fault for going back and forth and letting him in, but I truly love him and I keep thinking there’s “hope” that he’ll finally realize I’m “the one” because he has said things like that before, but always “fell out of love” off nad on, its just a mess… so we break up once again… AND I finally date someone else, a guy about 4 years younger (at this time I’m about 27 yrs old) so I’ve “burned up” over decade since we met in my late teens…So, I’m having fights with the “someone else guy” and it’s going downhill fast, after about 1.5 yrs, and the original love of my life decides to re-contact me out of NOWHERE, and kind of tells me his whole family wished we had worked out “yes, but does HE wish that? Is what Im thinking” and then he tells me he’s probably made a big mistake losing me… so, AGAIN we hang out and take it very slow for about 9 months, then one day he says, “I think you’re my soulmate and I do love you” and I told him I’ve felt the same all along. It felt like we were engaged but not with the label, we both just KNEW we’d be together and were meant for each other..!!… THEN about a week later he FLIPS OUT and says “Im not sure what I meant, or if it’s true, or if I really feel this way”, and I’m completely broken, devistated, saddened, heartbroken and any other sic-to-my-stomach type of thing I felt, it was like I was in shock and only saw in black-and-white for about a week, numb, and dead inside…. So, he keeps saying (later) let’s only be friends, which I couldnt do because I wanted to be more than friends and couldn’t pretend…
    So, now that I’ve wasted another 4 years or so (three with the “other younger guy” and another with the love of my life) …FAST FWD to 2010… We start to chat online, don’t ask me why but we kept each other’s emails I guess. I regret it, because most of 2011 we hung out as friends, and I thought I was over him since about 2007, but NO!, my heart starts to get attached again and I’m so ANNOYED at myself because I started to love him AGAIN< and so I told him, in Oct 2011, I can't be "only friends" because I'm not getting over you and it's re-opening a wound and for some reason you don't ever want to be together but somehow we keep ending up trying to be friends but it's impossible for me! He was disappointed and bummed to "lose a friend" and since Oct 2011 I have STILL FELT heart broken and that he is the only one for me, I am possible CRAZY, or just in idiot, or just stubborn and won't let go, but I pray to God to help me and to heal my heart, etc… We hvae chatted or texted a bit, but it's not a healthy thing and I'm trying to resist it, and 90% have resisted responding, or writing. 🙁

    One thing to know: We are different faiths, sort of, I am a Christian and he is "kind of" a generic or agnostic, but with some background of a Christian, but he doesn't know for sure or is non committed to that either, so this has been a big stumbling block/issue/problematic for us, and perhaps God is protecting me from a bad thing, but I'm hoping to meet another and yet I have never really met anyone else that even REMOTELY interests me, so something must be wrong with me. SO, now I'm 40 and have wasted half my life – I hope none of you do the same as me. Just move on and don't look back, or you'll "burn up" half your life too, holding your breath and waiting, hoping, etc.
    THIS IS the short version, can you believe it!? aahh!! :(…. ;(….

  43. I am 58 and recently discovered that soul mate of 42yrs, my husband of 37 and my close girlfriend of 35yrs. have been having an affair for close to a yr. I just found out 3mo. ago and am devastated beyond belief! After kicking him out, he cried his way back home and claims to want to make things right but that it’s not easy walking away. He needs time to end it in his own way and please be patient. It’s been almost 3 mo. and as of 2wks ago, he’s still in contact with her. Did he forget that she was MY girlfriend, and I’ve been hit with a double blow? This man is the love of my life but I’ve become ill- on every level- and don’t know how much longer I can wait. On the other hand, he IS my life… 🙁

    • Hello devastated I am 45 in similar situation , I was married but it ended due to his violent temper . A mutual friend of ours helped me through the chaos that I was in , we in turn began a relationship nearly 2 years now . He is my best friend and very attentive etc . I always had a niggling suspicion he was still in contact with a ex girlfriend who happened to be my work colleague & close friend .I now know he has always had feelings for and she left her husband in February this year ,the last 3 months he has become distant no intimacy very cold . Lying where he is so many times I know exactly where he is with her he denies it then tells me he sick of accusations . I know for sure , but I love him so much it’s basically destroying my existence I left my work cos of her after 6 years there . I know in a job I hate and not functioning properly waiting for them to terminate me and I’m finacially broke I have nothing . He moved into my rental . He away at moment but I know when he comes back in couple days
      He be telling me he leaving .
      It is like you feel someone has passed away the feeling is excruciating I’m on anxiety tablets just to try and get relief .
      I think sometimes we have to try and move on but it’s how do u that I sit in this empty house with a cat . My only son lives overseas and my friend is with my partner . The loneliness is so hard to deal with
      I feel for you so much as I’m living it and I know my worst fear will come to light that he leaving me in few days .
      Take care

  44. Hi and thank for some of the comments My story is that I am 56 and only 3 years left to retirement my girl of 14 years a few years back joined a large church not a regular church like catholic or anything she is 54 started going to a all women bible group were one of these women had a 51 year old son living with her,they started a relationship and after about 6 month she left me for him I had no Idea this was going on didn’t see the signs just beleaved that every thing was fine but started looking for faults in me we fought and she cheated left after she felt secure in him .I helped raise her 2 sons who father never had anything to do with them they were 2 and 8 when met her and called me dad know the new boyfriend want’s to keep them away from me and she agrees.Now I am alone in a house that to big and to lonley to stay. Not only am I heart broken wasn’t planning on retiring alone I do want to keep in contact with these kids they don’t drive ,or will she let them these boys were very close to me as she was .NEED HELP Any one been thru the same thing I no the no contact rule and have being following it she has called left messages that were hurt full Now what to do it’s been 2 month ?????

  45. For the people on this page who have been through so much or are going through so much, Ive been in a similiar situation, I was with a guy for 3 years of my life and I was head over heels in love with him,In my thoughts we where married settle down and everything else you plan for your life. when we broke up it felt like the world had ended, periodacally through-out my life afterwards I would contact him trying to find answers as to why he had behaved so badly,an exscuse to talk to him more than anything and I never got those answer anyway, Ive come to relies that sometimes it doesn’t really matter what you do, some people enjoy hurting other people or don’t care enough about anyone else but themselves to recognise the pain they inflict on other people, in some instances, perhaps they don’t relies, Im not sure. either way these people are a negative presence in your life and as much as you may feel crushed by the prospect of never seeing them again or talking to them, in my exeperience its better to cut your loses and learn from it, trust me I know its not easy, Ive been there, I tried to take my own life because of this, but there is no one on this planet that has that right over you to make you feel used, worthless and completely emotionally destroyed, I got through because I found something to focus on, my beutiful and perfect niece and nephew.

  46. Ok ! It all started with a site called skout. I was married but in a complicated relationship ! She was separated but ! Dating a guy ! We chatted for about 2 months and finally we met ! What made me fall for her was kids ! So after a week things went to physical with her and till then I wasn’t aware she was seeing this dude! So since I was still married , living in same house , owned my own business things were not as easy for me to dump and go with her. I told her how I fell for her and so did she! But all this time this dude was still there in her house ! We would meet tue and Thursday at her place before he comes In from work. Then I asked her to do something as its not good for the other guy too ! From my side I was not sleeping with my wife anyways as things were bad . But she kept seeing him and every time she would say give me a week or so. Things went like this for 3 months . then I told her If she can’t be serious about us I would leave and go ! She put up a condition on me to move out ! As I had lot of things to take care of and my mom was living in my basement , I decided to move downstairs with her . She was fine with it as I showed and told her every of my steps . still this dude was in her life till now ! So I asked her to either drop him or me because I can’t share my women with other men . now she asked me to be there when she will tell him , I don’t know what was behind this as she told this dude few times over text to move on but he seems coming back in her life ! Without anyone’s ok I think it’s not possible anyways , but every time she would tell me that she loves me not him !so the week we were suppose to tell this dude that she loves me , she bought him a ring ! I didn’t know that until this guy found me and her in bed on morning unexpectedly ! That’s when I heard him saying wtf you bought me a ring in the weekend !!! That still was covered up as she said it was a guilt ring ! So things went ok for about a week as he was upset I guess and we saw each other everyday ! Then what caught my eye on her was when I asked her is he still text her and she said yes at lunch breaks ! once she left her phone unlock and I saw the mags there asking this guy if he still loved her ! After she told him to move on ?!! Anyways so her mom came for Christmas and she asked me when you moving in as this is hard on her seeing me only for few hours a day ! Took me 30 mins to tell her ok as your mom goes back same day I will move in ! It was about 2 weeks time from that day ! Then drama started ! Telling my I will keep this guy as a friend because of my daughter ! She is 7 and says she is attached to him ! What made me sick was 5 days ago when I said to her that I can’t have this dude around us and she accepted that then yesterday she tells me it’s a friend only and he will be there !i had clothes in her house so asked her If I could pick it up , went there guess daughter was not even home but dude was there lol made me sick , I walked in picked my bags and told her mom this wont work for me her seeing two guys at once ! called the guy told him I am sorry for the scuffle other day , wished them a happy life and gave her a hug ! Hope was a guilt hug from her to me lol then walked out of house laughing knowing who is picked over me !

  47. Hi,
    I met the man of my dreams just over 4 years now, we loved each other so instantly it literraly did sweep me off my feet, we set up our home together, and took care of his 4 children and my daughter, we were so happy together. About 1 year into the relationship he began to hit me around, I dismissed it as I loved him dearly, but soon the hits and slaps became punches and kicks then lead onto full horrific beatings, I didnt understand why. One night I had a seisure and nearly died in front of my daughter. the beating stopped for a little while after that, I thought he had seen the light and we were getting back on track. Then one night he strangled me half to death… I left for a few days and came back due to not having anywhere else to go. one day in April, he just upped and left, I broke into pieces and could not get myself together despite everything he had put us through, then 5 weeks later I found out he had got his ex pregnant 4 months before he left me, and had gone back to her. I had a report into the police for his violence… I had to go the next 6 months in and out of the police station. and then through a grilling court case too… they brought their 2 day old kid to the court case!! After all that I dont understand why I can’t get this man and his antics out of my head. I dont know how to get over him. he has left us in a house I cant pay on my own as the rent is too high, so now we are homeless, and having to move into a family members house too….and he left me also a years worth of debt. why do I still pine for the man who stamped all over me evern when I was on the floor. Any ideas how I can rid the thought of this man out of my life. The strife is getting too much to bare. 🙁

  48. I must admit reading all the posts made me feel a lot better about my own situation. I realise that there is hope, yes maybe not right now for me, but its not all over.
    I met my bf via a internet dating/phone site just over 2 years ago and we have been on and off over these months. At the beginning he was rude, insulting and so much more, so i decided that the 2 Leo’s should not take it any further. During that time i suspected that he was still active on the site, so i set a trap for him and he fell into it, he wanted to meet me, not knowing its me, and that happened more than once….today he still don’t know that it was me he was dealing with…but i left it as we weren’t dating then….As time went by we both fell in love and this year we agreed to take it to the next level, we were going to let him meet my 2 kids and my family. I’ve been divorced for 4 years and he was divorced for over 10.
    This isn’t the first time that we tried dating, its about the 3rd time and every single time he ends it and i never know what it was all about. We have a wonderful relationship of mutual respect and sincerity and the age gap(me 37 and him 45) was perfect.
    Within 6 weeks of serious dating he wanted to end our relationship trice, fiancés, him having cancer, etc. Every single time i fought and reasoned with him and then he will change his mind.
    Thinking about it now, i should have never been in this position in the first place. The way he treated me when we were just friends, the fact that he could never be a friend to me( i could never count on him whenever i needed to), all the signs was there, but i didn’t want to listen. When something goes wrong, he will blame me, he will swear at me and chase me away like a dog, i will never know what happened and why I’m being treated like this. His apologies were so real, his reasons for why he acted like that were so sincere and i will take him back.
    During all this time when i was with him i was more unhappy and anxious, i never knew what was coming next and coming from a marriage where no one raised their voices to been swore at was difficult to understand. That feelings of his anger, unloved, and the time bomb effect hurt me tremendously. No matter what i di, it will always be my fault, he couldn’t commit to anything, but its my fault. We have never been out on a date, he makes plans and just never see them through and will always have a reason why not. HE was the one who wanted us to date seriously, i told him we don’t need to, but he wanted me for himself and i wanted him all along, so it would have been a dream come true for me, little did i know that he will never change.
    I allowed him to treat me with disrespect, i allowed him to use me as his doormat, and i allowed him to do with me as he please, so if i send him a gift or a sms or a phone call, he will not acknowledge it, he won’t say thank u, because its just me (but with other females he will be mr.Charming)
    It happened again this weekend and it made me feel cold, alone and so so sad. He wants to see me and i jump in my car and visit him, i send him a sms and he ignore me, i dropped a gift at his place and he doesn’t even bother to say anything….. I will be spending Christmass alone because how do i spend it with him when i feel like this?….so hurt and damaged beyond repair?…how did i allow him to change me into this person that doesn’t love herself anymore?…how did i allow him to hurt me?
    I am tossing myself out of his life, so i know what i am feeling is horrible, its better being with him than to feel like this, but i cannot allow this to go on, so as hard as it is, i will need to be strong, i will need to try harder and take each and every hour as a victory, because it will bring me closer and closer to healing and moving on…..but for now im in terrible pain and the term moving on and forgetting just doesnt sound right.

  49. As surprising as it is, reading stories of other people’s heartbreak somehow is therapeutic. These stories have made me feel thankful that there are other people who feel the same and have similar obstacles to overcome; but they have also made me realize how much worse things could be. My sadness stems from a much less intense relationship, but I still feel awful and am looking to feeling like my old self again. In fact, I don’t think that my sadness is a result of my latest lost love, but a combination of other past relationships.

    I spent a full year pursuing a man who I absolutely loved to be around, his presence intoxicated me, for lack of a better word. After spending a summer apart in which we talked regularly, I returned to school where we continued dating until he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. This is where things turned bad. He was always busy with work, after all he owned his own business. This business took up so much of his time that he barely was able to see me or even text me. Therefore, I did all of the work in our relationship; I initiated all of our conversations, I showed up at his place so we could hang out, and I always made excuses for his inability to do any of the work in our relationship. My friends constantly asked me how I managed staying with him since we only talked to each other every couple days or so and I always had to initiate it, sometimes he would not even respond to me. The truth is, I felt absolutely trapped. I felt that I had no right to confront him about his behavior because he had warned me about the time commitment at the beginning, but I liked him too much to break things off. He had me searching for any scrap of attention, and when it was given it was like a high off of drugs.

    Finally after 8 months of this, an incident happened that just could not be ignored. He had basically ditched a lunch date that I had planned when he knew we would not be seeing each other for roughly 2 months. I broke up with him over the phone, only because he would never take the time to see me so that I could do it in person. Anyway, after this I felt sad, but nowhere near as sad as I had expected. He had pushed me to the breaking point and I was proud that I had finally had the courage to do what needed to be done. I was ready for an actual relationship in which the guy would actually care enough to see what I was doing and treat me well.

    About a week after our breakup, I returned to school for a night to retrieve some things I had left there. In this time, I had planned to have a fun night with my friends to help me forget about everything he had put me through. Truth be told, during the time we were together I had taken to drinking quite heavily, something that had taken a toll on my grades and I was ready to start focusing on necessary things again. Anyway, on this night that I was at school, a guy who I had been kind of friends with but always had a crush on came out with us. I ended up kissing him, but didn’t really think that it would progress from there.

    I returned home and a week later my friend who I had kissed asked me to hangout with him. I agreed, still thinking that we would only be friends, but he kept pursuing me and talking to me. After a month of hanging out together, he left for an internship in another state. I expected that at this time our communication would dwindle, but he proved me wrong. I heard from him everyday and he was always interested in what I was up to. I realized after a couple months of this that this was how a real relationship should be, he genuinely cared about me and my life and never left any question in my mind as to what his intentions were.

    Well, 3 months past and finally Thanksgiving arrived when he was to return home for a visit. I was so excited but also nervous at the same time because I was scared that our connection would have changed. The week went by without a hitch, we saw each other everyday and had a great time. He returned to his internship at the end of the week, but when he left our communication halted. He did not try to contact me anymore, and the only time we talked was if I initiated a conversation. This crushed me because it was as if I were back with my ex again, and it felt to me like I could never escape this. But for 3 weeks I continued diligently, thinking that this boy who had been so wonderful to me before must have an excuse. Finally, I decided to stop trying to initiate conversation with him when he flat out ignored me.

    It has been two days since he has not responded, and I am feeling more alone than ever. I entered our relationship with skepticism because I had just gone through a terrible experience, but because he continued to surprise me I gave in and developed feelings for him. As soon as I let my guard down, he dropped me flat on my face without any explanation. Now I am left feeling like there is no hope for a functional relationship in my life, so why should I even bother. I truly fell in love with him for everything that he was, and then he crushed my feelings and left me with no sense of direction. The problem is that he will return from his internship permanently at the end of this week and I have no idea what I should even do or how I should feel. I am just looking for some closure, some semblance of the happy person I was before these men wrecked my expectations and sent me spiraling.

    • Hi Riley,

      Harsh as it sounds if this guy loved you he would find time for you, I have been through this before, on both sides and I can tell you from experience that if you truly love someone you WILL find time for them, even if it’s just a simple text, no way would I go hours even without connecting with my partner if I was in love with him. Reminds me of when Jennifer Aniston was seeing John Myer, she finished with him because he never had time for her, yet had ample time to tweet 30 times a day what he was doing but didn’t text her once, speaks volumes really! Stop making excuses for him (I did that too) the best thing you can do is cut him off completely, now this will have one of two results, he will either realise how much you mean to him and that he misses you and rushes back to you or you won’t hear from him ever again…….either way you will find out how he feels about you, I wish you luck :O)

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