When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

You are sitting with your cell phone staring at a text message you wrote to your ex hours ago. You debate whether to send it or not. You stare at your phone while your mind tells you to have more respect for yourself. You logically understand that sending the message is not going to make the situation any better – nor will it heal your pain. Then your heart enters the scene and overpowers your mind. Your heart says, “Go ahead, send it, you will feel better…temporarily at least.”

The scenario above represents one example of a misalignment between your heart and your mind that is a common occurrence after a break up. Every decision you make is determined by a combination of your logic and emotion. If these different elements that make you who you are happen to conflict, you will understandably feel conflicted and make decisions that reflect this turmoil.

The concept of alignment will help you understand why you may have been in a relationship that was not good enough for you. It will also help you understand how to use your logic to help heal your broken heart. Let’s look at some more examples of what happens when your heart and mind disagree with one another.

Scenario 1 – During the Relationship

Your mind says, “I deserve more – this relationship is not right.”
Your heart says, “Stay, it will work out.”

If you were in a relationship where it was obvious that you were not receiving the love, respect, and engagement that you deserve, then your mind was probably nudging you during the relationship and asking you, “Why are we still here?” You remained in that relationship for longer than you should have because your heart believed that your mate and relationship could change.

Your heart believed that it was better to be in a relationship that was mediocre than to be alone. Your heart was saying to you, “Hey, give it a chance, it’s not that bad.” Your mind and heart were not aligned and this probably led to fighting, to an internal struggle, and eventually the break up. Often when we want more from a relationship than we are getting, we continually try to get ‘more’ by attempting to change the person we are with or by forcing other changes in the relationship. This is generally a destructive path.

Scenario 2 – During the Relationship

Your heart says, “This relationship is everything I need.”
Your mind says, “There are red flags here that I shouldn’t ignore.”

When one partner in a relationship is not happy, they usually provide indications either verbally, in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, or via non-verbal actions of their discontent. If you are the other partner that is madly in love, you do actually receive the red flags as signals in your mind. Unfortunately, your heart overpowers your logic in this case. Your heart speaks so loudly about how in love you are and how perfect everything is, that you drown out the messages your mind has received.

Eventually, after the break up, it is easier to see the red flags were present in your relationship. You also may realize that some of the reason you were deeply attached to your ex was because you loved the idea of being in love. If you relate to this scenario, remember, you deserve a love with equal give and take. Reciprocity is essential to the success of a relationship and you should never have to convince someone to love you as much as you love them.

Scenario 3 – After the Break Up

Your mind says, “I am going to be okay. In fact, before long, I’m going to feel like myself.”
Your heart says, “The pain is excruciating, I don’t think I will ever feel at peace again.”

After your break up, if you sit quietly and listen to your inner voice, you will hear hope inside. This hope is telling you that you will feel better, that you will live life once again with passion, and that you will experience love once again. The information you are being sent from your mind  is based on your history and the fact that you have overcome obstacles in the past. Your mind remembers the times where you have faced adversity and have come out on the other side stronger and brighter. Your heart is speaking out of fear; listen to your mind – it has a strong basis for giving you hope.

Listen to words from friends, family, and counselors even if they do not feel like they are helping to heal your broken heart. Every single word helps. Listen to every word someone with experience has to tell you. Up until now, we haven’t discussed the subconscious mind. Positive messages to your subconscious mind can overpower negative ones from your heart. Everything you are reading and listening to about healing is entering your subconscious and will help you heal faster.

Above I have discussed the logical mind being overpowered by a somewhat illogical heart. Please note, the situation can certainly occur in reverse. Your heart may experience genuine love yet have seeds of doubt planted by an insecure mind. In either situation, if you are looking to heal your heartache from your current break up, please know it is possible.

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Hi there, thanks for writing in. I’m out of the office today, but wanted to let you know I received your email and will get back to you by tomorrow.

Love & Light,

Amelie Chance
Certified Coach of Positive Psychology
Heal My Broken Heart


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468 thoughts on “When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

  1. WOW!!! Where was this website in 2000, but I certainly can use it now. While I broke off an unhealthy relationship, (he wouldnt put any effort into divorcing his wife, and 4 yrs later he’s still married), it did not take him long to find another woman. Only a week and a half after begging me AGAIN over the course of the month that I called it off. Then to find out he was overlapping her and crying to me about how he wants another (it would have been his FIFTH chance) to do right by me. I read on another post here where she was asked by a friend…”why she felt the need to make his life better than her own”. Talk about whammo…. that’s what I was doing with my ex. He talked about how he wanted to change… I forgot the old saying Actions speak louder than words!!!! I cant recall a time he stood up for me and fought for me. His wife would call me names and he’d clam up and and NEVER ONCE stood by my side and defended me. he doesnt want to be married to her, but he has never put a whole lot into his divorce. Ive been told by others, “it’s like he watns EVERYBODY to do everythign for him!!!” looking back I find (and get angry) that I was the one doing everything for him. We (I) broke up 4 times.. because he did nothing for his divorce nor for me. My anger and hurt now stem from “looking back” and having the reality hit that I did not mean no where near as much to him, as he did to me. So glad to have found this website. Friends are helping. As I pour out the stories of what Ive endured it’s like a tiny layer of darkness coming off of me. Keeping busy helps me. Never overlook a good hard cry too. May i suggest a soft kleenex though.

    Peace to all may you find the inner strength inside of you to heal,

    Peace to all

  2. My girlfriend broke up with me almost 3 months ago. We were together 6 years and the last 2 of those were long distance. I respected her decision as I felt that things weren’t right about our relationship for a while, but have felt so much sadness since we broke up. We met up once since and I came across as happy, confident , etc but deep down I was a mess and as soon as we parted I cried for the rest of that day and for a couple of days after. That was a month ago and while things have gotten easier the last few days have just been filled with tears. I suppose there is a part of me that wants to give it another go – I have been dealing with some stuff since we broke up and feel I am in a better place emotionally to give the relationship a proper chance. But when we broke up she just said she felt differently about us and wanted to break up. For me, I am wondering should I continue to move on and live my life or ask her is she willing to give things another go. I don’t want to have any regrets about this and genuinely feel there is something there worth fighting for.

  3. What a comfort to read everyone’s stories and realise I’m not alone in my pain.
    I relate to so much to what you have written in your posts. Today I crumbled at work – just couldnt stop crying and my manager told me to take the rest of the week off so I am going to try to do some self-healing.
    The guy who’s broken my heart just vanished a couple of weeks ago after a text cancelling our meeting -completely out of the blue didn’t see it coming .we’d been seeing each other just over a month and he seemed so genuine, we wanted the same things, he told me he was falling in love with me, we met eachother’s children and he met some of my friends I had been waiting to meet someone who I felt a bit of chemistry with for a while – I let him in and believed and trusted what he seemed to be.. and it’s devastating that he just suddenly had a turn around- and worse hasn’t had the guts to give me a reason why or an apology. I’m finding the no contact thing tough and have sent him a couple of short emails/letters – I want to turn up where he lives and demand a reason why. But I know that when someone’s gone ,theyre gone and I need to apply the no contact rule and just focus on myself and getting stronger. It’s just hard to see a way through the pain just now. Thanks for reading.

  4. Mine is Scenario 1, I love my boyfriend but we fight a lot. I knew our relationship is going to be hard since the beginning because I just think we’re so different from each other, and there’s things that I don’t know whether he can accept or not and there’s things about him I can’t accept. It’s been 5 months, I think we have improve a lot but we still fight and we’re so tired of it. But I never wanted to give up, I love him and I tried to understand him but sometimes I just feel he doesn’t try to understand me. When I explain to him what he can do to make me feel better he’ll just take it the wrong way. He thinks I’m forcing him to do things, he think he’s not good enough for me. I’m just saying guessing it can help but he’s just so tired. He wants me to go, he says I can deserve someone better and he’s not good enough. He’s just giving up now. It’s so hard to go but why should I stay with someone who doesn’t want the relationship anymore. I love him, maybe he’s not what I expect from a person but I believe he can be his best for me. He cried and said he loves me and tell me to go. I hug him and tell him I’ll go because you told me too and that my feelings for him is real. I don’t what will happen because to be honest I’m tired of heartbreaks. I don’t even know if I’ve already tried my best to save my relationship.

  5. Wow. I am bawling as I’m reading all of these posts. My boyfriend (for a little over a year) and I broke up on saturday. We have had some pretty bad arguments, over the past 8 months especially, so I really thought he would come back around and talk about it. Instead, he has ignored me since.

    I am 33, so i have been down the break-up and even divorce road. however, none hurt me the way this one did. someone mentioned it above–it could be because i was always the one who left. i did suggest we should break up on saturday; but he is really the one done. i would have kept trying… probably in vain.

    We live together, so every night that i come home is like reopening a deep wound. i can’t eat, i can’t sleep. if i do fall asleep, i wake up gasping for air, with my heart racing and my head a jumble. being with friends does help some, but all i really want to do is come home and see if he’ll talk… if you say you love someone enough to spend your whole life with them, it takes a lot of work. we had begun talking about the changes we need to make to be better for each other, since our communication has always been a little difficult. i am just shocked that he is choosing the brief pain we’ve caused each other to end an amazing relationship. we would say the same things at the exact same time–it was too crazy! i keep telling myself that if an argument was enough to break his love, then i’m lucky i know now. what if we had gotten married and had kids and then he left? i would be up a real creek then… now that i think about it, i should have seen the signs long ago, but he did a great job of concealing all the negative things in his life to show me what was good. when i realized what he was hiding, i was shocked. it’s like he can’t deal with things properly when they happen, so it pretty much always blows up in his face.

    I am currently looking for an apartment, but the main problem is i loaned him a whole lot of money and i don’t have anything left. he always promised to pay me back, and he did pay for rent for awhile, but i still feel used and now abandoned. he talked me into quitting my crappy job that paid well, then threw it in my face when i wasn’t making as much. he is really uncaring when it comes to possessions, so he has done everything from dent my car to spilling on my computer and my iPad. it dawned on me the other day how much money he owes to other people, too, and he is about to pay taxes on a new job that he got 1099’d on. i don’t think he has any idea how much he’ll have to pay… but at this point, i’m pretty relieved that i won’t be around to deal with it.

    He was my best friend and my lover; he met my parents and we decided he was going to ask my dad for my hand this summer. and now?! now it’s over. i am working up the nerve to talk to everyone in my life about it. saying it out loud, and even writing it, really helps to make it real. at this point, i am pretty sure that i am dragging myself out of an emotionally abusive relationship. i am usually a strong person, but have had several friends really worry about me lately. i have to muster the energy to tell my parents soon, but i’m waiting for the storm to pass. since they’re long distance, they would worry immensely if they knew how distraught i am.

    So i am trying to stay positive and tell myself that there is someone better out there for me. the fact that i had a nagging feeling for awhile, but made excuses for it, tells me i am doing the right thing. one of my friends asked why i felt the need to make his life better than my own. that thought reverberates through my mind. i have to focus on my life now and make myself the woman i want to be. i would be lying to you if i said that i don’t crave his touch and his smell. i would love to be a success story–the couple who goes through the worst, only to come out on top. but i know i can’t dwell on that. he would have to see his part in this–right now, he’s just blaming me for everything.

    The best advice i have is what is working for me right now: separate your head and your heart. when you can calm your heart, you can listen to the inner voice in your head. that’s the rational one. when the pain comes, you’ll notice it’s from your irrational, emotional heart. i am prioritizing what i need to do so that it provides distraction. i also journal and do yoga.

    This too soon shall pass.
    Until then, may you be held in compassion.

  6. Heartache!!! Ive been through the ringer since we broke up – I have looked deep into my soul and know that all the answers are within me and that if I was different things would be different….that doesnt mean to say we would be back to together but that I would be in a relationship that was working for me not against me. I concur – I love this person so so much still and cannot let go and wish things were different. I have not managed the no contact yet – we frequently cross paths in our social setting and that hurts!! I know he made his decision from anger but if I am truthful there were signs before that we were going to blow. It was a very intense realtionship for over two years – we lived in a bubble of each other – but we had an ex to content with who he never full let go of and I dont know if he ever will. i so want to move on…but until I look at the relationship in an honest light and not project what I wanted it to be I will not. We deserve the very best and I do believe true love and companionship must be easier than this. Dont full in love with someone’s potential or get them to move goal posts they are not ready to do – they will grow to resent you and you them coz they are still not giving you what you want. Lesson: accept the person as they are now, have no expectations, dont try to change them, working on yourself, coz by doing that they may want to change and grow with you. Let them go….Im going to and if they are right for us they will come back, but as a different person – so will be and it wont be going back – it will be a totally new relationship. But as so many people have said here – we have so many opportunities – lets start looking at them – we cant change the past! Good luck all of you!

  7. Ugh. So many emotions, so few words. I hide in the bathroom at work & cry. I sit at my desk & tears run down my cheeks like a waterfall…out of no where. I contstantly get an overwhelming feeling, emptiness in my stomach, tight pains in my chest, sweats so unnatural I cant tell if it’s hot or cold…then the tears come. This all happens within a matter of 15seconds. I’ve tried to control it to no avail. I love a man that doesn’t love me & I just can’t come to terms with it. I’ve blown my entire savings account & racked up $1000+ in CC debt just trying to do things that please him. To put a smile on his face & make him see that I really am willing to do anything for him. I feel so worthless. So empty. So alone & reliant on others to help pick me back up. I don’t mind sleeping in an empty bed or being alone. I just miss him. I miss what we had; I miss the kind of person he was. He was unlike anyone I’ve ever met my entire life. He had an entirely different view point on everything & I loved seeing the world through his eyes. I loved that he had knowldege & passion & interest in everything about life…things I had no idea about. Experiences I can’t imagine having. I just poured my heart & soul into him thinking he was perfect. Then it came crumbling down around me all too fast. I’m not perfect, I was just hoping I was worth it. Nothing worse than knowing that a different woman can make your man feel more loved than you were able to. Love will be the death of me.

  8. I think it helps when locked in one’s own misery, to realize that terrible heart-break has happened for thousands of years, is happening now to millions of people all over the world, and will continue to happen for thousands of years to come (if our species survives that long!) Reading this website makes me at least feel like my feelings are shared, knowing that I don’t suffer alone takes just a tiny bit of the pain away….

    My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me without any warning (of course, looking back there were red flags). I met him when I was 21. We had a strange, romantic relationship that was mostly long distance. The first half of the relationship I pushed him away because I didn’t think he was right for me, I kept saying I needed to focus on my career and growth individually, and I didn’t feel grown up enough to make sacrifices or want him to move to the US (he was living in South America) to be with me. I could feel that he loved me more than anything in the world – sometimes his love felt suffocating and I’d tell him that, but it didn’t stop him loving me with everything he had. Although I had doubts, I knew that we stayed together because I felt a very strong connection and love for him also. And as time passed and I matured, I realized what a truly special and incredible man he was and each day I loved him more and more. I understood that he was not perfect but he was perfect for me – he was kind, loving, patient…Maybe not ambitious or driven (like I saw myself), but I realized I didn’t really value those things anyway. We planned to live together after we finished grad school (in different countries) and get married. I never once questioned his love or mine – I never, ever thought we could ever end. Our love seemed immortal, infinite, in a world of its own. Then suddenly one day he said he had a crisis inside and needed time, his family back home was going bankrupt, he felt responsible for taking care of his parents, pressure to get a good job etc…He felt that the distance had broken us, made our relationship cold, that he couldn’t see a future for himself, let alone for us. Time passed and we got back together for 2 months which made me the happiest person alive, but he wasn’t able to tell me when or how we would ever see each other again, and I couldn’t just wait without a job, not knowing where I would be living, until whenever (if) he recovered from his crisis…so I said it was better for us to be friends, that’s all a long distance relationship could be anyway. I thought maybe that would wake him up. But he didn’t fight it. It was as if he couldn’t say those words to me himself, so he just put me in a position where I had no choice but to say it myself. My heart feels shattered into a thousand million pieces. I don’t know where to turn, there is no escape pain like this, because it becomes your new reality, something to live with every day for the rest of your life. I really don’t think you recover from real heartbreak, you just find a new “normal” to live with and get on with your life. I’m sending him a letter with some of his things I have, to tell him that I love him and will always love him, but I can’t be in contact again because it’s too painful. I just feel sad because if we survived long distance for 7 years we had a good thing going, and we never gave it a chance by actually living together to see if it could work. I think he was afraid of the pain if it didn’t work out – he thought that would be worse. Well, I’d rather live a life of “oh wells” than a life of “what ifs”. I’m going to tell him if he ever changes his mind, I want to work on our relationship and I believe with all my heart it could be amazing. I agree that no contact is the best way to go for all kinds of reasons. Wish everyone lots of luck….

  9. Matt..thank you for sharing such a touching story..I am sorry for you
    All the other persones who shared 🙂 Thank you all
    the Website is great and inspiring
    Ill be back soon

  10. I am in the same relationship as all of you guys but in a different case. I am a guy fell in love with a guy also. I know from the start that he has a relationship with someone. I became a third party for 3 years. No one knows about it except a friend of his. We sacrificed a lot and I sacrificed a lot. I have given him all. We migrated to other country. We are now staying together in the same place but just these few weeks back he confessed all about us to his boyfriend. that he’s having an affair with me for 3 years and he admits that on that span his heart was in two pieces. But now, he’s changed upon me. he chose to be with his first boyfriend for 6 years. and now im hurting so much.

  11. Wow after hearing all this I see I’m not alone. I am a female in my late 40s and was living with my boyfriend until 2AM this morning. I love him and he says he loves me with his whole heart, but he lived with me and didn’t help me with any bills or morgage payments. I pay for everything once in a blue he does some groceries and he does take me out. I am on unemployment and he works for about $14.00 hr. But he says he has priorities he sends money to his son plus he sends all clothes and sneakers and gets his needs his ex dosent work so he has to send money plus pay for everything he needs. I think she needs to get a job. I am happy that he takes care of his son but am I wrong to say to him that he needs to pay a bill or 2 here. He also pays for his car insurance and cell phone. He said I disrespected him and if I don’t understand he has priorities he would move out so I told him to go ahead he took everything and moved now I am depresed and he text me and said it could of been great with us and I knew his responsibilities and he is right I did but I have bills to pay and I feel he needs to contribute. I am behind in everything that is why I was fighting over this. Please tell me if I was wrong or ideas to make it better. It’s not even 24 hours and I am lonely and heartbroken. I will be able to do the no contact cos I have been thru this before and it just makes it worse. We didnt fight and had a great relationship except for the money issues. Please give me some feed back . Stay strong and good luck to us all.

  12. my partner of 10 years broke up with me before christmas came back on January 8th and told me on Monday that we are finished again! i went through devastation, starvation emotional turmoil before and over Christmas and was over the moon when he said he wanted to give us another go and that when we were good together we could take on the world! he planned what we were going todo over the summer eg go to Berlin, break down the country and made me feel like we were really on the right path again! like all of the above i don’t know how after 10 yrs you can stop loving someone as for me too i love him more and more as the years go on. I cannot imagine my life without him and also thought that we would grow old together! I am so afraid/hate the thoughts of him meeting someone else and starting what was supposed to be our family with that other person!

  13. Thanks for this wonderful website. It is nice to know that I am not alone with my pain and that there are still people out there who are not afraid to express their feelings & emotions.

    I am 28, I met my ex about 4 1/2 years ago and we immediately hit it off. We had a long distance relationship for 1 1/2 years and after finishing college I moved to England to live with him. We were happy & I thought things couldn’t be more perfect but somehow work and the challenges of every day life got the better of him. He turned from a caring and attentive boyfriend into an agressive, irritable and emotionally unavailable person. I was deeply unhappy, I felt hurt and abandoned but I never brought up the courage to end it. Deep down I was still hopeful that he would find back to himself one day and he’d yet again be the caring boyfriend he used to be. Instead his depression got worse and although I tried my best to be there for him, I could never do right in his eyes. I completely sacrificed myself to be there for him, to the extent that I gave up my own identity but all I got in return was cold heartedness & contempt. Nevertheless I could not end the relationship until he finally broke it off with me about a year ago. I was heart-broken, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and I eventually left my job and England to get away from it all.

    What I have realised after more than a year of being apart is that I would have never been able to make him happy & solve his problems. Only he can do that for himself. I clung to an illusion of a relationship which only existed in my head. I was so much in love with him that I created a perfect image of our realtionship and our future in my head which was completely unrealistic and not at all representative of our actual relationship.

    So if you are still in love with your ex boy/girlfriend then please ask yourself this question: Are you in love with the person he/she is, or rather with the illusion of a relationship that could have been if only things were different?

    It has helped me a lot to finally realise that I was chasing after a dream I had created in my head. Although I still love him very much I am now ready to move on. It is scary because I gave up so many things for this relationship. I had hoped we’d get married & have children. It is not easy to give up this dream but I know that things were not meant to be and that there is someone out there who will be more suitable for me. And you can find that person too.

  14. I was with this girl for almost five years. First two years were great. The last two and a half were a mess. She left me just a week or so ago because she found someone else who made her happier. I feel empty inside because she was my best friend and the love of my life. I’m angry at myself for not treating her the way she needed to be treated and for taking her for granted. It is true when they say that you don’t know what you have until it is gone. I fully accept that she is with another. I wish for her happiness. I don’t deserve her and she is better off without my broken self. I wonder how long this feeling of regret, pain, loss, emptiness will last? God help me.

  15. I am a 26yr old. I met this guy about an year ago and at first I was not love struck but we seemed like a perfect match and we hit it off to a relationship. During the relationship I realised this guy has some very deep issues with his previous relationship and I felt like he got hooked up with to cover up his loniliness, he stoped saying he loved and he started picking on petty issues to prove why am failing. At first, I understood him and I assumed he is in the healing process and I decided to give him time but still stick with him.
    Little did I know that he was dragging me to his sad life and he was making me a victim of circumstance, we fought several time until we decided to separate.but he was the one who intiated the break up saying he is unhappy and that we dont click.
    By then, my heart was at peace and I knew I had my best to help him get over his prevoius breakup.
    I had missed to be loved back and I met someone who was willing to give me that and more BUT when I was about to get to know this new guy, my ex calls and he said he misses me and he needs to be with me, I thought I should just go and be his friend but when I saw him, i fell in love with him and we became lovers again in a short time.
    I stopped seeing the new guy i had met and I thought my ex has finally seen the light.
    We were happy and this time i was surely inlove with him but he somehow went back to his controlling ways and he started picking on petty things and his sudden change of moods. But this time i was not willing to be more patient with him for him to tell me we nolonger click and after a week of sad relation and no romance, we fight and this time I left him being a valentine(anyway he has not said he loves me for a long time or made me happy in any way)
    a day after i left him, i still miss him and i wish we worked out things and we would have been more patient with each other, i dropped him an email telling him tht I still miss and love him but he says we can be friends but I somehow feel like we still have a chance and I want to see him over his past issues so that he can finally love with reservation.

    My question am I building my hopes on running waters?

  16. We have just broken up a few weeks ago. Like Mack, he was suddenly turning cold by the twilight of our relationship, and finally when I asked him (over instant messenger) if something’s the matter he blurted out that he might not be ready for a commitment. I couldn’t believe he was breaking up with me. I begged him to come and talk to me but he didn’t want to at the moment and wanted to wait. So I waited a few days until we finally met and talked. He said that coming from a previous relationship, he realized he may have rushed into a new one with me. He said he loves me — “but not enough to continue”. I told him I don’t want him to go, that I want to work it out but he didn’t want to. It’s been about three weeks and I’m still crushed. Sometimes I am able to distract myself with work and other stuff, but when I’m alone all I do is think of him and miss the times that I was happy with him. I sometimes stalk him over the internet, which I know isn’t right because I feel worse. I never contacted him again, the last time was the day after we had the “breakup talk”. I want us to be friends but I don’t know if I can take the thought of him seeing someone else. I lie in agony imagining him with someone else, I feel abandoned, betrayed, empty. I just want to feel like myself again.

  17. I had a steady boyfriend in college and ours lasted for three years. It was a long distance relationship. He is a seaman and so I sacrificed a lot. I was an understanding girlfriend I behave myself and I tried to be someone else ideal for him. I never spoken ill-words against him that is one thing he likes about me. I was kind of not my self anymore. We already planned a life together, having kids and all but he broke my heart. He never contacted me. He ignored my calls and text messages. He was kind of vanished. My heart shattered into pieces. I don’t know where to begin but I was still hoping. For two weeks I tried harder to contact him and at last he answered my call. He told me that he is tired of me anymore. He fall out of love and he is seeing someone else. I felt like dying inside. I begged for him but he rejected me. I don’t know where to start a new life. That was really my first heartbreak. I was crying everyday wondering what have I done wrong. I felt like I can’t live without him, that my life would be different without him. I lived with fear.

    Everyday was like hell until I got tired of crying. One thing I learned, when you are hurting you have only yourself to motivate yourself. Advice from friends, relatives and family cannot erase the pain totally. You have only yourself. What I did was I listened to motivational songs, I read motivational quotes and of course my faith in God was a big help. Everything happens for a reason always remember that. The heartbreaks actually will make us stronger. I tried ‘no contact’ thing and it did work for me. After 10months my ex called me pursuing me again. But I was the one who rejected him. That was my first heartbreak.

    I am 23 and as I am typing this I am facing another heartbreak. I’ll going to meet my current boyfriend later. We are steady for 5months. And I think he will gonna give up on me. I did nothing wrong. It is just that he lied on me. He has a girlfriend for 3years. And the girl will gonna commit suicide if he will not chose her. I am hurting. Actually I don’t know what to do but I remain strong despite everything. and I am praying that whatever happens God will give me courage to face everything. I love my boyfriend but I am positive that I will get over it. I’ll just have to learn the art of letting go. Besides loving is not owning.

  18. I met a man last summer who turned my world upside down . I fell in love with
    I thought he loved me too when in the end he texted me and says he can no longer
    See me. I was devastated , i cried all the time , i wouldn’t eat , i would call him see if he would answer which he never did I tell my heart he isn’t coming back.
    But my heart won’t listen to me, i just hope one day i can get past
    This siliness.

  19. I am a 51 yr old man that had his girlfriend of 8 yrs break up with him because she did not love me anymore. She had found someone from her past that she has fallen for and wants to explore if he is the one for her. I was always happy in our relationship, so much so that I would ignore some of the things that would otherwise annoy me because I loved her no matter what. It has been almost 4 months since she asked me to leave and I have told myself that I have been moving on but I am lying to myself. I still love her deeply and find myself thinking of her every minute of every day. We still work together, which doesn’t help my heartache. To be so close to your dream but not being able to realize it again is agony. I know that time will heal this but I am resigned to the fact that I will always love the most beatiful and wonderful woman I have evr met for the rest of my life. It will hard to find another like her and I just hope that, whatever path I have been put on, when the woman for me does show herself I can recognize her and not compare to me dream.

  20. Like most of you I am here because I too have a broken heart. I was in a 3-year relationship that ended in December. December may be the worst month to break up. You have to return presents that were purchased and explain to all those in your life why your girlfriend will not be there for Christmas Dinner. Then there is New Year’s with all those around you kissing quickly followed by Valentine’s Day!!

    I think someone touched on this briefly but the saddest part about a breakup when you are still madly in love with the person is that you have to murder the love inside you which is one of the most unnatural acts of all. The other person’s love may have died slowly over time, or not really have ever existed much at all. But your love is strong and powerful and lives inside you even when the person leaves. The intense pain we feel comes from the slow, intentional murdering of this love. We know it is something that must be done for us to ever be free but it is hard, and painful, and it goes against the very fiber of our souls.

    My girlfriend was super attractive which makes this all the harder. When you date someone that is very attractive there are always many other suitors waiting in the wings. For her all she has to do is snap her fingers when she wants and there will be dozens of men to choose from. For me, even when I am healed and ready it will still take a long process of searching to even begin to find someone that may be worth getting to know. For her I have no doubt that there is already someone on her radar. For me, I am sitting at the base of a huge mountain that I know I must climb that will take many, many more long months…

    I am 48 and as we get older we realize that with each breakup we are running out of time. Life is not a never-ending series of opportunities. At some point we missed our chance to find true happiness. When your young you have time on your side. There are more ways and places to meet people. You do not have time ticking, a constant reminder that your not getting any younger and the potential dating pool is shrinking fast.

    For me the last two-months have been hell with little end in sight. However, I do yoga every day and I just signed up to volunteer. Both of which offer some respite to the pain. Everyone in here is right about the no-contact rule. Contact is like a compulsion that nags at you constantly. When you send that text there is just a brief, welcomed relief. You tinge with with trepidation and anticipation. However that is quickly replaced with dispair, when the other person responds and in a few minutes you realize that whatever they are saying, it’s not what your heart is hopping to hear and the wound is made fresh again.

    Lastly, how does someone go from being a daily part of your life to you never hearing from them again? For me not one single unsolicited e-mail, text, or call in two months to see how I am doing, or if I am ok. For those thinking of leaving, it is devastating to the person being left that whatever the two of you had, you don’t even warrant a single effort to see if you’re ok. That simple flip of a switch to a new life by the person leaving and the erasing of the person being left is something I will never, ever, understand….

  21. I am 35 and just married the love of my life. We are so happy. But… He has had some really bad stuff go on and he is not the man I fell in love with. He is angry controlling mean etc. I can’t do it anymore. I have always been a confident able woman but now I feel like I can’t leave. One because I love him but I’m afraid if I leave I won’t have the family I have desired for so long. My heart is breaking

  22. My husband of 22 years told me that he was leaving. His reason is that he is no longer happy. Wow! 3 years ago we adopted a special need child. Now I am left to raise her and deal with all of her medical while working a full time job to pay the bills.

    It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I can not eat. I have not a bite of food in over 24 hours. I can not sleep. I have not slept in 2 nights.

    It is a cop out to say that you are not happy. Happiness comes from inside. Anyone can find happiness if they look at the positive things they have in their life and not sit there dwelling on the garbabe.

    Just my 2 cents.

  23. Kate…I don’t usually comment on things like this but I felt I needed to share with you why I broke up with my partner of 18 months. I can fully understand why someone would throw away someone they love just because they’re not happy in their own skin..I’m guilty of doing it myself. I moved from England to Ireland to live with my ex, I got stuck in a dead end job over there and more and more every day I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough for her and felt like a complete failure, we started to argue about bills etc and it was tearing me apart so I decided to come back to England. The hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I guess what I’m trying to say is that some people can’t cope in a relationship when they’re not happy in themselves and maybe your ex felt you could do much better than be with him so his pride made him bolt. Maybe one day he’ll turn his life around and be that person you fell in love with years ago. If not, I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I miss my ex terribly every day, but I’m keeping myself busy with training for the military. I’m determined to get a decent career for myself this year and feel good about myself in that respect, then jump on a plane back to Ireland to win her back..if she says no then at least I can say I tried. Best of luck for 2012 everyone..

  24. I’m sitting here a month after a breakup with my BF of 6 and a half years, and truly all these stories have helped me realise that it’s the company and reassurance of having him around that I miss the most. We were 2ghtr since I was 17 and did the whole long distance thing when I was in college and went travelling 2ghtr so I thought that I knew him through and through. I went to Australia to visit some friends for 3 weeks and during the 2nd week I could sense something was wrong, I asked him to be honest with me and boy was he! Despite telling me a month earlier he wanted to move in with me, get married and that our first child would be a boy, he had now decided that actually he wanted to be single cause he just “wasn’t feeling it anymore” and “needed space”. I came home and after a lot of tears and discussions finally got to the real reason, he just stopped loving me… 🙁 He doesn’t have a lot going on in his life right now, he’s in a dead end job, never got any qualifications and is keen to go travelling even though he has no one to go with. I thought maybe he was just confused and would be back within a week/2 weeks but no. I feel sorry for him and still love him deeply. What hurts the most is that he never fought for us, no word of warning or anything. I can see how deeply unhappy he is with his life but I can’t understand how you throw away someone you love cause you feel bad about yourself?? I tried the no contact thing but not having him around as my friend is hard too..I guess I just have to try harder. Of course it doesn’t help that everywhere I go I’m reminded of him or asked about him… Slowly tho hopefully it’ll get easier. I’m able to see now tho that the guy he’s been for the last year is not the guy I fell in love with, now if only my heart will see that too!! I know too that I always loved him more than he loved me so eventually I’ll meet someone who will love me back the same. So here’s to a happier 2012 and hopefully I’ll stay away from him and have more respect for myself then constantly needing to check my phone to see if he’s thinking of me…best of luck everyone x x

  25. recently i have gone though a very painful break-up, me and my ex had been together for coming on 3 years soon, we had so many plans that we wanted to fulfill over the next few years…..or so i thought. The end came very suddenly and i was mortified when i heard the words “i am falling out of love with you and don’t want to be with you anymore” the pain that rendered through my body when i heard them few words was a pain that i had never felt before, it felt like somebody had taken hold of my insides and they were squeezing them….a week on i am still feeling this pain and i don’t know if its getting better or worse. She was the biggest part of my life and now i feel lost and feel like i have no direction in my life. After reading things from this website it has given me hope that i can soon feel like myself again and carry on with my life

  26. Im 25 years old in few months and my heart is broken, so badly it can not be fixed, sometimes I wonder if there is any thing left in my heart un-damaged .
    My heart is aching and it has been this way for years. I remember him my sweetheart met him when we were both teens, our love grew stronger day after day, the more we grew the more this connection that unit us grew with us, years gone by and we no longer the 15-16 years old we were we became one person, I swear I could of feel him and know his thoughts and what he needs from just looking to him, it was indeed more than just a love story it was a time of making and breaking me…. We were supposed to get marry, have kids,grow old and die together, we talked about our future home and kids, our fights we gonna have over raising the kids and our hopes and dreams to be always together, we found in each other what we needed from the whole world, love, honesty, trust and the need to go faaaaaaarrrr off your way to make us work..

    I was not heart broken because of him he will always be my sweet heart I was heart broken by god, while typing them words now with tears falling down my cheeks he would be gone from our world for over 4 years, I got depressed, stopped talking, suffered physically for about a year then I suddenly adapted to my new life without him but I was no longer me, I was heart free living girl. days after days, weeks, months go by I got used of this specific type of sadness (when I lost him I really did lose the best part of me) but I was never able to heal, I even missed love, that feeling in my stomach and the satisfaction one feel when one in love and I TRIED to fall in love, convince my self that it is ok to try again but I became a player…

    I look for guys that maybe have the same face, shape, look, voice tune or in general reminds me of him, I look for him in peoples hearts and some times I feel like I found him again, that he came back to me to realize Im looking at a face that is not his and that he is not coming back so I wake up from my reality, break up with whom ever reminded me of him, feel sad and dirty for cheating on my self by allowing my self to search for love again then go through the whole pain of having a broken heart again til I find another guy who remind me of him and I treat them as if they were messages from heaven coming to me from my sweetheart to numb my heart to steel the feeling of him again, I live him in my heart and he lives in my mind, growing older like me day aftar day,,, I wonder how long this pain can go along, am I one day gonna wake up and feel alive again, am I ever gonna stop looking for him in our life… this is a broken heart that can not be mended ..and Im scared another 5 years I will be in the same place as I am now living like a zomby trying to relive what once was all my life and now is just a past… even admitting he is a past hurt

  27. I am right there with everyone…broken hearted and struggling with letting go. We have been apart for about 6 mo but in contact almost daily. Most of the time now, contact is negative. We were together for 6+ years…its just so difficult. My head says this is the best thing, but my heart isnt in alighnment. I keep hoping or thinking if I do this or that it we will work on it together but he is not showing interest. I have asked him to only contact me if he is serious about us…usually a few days pass then I get some form of communication thats not about us but communication. I keep falling for it…thinking its HIS way of saying Im willing to work on it. Except nothing happens. Being friends wasnt something I was interested in at first but then I lost someone close and the last thing I wanted was to be distant from him. Im just an idiot.
    No contact is the direction I need to go…it scares me, maybe he will forget me or meet someone else. Replace me. If he does than it was not meant tobe. What he is doing now hurts just as much…..I hope I can do it

  28. Just reading everything on here made me feel better. Not BC of anyones sadness but BC it made me feel sadder for all of you and made me wish I could make everyone else better instead of dwelling on the pain I can’t get out of my head. My situation is very much like a lot I read and this isn’t the first time I’ve been here with the same person. I hate bein back in this place BC I don’t know how to deal with it and I get so overwellemed and frustrated so then it makes me lash out and say things I don’t mean. I’m gonna try my best at the no contact thing but its so hard when there are children involved. But all I know in the end no matter what is I don’t wanna lose the good person inside of me or be the angry one who lashes out and can’t control my emotions and I feel like the only way to do that is to just focus on me and what I need to do and not the hurt and betrayal that overwelms my poor heart.

  29. What if you’re the one who sees that it’s wrong? What if you’re the one having to instigate the breakup after seeing the truth and reality of your relationship? I am conflicted between the good things, memories, and more. He was so good to me, but it’s clear to me that even at 40 yo he’s not emotionally, financially ready and so insecure that I became aware he is co-dependent – he needs a mother and a lover. I can’t do it. I feel terrible that I’m hurting him – tonight, after a two-wk break – but I have to remember that he has also hurt me by telling me what I want to hear and then retracting it. By making ME be the one who has to do this. In fact, even though I’ve done some serious work the last two weeks on this, including three hours of nonstop, uncontrollable crying, I am still mad at him for making me feel sick to my stomach about this. I shouldn’t have to coax someone into talking to me about feelings and future. I know he needs someone who will be in a relationship on HIS terms. That’s not me. I know he needs someone who will put their foot up his butt to get him to do and have what it is he wants in life. I can’t help with that. I know I’m being realistic but I’m afraid he will come over and just tell me what I want to hear and I’ll be left confused again. In my mind, I know that the topic that brought this all on, the conversation, all happened for a reason. I am one of deep faith, but as much as I pray I can’t find peace. Maybe I will when it’s done. He was just SO good to me and we laughed a lot. Great friendship, but that was it. When it comes to the big stuff he either avoids or may not be mature enough, or in the right place to deal with it. I can’t marry someone like that. Yet, all I can think about is how I am going to hurt him and the fact that he’ll never understand that I’ve been hurting. It’s all about him. I wish him the best but don’t think I can stand knowing he’s sharing what we had with someone else. That he’s dancing with someone else in the middle of the restaurant on Valentine’s Day. I just can’t. I know it’s over. It still sucks.

  30. Mack, I swear to God we must be the same person…I am going thru the hardest time in my life right now…I am 32 years old and i have been with my husband since i was 15 years old…Our anniversary is supposed to b in a couple of weeks but i dont think we will make it…Right now as i type we are separated bcuz he says “he isnt right in the head” and he “needed to leave to clear his head”…i dont feel like he is coming back…we have 4 kids and everyday they ask me where daddy is, i just breakdown inside…i try not to cry in front my kids bcuz they are so innocent and dont need to be worried about the troubles mommy and daddy are having…No matter what i say to him it doesnt help at all…I have done nothing but try to help him and support him and be as good a wife as i can…but something is wrong…he says its not me at all its all him…in the beginning we were all good…this behavior just started happening this year…and its taken a huge toll on my heart…i have given this man over half of my life and now it looks like it was for nothing…i still love him..in fact i love him more now than i ever had…and if it werent for my kids i probably would have done something stupid by now…He says he is coming back home in a few days…But all hope is gone and do not believe it…As I end this i have stopped crying so i guess i feel a little better huh…But anyway Mack I would like to thank you for those last words u wrote because thats what i have been trying to do in this past year…Im kinda feeling like If he comes back ok, and if he doesnt ok. Its starting to not really mater to me.

  31. I have a heartache, and we haven’t even broken up yet. I’m in that internal struggle phase. I am very much in love with a man I have been dating for 2 years, and he loves me. We have been living together for more than a year. We are best friends. We have a very strong connection that I feel we will always have. We both have the same long-term illness, and his has affected his desire for intimacy, which is something I find important. I’m very touchy and love romance. He doesn’t hold me like someone who is in love would, and we are rarely intimate. I know that he doesn’t mean to be like this, and I think it hurts him to hear from me that I feel unloved at times. Yesterday I ended up thinking about how much it hurts and I ended up sobbing on our bathroom floor. I cried because I know that the situation makes me sad, and I know that I cannot change him. He told me that one day he will be better, but I should treat it like something that won’t change. I have not known the healthy version of him. He told me that he would understand if I made the decision to leave. I am so torn about this, it makes me sick just thinking about it. Everything would be perfect if he were better. I am strong and I know if we break up I will survive, but I have never felt so much love for anyone else, even my family and closest friends. So many high emotions and conflicting interests. I wish the answer were clear. I feel a little better just writing it all out. *le sigh.

  32. Jetta,
    Sounds like time apart for the both of you will help clear your minds and figure out what you really want. Do not contact him. Keep yourself busy. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Think positive thoughts. When you get that feeling, don’t feel sorry for yourself, instead tell yourself…I WILL BE OKAY, THIS TOO SHALL PASS, I HAVE SELF WORTH..smile even if only for a second. Buy a good book, do a little shopping or exercise your butt off it will benefit you and it will make him eat his heart out next time he sees how HOT you look. 🙂 Good luck!

  33. Some had 2 weeks relationship, other might had 15 yeas of it. Still it is the same amount of pain.
    Mine is 8 years.
    Falling in love is easy, but stand up for it thru all time isn’t.
    We had different beliefs (religius views). We both are tied to different family values.
    We experinced the destructive path in the SCENARIO 1 above. We had our little fight, then we had our hugs. It became a desctructive circle.
    Finally he had the sanity that he needed to stop us being trapped in the circle.
    What can I say, it takes two people to stand up for our love and he seems to give it up. I know I can’t force what he should feel and what choice he should make. Afterall he had his 8 years of consideration.
    It’s not only the pain that torturing me.(It really hurts, physically too) They are:
    – Fear. I fear the future, I fear for what I might be missing. How do I get rid of it? Positive thinking didn’t do much.
    – Memories. Good memories specially. It’s not as easy as wiping the whiteboard.
    – The regrets / dissapoinment. Regrets of wasting so much time, so much effort and so much love to have an end like this. (I am supposed to be an adventurous person, but this feeling is unavoidable) Dangerously I started to feel dissapointed to myself.
    – Expectation that the table will turn around any second, that he would turn around saying that he had made a mistake (movie like gesture). It’s a foolish empty hope, unconsiously I lied to myself.
    – I don’t know wheather to hate myself or to hate him.
    – Not knowing where I should begin from here.
    I’m not looking something to patch the wound. I need more than that, a real cure to the wound ‘cus it can get infectious (self destruction).

  34. My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me last night.. He said he couldn’t make time for me because of his work and I wouldn’t be this upset if he hasn’t done this before and told me that out love was worth it enough for him to make time even though he was always busy. We lived together and were inseparable. I didn’t have much friends when we got together and neither did he so we became all each other had. We broke up a week ago because I had suspicions and he texted me all day yesterday how he wanted to be with me and he loves me. I told him later that day it didn’t feel the same because we weren’t as affectionate as we use to be. We got to arguing and just agreed on seeing each other to speak. After talking he said that he honestly didn’t have time for me anymore he’s too busy. I left shortly after crying on my way home. He called me 10 seconds after to come back and I got happy because I thought it was to reconcile but he said he felt the need to say that he’s sorry he couldn’t make time for me. We both cried for about a half hour in each others arms. My stomach has been in knots all day as soon as I got home from work I couldn’t stop crying. This pain is so real and I’ve been wanting to text him or call him and tell him I love him so much I don’t know what to do. I’ll be okay for 5 min then my stomach turns Into knots and the tears start falling. He officially broke up with me last night and I cried myself to sleep.. Today i can’t stop crying and wanting to hear from him.. What can I do? The pain is so bad I’ve never felt this way.

  35. At the age of 39 I have just split with my partner of 13 years and am totally devastated. We got together in 1998, shared so much fun, joint friends, holidays, parties, births, deaths, laughs and dreams. We moved from a flat to a house in 1995 and couldn’t have been happier building a home together. She has always been the main income earner in the house and recently our wage gap has increased further, we have also had tragedies in her family and I have always been there to support her.
    I thought I was her rock and the person she could come home to and relax as we have been lovers, soulmates and best friends. Over the last year she became more and more withdrawn but kept telling me it wasn’t me so I tried harder than ever to be supportive which she found suffocating. Last week she dropped the bombshell that she no longer loved me and did not want to be together. She wants to live on her own, travel when she wants and go further in her career. She told me that she has spent the last year living with me without loving me because he didn’t want to hurt me. I feel like I have been a financial burden, a failure and a fool.

    I feel completely heartbroken, the person I have been living with and loving for so long has changed and all my dreams for growing old together are shattered. I have no idea why this happened and just don’t know how to cope. I love her so much and its killing me.

  36. Listen guys this is what I have been hoping to find when I went thru my breakup. Someone that has been thru it and came out the other side. I wanted to know the process. Now I have become that person. Now going into my 3rd month of break up. I have the answer….wish I had known years ago what I know today. Deep inside you know if a person is right for you, your heart does lie to you sometimes. It doesn’t want to hurt. Your heart also knows you better than you think it does. I know all to well what it feels like to awaken every morning with that person in your face and can’t even see them. I didn’t think I would ever own my life again. I didn’t think I would not hurt again. No contact seems so final, it does. We fear the other person will forget us if we don’t continue to remind them we are still around. They won’t. My imagination drove me crazy. What I would say if he called. I did stay strong in the “no contact” rule. I couldn’t delete him from my phone and he blocked me from facebook. As soon as I knew he unblocked me…I blocked him…powerful…that is so powerful, I took the power in my own hands. At the time it was HA! see how he feels to be blocked. But later it was the best thing for me. Now he comes into my mind at some point each day, but he does not own every thought every day. Now I do not see him as last living man for me. Actually I see him as a small person now, I see his weaknesses. This is how “No Contact” helped me. One, the most powerful tool we have to get an ex back is to not contact them, if you contact them your value does go down. Second, when you do this rule, in time you will be so over this person the laugh is on them. My biggest concern was “will he call”…..he did, not for the reasons I was hoping. That phone call took me right into acceptance. I was thrilled to have reached that stage. If I had been texting and calling every time I wanted to…I would not be in this healing place today. Really does take time and no contact to be the victor. Remember even if you think you want them back…no contact is powerful…..however in the end…bet you will not care if you see them or not. Keep this in mind….right now you believe this is the only person in the world for you…remind yourself that is a mind trick…you are use to the routine of your life with them in it…change that routine. He got off work at 7pm, that was the first time I noticed, I did not notice anymore because i made myself busy in the evenings. Then the mornings, when he went to work, the days he was off work…all of it I changed my life to not notice those times. Please do the no contact thing…..it really works and quicker than anything else….beware of rebound too…don’t transfer feelings..that can hurt worse….good luck!

  37. I just came out of a relationship that I knew in my mind would not work, although it was brief it was very intense and is causing me much pain, I feel confused, depressed and it’s like I lost my faith in me and every other human being. We fought a lot me and my girlfriend most of the times because I tought she did not respected me at all (she was constantly criticizing me in a destructive manner I even asked her why was she with me if she disliked so many things about me) but then she would always contact me and apologize and tell me she knew I was the man she wanted to marry since she first saw me and that she loved me but she wasn’t ready for a deeper relationship, I came to a point that I knew I had to break it off and told her that, some days later she calls me saying she doesnt want me out of her life and she was so sad, so we met a couple days after and then she tells me she is seeing someone else and she couldnt be with me I thought that was very cruel.

    All this constant roller coaster of emotions has taken a huge emotional toll on me I know I must do something but feeling quite helpless and unmotivated to do so, in a way I wish I could disappear. Any ways just sharing my story and I can relate with what you all wrote and in every comment I found something that will help me heal, eventually .Also the article is extremmely good. All the best to you all!

  38. What do you do when your mind and HEART says the 1 that just left you is still the only 1 for you? My fiance just told me that she had been lying to me & herself for a long time trying to convince herself that this relationship would work eventually, instead of telling me that she was unhappy. I think this is the part that hurts me the most as a man because it just reaffirms the insecurities that men have when living in a relationship. The fact that women can hide so much for so long without you knowing. Also, it makes a man feel like an emotional hostage because a man is supposed to suppress his feelings while women are expected to express theirs. I had my doubts at times, but I always thought that true love would prevail. Does this mean that I was living in a total illusion or did we just run into a major obstacle. We have children together as well which really doesn’t help the situation either.
    Lord knows I really & truly love this woman. Its almost like I lost a rib. To me she really is my “other half”. How can someone that feels so right feel like there’s no chance we can be happy together? Was I really that blind?

  39. Here is the problem. My heart says I will never love that again, that I am broken inside, and I miss my ex, and the people in her family. My head says, dammit all the signs that we are a good fit were there. how we got together, how her family reacted to me, how I was welcomed into the family as their son-in-law even before I proposed, it WAS the right thing. We fit, meshed as well as two imperfect people can. My mind tells me this and nothing seems to be able to change that thought. It feels like I’m just trying to rationalize myself into feeling better just by trying to think otherwise. Simply my brain knows we should be together, leaving my heart wondering what the hell happened??

  40. Love really is state of mind. Not to say some people pierce a home in your heart for a lifetime…they do. As time goes by it becomes easy to live with that person dwelling in that small part you allowed them to occupy. In time that part only brings remembrance to your mind through a song or an event you once shared. However you will pass the obsession. When this happens…glory be..freedom! If they call you back, you will recall how many times you waited by the phone and now you don’t even remember what time they got off of work. I am 51 years old and just went thru one of the toughest break ups of my life. I have known many in my life and at this age never expected to face yet another one. I have learned so much from this one. One thing I always did wrong and finally got right. Don’t trick yourself into believing there is a chance. Don’t fool yourself into not facing the truth when you really deep down know it. Oh hell yes this hurts…truth does usually. DO not, do not, do not call them unless you ended it…one call..one let them know you are willing to go back…then drop it on their court. If they don’t call you…don’t do it…call a friend, break a finger…especially if they ended it…do not trick your head here. (most time they will call back…by the time they do..you really will not care anymore) If you listen to nothing I say…please do this….this pain does pass…it really does. This hurts so bad because when a break up happens we are being forcefully ask to kill a love that is within us. We had love all along, this person just allowed us to see our own soul. Someone else can hold this mirror up and you can feel it again…take time for this. Time the stealer, time the healer. ……tammy weston…facebook….I’m available to talk to if anyone needs to……good luck..and to me too!

  41. I was with a man that we had talked about our future together and how the rest of our lives would be. Now i sit here wondering and pondering where it went wrong. Like why do i feel like i am neck deep in mud and keep getting sucked down. How am i supposed to function with this pain so new and fresh? Right before our vacation and our birthdays… I cant understand why this is harder than my divorce and previous loves combined.

  42. Relationship ended just shy of our ten year anniversary. I know that the past 2 years have been a bumpy road. Although I hate to admit it, I know that not only did i question why the relationship was still going on, but i did as well. We have been together since we were 17 and now at 27, I am just at a loss. The signs in both my mind and my heart lead to ending the relationship, but the sadness and hurt still linger throughout me. I catch myself overwhelmed with feelings of sadness…so much so that i almost burst into tears at work, at home, hanging out with friends, or whatever. A part of me feels afraid to move on, a part of me feels scared to be alone for the first time in ten years, a part of me is afraid that I won’t find someone else, and a part of me hopes, wishes, and prays that we will get back together. Why? Is it because I still really love him or is it because I really am just afraid to be alone. I hate when I catch myself sitting by my phone waiting for him to text me or call me and it just never happens. I just want the time to go by quickly enough for this pain to finally be over.

  43. I have been suffering a terrible broken heart. I knew the entire relationship it had no chance. Yet I subjected myself for 3 months to it until I got hooked. The first few days I thought I was going to die. I am not new to heart break, but had been a really long time since I have experienced one. So many factors involved here. One thing I can tell all of you….do not call your EX…break your fingers before you text one more word. Trust me on this. There is something to be said for “no contact”..NC. You really do heal faster. I sent one stupid email to him, I now wish I could take back. I sat around hoping he would call and he has not. I have resigned to the fact it really is over. What helped me the most…not talking to him. Also, exercise your butt off. I play tennis every night. I know you don’t feel like doing anything…trust me on this too..exercise does release happiness to your brain. Time the healer. Good Luck…you will feel better.

  44. Thank god i found this website, finally the pain in my heart started to fade away slowly, even though it haven’t completely healed. It is my first love,I was in a relationship for 1 year, even though we have different views on philosophy of life, i still love her and tried to change her way of thinking which is very negative. Even sometimes we had communication breakdown as her English is weak, but thank god i can speak Chinese, we manage to maintain the relationship. During our relationship, i didn’t get the blessing from her parents side. They totally rejects me without even meet me, the only reason for them is that i am an Indian, and they cannot except it because of different religion and race. They will only accept me if I’m a highly ranked in career such as lawyer,doctor or businessman.What a typical Chinese minded family they are. They cant accept different race, but they can accept if I’m a higher rank person even with different race. What kind of crap it this. So money and position that all matters. So both of us continue our relationship without their knowing. I was grateful and happy that my family openly welcomed her in our family. At least my side understands our feeling and support us. As time pass by, she started to feel afraid of our relationship will come to an end, because she cannot disobey her parents, but i managed to comfort her by giving them some time hoping that everything will turn out good. Well it is just a waste of effort, as she doesn’t have the guts to talk to her parents. I was very disappoint with her, both of us work in the same place, but because the pressure she and her parent give me, eventually i managed to find a better job. This time for real, as an executive management in a company. But i need to pay for the price, which is being separate away from her, and only able to meet her 3 months once. I know one day i will climb the ladder and become someone thus prove to her family that I’m able to take care of her. As soon our 1st meeting after 3 months, both of us were happy to meet each other again. But in the 3 month process, I’ve overcome a huge personality change within me, i started to view the world differently. But she remained the same, same old patterns same beliefs. I realized one thing, you cannot change a person unless they are willing to change them self. After a week i went to work, my mentor advised me to become successful in career first, then only decide my love life. Then one day, i unintentionally told her that i wanna be single for a period of time,so that i can concentrate on my career, just hoping she will understand me, and would be patient and wait for me till I’ve achieve my goals and dreams. Guess what, as soon i broke up with her, she started going out with somebody else. I was so hurt about it, feel like my hearts tearing off. I cant stand the pain, every time i think about her with someone else. But she told me nothing there is between them, i tried to reconcile with her again, but she keep rejecting me by saying she has no more feeling towards me, no matter how i try, it just doesn’t work out. She even told me she is relieved now as she doesn’t feel the pressure from her parents anymore.I was completely lost of the sense of direction, i starting to hate my job, hate the people around me. She is the reason of me being here, but now I’m stuck here. As soon i started reading the advised from this website, i started to gained back control of my subconscious mind. Maybe both of us are not fated in life as perfect soul mate. Even though right now we are still good friends, one day i will prove to her and make her regret for the actions she take. I believe i will find a better person who can understand me better. Just keep on being positive, and it will attract someone one day. Thank you for reading.. Kind appreciate any advise..

  45. I think my situation is different here in that I am in a relationship with a beautiful person who I want to spend the rest of my life with. We both are deeply in love with each other. Our relationship will end in 2 weeks time because I have to return to my own country for family reasons. I cannot see me ever having the opportunity to return to be with her again, financial reasons and cultural differences make it virtually impossible. We are both spontaneously breaking into floods of tears, knowing we cannot be together. It is like waiting to die, horrible, just a living nightmare. We have lived together now for 8 happy months until this bombshell hit us. It is ripping my heart out. We are trying to enjoy the time we have left together but it is very hard.

  46. Mack,
    Thank you for your words after your experience of heartbreak, Its more or less same happened to me but I am impressed the way you have explain and give n message for others…”never think that you can force someone to love you as much as you love them, and don/t let all your friendships, job and social life fail because your so focused on the one your with”

    Very true…Thank you…

  47. I am 2 weeks into my first broken heart and I am 25 years old. I always thought I was a strong person who could bounce back from a break up, but I realize now that was only because I was always the person ending the relationship. Two weeks ago, my love of a year, decided its “not meant to be” and that he is a “mess inside”, whatever that means. What hurts the most is the fact that he cant even explain why he is ending it and also, that this is the first relationship I have given my all and not always been looking for something better. I’ve done nothing but drill him over and over through text messages about how he is feeling and why he did this but he just gets angry and tells me to accept it or he cant talk to me anymore. It’s hard to not blame myself or think that its ME that he didn’t want to be with. I have always suspected he had inner struggles going on inside(sometimes being distant, depressed, cold, emotionless) but he would snap out of it a day or two later and be so loving towards me. This is what kept my hope that it would work out so it became my mission to make sure he was always happy and in a good mood and if he wasn’t, I got very depressed. It seems the harder I tried, the farther away he got. We have had short breaks before ( a few days to a week) but he always came back saying that he was an idiot for leaving and is lucky to have me. This time it seems to be for real. Nothing I say to him makes him change his mind. Everyone keeps telling me that he really is going through something that I will never know but it doesn’t help the pain. Its so painful knowing that I could never make him happy enough no matter how great of a girlfriend I was. I put all of my effort in trying to be perfect for him that I have completely lost my identity and don’t even know where to begin to heal. All these websites tell you to hang with friends and keep yourself busy, but that never helps. I just end up crying in a public place and embarassing myself. I guess the lesson I learned is to never think that you can force someone to love you as much as you love them, and don/t let all your friendships, job and social life fail because your so focused on the one your with.

  48. This site has touched my soul in the most remarkable ways. Well my heart yearns for him to come back but my head resents it as it knows it would only cause me more harm. I’m happy to say that I now eat, sleep and breath more easily.

  49. I was in an intense relationship for over a year with a man my head told me was not right for me and everyone around me but my heart fell in love with. He filled the loneliness I had been feeling since a breakup 2 years earlier. This man swore up and down that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that I was the most beautiful woman, woman he had been looking for all his life. He made me feel wanted and loved. We had a great intimate relationship that was like an addiction. I also began to question his fidelity. He lied so many times and would continuously deny that he said or did things that I saw and heard. He claimed that I was imagining things or had issues from previous relationships that were making me act this way. I tried to break things off numerous times because we would fight over the same issues which he would deny. He would beg and pursue me to take him back and I did. I recently found out and caught him in lies = he knows that I know exactly who he is seeing. He stopped calling and texting abruptly and the last text he sent said that he fell in love with me and that I am who he has been looking for his whole life. He has taken a toll on my self esteem and broken my heart. He begged me to trust him and I wanted to so badly. This comes on the anniversary of losing my daughter. I feel lost, paralyzed with sadness and fear of being alone. I’m also so angry for him doing this and jealous thinking of who he is with. Reading this Step to Heal was like an old friend who understands what I’ve gone through. I need to grieve and heal and feel like the tools are here to help me on that journey. This gives me hope!

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