When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

You are sitting with your cell phone staring at a text message you wrote to your ex hours ago. You debate whether to send it or not. You stare at your phone while your mind tells you to have more respect for yourself. You logically understand that sending the message is not going to make the situation any better – nor will it heal your pain. Then your heart enters the scene and overpowers your mind. Your heart says, “Go ahead, send it, you will feel better…temporarily at least.”

The scenario above represents one example of a misalignment between your heart and your mind that is a common occurrence after a break up. Every decision you make is determined by a combination of your logic and emotion. If these different elements that make you who you are happen to conflict, you will understandably feel conflicted and make decisions that reflect this turmoil.

The concept of alignment will help you understand why you may have been in a relationship that was not good enough for you. It will also help you understand how to use your logic to help heal your broken heart. Let’s look at some more examples of what happens when your heart and mind disagree with one another.

Scenario 1 – During the Relationship

Your mind says, “I deserve more – this relationship is not right.”
Your heart says, “Stay, it will work out.”

If you were in a relationship where it was obvious that you were not receiving the love, respect, and engagement that you deserve, then your mind was probably nudging you during the relationship and asking you, “Why are we still here?” You remained in that relationship for longer than you should have because your heart believed that your mate and relationship could change.

Your heart believed that it was better to be in a relationship that was mediocre than to be alone. Your heart was saying to you, “Hey, give it a chance, it’s not that bad.” Your mind and heart were not aligned and this probably led to fighting, to an internal struggle, and eventually the break up. Often when we want more from a relationship than we are getting, we continually try to get ‘more’ by attempting to change the person we are with or by forcing other changes in the relationship. This is generally a destructive path.

Scenario 2 – During the Relationship

Your heart says, “This relationship is everything I need.”
Your mind says, “There are red flags here that I shouldn’t ignore.”

When one partner in a relationship is not happy, they usually provide indications either verbally, in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, or via non-verbal actions of their discontent. If you are the other partner that is madly in love, you do actually receive the red flags as signals in your mind. Unfortunately, your heart overpowers your logic in this case. Your heart speaks so loudly about how in love you are and how perfect everything is, that you drown out the messages your mind has received.

Eventually, after the break up, it is easier to see the red flags were present in your relationship. You also may realize that some of the reason you were deeply attached to your ex was because you loved the idea of being in love. If you relate to this scenario, remember, you deserve a love with equal give and take. Reciprocity is essential to the success of a relationship and you should never have to convince someone to love you as much as you love them.

Scenario 3 – After the Break Up

Your mind says, “I am going to be okay. In fact, before long, I’m going to feel like myself.”
Your heart says, “The pain is excruciating, I don’t think I will ever feel at peace again.”

After your break up, if you sit quietly and listen to your inner voice, you will hear hope inside. This hope is telling you that you will feel better, that you will live life once again with passion, and that you will experience love once again. The information you are being sent from your mind  is based on your history and the fact that you have overcome obstacles in the past. Your mind remembers the times where you have faced adversity and have come out on the other side stronger and brighter. Your heart is speaking out of fear; listen to your mind – it has a strong basis for giving you hope.

Listen to words from friends, family, and counselors even if they do not feel like they are helping to heal your broken heart. Every single word helps. Listen to every word someone with experience has to tell you. Up until now, we haven’t discussed the subconscious mind. Positive messages to your subconscious mind can overpower negative ones from your heart. Everything you are reading and listening to about healing is entering your subconscious and will help you heal faster.

Above I have discussed the logical mind being overpowered by a somewhat illogical heart. Please note, the situation can certainly occur in reverse. Your heart may experience genuine love yet have seeds of doubt planted by an insecure mind. In either situation, if you are looking to heal your heartache from your current break up, please know it is possible.

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Hi there, thanks for writing in. I’m out of the office today, but wanted to let you know I received your email and will get back to you by tomorrow.

Love & Light,

Amelie Chance
Certified Coach of Positive Psychology
Heal My Broken Heart


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468 thoughts on “When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

  1. i just recently broke up with my girl and i feel like i am the one who got dumped…i’ve been with this girl for 4 years now but its been up and down for the last ten months…my story started last year september when she came back from a bachelorette in miami and i noticed that when i picked her up from the airport she didnt really look excited to see me and as we drive home she cant stop talking about how she wants to move to miami…ive been with this girl for 3 1/2 years before she went to that bachelorette and she never lied to me and i never doubt her but that day…i dint ask much question when we got home from the airport all i ask was is she had a good time and if she took a lot of pics and she said no so i didnt bother looking but couple of days after she went and meet up with the people that she went and upload the picture where there will be one copy only but as she leave the house i saw her bring her memory card but i didnt say anything till she gets back and from there i went down hill and it follow by her adding some guy in facebook that they met in miami and when i ask her who that guy is she gave me 3 different stories about that guy in 3 days…but after all that we decided to work things out and move on and plan our future, trips that got pushed to jan,2013 because of her work coz she said that work is going to busy and she wont be able to take a days off ….but last week she told me that they are going back to miami again with same people and i told her that im not comfortable about that but still she went and booked the flight even though she knows how i feel about it so i decided to break up with her but when i was saying good bye and told her that if this is what she wants then ill give way but dont expect me to sit and wait and pretend that ill be ok with it and i told her that i hope when she gets back she can say to her self that its worth giving up the 4 years over the 4 the days in miami and she start jumping and crying in the car and telling me that she knows that she wants me and she loves me and want to have kids with me but she doesnt know what she wants and she feels like there’s something missing. i broke up with her coz i feel like im only a second option and didnt consider how i feel about the miami trip.

    Now here is my dillema, i love this girl so much and i was about to propose to her next year when we go for our trip, part of me wants to stay and part of me dont and if she tell me that is not going and ask me me back, i would probably get back with her again but i know my guard will be up.

  2. I’m glad I found this site, reading these stories has helped me get my mind off things and realize that unfortunately … heartbreak and failed hopes and expectations are a part of life. But when you go through a hard relationship and eventually a break-up, you’ll be able to see those traits in others and end relationships before you fall in love or get to deep into it. You’ll be able to sense a douche bag before getting to know or love the guy ( or girl. )

    Me and my ex only broke up earlier today. It’s not the first time we’ve broken up, but I know it’s the last, because when I decided to end it, I felt the worst gut-wrenching pain I’ve ever felt in a break-up. We’ve been together for quite a while, we were high school sweethearts and even lost our virginity to each other. We talked about the future, getting married, you know. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me. People were always admiring and envious of our love/relationship because it was something you often see in only movies. I wanted it all to work so bad, but there were things about his ways and choices that I could never put up with for the rest of my life. I was constantly repeating myself, over and over, telling him the things that he did that upset me – he would apologize and say sorry and say that he’d change, but he would go back to his old ways of doing things that pissed me off such as ignoring my calls when he knew I was upset ( he had trouble talking things out and facing his problems ) he would forget talks we had that were very important, and most of this was because he smoke weed heavily. If you don’t think its harmful, let me tell you now, it kills your brain and your memory and makes you stupid and slow.

    And that is exactly how my boyfriend was. We had great times together, he was so faithful to me, but he wasn’t at all smart or very deep of a person like I was. He even stated himself that I deserved someone smarter, and that I was the glue that held our relationship together. I dealt with this all and stuck strong by him – but it soon became obvious to the both of us that he had experienced a lot of damage from his childhood that he was taking out on me. I tried to stand by his side and support him, but I’m no Dr. Phil. It became to much for me to handle, he constantly told me he was working on changing, but days became months, and months became a year and I told myself that I needed to respect myself more and leave, before his emotions that he’d take out on me by yelling or just being plain difficult and inconsiderate, would grow worse. I had to think of myself.

    So I broke up with him, and we both cried our eyes out while hugging each other while he kept saying “I can’t let you go.” Over and over. But you cannot change a man no matter how much he loves you or you love him, you have to believe that ladies. Only person who can change him is himself, not you, not ever you. This is the biggest mistake women make; they think they can change a man based on their love. Rarely that is the case. I love him with all my heart. He isn’t my first love, but my most passionate, and this break up has hurt me greater than I have ever known. I feel like part of me is missing, I feel he is my soulmate , I still think he is … and I pray to God that he finds help and counseling or therapy, and that this works out and we can grow old together.

    But as perfect as it sounds, I have to also kill that hope I have.
    No hopes, no expectations, no disappointment.

  3. Wow, an hour ago I found out my boyfriend of twelve yrs has been cheating. I suspected a week ago and finally got the truth from the other woman who lives around the corner literally. I went over and confronted her because apparently tomorrow she goes off to Rehab for a month, and I would not get the truth from him. When I returned HE GOT ANGRY that I was even asking and the berated me and said its over. I didnt even get a chance to tell him off or even blink or anything. Im numb. I have taken him back before for his cheating but the last two years have been great and boom, here I am devastated and humiliated. I hate myself for believing him at all. Im an hour into this absolute hell. I cant even process where my heart is at or how many pieces its in. I hope every one of you who have posted before me are doing well and moving forward. Im lost.

  4. I felt all alone and reading all this made me feel less nonexistent. My relationship of 6 years ended a month ago, and the pain is so immense that it is difficult to breathe. I am not a perfect person, but he me blamed me for so much, and he lacked so much personal reflection. He has humiliated on fb (and he’s 35 yrs old) and has said horrible things about me, as if things are not bad enough. He was not like this when I met him years ago. He promised me so many things, things that I never asked for. He said he wanted a family and that he would always cherish and respect me. But he lied about everything, and I don’t know why he would go so far. I feel like such a fool. I thought that if I loved him hared enough he would change. I was such a child. I’m scared he took some of my spirit from me.

  5. I wish I had help like this with my 17 year marriage and divorce 13 years ago. Maybe I could have discovered why I attract men who can not make decisions. It would be nice if they could just tell you it is over. Two weeks ago I broke up with my boy friend of 6 years. I have never met his family in those 6 years. For the last two years he has been withdrawing. I made a list of 26 things I thought we both loved doing together. We have not done any of them for the past year. That includes kissing. I have asked what is wrong many times but he would not talk. He promised things would be better in the summer. 2 days before summer I told me he was going to his daughter’s house for a week. This happen on a regular basis. I think he has been depressed about many things, but if they do not let you in what can you do? I am 61. I just can not take this anymore. I know I am valuable. He was lucky to have me. I should have ended this 3 years ago.

  6. I must say this a good site. I was in relationship with a person I thought I loved a lot. I loved everything about him, even his broken family background and his insecure financial status. so much so that my family actually thought he could be out for my inheritance instead of me. But I always thought he had capacity within and stayed by him. But 6 months before after I had disagreement with my family, after I left everything to start new life with him somewhere I hardly know a thing about, only to be together with him, he simply said please forgive me and forget me. He said he still loved me but cannot be by my side because family pressure is too high on him. He has been married 3 months now to a girl his family arranged for him. I did not contact him after he said he finally decided to marry a girl his family chose for him. Last time I talked to him was when I needed comfort most with all the pressure on me, but first sentence he said was forget me. I even thought I’d suicide the same night but hanged on. Its been six month since then, my pain are still the same, i dont know if I still love him or not. But everytime I think of hating him, I think I deserve better than use my energy hating someone selfish as him. I was scared even to fall in love with him. He convinced me that he would take care of everything and he would always be mine. Even a week before our final talk he said he will always love me. but it all seems like trash now. Its funny to think at one time you have everything you ever wished for and next time that everything is gone, simply because you chose to trust someone. What I want to get over now is the thought that when I finally see him someday I might be as lonely as I am now and he happy. I certainly do not want that. I want to be much happier then and I do not even want to acknowledgment of his presence ever in my life. I need the happiness back in my life, the same happy feeling I once had and took everywhere with me. I want it back but sometimes I feel like robbed me of it. I still think of letting him know how much it hurt because of him, to tell him he is guilty for this but then he did not think before cutting off and getting married wid someone else what does he care and why waste my words.

  7. For three years I was in an open relationship. After the first 8 months I knew that I wanted more than to just be his “go to girl”. I don’t know why I put up with it, because I knew that he wouldn’t change his mind. My options were to either say nothing, or lose him. I chose to say nothing. After dealing with this for three years, I finally decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him that if I couldn’t be his girlfriend, then I couldn’t be anything at all. He told me that at this stage in his life, he couldn’t commit to me or anyone else for that matter. It broke my heart. This person who I have loved for so long was just letting me go. He told me he still loved me but that our futures wouldn’t allow us to have the relationship that we both wanted. It has only been a week since our relationship ended. Emptiness has been my constant companion. I am just glad I have found a positive solution that will eventually help me heal this gaping wound that I carry on my heart.

  8. After almost 42 years of learning & preaching positive to every negative soul that crossed my path I feel like a pain in the azo to myself, I knew my relationship was never going to go where I wanted as we were total opposites , it was a comfort issue.
    Me being emotionally lazy, not giving myself the credit to try harder, I realized it for 8 years, even letting myself be degraded by this relationship public & private. My mind says ” hey, u, u will get thru this”, heart says” your always going to be alone( not really alone, I have a wonderful son, growing up, spreading his own wings to soar), I say “shut up heart& just beat like your supposed to…thank you to everyone on here sharing their pain, would love to say it makes me feel better knowing I’m not alone, it does how ever
    Give me strength , knowing we all can be our own fool & it’s ok to do that if we learn from it, learning to listen to ourselves, put ourselves first as individuals , admitting out loud that we hurt, knowing somebody can hear us , understanding our pain, not letting it lead to longer darker road alone,,,, we’re not alone, to everyone hurting I say ” let us not forget the bad breath & crapola that we no longer have to deal with, nobody’s perfect, not us nor the ones who took our wonderful selves for granted!” this site is very helpful, the subconscious mind, our part of our mind to save us from ourselves? Or maybe it is two small minds talking to one huge heart? strength in numbers 😉
    I heard exercise helps, all the energy I’m putting into trying to heal my heart could be used to give it better place to heal, thank you for letting me get it all out, my very best goes out to all of us, yep even me, we all know if we can’t love ourselves….;)

  9. Last week my boyfriend of 2 years ended the relationship it had just came from nowhere, we were planning our future talking about kids and out of nowhere he tells me its over that he can’t get over that i used to go out with a few of his friends, i know it sounds bad in black and white but i was young a stupidand was a long time ago. Why did it take him this long to make up his mind. I really miss him and i would take him back in a heart beat. I haven’t eaten more than 2 bits of food since it happened i feel like im gonna vomit all the time, im sad all the time i taught i would have been with him forever. I can’t even talk to anyone about it without bursting into tears. The taught of seeing him or even imaging him someone else makes me wanna die. I hope this gets better soon.

  10. Unusual I see lots of you ladies posting on here with broken hearts well.. Im a great guy who was just broken up with by my amazing ex girlfriend although i hate to say ex as im not upset with her. Anyways im 25 we were each others first i know i guess im a late bloomer but i never pulled the trigger to until the right one so i thought i came around we took our time things kept building then all of a sudden a month before the breakup i kinda noticed things were different i was feeling less from her i had said to myself a few times i need to talk to her but instead i ignored my mind like this part of heartbreak says. so i just kept going i was patient with her a lot i did not want to say anything was wrong cause i didnt want to change her instead i tried to make her better i guess i pushed her away in the end im probably the most loving man you can find out there i really did treat her right. but the signs were there the past few weeks i just kept ignoring them and trying my best to love her more and take place what she wasnt giving back i messed up. but she broke up with me yesterday june 5th she said she didnt love me anymore like she use to. my selfish heart still wants to believe she loves me and that she has just blocked me out due to stress from work and that she is involved in 4h fair and her best friend kinda controls her. there is nothing more i can do i know i cant hang on to the fact that she will miss me. but i still think there is more to it then that just this constant struggle and i feel like every tear i cried is like me taking back every moment ive spend loving her and i dont want to take it back i want to stay with her at least for now. our relationship was one of a kind we never argued and we had passion in our love but i guess it died for her. ahhhhhh i wish this on no one no matter how much i dislike them… thanks for reading my heartbreak

  11. Next month is going to be one year that my ex and I got a divorce. Believe it or no it still hurt. We were married 17 years. Out of the blue he told me that he no longer love me and he had numerous affairs. He told me that he’s not seeing another woman. After I sign the divorce papers, my ex girlfriend’s husband came to my house and told me about the affairs before the divorce. At this present time, they are still together but she’s still legally married to her husband, and my ex is miserable with her. However, I have not talked to him since August of last year. He hardly see the kids and we have a son with cerebal pasley. My kids and I are doing a lot better. I had dated, but I don’t want to rush to anything serious. Time will held. I’m happier and less depressed. Life goes on.

  12. Reading all these comments has helped me a little for the moment in healing my broken heart. The pain is so bad at times that it feels almost like a real physical pain, I haven’t been able to eat properly or even sleep well like I used to. It feels as if I can’t go on with my life at times. My heart can’t seem to let my ex go, I still see a future for us which hurts even more, I wish that I could stop over thinking things and stop feeling this way. Maybe in time it will get better, knowing I’m not alone does help me feel a little normal. I hope that in time all of you will feel better and that you wouldn’t hurt anymore.

  13. I concur with others in saying this is a help – knowing the pain of heartbreak is one that most people experience and have to overcome. I have been equating my experience with contracting a virus. The sickness hits you in waves and there’s nothing you can do but let it wash over you, purge, and wait till your body overcomes it. This grieving process is truly physical like that – the loss of appetite, the insomnia, wondering if I’d said or done this or that differently perhaps I wouldn’t be suffering so….. I am 43, was involved in an affair (he was still married) after my unhappy marriage broke apart, and really unwisely, fell in love for the first time in my life.

    I think part of it, too, is the fact that we allowed ourselves to give our heart so completely away, only to discover it wasn’t reciprocated. Or worse, we thought it was but it was beautifully crafted lies. It’s our willingness to sacrifice ourselves. We give the most precious part of us away and grieve the loss when it’s left under the welcome mat in the form of a shiny key, after a relatively mild disagreement, at that. But the relationship was a difficult one because of the circumstances. He needed to grow into the choice of a divorce on his own, and as much as he adored my love and giving compared to his tyrant wife, he hadnt arrived at the place emotionally in order to make that step. Kids were involved as well so I do not blame him for his choice, just the fact that he didn’t honor me or our love enough to talk to me honestly. Just disappeared and closed the email account completely. I have all his other contact info but i am not going to use it. If he can’t be with me, he cant. It wouldn’t do me any good to try and make it happen. My antidote to my addiction :-), is to change my blueprint for my life. I had one blueprint all centered around the possibility of us, and now I have to see my life differently. It’s when we refuse to let go of the old plan, fight the change, that we deny ourselves happiness. I still love him deeply, but my recovery is going well. Like detoxing from a drug, I have to give myself time to cleanse, then I’ll be stronger, better, and oh I hope WISER! :-). Love and happiness to all!

  14. Hi I am Jimmy, I agree dealing with break ups are one of the
    Most painful ordeal in life we must go through. Is never easy,
    Just need to take it step by step, and when you fail
    go back to step 1 – just stand up and
    Do it again and again until you can Run and never
    Look back and nor should you regret it.

  15. Most of the comments on here are hitting home so deeply to my heart, that it resonates throughout my entire body…my girlfriend had ended it with me about a month and a half ago now. We were in a 10 year relationship, having all the ups and downs that normal relationships would. Once we moved in together was when the real tests, and results, became apparent. We had differences, but I thought we would always be able to work through them. I loved her so much, and was willing to do anything and EVERYTHING for her. When she ended it; to me, it seemed to have come out of nowhere…and to this day I can’t seem to get over the fact that, not even after a couple days, she was out and about. After that, I tried to do the same, but it just wasn’t te same at all. The worse thing is that I keep talking, or trying to talk rather, to her, and every time it just gets worse and worse haha. I keep pushing her away with every word I say to her. I just wish she would come back. I know that I had my faults, but also know that I can’t be as bad as MOST of the other guys out there…but until I can find a way to get through this permanently, I guess I’ll have to deal with this pain…”alone”…although, now having read all of the comments, I know that I’m not the only one any more…

  16. There really is comfort in knowing that the helpless feelings I am feeling is “not just me”. I am finally coming to the realization, after a twelve year marriage, that this is no longer a situation that I can stand. Love doesn’t look or feel like this. All the mental & physical abuse has changed me as a person. At times I look at myself & don’t recognize the woman staring back at me in the mirror. I have lost my exuberance and zest for life that I once had. I feel lost and don’t know where to begin to find myself. I wish my heart would wake up and listen to what my mind has known for years…

  17. Being broken hearted is a terrible feeling. Personally, I was in a 7 year relationship. We dated, got engaged, bought a house together, and divorced. I was the one who chose to leave. I simply woke up one morning and decided that this relationship was NOT the one that I wanted. I thought that being on my own HAD to be better than being in the indifferent relationship that we continued for years. I left him in February, moved into my own place, and thought I would be strong and independent and ok…but Im not. I have tried dating, and got very hurt by a man I thought would be a good and safe choice. I started dating someone who worked out at my gym…BIG MISTAKE. Now I feel empty from being divorced, as well as getting walked all over by someone else. I feel like I am unloveable sometimes…and worry that I will never find someone. I am young (25) and want to be married again and have children. I panic when I am alone, because I worry that I might not have another chance at love. I cry at terrible times and nothing seems to fill the void of being alone. Ive always heard that surrounding yourself with friends will help, but for me it just makes it worse. I do not know how to fix this awful feeling.

  18. This site definitely makes me feel better. I have just ended a 3 years relationship.
    It is really heartbroken to hear from your loved one that he is not sure whether im the one after 3 years.

    I’m just hope everyday will be a better day for me now.

  19. Lets start from the beginning I met my ex when I was 18 I am 24 now. We lived together for 3 years and one day it just suddenly got worse to the point I had to get my own place. I begged and pleaded with him not to leave me and I can change to whoever he wants me to be, of course didn’t work so couple months go by and I met someone else I really fell for him and when my ex found out he wanted me back we tried it for about 2 months but I was so hung up on this other guy and I finally realized my ex is the one but now he does not want me. We have a child together and he still wants to be intimate and of course I let him cause I love him and I tell him we can’t be
    friends or intimate with eachother but its like he says ok I understand and couple days
    later he wants to come over and I let him. He reminds me that were over and this has been going on for almost a year and I feel like I can’t get pass stage one. I’m really going to try this out and maybe I will be at peace with the situation.

  20. I was married for 24 years, unhappily at the end. Met, by accident, the man who was the soul mate I thought. He convinced me to divorce saying he ok’d take care of me until my divorce was final and we would then get married. I lived with him for nine months but he never mentioned marriage again! I became jealous of his attentions to customers in his shop and another employee. He finally said he was moving back to his other home and I had no where to go except to move on with a girlfriend until I could buy the house back I got in my divorce. It has been over a year now, I live by myself, I still love him but he says I had. Terrible temper and I tried to breakup with him too many times. So, he is nw seeing his old girlfriend of 20 yrs. Says he doesn’t lve her but she is comforting, he lves me but needs time to see IF I really love him and want o be a teamplayer!! What should I do, I am 63, he s 67 and he has only been arrived once for two years, over 25 years ago!

  21. Everyone’s comments and stories as sad as they are, are encouraging in a time of so much pain. My boyfriend and I haven’t even broken up, but tonight was not a good night for us. I don’t know if it’s one of those stupid things that got blown out of proportion or if it’s just the tip of the iceberg, and about time things changed. I love him with all my heart, and I do believe he loves me, but then why do we end up like this? Currently I’m sitting in bed with a bottle of wine – I’m not a drinker, have had it stashed for quite some time but felt the urge to indulge. How hard is it to make a phone call ? Like honestly I don’t feel like I ask for much!! I hate feeling like I’ve been put on the back burner, I just want to be a priority and I really thought after hearing all those promises things would change, but now I feel like they’re empty.. the sad thing is, he is an amazing guy, we just have the one problem of me always being left hanging, waiting, without a call, and I hate feeling so pathetic when it comes to stuff like that. I’m the kind of girlfriend that ALWAYS keeps him in mind, but maybe it’s just too much, maybe I need to stop caring so much, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of the relationship? The more time that passes I think, is it really worth the relationship, and the fight over a simple request such as a phone call? do I reallly wanna give everything up over something so miniscule? But when I’m sitting, waiting to be picked up to go on our date, or to hang out, and as an hour goes by and then I call to find out he’s at the bar with some friends my heart just breaks and I feel like I know the answer to this! It’s ridiculous, I know. You probably think I’m pathetic while reading this, but to each his own. Thanks for the opportunity to vent, much needed.
    *glug, glug, glug*

  22. We were best friends for 2yrs
    Together, from the ages of 19(me) and 21, for 11yrs
    It’s been over for almost 4yrs.
    He came home one day and said “I don’t think I love you anymore” and that was it.
    You really don’t understand the pain until you live it. Mine was physical. I felt anxious and exposed. I lost my appetite for 6mths afterwards.
    There’s too much to say about it really.. My breakup was full of some extremely devastating revelations- cheating, secret money, secrets, lies and the revelation that a large group of my friends knew some of what he had done. It’s heartwrenching when the person you love becomes the person who almost destroys you.
    But: It does get better. It really does.

    So I strived, I healed. Most importantly- I FORGAVE. Him, myself and all those involved.
    Forgiveness is a gift you give to YOURSELF. Everyday you spend hating someone is like drinking poison in the hopes it will kill THEM only you’re really hurting yourself.
    It isn’t easy but it is worth it.
    I no longer have contact with him and he has moved on. I wish the best for him, after all I did, and still do, love him.

    The next man I was dating for 9months. I hoped it might lead to something but I wasn’t really feeling it and ended it. Then I found out about his secret wife, their son AND a secret girlfriend he had. That only made me stronger really.
    I moved on again.
    And now? Now I’ve just ended a 6month relationship that was never really a relationship and the whole time he was with another woman who I KNEW about. WTF? Who have I become? To make matters worse I work with him, his brother, parents, aunties AND the ‘other womans’ mother. AND I get to stare at a computer screen that shows the location of work vehicles- including his. Now, I consider myself to be of high intelligence. I’ve ended it with him before. This time was mostly because I was house sitting for him and she came around and we spent 8hrs talking. That experience was enough for me to realize I deserve better. I love this man-the same as I loved my ex actually. And I know I will heal again. I hate what has happened and I’m trying to forgive again. I hoped this was the one but it wasn’t. Actually, truth be told, I expected him the be the one because of the way things panned out in the beginning.
    My point is this- I don’t regret risking my heart again. And I will do it again.
    I hate the hurt but mostly I hate what I have done to myself for the sake of being held, caressed and loved by someone else.
    Second best will never be an option again.

  23. I’m at the office and I can’t even think straight. I was with my ex for 7 years. In the beginning it was amazing. We had our ups and downs. But then it started to progressively go downhill the past two years. I always felt like I put more into the relationship and that I loved him more. He was selfish and insensitive, but I was impatient and demanding. So we had our issues. We took a break last summer and then we had been on and off all past winter. Then two months ago he told me he met someone. But wasn’t sure where his head was. I tried to hang onto him. We talked on and off. I was patient and gave him space. When I asked him if he was dating this girl he said I wouldn’t call it dating. Well, I found out that she has been to his house and they are at events together. So I told him that was it. That I couldn’t do it anymore. That there is no reason to talk. He said he was sorry. There was some bitterness and things said that were hurtful. I last txted today and said that in time we should talk because I don’t want us to get bitter. That we had long history together. I know he will txt me at some point. But this is all so overwhelming for me. I’ve lost so much weight and miss him terribly. My heart wants him back but my head is confused. I need to let him go and I’m really struggling. Going to see counselor tonight. Had to buy sleep aid. Need to get strong and move on and NO CONTACT.

  24. I recently broke up with my girl friend of 2 years..she was the first girl I loved since my 16 year marriage ended and this break up hurts worse then when my marriage ended..my heart and stomach feels so empty,I gave this everything I had heart and soul the relationship was rocky she had the need to talk to a bunch of guys all the time and her friends seemed more important then her relationship..she has 2 little girls from before that just fell in love with me,her family thinks I was the best person to walk into her life..I moved away from her to proceed on a golden job opertunity and told her I would be back in 2 weeks to get her..well I wasn’t gone 3 days and she had found someone and was seeing them..and it just so happens she did this on my birthday..I’m so crushed and want this feeling to go away

  25. First, I have to say that Amelie has put together a site that has been needed for a long time. My heart goes out to all of you who are going through break-ups. I’ve gone through my share: Each time it happens, I swear that I cannot bear the pain. As Amelie says, it takes over your life. I can relate to crying on the bathroom floor at work. I, too, was a high-level executive with everything going for myself. I was forced into retirement, and in short order, my husband of 15 years, who had not worked much during our marriage, became distant and borderline crazy. He filed for divorce and has now sued me for spousal support. I had the opportunity to get away for awhile and fell for a man who is 12 years younger than me. I fell hard!!! Then I started to realize that he was the fantasy that I ran to, to escape the horrible reality of my divorce. I clearly saw that he was immature and unrealistic about the world. He had no job, drank too much and had no purpose really. I, however, have had a good career and am not without resources, despite my soon-to-be-ex-husband. More importantly, I realized that I had to figure out who I was without being in a relationship in which I was so besotted that I tried to change myself to please him, which is my pattern.

    So I broke it off. He was angry and called me every insulting name in the book … which was a clear indication that I was doing the right thing. He told me he never wanted to hear from me or see me again. Now he’s begging me to see him one last time so he can look me in the eye while I try to explain again, why I needed time and space to heal. He is convinced that the real reason I broke up with him is that I am a s**t who wanted to have sex with other men. It’s pretty obvious that he never respected me the way I deserve to be respected.

    Despite everything, I still miss him and yes, love him. My heart is broken and I feel empty, alone and like life is not worth living. I know that if I did go back to him it would not work and that I would just be taken advantage of, again. He was my fantasy, but the reality is not pretty or hopeful.

    So here I am trying to act “as if” I am happy, successful and have it together. I volunteer a great deal, stay busy and try to keep up with my friends. But right now, I’m crying my eyes out, my chest feels like my heart’s been ripped out and I’m a mess. Yes, I feel EMPTY. I know it will pass, but right now I am in pain.

  26. Three days ago my boyfriend left me. I went over to his place like usual after work and he wouldn’t look at me. All he said was “I don’t think I want you anymore”. It was a shock, I had been so happy for the last 7 months. The worst part is I don’t hate him, I just miss him. I haven’t slept or eaten since I lost him. All I can think about is how it felt to be with him, the way he smells, waking up to him curled around me. He was my first love. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong or that I’m not good enough. He never wanted something serious. Its hard because I can understand why he did it. We never had time between fulltime jobs and college. I just wish I was enough for him to sacrifice his little bit of free time. Thank you for this site. It has helped me 100 times more than everything my friends have said.

  27. I just broke up with my boyfriend after being together for a year and a half. We took things pretty fast. We fell in love quickly, moved in with eachother and spent all our time together. After sometime, I realized it wasnt healthy. We had our problems. Trust was a big one as well as him not allowing me to spend time with my friends. I had decided to leave for a couple of days and stay at my sisters to figure things out. That same day I found out he had slept with someone in our apartment just hours after i had left. I was furious. I spent three full days not being able to eat or sleep. The thought of it took over everything inside me that I couldnt think of anything else. But then i went from being angry to being sad. I went running back to him scared that I had lost him forever. He says he wants to work things out and that he wants to be with me but it feels different. I can sense a hesitation. And that hesitation frm his end only makes me feel that much more unwanted. This article articulated perfectly the war that i have been facing between my heart and my mind. I finally decided to walk away. I know it hurts right now but the pain comes in waves. I am sometimes hit by hope and understanding that this is the best decision for me while at other times i can’t feel anything but the pain of loving him so much. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. Reading other peoples stories has provided me with acomfort that my friends and family cannot at this moment, even though they try. I do believe that time heal everything. Sometimes it may take longer for some than others. We just need to make new memories and meet new people to have today memories become more vague and distant. There is an Orson Welles quote that always helps me in some weird way. It is sad but at the sametime reasurring. “We are born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendships we create the illusion for that moment that we are not alone”. You spend your life with onther but what people forget is that you spend every moment with yourself. Your heart and your mind. We need to understand what will makes us feel happy and not rely on other to provide us that happiness. Thank you so much everyone for your stories. It makes me feel that much less alone.

  28. i am 20..
    and i was told.. i have fallen out of love with you..
    we never argued or had any.. problems i was with him for 1 year and a half..
    i just dont know what i did wrong.. and why he doesn’t love me anymore..
    it makes me sad.. thinking he said ive fallen out of love with …

  29. This website is really helping. My guy broke up with me last week when we had a small misunderstanding & he just deleted me everywhere in bbm,fb, etc…We spent 3 yrs together. The next day i thought everything will be alright but it became worst when he told me that his mom is looking a bride for him, i knew it will happen but not that fast. I respect his beliefs though, But i just cant help it, everywhere i go i cried everytime i always remember him. My mind is telling me enough but my heart is telling me go on & try to sort it out. Its really hard, i felt im not loved by anyone. 3 days back we met again after a week & he confess that his mom found someone already for him & refuses the girl, BUT it doesnt mean hell marry me he still wants me to find a guy who deserves me. Til now im struggling coz im deeply inlove with him 🙁

  30. Hi everyone,

    I am at office and just has a hard day at work. Feeling down and don’t know how to work things out.

    My husband n me share a 7 year relationship. Now things have really got out of hand. He lied about his financial status before getting married and after a years marriage when I was pregnant 7 months with our first child he informed me that he could not bring any salary home since all his salary was engulfed into loans. All the time when I asked for his pay he would always say later and make excuses. Even the rent and other stuff would be pending for payment. Huge amounts and I had to make the payments. Even after 7 years he is still in this position and hardly can help around the expenses. I have always been patient and understanding but now I can’t tolerate it. However though I think of splitting up I still find myself unable to do it and with our second child. I don’t know what to do?

    Most of the time it’s his mistake but he is putting on moods and wan’t me to be caring and do what ever he says. He has never been there for us. I don’t mean the money I mean there for us when we need him. I know in this case a divorce is the best thing, but my heart is not willing.

    What should I do.


  31. Hi everyone,

    I only found this site, because I was sat in my room staring at my computer thinking about him all the time and just wanted to get rid of the emptiness and the pain, so I googled: ‘How do you mend a broken heart?’ and here I am. It has given me so much warmth to see others talking of their experiences and to see what they are also going through. I have found it so hard trying to talk to my family and friends because they are so flippant about me getting over it all. In the last two months, I lost my job, my home, and then my man. He finally said that he didnt want marriage or children in the future after previously convincing me that he did, and now I feel so muddled and confused and directionless. I feel that he had been the centre of my life, and now I do not know what to do with it! I know I sounds ridiculous, but I wanted him to be my life…

  32. This website is a god-send! It makes me feel slightly better just knowing I am not alone and that there is hope etc…..me and my boyfriend split 3 months ago now and I keep thinking why oh why am I not better yet?! We were together for 3 years and he left me as he wanted to pursue his career, felt we were on different paths and wanted to be ‘footloose and fancy free’….I then found out about a week after we properly split (there was an initial month of “all I need is time and space etc, I still love you and always will”) that he was seeing someone else…talk about a second stab in the heart. We did have problems and I have to admit it wasn’t the happiest of relationships particularly the last 6 months but it still hurts like hell and the majority of days I can barely fake a smile. I am so impatient and am struggling to accept the situation and struggling to keep seeing the practical reality of the situation which was easier to do at first. Guess patience is a virtue and something that I’m gonna have to learn. I do occasionally have bright spells of hope but it soon clouds over. I didn’t realise heartache could ever feel this way….I have been through a mental breakdown and this is worse, but if we can get through this then we can get through anything 🙂 Hang in there everyone xx

  33. Wow…. this is just so hard to do even when you know it has to be done. I do feel better while visiting this website and doing the steps. But letting go is never easy and starting over is hard!

  34. Thank you for this website! It make me feels good even for a short while. As i read your advice I can think logically. Hoping it will continue to make me feel more better.

  35. My relationship ended 2 days ago. Its been 3 months short of 6 yrs. I feel like crap, like I gave all, and got half. Now that he got a promotion in his job, and things are a bit better for the future, he says he wants to be “by his self”. My heart aches, i cry 40% of the day, and I cant put a word to the feeling my heart feels. I know time heals, I know it and I beleive it, I just wish there was a pill to take until the time was up for the pain. I am trying not to be anxious bcse I know I’ll wake up every morning and get impatient about not healing. I know deep down in my heart I want us to be together, we have love for each other, but I think he is unwilling to reciprocate in the relationship and I am physically tired: but it still pains me.

    But I’m telling you guys, I know I will get through it. And trust me you will, cse we are not the first and we wont be the last to get hurt. It wont kill us.

  36. My fiance left me last monday. I had no idea it was coming. I was at work and she texted me and told me she packed her things and had left. she said i knew it was coming. she said she had been dropping hints for 9 weeks. But we had just gotten engaged 4 weeks ago.I thought everything had been fine. she said her hints were that she had been smiling less. I thought that it was because she was having a rough time adjusting to her new job and responsibilities. I am so blown away right now. It really hurts and i just feel as if ive been wading in the water barely keeping my head above it.She had an emotional affair with one of her ex girlfriends and told me i pushed her towards it. i dont want to pretend to be okay and im tired of crying randomly.I feel like im shattered into a million peices and most of them she took out the door with her. Some of my friends and family say that i will go through this alot because of the lifestyle i chose. But i dont understand. I just want to love and be loved in return.

  37. Hi Everyone,

    After 5 years – 2 weeks ago my boyfriend told me that he wanted to finish due to his new “career” although he was jobless for the last 5 years (time ive been with him) I carried him, through blood sweat and tears, gave him everything I possibly could have, fell out and in love with him, because i could never leave him in the situations he was in – bearing in mind i didnt see this at the time because i was blind!…. eventually after I dragged it out of him – he fell out of love with and loved someone new.. after 2 months and she’s 3 years younger than me… im 23.. hes 30!…. it absoutly killed me – i never saw my self with anyone else and first time ive properly loved someone. Ive sent him horrible messages – saw who she was and there messages they swapped – and ile give u all this piece of advice. Im normally a very tough cooki.. my mum and dad went through this after 22yrs. I tried to hate my ex as much as possible – thinking of all the bad things hes done to me and how i deserve much more – the nasty texts made me feel better for about half a day – and making me hate him – Tonight I just broke down in tears .. because I cant hate him and I do love him – I know that people fall out of love – Ive done it – Today I learnt to accept the situation and time i can start getting on with my own life! – I told him i still love him and I hope hes made the right choice because he threw me away which he’ll never find again- Ive split with him before for 1 month – and in that time I started to feel better – I will never get back with him because i would never able to trust him again – and neither will his new girlfriend – because a lepord never changes its spots – unless it wants something – To get over heart break is about acceptance and reality – look at the history between yourselfs- Ive joined the gym – its helped me a million percent – I dont want a realtionship at the moment because I need to heal and sort my own self out for when i do meet another person – I dont want to be comparing notes – and if they hurt me again – then they do – I think once youve been scorned – u learn not to give 100% of yourself – i know everyone on this page is hurting so bad, and trust me ive been through my fair share of mood swings and still am – but if someone is willing to treat you that bad – did they really love u? and do u really deserve that? – just think everytime u want to get back with them – do u really want to go back the same lies, pain and head fuck everytime?

    Hope this helps – this page certanlly made me realise im going through the same emotions as everyone else –

  38. So its four am and I am lying in the dark sobbing into my pillow wishing I had someone to talk to as this pain is unbearable right now. I came across this site and I guess reading other peoples stories has left me feeling less alone in grief if that makes sense?!. My heart feels like its breaking and this feeling of being lonely is making me want to be gone and out of my misery. We split 4 months ago after three and a half years together. I wish I could say we were blissfully happy and it was a shock when he ended it but the truth is it was a destructive relationship with no real future, but this said, I fee like my whole existance is pointless without him in my world. I dnt even want to face the day ahead most days. Ahead at the minute. I live in fear of seeing him with someone else. I dnt know how I will cope!!! God I wish the pain would go away, if only to let me sleep! I am tired of putting on this smile, my heart isn’t smiling!! I check my emails and old mobile constantly in hope of contact! I hear nothing! I live in hope that I can learn to live myself again. Ty for letting me share

  39. Last month, I went through a breakup with my boyfriend. I decided to talk to him about how much coke he has been doing lately.. and he didn’t like it one bit. Thought I was being clingy and too serious.. He decided to break up with me, so he can fulfill his life with as many drugs, women and as much partying as he wants to. Apparently he’s been having a lot of fun.. while everyday that goes by I still think about him, and how our relationship was before coke became apart of it.. He was actually a really nice, calm, funny guy who always knew how to cheer me up if i had a bad day, or who would be able to talk and listen to me when i needed it.. I miss him a lot.. but i feel like he could care less..

    and just a few days ago he asked to meet up, and of course i said yeah.. stupid me. We ended up getting together that evening, and afterwards i went home. He told me that I mean lots to him, but he just doesnt want to show it, and that he would like to see me in the future after he’s done all this “madness” he says..

    Ridiculous.. but at the same time my heart says to wait for him.. he’ll be better next time around and I’ll get to know him for real this time and not have to worry..
    then my head says to shut up, move on, and get your life together. I just wish things were easier and i didn’t feel bad everyday …

  40. I am recently going through a break up after about 3 years… It wasn’t a great relationship. We had our problems but the love was there. We split up two years ago this june but have stayed in contact and gone to see eachother (we live 2 hours apart) and everything has been just great. I have finally made the decision to just completely cut it off. He’s made no move to come here and I have a great job where I am and am unwilling to move there. Its alot harder to get over the love of your life when you string it out. If it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work. The reason Im posting this is because i wish i would have ran across something like this the first time we split up. It was physically painful to think about him and the good times we had. Time heals all wounds is they gayest thing i’ve ever had to listen to but honestly, this time around, it’s nothing like when we first split up. The best advice I can give, is be patient. Have faith because it DOES get better and never string it out. A clean cut is the easiest way to deal with the pain and move on. 🙂

  41. Hi Jay and Michelle, I’m actually experiencing the same situation as you both. My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks back while he was in Taiwan and it was devastating to hear that he doesn’t love you anymore. When he mention the word breakup, I feel like my world just collapse. I can’t feel loved anymore. I feel that a part of me is gone. Our relationship lasted a year, we planned for our future, how many kids we want, kids name and even house. He has been talking to many girls and having so much fun while I’m struggling with the break up. I feel that why is it so unfair that he’s enjoying while I’m feeling miserable. My heart tell me that if he were to come back, stay with him. But my mind tell me that it’s time to let go.. It’s contradicting. However it’s actually up to ourself to choose to be happy or sad. You’ve a choice. I hope that 3 of us will moved on in life and not get stuck to our past. Because I always believe there will be better guys out there who treasure and understand us. Every breakup, we will learn new things and it might take some time to move on. But it’s ok, as long as you tried and be happy. Eventually you will. 🙂

  42. I must say that since my break up 5 months ago, I have used the stories here as motivation to heal. I have since met someone else, but am taking it slow. I do want another relationship but am learning to look at the positives in life and not hang my life on having a relationship, with all the ups and downs that come with one. I know that eventually I will be ok. Either with this new person in my life or with someone else.

  43. Thank God I found this website.. I am now in the process of healing. Just call me Kitty. My boyfriend broke up with me few days ago because he admitted that hes seeing another girl. I told and begged him not to see that girl again but he just said NO!.. he told me that just find another man to marry me and ready to have kids with me.. And the worst word I heard from him is he is only willing to have kids but he didn’t want to spent the rest of my life with me. How shocking that revelation.. I cried and cried until my heart burn.. and now, I realize that hes not the right guy for me he only uses me. I dont want to be miserable again that’s why Im finding a way to heal this broken heart of mine. The only thing I learned from this relationship is everybody is experiences pain but its up to you how can u handle that situation. You only choose between the two .. To be happy or sad..

  44. I am 23 years old. And Im scared that this relationship will ruin me for all future relationships (if there even are any, pfft) I have an awful story of break up. It has been 7 weeks and I feel like it was 2 minutes ago. I was dumped in a text after being with someone I was crazy for. He had so many flaws but I wanted to be there for him, change him for the better, make him realize he’s got it good with me, he’s found a great girl-etc. Instead one day..BAM.. i’m dumped. He ignored all of my texts..and we are no more. All on his terms, I didn’t get the chance to say anything, as he took the gutless way out and ran off…it was hardly even a break up for goodness sake. How can I trust anyone now? When im finally happy with someone….I will always be suspicious that i will be dumped in a text again?
    All I can say is:
    Everyone on this page is amazing. Be strong. You are you, don’t you ever forget that. They did not take a piece of you when they left you. They simply were ‘shared’ in your love, and they used all they could of that love. They tried, and for a while, you were both equally happy at one time at least.

    Someone, somewhere will be thankful to your ex for letting you go. Remember, CONFIDENCE IS BEAUTY.

  45. Male 22 years old. It seems that I’ll never learn cause I ended up again broken hearted and devastated, and a day after breaking up she’s already going out with a bunch of different guys. Never saw that coming .

  46. Hi Michelle, I went through the same thing as well. The relationship lasted 5 years. There were problems and i wanted to discuss, resolve and move on from them, but he just refused to talk. He made up his mind that he no longer loved me and moved on pretty quickly after that. I bumped into him a few weeks later. He seemed to be having so much fun while i am still struggling to get by each day. I cry all the time as well and try to convince myself that i will find someone else. The point is, i would still take him back even though he has treated me this way. I still love him and keep hoping he will come back. I have had chances to date a few other people but i still prefer him. The heart is very tricky i have to say. I hope we both get through this and feel like our usual selves again. Hang in there Michelle. I am sure we will both get through this and be happy regardless of wether we are with someone or alone.

  47. I am 22 and just getting back from a deployment over seas. My fiancee has just told me she was tired of fighting and everything like that while I was gone. She always truned the fights around on me and made me feel like a horrible fiance even though I always tried to bend over backwards to make her happy. I would always tell her how much I loved her and asked how her day was going and eveything like that, but she would never ask me how I was doing or if I was ok or anything.. I was def the giver and now she’s wanting to break up when I’m 4 days away from coming home for good and seeing her. My heart is breaking right now this is the first real heart break I’ve ever had and its killing me inside. This post has helped a lot. Thank you..

  48. My longterm boyfriend broke up with me last weekend and i just feel lost. He’s the love of my life and i thought we’d be together forever, get married and have kids etc. We’d spoken about the future quite a few times and planned to move in together once we were both out of the military. A few weeks ago i decided we needed to seriously talk about our future, i felt ready for the next step in our relationship and with us only having a short amount of time left in the military i felt it was the right time to seriously discuss settling down. I knew straight away that something was wrong during the somewhat onesided discussion as he was very quiet and withdrawn. Slowly but surely over the next couple of weeks he was saying “i love you” less and less, i was having to say it first everytime, and i was hearing from him less everyday. Last Saturday came the killer blow, he rang and said he never wants marriage or kids and didn’t feel like he loved me anymore. Not once in the seven years he has been in my life has he said he never wants marriage or kids so i was a bit blindsighted to say the least. I still love him with all my heart and would take him back even though i know it’s not right if we don’t want the same things. Everyday is such a struggle, i’m trying not to cry at work or in front of people all the time but it’s just so hard feeling so alone and empty.

  49. Thank God I found this website.. I am now in the process of healing. Just call me kitty I am 33 years old.. My boyfriend broke up with me few days ago because he admitted that hes seeing another girl. I told and begged him not to see that girl again but he just said NO!.. he told me that just find another man to marry me and ready to have kids with me.. And the worst word I heard from him is he is only willing to have kids but he didn’t want to spent the rest of my life with me. How shocking that revelation.. I cried and cried until my heart burn.. and now, I realize that hes not the right guy for me he only uses me. I dont want to be miserable again that’s why Im finding a way to heal this broken heart of mine. The only thing I learned from this relationship is everybody is experiences pain but its up to you how can u handle that situation. You only choose between the two .. To be happy or sad..

  50. I recently broke up with my girlfriend when I found out I’m not the only she was seeing or
    planning to see. This is my first ever heart break ever. When I read your article it was the first time I cried after the break up as I can really relate to what is being said. I really needed that thank you.

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