When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

You are sitting with your cell phone staring at a text message you wrote to your ex hours ago. You debate whether to send it or not. You stare at your phone while your mind tells you to have more respect for yourself. You logically understand that sending the message is not going to make the situation any better – nor will it heal your pain. Then your heart enters the scene and overpowers your mind. Your heart says, “Go ahead, send it, you will feel better…temporarily at least.”

The scenario above represents one example of a misalignment between your heart and your mind that is a common occurrence after a break up. Every decision you make is determined by a combination of your logic and emotion. If these different elements that make you who you are happen to conflict, you will understandably feel conflicted and make decisions that reflect this turmoil.

The concept of alignment will help you understand why you may have been in a relationship that was not good enough for you. It will also help you understand how to use your logic to help heal your broken heart. Let’s look at some more examples of what happens when your heart and mind disagree with one another.

Scenario 1 – During the Relationship

Your mind says, “I deserve more – this relationship is not right.”
Your heart says, “Stay, it will work out.”

If you were in a relationship where it was obvious that you were not receiving the love, respect, and engagement that you deserve, then your mind was probably nudging you during the relationship and asking you, “Why are we still here?” You remained in that relationship for longer than you should have because your heart believed that your mate and relationship could change.

Your heart believed that it was better to be in a relationship that was mediocre than to be alone. Your heart was saying to you, “Hey, give it a chance, it’s not that bad.” Your mind and heart were not aligned and this probably led to fighting, to an internal struggle, and eventually the break up. Often when we want more from a relationship than we are getting, we continually try to get ‘more’ by attempting to change the person we are with or by forcing other changes in the relationship. This is generally a destructive path.

Scenario 2 – During the Relationship

Your heart says, “This relationship is everything I need.”
Your mind says, “There are red flags here that I shouldn’t ignore.”

When one partner in a relationship is not happy, they usually provide indications either verbally, in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, or via non-verbal actions of their discontent. If you are the other partner that is madly in love, you do actually receive the red flags as signals in your mind. Unfortunately, your heart overpowers your logic in this case. Your heart speaks so loudly about how in love you are and how perfect everything is, that you drown out the messages your mind has received.

Eventually, after the break up, it is easier to see the red flags were present in your relationship. You also may realize that some of the reason you were deeply attached to your ex was because you loved the idea of being in love. If you relate to this scenario, remember, you deserve a love with equal give and take. Reciprocity is essential to the success of a relationship and you should never have to convince someone to love you as much as you love them.

Scenario 3 – After the Break Up

Your mind says, “I am going to be okay. In fact, before long, I’m going to feel like myself.”
Your heart says, “The pain is excruciating, I don’t think I will ever feel at peace again.”

After your break up, if you sit quietly and listen to your inner voice, you will hear hope inside. This hope is telling you that you will feel better, that you will live life once again with passion, and that you will experience love once again. The information you are being sent from your mind  is based on your history and the fact that you have overcome obstacles in the past. Your mind remembers the times where you have faced adversity and have come out on the other side stronger and brighter. Your heart is speaking out of fear; listen to your mind – it has a strong basis for giving you hope.

Listen to words from friends, family, and counselors even if they do not feel like they are helping to heal your broken heart. Every single word helps. Listen to every word someone with experience has to tell you. Up until now, we haven’t discussed the subconscious mind. Positive messages to your subconscious mind can overpower negative ones from your heart. Everything you are reading and listening to about healing is entering your subconscious and will help you heal faster.

Above I have discussed the logical mind being overpowered by a somewhat illogical heart. Please note, the situation can certainly occur in reverse. Your heart may experience genuine love yet have seeds of doubt planted by an insecure mind. In either situation, if you are looking to heal your heartache from your current break up, please know it is possible.

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Hi there, thanks for writing in. I’m out of the office today, but wanted to let you know I received your email and will get back to you by tomorrow.

Love & Light,

Amelie Chance
Certified Coach of Positive Psychology
Heal My Broken Heart


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469 thoughts on “When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

  1. I’m currently in a situation of my mind and heart not telling me the same things. I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. We had it all for the first three and a half then things just started going down hill. He is sweet and does do a lot for me to this day but he also puts me down. He makes me feel like I’m worthless. All of 2017 I was depressed. I stayed in bed, lost my job due to calling in because I couldn’t get up and dressed. In November of 2017 I started getting a little better. Could actually get out and decided to give it another try because he said he would change. Well here we are and he is back to putting me down constantly. Our friends constantly ask why I am with him and tell me they are sorry for the things he says and does. I love him to death but I just don’t know what to do. Most nights I cry myself to sleep. Do I stay and hope things go back to how they used to be like my heart says or do I start 2018 on my own like my mind says. I don’t know life without him and I’m just stuck.

    • Oh! My god I thought I was alone around here! Thank god!! I am feeling just like you. I am having the worst beginning of year ever. But you know the worst that can happen that we have to say goodbye and start hurting. But we are already hurting. This program works!! I am getting the hand of it. We are so many I don’t understand why this place is not full of people talking it will make the process soooo much easier and less lonely. Just try you are on the right track!! I hope you came back to read this!! We can do it you’ll see.

    • If he loves you why he’s acting like this ? You should talk things with him but nicely . Honestly anyone would tell you to leave him but I know this is so hard and you’re ganna blame yourself and you will keep wondering” what if”. So my advice to you is go and talk to him . If you can’t talk guys then this is really not a healthy relationship for you and whether you stayed with him or not , don’t do my mistake , love him death that’s fine but don t ignore your job, friends, family even your hobbies . Don’t make your life all about him cuz if he’s gone , you will have nothing .

  2. To anyone reading this always follow your heart because your heart tells you the right way…. Never go near someone when you no fully well there not right for you from the start because you’ll save yourself from a broken heart look 2 don’t look for love let it come naturally because there feelings will be mutual and it’s fate I’m not gonna waste my time on dating sites and random guys who want todate from Facebook…. I feel in love once when I was 16 I was with him 9 years he went off with my brothers girlfriend since then 6 years ago I decided to date pointless relationships I hurt them I got hurt so now iv Decided for love to come like lighting and if it don’t then it don’t but at least I don’t have to make any mistakes again

  3. I have been torn for years. I know in my head what is the right thing to do, but how do you stop your heart, from stopping you from doing the right thing?

  4. It’s been 3 weeks since my ex decided to break-up with me because of my depression and negativity. We’ve been together for 7 years and 6 months. After reading this blog/article, I began to realize that it’s programmed into our heart to alleviate the pain by giving us hope that this person is going to come back. I remember a week ago where I was debating myself whether to send the e-mail or not. I opted to send it because my heart was pushing me to do so. I did feel temporary relief after I sent it. But the aftermath is terrible! Please, if someone broke-up with you, please, please, please be strong enough to resist the urge because it’s not worth it! You’ll find yourself checking your e-mail everyday if he/she replied. It’s horrible and I believe it aggravated the heartache more because your expectations weren’t met. 🙁

  5. I’m 16 and a sophomore in high school. I met my ex boyfriend, I should call him my ex cuz he dumped me. But anyway I first met him when I was in 8th grade and he was in 7th. We had an on and off relationship but we tried to make it work cuz we loved each other. We got back together after another breakup in July of this year. On Tuesday night he texted me telling me he was breaking up with me and he just wanted to be friends. And so I asked him why and he wouldn’t tell me a real reason why. My friend Autumn found out he broke up with me and asked him what happened and why he did it and he said it was because he has more priorities than to be focused on me and I’m guessing that means he doesn’t care about me anymore. It’s just a long complicated confusing story. So he broke up with me Tuesday night. Ever since then I’ve been in so much pain. Heartbroken, crying, locking myself up in my room whenever I possibly could, and I’m now finding myself to be very irritable with people. Most of the time it’s for no reason. Like very little things will piss me off. My friends have told me to try focusing on other things besides him but I don’t think I can cuz I still love him. And I feel stupid, dumb, and guilty for it. I really don’t know what to do right now. He really hurt my heart and I don’t know why in the heck I still love him.

    • Oh my goodness same thing happened with me and my ex I’m a freshmen in highschool me and him met when I wa sin 8th grade and he was in 7th we were on and off and he just dumped me for no reason what so ever I swear I cared about him so much but he like broke me and to this day I’m still hurt by it , but I don’t feel as much pain as I used to but ever now and then the feeling will take back over me . He knew what he was doing all along and I’m dumb enough to go back to him time after time . I allowed this to happen to myself . But keep your head up . Things will get better

  6. Hi,
    I am 24 and never believed in love, but don’t know how fell in love last yr…things were going good, both of us informed our family and there were no issues from their side. But the real drama came when he started loosing interest in me and our meeting and time of talking together started reducing. In the starting it was like okay, there shd be some freedom also friends also but now after break up am thinking that was our biggest mistake. Now what all i can see in his eyes is anger when am talking with other guys and carefree attitude towards me which always left me crying secretly every now and then. If you are still in love then please make a note talking and sharing your emotions everyday is a must for happy relationship.

    • Hi khushboo ,

      don’t worry about these type of persons and try to live happily ,i can understand your pain because i’m also suffering from same conditions.
      just think that if he can live so why you can’t ??

  7. Heart brake syndrome is a real medical term used by professional medical practitioners. I have read some serious responses to this topic in many forms and although you may not realize you’re writing about having broken heart syndrome & I apologize to those of you whom feel I might be a bit obtuse in my writing suggesting this here but to all of you, God bless your loving hearts. Think of those, along the road in your life who did/do love you. Think about how happy they made/make you, how happy they leave/left you feeling, how happy you leave/left them feeling. Sometimes, lovers were just not meant to be together for one reason or another. We all have many pages in our book of life, some of us are in the 20th chapter, on page 65,839, others in the 120th chapter, on page 2 million something and may have even read a couple chapters from others books as well. Just because we see all the wrong, unjust, unequaled, un-loving doings of another, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us. Nor does it mean there’s anything wrong with them. Being immature, unjust and un-loving is just another part of being a human being. We are all animals, some of us can see this fact, while others hide from it in our distorted psychological viewpoints. It doesn’t matter if your whole relationship, you where nagging, jealous, stalking them , yelling, cuddling, kissing, hugging or even being lazy and doing nothing; as long as you loved the person you where with, that’s all that counts. That is, all that counts towards having broken heart syndrome, once its over. Now on the other hand, if you want a clear mind, take some college courses. That will require you to spend your hard earned money, in turn focusing your attention on other things, other then your heart. Unfortunately, I haven’t registered yet and my health is deteriorating as a direct cause of broken heart syndrome. I know this because every time I get dumped, I go through it. I guess I’m getting paid back for all the stupid things I do in life.

    Enough about my sorry rear end. Don’t drown in your sorrows like I have; it’s not worth it. If anything, it makes you even more unattractive, drying out your tear ducts, increasing the frown wrinkles in your face, cracking your voice from crying too loud and some of us even bang our heads against walls, leaving bruises on our foreheads, punching walls, leaving scars on our hands. At first, while we are delusional ( or still in love), we may consider these things cool, but, after years of aging, we come to realize how far from cool these things are. No, I never banged my head against a brick wall over love but as a child, seeing friends doing it, I thought was a cool thing and now realize how delusional we all can be.

    Good luck & God bless your roads!!!

  8. Thank you for this wonderful mind vs heart explanation. I’m currently struggling through a really bad heartbreak. I was with this guy for a total of 1 year 8 months. And if I’m really honest with myself, I’d say we “honestly” dated for 9 months of the that year and 8 months. When this guy approached me, I remember laughing to myself thinking, this guy really thinks I’d date him, he was far from being my type and I kept brushing him off. He had told me that he has a child and the mother of his child is in his life because he’s trying to keep his child close to him. But he assured me that he wasn’t married. 2 months down the line from him constantly never giving up on trying to get me to be with him, I eventually gave in. Needless to say, I totally and completely fell in love with the guy. He was everything I needed, said all the right things, did all the right things. He was there. 6 months into it, my mind started asking questions, like why does it feel like this guy avoids your calls at certain times, or why is it that he wont introduce you to any member of his family, or why does he seem nervous every time I mention him meeting my family. With these questions, I started asking HIM the questions. Every time I did, he’d turn around and tell me I’m crazy and overreacting to things that aren’t there. And of course, my heart over took my mind and fell for that. But since then, we started fighting on a constant. I saw him less. Spoke to him less. The little things that he used to do that made me fall in love with him eventually stopped. I’d break up with him and a week later he’d call me and ask if I’ve calmed down. All the time, it was my fault, he was never in the wrong. And every time he’d come back to win me over, my heart would say “you know what Thembi, you over reacted and he loves you, take him back because he makes you happy”. This back and forth with my mind and heart and between him and I carried on until a week ago. After not speaking for a while, he messaged me to ask if I missed him as much as he did, and of course, being the smitten woman that I am over him, I was honest and told him I missed him a lot. Then he started talking about how our relationship would be so wonderful if I just showed respect for the fact that he has children, NOTE how now it’s CHILDREN, but when we started it was a CHILD. Anyway, I fell for it again and started to feel happy that I have him back in my life. I kid you not, 3 or 4 hours later, I messaged him and asked him if he still loved me. He didn’t respond. So I sent a message back saying “yes, or no?” he responded “no”. Confused as hell, I picked up the phone and called him. That was call that would break me to complete pieces. Over the phone call, I asked him what he meant. Do you love me or not, I asked. His response was, “you know what, you and I are over, I cant do this with you. you clearly don’t understand the concept of love, but when you do one day, you must call me.” At that point I’m confused beyond confusion. So I say “then that means I’ll never call you back because I DO know what love is” and I hung up. He proceeded to send me a message wishing me well and all the best and said “bye”. Just like that all the love I had for this man was thrown right back in my face. When I responded to say to him ‘you’re killing me’ he said ‘well, kill yourself if you want, I don’t care’. The humiliation. The pain. The hurt. The confusion. The ‘what just happened’ took over all that am. This man clearly had/has a wife. She was never just the mother of his child. He played me all along. Dragged me along to no where. All those promises of us being together till the day we die. All those “I love you’s” that he gave me where ALL a lie! I don’t know how another human being can mess with someone’s heart so much and so badly and still sleep at night. I’m so broken and hurt and worse of all I feel SO humiliated. The person I loved NEVER EVER loved me. And when he said it to me, HE NEVER MEANT IT. I honestly don’t know how I’ll ever get over this. I can only pray to God for healing and forgiveness in my heart. This man crushed me. I’m 33 years old, and this is my first ever heartbreak. I don’t wish this upon my worst enemy. My mind tried to warn me and get me out of it, but this is where my heart took me.

  9. I’m so heart broken, even now. I’m sitting here, alone and crying with anxiety while my boyfriend is doing his own thing. I don’t even think he’s as upset as I am. We both agreed to give each other a week, but all my mind and heart and even stomach are doing are telling me to leave. I’ve been unhappy with my boyfriend for quite some time. He’s done things and said things that make me feel so stupid and belittled, no matter how good I have been to him. I care so much and love him so much but he doesn’t appreciate it like he used to in the beginning. I thought we would take things slow but it didn’t happen. Everything was so great, but red flags were popping up. For instance, he kept talking to the girls he dated and would pass it off as just being friends, and ending things on a good note with them. I stopped talking to my guy friends, exes and guys I dated out of respect for him and myself but he couldn’t do the same. I would fight him over that. It hurt a lot. I know I get jealous but its not right to date someone new, but still flirt with exes or strangers or even coworkers two weeks before my birthday. We kept trying to make this work. I stuck around, making up excuses for him but nothing ever got fixed. I was always blamed for everything no matter what, even if it was a joke. He kept putting me down, insulting me, my family and my lifestyle. He insulted what I enjoyed, and made me not want to touch it ever again. I don’t even like some clothes I wore around him because he told me it made me look fat or pregnant.. it hurt. I’m so close to leaving him. I’m giving us this week, not talking or anything. But I want to go back over to his place and grab my things and walk away fro the last time. It is possible to leave an abusive relationship. It hurts like hell and its going to hurt because I still love that stupid man, but you have to listen to yourself too.

  10. I don’t know where to start… I am 48 and live with my brother,dad,girlfriend and her 3 kids. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and she comes to me on Feb 2 . Tells me that she wants me to start seeing other people and having different relationship.. seems my brother told her over Christmas that he was in love with her and she wanted to explore and see if he is what she wanted but she don’t want me to move out.. I can’t now.. my dad has cancer and iam the only child able to take care of him.so before she told me all this..I quit my job thinking..OK I will take care of daddy and have more time with her…then she tells me this .. and 2weeks later my brother and her are a couple and I am living in the house having to watch them together on a daily thing….someone please help

    • Carla, I’m so sorry for your situation. That is seriously messed up. Straight to the point; your girlfriend or your brother do not respect you or themselves. You MUST put space between yourself and these destructive people. Move out, make sure you’re not there when they are – what ever you have to do, do not give them the time of day. And never speak to them again.

  11. I’ve recently found your site after my first love decided to cheat on me, father a child, lie, disrespect and hurt me for the second time in my life. The first time was when I was 24 years old when he told me over the phone that our relationship wasn’t going to work. This was during the same time that my father fell ill and I didn’t have the coping skills to deal with the two most important men in my life not being there. I internalized all of my feelings and did things to hurt myself in the process. I made bad decisions and promised to get better by seeking therapy. Over time, I met someone new, got engaged and was on the path I had hoped to be on. Unfortunately as much as I loved this person, he had physical intimacy issues that plagued us for 6+ years of our 8 year relationship. During this time, I encouraged, asked him to seek therapy and stayed celibate until he was ready. The toll that this took on my self esteem wasn’t felt until I left the relationship 8 months before I was to get married. During the time I decided to leave, I reconnected with my first love again 11 years later and all the feelings came back as I’ve never forgotten about him or stopped loving him. It was during this time that he told me about him cheating and fathering a child but didn’t have the courage to tell me so he just disappeared after 3 years of dating. Over the years I had to learn to forgive him because I learned in therapy that it was holding me back and essentially I wanted to because we were both very young. We continued to correspond and that’s when I learned that he married the mother of his child but was going through a divorce. I was told she isn’t legal in the US and won’t sign divorce papers until she gets her citizenship. I was also told that his daughter was still scarred from their break-up and didn’t want a new “mother”. I believe all of this and his apology to me for what happened when we were younger. Months later, we started a romantic relationship and I finally felt that I was where I belonged. My heart and soul felt that they were back where they were the happiest. He found me desirable, sexy, beautiful and was vocal about his love and feelings for me for the last two years. I thought we were moving in the right direction but taking it slowly. I was never easy about him still being married on paper and was very vocal about it. Last week, he asks to come by as he needed to talk to me. I knew something was wrong but wasn’t prepared for what was to come. He told me that after he separated from his wife, he started to see another woman on and off for 10 years. They reconnected and he’s been seeing both of us at the same time. He also found out that day, that he has a 10 year old son. Finally, he said that didn’t love me and that our time together had “ran its course” when we were younger and that we were never meant to be together. He then proceeds to tell me that he still loves this other woman and wants to be in both her and their son’s life. It felt as if three semi-trucks hit me back to back. I started having a panic attack and could not breathe. I don’t remember much of what I said but I asked him to leave my home and never call/contact me. The icing on the cake was when he asked me to tell her if she called that we weren’t together. To lie to someone I didn’t even know to save him. I said no. Today, I’m still numb. I feel like I’m in a dream and that I’ll eventually wake up. I rotate from anger, hurt, frustration, love, disappointment, fear, and can’t sleep or eat. Please, no judgements. We all have our own story…this was mine.

  12. I fell in love with a friend of a family member. She ticked off every box for me. Her personality was incredible, she really had a heart of gold. She was a little on the fluffy side but that didnt mean a thing to me, she was beautiful in my eyes. The only blip on her was that she had 2 young kids from a previous relationship that didnt end well, but i got to know the kids and it became less of a problem as time went by. I was in the army when i met her – we would speak everyday on the phone and whenever i was on leave i would always be at her place visiting. Over time i developed feelings for her but didnt have the courage to express it to her. This went on for roughly 4 months up until i was honourably discharged from the army. I eventually built up enough courage to tell her how i felt, and she felt the same way and love blossomed at that point. I was in love with her, i wanted to hold her, treat her good, look after her. 3 weeks have past and At this point i was job hunting too. I made a dozens of job applications but was getting no responses. Jobs in this country are hard to comeby unfortunately, but i wanted to be patient and wait because of her. However things still look bleak and many think its best i go abroad to continue studies and build a career. She has encouraged me to do so but i dont feel ready to give her up. Last night we went on our first date without the kids. But deep inside we both knew it was pointless. We are both hurting – i dont know what to do. Her coming with me isnt an option according to her because of the kids. Just like the article says my mind says one thing but my heart wants another. Im lost guys i really am.

  13. I was with my man going on 13 years he just up n walk away for another woman I can’t think straight can’t stop crying can’t eat don’t even want to get out of bed I been with him since I was 16 he is the only life I know that I want .. my heart or brain is stuck on giving up .. I wish I could turn them both off..

  14. I just went through this website trying to cope with what i’ve been dealing with with my boyfriend of almost two years. I have the whole “shabang” going for me, the meeting the family, the visiting, the dates, whatever else..
    However, lately i’ve felt all the mind & heart feelings written above. I’m about lost for words. I’ve been trying to put my foot down lately to my boyfriend that I’m just not his priority. He has other things to do on his mind (not going to go into that) he’s never cheated on me or anything, but I don’t see him as much as I used to. I end up crying every night over him ignoring me, just not talking to me, or whatever else.. I care way too much for him, and the only reason I stay is that I hope it will end up possible. “Once you choose hope, anything is possible.” ~ Christopher Reeve (it’s at the bottom of this page).. I really don’t want to go further into my story other than the fact that I tell all my girlfriends how they shouldn’t take any garbage from a guy, yet I take all of it with mine. I’ve had sex with him, been with him, I feel fully commited to him, always texting or trying to be with him.. He just doesn’t exactly feel the same. He didn’t break up with me or anything, but he’s not as coommited.. he doesnt care like I do you know? I put my foot down and I told him I wasn’t bothering him anymore, hoping he’d come back with an apology so we can finally be together like I wanted, but so far all thats happened is me tearing up to websites like this and staring at my phone. I never stop crying and I just want to be happy again.

  15. Im 34 yrs old I was with my boyfriend of 10 years. I’ve known him since high school. Though I dated long term before. He’s the first person I grown to love more and more with time. I was hoping to have kids and get married one day. He broke up with me for 3 months before saying he didn’t want to get married before 4 years ago. He begged for me back and said he did see us together and said he would do anything to make it up to me. A couple days after New Year’s he decided to break up again. Saying he didn’t feel the same anymore and still doesn’t want to get married. I said we just been distance because I’ve been working 3 jobs because he had asked me to move in with him. (I had been working full/over time for a month straight.) He recently reunited with old friends and started doing cocaine them. I found out through several of his texts. He hung out with them New Years and, during the break up also claimed, he doesn’t have fun with me anymore. I can’t help to think it’s about he newly reunited friends and my dislike of people who use cocaine (which he never used before during our relationship). As well as a vindictive girl who does things dispite me just because I dated her husband in junior high.(There was pics of her and him all over social media from New Years). We never fight and we made love alot. He said he’s been feeling this way for a while dispite the fact he ask me to move in with him months ago. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
    Confused, lost and hurt.

  16. Please help to get out from brokenheart am so worried and don’t know what to do. I was with a lady just about 5months ago, during the xmas, she changed her mind to be with me and now my heart is broken and soo depress.

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