Dear Amelie, How do I go Cold Turkey?

workingwithyourex

Dear Amelie, how do I go cold turkey when I work with my ex?

From co-worker to lover back to co-worker again–do you fit into this scenario? Creating deliberate distance from your ex is a key ingredient in the prescription for recovery. So what do you do when you still have to see them each day at work? You can employ some unique solutions to combat your unique challenges. Let’s first examine these challenges.

Challenges Unique To Working With An Ex:

Undercover Lovers. Romances that develop at the office are often not made public. For various reasons – company policy, unwritten rules, negative connotations, extramarital status – people keep office relationships under wraps. The issue with any clandestine romance is that the break up is also concealed. Not that you want to send out announcements about your broken heart, but keeping your relationship private denies you the support from friends and co-workers that help you through this difficult time.

Contact Overload. Office relationships often come with lots of emails, texts, ims, and hallway looks. You are in the presence of this person all day and are experiencing the effects of “in sight and in mind”. Going from constant correspondence to normal communication can be grueling.

That Little Something Extra. Regardless of your level of professionalism with one another, when you are dating in the office, you always get a little something extra in your exchanges. Whether it is a wink in the hallway, an email with a smiley, or a special lunch together, there are often veiled signs of affection. After the break up, the extras vanish and this can be difficult to bear.

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How To Curb Communication With Your Ex

Curbing your communication with your ex may be one of the most difficult transitions after a break up. If you share a home, workspace, or children, this can be an even greater challenge; however, it’s worth a try. A little space from your ex can provide tremendous benefits including a real kick start to your healing process. If you’ve had trouble going cold turkey or even reducing the amount of times you contact (or want to contact) your ex, this video can help.

Do you still communicate with your ex?

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Change Has Come a Knockin’ – Let Her In and Embrace Her

changeI was once told that if you are not on the right path in your life (job, marriage, etc.), the universe will tap you on the shoulder. This tap is received in the form of clues like your boss being difficult or fighting with your mate. If you ignore the tap on the shoulder, you will receive an even stronger nudge such as warnings about your job performance or a betrayal in the relationship. If you continue to ignore the messages, you’ll eventually get a kick in the gut.

Your heart being broken is a kick in the gut. It is painful and unwelcome, but the universe is telling you it has a different plan for you – another life experience for you to embrace. At this point, your instincts may tell you that you are not ready to read this article. I think you should. This post is about change.

I want to explain to you how to embrace the current change in your life. If you pick up any book, visit any site, or talk to any relationship expert about getting over break up, change is generally the last step offered, if at all. Stages like denial, anger, tears, blame, bargaining, and realization are addressed first. However, if you set your sight towards the change to come early in the process (now), you will open yourself up to the healing process.

Let’s begin with any indications that you had that your relationship was not working. For those of you who were taken by complete surprise or found the break up to be a shock

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Forget Positive Thinking…Try This Instead

“Changing the destructive things you say to yourself when you experience the setbacks that life deals all of us is the central skill of optimism.” Dr. Martin Seligman, former President of The American Psychological Association and the founding father of Positive Psychology.

I felt my heart ripped out of my chest and my world turned upside after the divorce. At the time, a close friend advised, “Positive thinking, Amelie – it’s what will get you through this.”

I nodded. While I loved her care and best intentions, I wanted to scream, “Are you kidding me?! Haven’t you ever lost love in your life? Don’t you understand your advice to think positively is an impossible mission?”

You may have friends and family that mean well, but give you the advice to embrace positive thinking. The problem is that our mind has a tendency to play a soundtrack of repeating negative thoughts after a break up. The recurring negativity may sound something like this:

“I’m going to be alone forever.”

“I must be doing something wrong – this keeps happening.”

“I’m never going to feel that way again.”

Sound familiar?

Canceling out these negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones is not an easy task; however, as your friends, family, and even inner self recognizes, the practice of positive thinking will help you take a tremendous step on the path towards healing.

So, how do you do it?

Forget positive thinking for a moment and focus instead on what I call positive speaking. The story you tell yourself and the world – the power of these words – has an incredible impact on your emotional state. So, change your story. Replace your negativity with positivity. Wait, isn’t this the same thing as positive thinking? No! Wait, am I asking you to say things you actually don’t believe? No! Let me give you an example.

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