Breaking Up is a No Contact Sport: 8 Ways To Help You Go Cold Turkey

idletimeAre you as sad as our pooch?

From 35 emails, 18 texts, 9 calls, 5 voicemails and daily visits to NOTHING? Is that what we’re asking you to do – cut off all contact with your ex? It’s actually not sad, because the thought of not seeing or speaking to your ex is so painful that it almost seems like a joke. Yet, no one is laughing. You know what else isn’t funny? Refreshing your email 100 times a day and checking every other man made mobile device waiting for a beacon of hope. It’s exhausting. Well, it’s time to make a change. You can stop contacting your ex and start healing. You can. You will. We will help.

First, let’s look at the problem. You can last a few days with no contact riding off some anger and the encouragement of friends, but then it happens. You are alone with your blackberry, watching tv and you see a commercial you both loved…

You stare at your phone and the most urgent reason to call him manifests: I still have his favorite socks. I wouldn’t want him going to the gym and run on the treadmill without socks. I think I heard on Good Morning America that running sockless is linked to a toe infection epidemic. Yes, that’s right, that’s what they said. This is definitely an emergency. I should definitely call him.

Others decide it’s time to will the phone to ring or vibe with a new text. Yes, I will stare at the phone and use my telepathic powers to make her contact me. Wait! Maybe there is something wrong with the phone. I should make an outgoing call to make sure. Oh, okay, it works. Wait! In the three seconds I was dialing, maybe she called and got thrown into voicemail and thought I ignored her call. Okay, I should definitely call her.

If you want to contact your ex, you will find a reason. Likewise, if they want to contact you, no reason in the world would keep it from happening. It is up to you to cut the contact. Does it make you feel better to get a message from your ex? Sure. Does it get you through the night to send a little text and hear something back? Perhaps. However, in the end, you don’t get what you want from them and the contact makes you feel worse. Your greater goal is to get over this heartache and contact is not moving you towards this goal. Every contact is just delaying the healing process.

Here are 8 Ways to Help you go Cold Turkey!

1.    Take Care of Business – Get a box and pack up keys, clothes, kids (ok, not the kids), but all other items he or she will want back. Ship them to your ex.

2.    Identify your Weak Points – When do you want to call or contact the person most? Think about it. Ready? Ok, write it down. Now be conscious of your weak points and when you hit one, use #3 to combat your temptation to make contact.

3.    Create an Arsenal of Distractions – Make a list of things that you can do instead of contacting your ex.  (i.e. Calling a friend, going outside, taking a shower etc.) Use these when something in #2 creeps up.

4.    Find your 3 Doosies – Write down your three biggest reasons for not contacting your ex. One might be because I always feel worse after I hang up the phone. Put them on post-its and stick them next to every electronic device you have.

5.    Quit Online Stalking – Make it stop. Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, Gchat etc. Develop new online habits.

6.    Fancy Not Meeting You Here – Don’t frequent the places you used to frequent together. This one is kind of a Duh! If you are intentionally going to places you think you will run into your ex, stick one of the post-its from #4 on your head.

7.    Back away from the Blackberry – Put the phone in another room at night. When you are out having a drink, hand the phone to your friends to reduce temptation. Vow to only check it 1-2x per day.

8.    At a Minimum, Try This – If this is too much to bear, we get it. This is the slower route, but it will eventually get you into the fast track. Try cutting out one form of communication per week. First calls, then emails, then texts, you get the picture.

Need more help healing from a broken heart? Start by taking our broken heart survey to find out what type of broken heart you have and steps to heal.

285 thoughts on “Breaking Up is a No Contact Sport: 8 Ways To Help You Go Cold Turkey”

  1. I met this reporter when he was ill in the hospital. They amputated his big toe he has diabetis. I stayed with him. We were in a relationship for nearly two years. He always tried to push me away. He never wanted to go out to eat, invited me here and there when he know i cant make it cause i have a 6 year old. He never wanted us to have sex but would call me in the middle of the night saying he wants to come over . He would go cold turkey on me for no reason. I argue with him daily for his lack of attention and not meeting my needs. I love him. Im stuck mentally to him. I always vow to leave and never look back and always does. Im going cold turkey on him now cause i deserve better am a damn good young woman and enough is enough

  2. I broke off all contact with my ex husband after a 20 years marriage. He cheated with a co worker and I filed for divorce and never talked to him again. That was 3 years ago. Best decision I ever made. It allowed me to heal, to return to a peaceful, happy life. It mights sound harsh, but I think that going no contact is the only solution after a break up. I never asked for this 3rd person to enter my marriage. My silence is my closure, my ending on my terms. It gives me power, control and sanity. I will never talk to him again in my life.

    • Thats harsh! I wish the man I was having an affair with’s wife did the same! Would be easier for us to have been together.

    • I love your spirit and strength that you had when ended your 20 yr relationship with your X husband and you truly inspired me now I am sure that I can do it go on with my life and give myself permission to end this toxic relationship I am currently in..

    • Hi Kaya50

      Just read your post and feel inspired by your strength. Straight up no contact and no second chances…amazing! No doubt you did the right thing… since I have been down the second chance route only to have my heart ripped out again.

      Anyway hopefully you still look at this post as I can see this was a year ago.

      I am on day 2 of no contact and determined to go all the way this time and wanted some advice. I am literally torn up right now and getting through the day like a zombie if I am honest. Work was simply unbearable and I just wanted to get the hell out of there and come home and cry, but I couldn’t so I went ‘zombie’ mode.

      I keep torturing myself about how he clearly didn’t love me and used me and tricked me quite frankly! Lied to me to get what he needed out of this. Then…how the hell he can be completely fine moving on?? Sorting out his out today and not giving a crap about me or mine!! He owes me a load of money and I have a daughter to feed and he has left me penniless ’til payday, and he tells his entire family that he is the victim here?? Oh anyway I could go on and on but I won’t bore you with the details.

      I just feel sooo bitter and hurt beyond belief. I loved this man and gave him everything but he destroyed me from the inside out. How the hell do I get past feeling this way? I am on the floor and can’t see past this evening, let alone the rest of my life. Did you feel that way at the start or did it just kill any feeling you had for him after that?

      How on earth did you move on, and be so strong about it all? I’m so glad you found a way back from it all…you have given me some hope at least.

      • It will get better, I promise! U have to hit rock bottom b4 it gets better! It’s normal to feel angry, hurt, betrayed and hopeless! But you got to take it day by day sweetie! There is no way around to ease the pain in the beginning of the break up! Sad to say, u will have to hurt like the rest of us, who suffered from a broken heart! Let go let God! Love yourself enough give yourself the respect you deserve sweetie. Forget this loser of an ex!

      • Hi Kaya50 – How are you doing? It has been a few months now for you. I am on day ONE. I texted mine to tell him I was sick and could not come over tonight. His answer was lackluster to say the least. He is also an alcoholic, and when he drinks, he comes lovey dovey. After dating him for a few months, I asked him to please make contact on days we do not see each other – JUST a hello text or have a nice day text, that is all. He freaked and got SUPER angry and refused to do it! I told him I give 99% to this, and am asking for 1%. He still refused. It hurt very much. I did not give an ultimatum or anything – just told him that I missed him and it would be great to hear from him. SO far I am doing okay, but like I said, it’s only day 1.

        Diana

  3. The quick version:

    We met online, got on like a house on fire. Met, dated for 2 weeks then decided we were together.

    He has 3 children in another country (I knew this going into the relationship).

    A few weeks into our relationship he went home to see them for a week and changed when he got back. He wasn’t messaging as much anymore and I could tell something was wrong.

    He told me his ex was making him feel guilty about being away from their children. Their relationship had been over for a while but after she had heard he was seeing someone else, she started making him feel guilty.

    He broke up with me saying he just wanted to be friends because he wasn’t sure and didn’t want to muck me around. It hurt.
    Well we kept messaging every day and caught up once a week. There was still the physical side of things going on as well.

    I’ve never met someone who I can be my whole self with and I know he feels the same way. He doesn’t want to get back with his ex but feels really guilty that he lives away from them, I know we both feel the same way about each other, but he’s torn and confused ‘messed up’ in his words.

    We are each others best friends.

    The fact that he couldn’t commit started eating at me and he’s had his mind overloaded by the guilt and need to be there for his kids and his feelings for me. Add to that his ex keeps messaging.

    I trust him completely, and don’t have anything negative to say about him. The ONLY thing keeping us apart is he feels we can’t be together because of the children.

    Because we tried being friends and that didn’t work because I still want more and he doesn’t know what he wants I decided we should go cold turkey on the contact front.

    Day 1 in and I am struggling really bad. I don’t have low self esteem from this, I just miss him terribly and have no idea what to do. I’ve enlisted a friend as a sponsor (much like AA) but when he is on my mind all day every day and everything makes me think of him and there were no negatives in our relationship what am I meant to do? We shared music, food, laughs and everything. HELP?!?!

  4. Ok so rationally I completely get that this is a no contact ‘sport’ … however I went from having the most attentive b/f to NOTHING!! Less than 48 hrs before he dumped me he was telling me how I’m the most important thing in his world and how he will be “very careful with me” emotionally / mentally / physically!!! I get that he is probably a narcissistic b-stard and doesn’t feel anything … but things catch me unawares … like my completely rational brain will go : “but what about ….” etc

    I’m just moving out of positive denial to now working at staying out of feeling like a dummy for not realising anything was up and going from having a relationship with mind blowing sex and constant contact to nothing, nada, zilch, zero, zicaleadies ….

    ouch!

    Funny things is that I did ask the universe to help me deal with this issue I feel I have with “indignation” and WOW – what a duzie!! I do feel so freaking indignant … like how DARE he treat me like that … but *shrug* he did / he has / he is.

    ouch!

    This is tough as a teenager – it is tougher at 50.

    Thanks for reading.

    • Hey Sally,I know how you feel.My girlfriend went from my world to nothing.we dated for 9 months and it was great.but later she started talking to other guys and she broke up with me.Thoses jerks made my ex girlfriend to break up with me,but she hasn’t dated them.we are long distance relationship.she asked me to “be friends ” and I ask her why she broke up with me,and she gives me lame reasons.Im still hurt and I love her to death.I asked her for a second chance,but she said “I don’t dated exes” which it hurt me.I don’t know why she did this to me.I understand you’re pain,and how you feel.

  5. I am 34 and have a 3 year old son to a previous relationship he has no contact with his father (fathers choice). I met mike 2.5 years ago when my son was one. At first our relationship was good he stayed every night for about 6 months, I got pregnant and he had finished with me when I told him I was pregnant he wanted to try again I had a miscarriage. Our relationship was up and down like most and sometimes I got so fed up one day I said I was leaving him we didn’t live together but I was at his and he begged me not to go he loved me needed me and would stop being so funny with me, I gave in and stayed our relationship was up an down really due to him moody tired, I was told if my friend she thought he had aspergers never wanted to commit sometimes he looked so sad. But did say he did want a future with me and loved me. I again discover I was pregnant he firstly said we woul get a house, within 12 hours he changed, he finished with me didn’t want anything to do with me wanted me to have a termination I am so gutted I love him so much and wanted to work it out. At first I was crying talking texting he would say the same he doesn’t want me my son or this baby. He wants to have fun see the world play the field. I haven’t spoke to him in 2 days I have no idea what I am going to do about this little baby inside of me. I have never felt so low in all my life. Please help

    • First, stop getting pregnant before you are married! It’s hard enough when the stage is set the right way but you are up against impossible odds in your case especially when he already bailed on you the first time you got pregnant. Time to buck up and face your situation. You are going to be the mother of two children who don’t have a father in their lives.

      Instead of focusing on the lost relationship, try to focus on the children as you are responsible for steering their lives. Try to enjoy them and watching them grow. Grow yourself as much as you can – either by going to school or by getting involved with a group of forward moving young people or single mothers who can offer support and socialization.

      I’m not sure why you chose to get pregnant under your circumstances but you did. It was your choice. Perhaps thinking about why you make such choices so that you can be more respectful of yourself, you are worth so much more than this. You deserve respect and love and a stable relationship. Please don’t settle for anything less in the future. Your life can turn around but you have to do some repair work now.

    • Hi Pamela…I just read your comment, and it is really sad the situation you got in. I know it was in 2014 you wrote this, but I really hope are doing well, happy and things are working much better for you. I haven’t been there where you are, i’m 29 single, no kids…and it’s so hard to meet decent, genuine, and down to earth guy…especially in crazy city as New York. But I met this guy, that I dated for about 7 months. He is surgeon, I have strong feeling toward him. But all of the sudden he does not contact me, does not pick my phone, does not respond my text. And I cried…saying to myself that I didn’t even earn an honest explanation from him. My point is, maybe it happens for a reason that life takes away these “bastards” from our lives. Because they don’t deserve to be in our lives and they don’t deserve to be in true relationship. Maybe what happened to you, the best thing came out of this relationship is your baby…and maybe it’s for the best that this man is not in your life.

      Please never feel so low about yourself, reading your post I think you are very brave person that you carrying your life by supporting your kids. You are truly amazing person and you deserve way better than ending up spending your life with asshole “asshole” like him!

      All the best to you and your kids

  6. My lessons were heart wrenching but all my fault. I fell head over heels in love with a man named Mike. We had met 14 years ago when I was younger, he was a little older and married. I knew immediately he was someone I could give my heart to. That fact never scared me as did any kind of commitment. What I feared was the pain that would befall me if I did let myself fall in love and the relationship didn’t work. His marriage was troubled long before meeting me and at the time we met he and his wife were separating. I feared being his rebound, being used. Despite what I felt for him, I let him go believing in fate and hoping that someday if we were in fact meant to have a story together that it would unfold in it’s time. Through the years that passed I never forgot him. I had put myself through nursing school, worked many hours and hardly dated, spending all of my twenties putting in 60 hour work weeks. At age 33 I was diagnosed with MS. My health is fine and the disease controlled well for now, thankfully, however that diagnosis made me look at life differently. I know I can live a long healthy life with this, it is not a death sentence, but I suddenly regretted not taking more chances in life, not putting my heart out there more even if it risked heartbreak. I looked him up and when we spoke it was as if no time had passed at all and every flood of emotion felt brand new. It didn’t take long for me to fall completely in love. The kind of love that changes you, makes you want to be a better person. There was no distance too far or trouble too great to keep us apart. In fact, it was almost effortless as if the road and opportunities happened just for us. Until he was back in my life, I was unaware of all I’d been missing. His love was like coming home. Peaceful. Blissful. He had always said he didn’t feel good enough for me but as heaven above is my witness, he was everything I ever wanted. I’ve never cared much for money, material things. The love I felt for him and the love I could feel he had for me, was my own dream come true. We parted ways for reasons that I won’t fully disclose, partly distance and a feeling of being taken for granted and one gap we just couldn’t bridge once broken, trust. In retrospect I wish I’d been more forgiving to little white lies but once he stated that he had been with someone else while we were together, it absolutely shattered my heart. I felt self concouise and unattractive. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to keep the love of my life from straying. Before that, I felt like something, someone precious to him. After that, I felt like just another woman to him. We stayed together for awhile as I still very much loved him. It could have worked. I was wiling to trust again if he could prove his trustworthiness. I had forgiven him. All I needed from him was that feeling of irreplaceable love again and we could’ve made it. I didn’t need money, time, material things. I just needed HIM. He would tell me over and over of his love for me but his actions spoke of something different. Of course the story ends by us parting or I wouldnt be writing on here. I can relate to everyone’s pain. When we parted we had stayed in contact via email sporadically. Eventually no contact. Nothing in this world hurts more than giving your heart to someone and having it handed back to you shattered. I spent just about a year crying at least daily, checking my phone multiple times a day. I grieved the loss of what we had like a death. One minute angry, the next in denial, the other, sad. I flooded him with a gazillion unanswered emails. My self esteem took
    a nosedive. But eventually it came… forgiveness. True forgiveness. In my heart I forgave him for the unraveling of what we had. I forgave him even for the unanswered email. And I also forgave myself cause I did certainly have a role in the demise of what we had, I will never deny that. I became an untrusting, nagging witch and I will always regret that. But one thing I will NEVER regret… is having taken the chance and giving him my heart, calling him, looking him up. I don’t regret a single moment in our story, just the ending. I’d rewrite it if I could. I will always love him. He’ll forever hold a place in my heart and be the love of my life. And, I’ll never lose hope that someday, maybe… just maybe. But in the meantime, life is for living, your lips are for smiling…and your heart is for giving love. Which I will continue to do.

  7. I met this great independent girl 12-13 yrs ago and she was the first girl I ever had feelings for. We used to talk all night long and just talking to her made my heart beat so fast. She was so mature and self-reliant and she was ready to get serious. I was young and immature and not even close to thinking about being serious. I liked spending time with her but wasn’t ready for anything even semi-serious. She just stopped talking to me all of a sudden and I sent her hundreds of messages every day for about 2 yrs. Every time I was about to let her go she would send me a message and it was as if she knew when I was about to forget about her.

    A few more years later my residual feelings for her were driving me crazy so I told her to tell me to never contact her again. I actually asked two different times but she never would. I feel like a chump carrying this torch for her. At the same time I think I’ll always love her deep down. We hardly talk but when we do deep down there’s still love. Now I am afraid doing her harm by still contacting her but she is a weakness of mine.

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