When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

You are sitting with your cell phone staring at a text message you wrote to your ex hours ago. You debate whether to send it or not. You stare at your phone while your mind tells you to have more respect for yourself. You logically understand that sending the message is not going to make the situation any better – nor will it heal your pain. Then your heart enters the scene and overpowers your mind. Your heart says, “Go ahead, send it, you will feel better…temporarily at least.”

The scenario above represents one example of a misalignment between your heart and your mind that is a common occurrence after a break up. Every decision you make is determined by a combination of your logic and emotion. If these different elements that make you who you are happen to conflict, you will understandably feel conflicted and make decisions that reflect this turmoil.

The concept of alignment will help you understand why you may have been in a relationship that was not good enough for you. It will also help you understand how to use your logic to help heal your broken heart. Let’s look at some more examples of what happens when your heart and mind disagree with one another.

Scenario 1 – During the Relationship

Your mind says, “I deserve more – this relationship is not right.”
Your heart says, “Stay, it will work out.”

If you were in a relationship where it was obvious that you were not receiving the love, respect, and engagement that you deserve, then your mind was probably nudging you during the relationship and asking you, “Why are we still here?” You remained in that relationship for longer than you should have because your heart believed that your mate and relationship could change.

Your heart believed that it was better to be in a relationship that was mediocre than to be alone. Your heart was saying to you, “Hey, give it a chance, it’s not that bad.” Your mind and heart were not aligned and this probably led to fighting, to an internal struggle, and eventually the break up. Often when we want more from a relationship than we are getting, we continually try to get ‘more’ by attempting to change the person we are with or by forcing other changes in the relationship. This is generally a destructive path.

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How To Curb Communication With Your Ex

Curbing your communication with your ex may be one of the most difficult transitions after a break up. If you share a home, workspace, or children, this can be an even greater challenge; however, it’s worth a try. A little space from your ex can provide tremendous benefits including a real kick start to your healing process. If you’ve had trouble going cold turkey or even reducing the amount of times you contact (or want to contact) your ex, this video can help.

Do you still communicate with your ex?

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Divorce Support: Labels Do Not Define Us

Check marital status here: You’re at the dentist’s office and you notice while filling out the new patient application that there is a question about marital status. It’s just a little box on some little form, whose purpose you cannot be certain about and whose presence you might resent.  Why do they want to know your marital status?  Why include “divorced?”  Wouldn’t “single” be good enough?

A check box does not define you. If you find yourself asking that question before checking that box (and wondering if being single is good enough), try to remember that it’s just a box – just a label.  It does not define who you are or how you are in the world at large.  Yes, single is good enough.  So are you.

The following are a few tips to help adjust your lens and increase your resilience during this time.

Changes. It may seem difficult to cope with all the changes that come with a divorce, even the mundane ones.  They seem to come at you, one after the other.  There was the literal change of address when I moved into my new place, then the change of address form at the post office, and then the change of address cards I mailed to my friends and family. While you’re mending your broken heart and working hard to start fresh, focus on these things as action items and don’t let them get you down.

Stigmas. Bristling at the idea of having to tell even everyone that you’re divorced may represent the strange stigma that divorce brings.  That stigma may stain even the relationships with those whom you are the closest to.   The trick is to remember that your perception doesn’t necessarily represent reality.  Do not judge your friends and family based on their initial reactions. Everybody needs time to adjust to change, and those who love you are no different.  It’s a tricky time for everybody, a tender time for all concerned—and a great time to remember that these people who may be walking on eggshells around you are just trying not to say the wrong thing and hurt you further. Let us not forget they can be our greatest pillars of strength.

Labels. When we marry, our identity becomes wrapped up in that new status and so, when we divorce, our identity feels wrapped up anew.  Suddenly, we don’t know who we are.  It’s natural that your break-up can cause your “make-up” to look unnatural for a while.  It will take time to see yourself more clearly, as being distinct from the status and undamaged because of the change.  Identity is not static, but we forget that as we get older.  The truth is that we’re always forming and re-forming the idea of who we are. Remember, you are not defined by a label. There are dimensions and depth to your person that could never be classified under one grouping, so do not let it get you down.

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