Working With Your Ex: When Going Cold Turkey is Not Possible

workingwithyourex

From co-worker to lover to co-worker – do you fit into this scenario? Creating deliberate distance from your ex is a key ingredient in the prescription for recovery. So what do you do when you still have to see them everyday at work? You utilize the unique solutions to combat the unique complications presented when working with an ex. In order to understand the techniques we offer, let’s first address the specific problems.

Problems Unique To Working With An Ex:

Undercover Lovers. Romances that develop at the office are often not made public. For various reasons – company policy, unwritten rules, negative connotations, extramarital status – people keep office relationships under wraps. The issue with any clandestine romance is that the break up is also concealed. Not that you want to send out announcements about your broken heart, but keeping your relationship private denies you the support from friends and co-workers that help you through this difficult time.

Contact Overload. Office relationships often come with lots of emails, texts, ims, and hallway looks. You are in the presence of this person all day and are experiencing the effects of “in sight and in mind”. Going from constant correspondence to normal communication can be grueling.

That Little Something Extra. Regardless of your level of professionalism with one another, when you are dating in the office, you always get a little something extra in your exchanges. Whether it is a wink in the hallway, an email with a smiley, or a special lunch together, there are often veiled signs of affection. After the break up, the extras vanish and this can be difficult to bear.

Mixed Signals. Sometimes the little something extras do not actually disappear as quickly as they should setting in motion a state of confusion. You may still get that special email, but there is no other sign of a reconciliation to come. Mixed signals will keep you in limbo. This neither gets you the relationship you seek with your ex, nor does it allow you to move forward.

TMI. One of the reasons that distance is required for the healing process is that having all the information about your ex such as their reaction to the break up or new dating prospects does not help your recovery. When you work with an ex, you just have too much information about all aspects of their post break-up life.

Give us Hope, Hope, Hope!

There is hope. Many of the issues endured when working with an ex are based on expectations and habits that remain on auto-pilot. We wait for that email and expect the that little something extra. We can’t get them off our mind because they are sitting in front of us. Well, we are going to teach you some methods to get rid of those expectations and habits. Soon your constant thought of walking past his desk or incessant impulse to check for her email will fade. You will build strength and move forward.

Lean heavily. If you fall under the category of a private romance with a private break up, lean heavily on someone outside of work that you can trust. Tell them everything. Use the community here to help you. We are not here to judge, we are here to help.

Change. You’ve probably had the experience of scent or a song triggering a poignant memory of a person or point in time. This is because our mind is like a filing cabinet that efficiently stores memories with certain associations. We have yet to unravel the mystery of all of the triggers; however, we do know that even the most mundane detail can generate an association to your ex – the angle of your computer, the scent of your office, etc. With this in mind, it makes sense to change some details and create fresh associations.

•    Rearrange your work space.
•    Place your computer in a different spot.
•    Change your pictures and knick-knacks.
•    Spray an unfamiliar scent in your office.
•    Drive a different route to work.
•    Walk a different path to your workspace.
•    Wear new clothes.
•    Talk to different co-workers.
•    Mix up your lunch destinations.

Email and other correspondence. Write down how you feel while waiting for his email or after receiving a disappointing text from her. Write it in code (if you have to) and put it on a post-it next to your computer, phone etc. Every time you want to send your ex a message, reference your post-it. If your urge overwhelms you, try the following:

•    Write an email. Yes, open a document and each time you want to send them a message, type it into this document. Record the time and the date and write it. Do not send it, just keep the document as a running trail. Review the document after a few weeks – we promise your urges will reduce in quantity.
•    Get raisins. If you hit “F5” fifty times an hour to refresh your screen, get a bag of raisins. Each time you want to hit refresh, eat a raisin instead. What you are doing is exhibiting addictive behavior and this technique helps to break it. Don’t not feel bad about it or reinvent the wheel, there are plenty of techniques to kill addictive habits and this is one of them.

Count before answering. It is of utmost importance to maintain your professionalism with your ex during the recovery process. While there may be a fleeting moment of satisfaction from throwing your swinger stapler at his head, we promise you will not feel good in the morning. Before answering any direct or indirect question to your ex, count to ten and ask yourself how your co-worker would respond. Respond in that manner.

Quit. Not your job, the game. Quit the game of sending and receiving inappropriate signals to and from your ex at work. If he or she winks at you in the hall, it is in your control to deny this signal. It is in your control to take a different route to the bathroom and reduce run ins at the office.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. You don’t need to discuss your personal life, nor do you need  find out about what your ex is up to. Do not fool yourself into thinking that finding out about his dating life or her weekend plans is providing you closure. Closure comes from within, from working through healing steps. Think of how you act with another colleague that you are not friends with at work – mimic this behavior with your ex.

You can do it. You were a working professional before this relationship and you can continue to be one. A unique challenge has been presented to you in this life. You will conquer it and when you come out on the other side, you will be better, brighter, and stronger.

Do you work with your ex? Perhaps you go to school with them or are still living with them- tell us why it’s hard for you to go cold turkey.

245 thoughts on “Working With Your Ex: When Going Cold Turkey is Not Possible”

  1. A few months ago I started a new job my dream job !! On my first day I met who I felt was my soul mate someone who I instantly looked at and thought I love you, I knew she had a partner so I didn’t persue her. That didn’t stop her texting an calling me all the time she made me believe she was going to leave her partner so I let her in to my heart. She then strung me along for 9 months before I finally had enough and had to break my heart I have not felt relaxed or normal since I feel completely broken. What hurts the most is that she hasn’t had any change to her life she is still with her partner I don’t want to hurt him so I won’t say anything but I wish she could feel how I feel !! She says she does but how could she if she stayed with him and let me go! I know I’m in the wrong but I was almost tricked an now I feel like in missing out and that she is and will be fine while I stay in this dark horrible place I’m in unable to relax or to sleep a whole night with out waking up three or four times to over analyze the situation one more time. What can I do it hurts and I have to see her everyday we are friends but that just kills me a bit more everyday. Knowing she goes home to a man who doesn’t appreciate her and who she in her own words has to try and make love her it just seems so strange to me. Please send me some advice I’m torturing myself and I don’t know why. Thanks for reading

  2. Hi everyone..it’s been quite a while since I’ve been on this site. I hope all of you are doing well and haved moved on. The last contact I had with my “ex” is January-he called me from a different number (I guess he thought I wouldn’t answer it otherwise) We didn’t talk long, but he mentioned he was seeing a psychiatrist and he’s trying to be a better person. He made no mention of his girlfriend but I did look her up and Facebook and low and behold there’s a picture of the two of them kissing. Yes, I still wonder why he chose her over me but I have no desire to be with him at all. I no longer dream about him or obsess with him like before and for that Iam oh-so-thankful:) Now the other news: I have developed an interest in another employee. We are both part-timers at the same level working in two different departments so our dating is accepted. We’ve been on one date and we have had no physical contact except a small hug-not even a kiss on the cheek. He is a great guy and we really enjoy each other’s company-he’s younger than me and very nice. He’s not super handsome like my ex was but he’s a very beautiful person inside (and out, to me). I never feel drained or used when Im around him. When I was with my ex I always had this stressed and “used” feeling. Im going to take it real slow with this guy even though Iam really craving him physically. Also, Im aware of at least one other co-worker who has an interest in him. We have to lay low for a while to avoid any drama. Im still not going to recommend dating a co-worker, but at least this man is a good man with morals and if it doesn’t work out between us, he is still a great guy:)

  3. I’m working for my ex. It has been more than a year since we…well, I wouldn’t say that we broke up but rather “grew apart”. Our romance started when he interviewed me for the job and things were pretty much very lovey-dovey at the beginning of the relationship. I have the previledge to know a lot of things even his partners and, I believe, even his wife doesn’t know of. We had intercourse a few times at hotels and even sometimes in the office after everyone left.
    I am aware of his temper and has advised him to control it. Things were going smooth until a point when work pressure has made him can’t control his temper. He started to raise his voice at me. I admit that I am very fragile when it comes to people raising their voice. I hid in my bedroom when my parents were quarrelling when I was young and I believe this fear has gotten into me until now.
    His feelings towards me faded and I started to feel the tension raised when we were both in the office when nobody is around. We both sat at our desk and did not even say a word. It was really hard for me as I still have feelings towards him. Working for him is definitely a time-bomb waiting to be explode. He gave me a hard time especially when I make mistakes. It’s not wrong for a boss to say his employee when she did a mistake but then again, I feel like it’s so personal.
    I learned that he has an affair with a lady which I knew. I contact her everyday for work related conversations on the phone and this has made the situation worst for me. He even brought her along for his business trips. I have reached a point where I don’t know what to do. Should I stay or should I leave? If i stayed, it will be like I don’t even have any dignity left. If I leave, i would be leaving a job that i love so much. Not to mention that I am considered a pioneer of the company. I’m devastated…………

  4. Hi everyone-welcome Jbeez:) Please do not change jobs! I think it’s very important to hold your ground in a situation like this ESPECIALLY if you were the one who was dumped. Let your ex find another job. I know it was blessing from God that my ex and his girlfriend were transferred and tonight I was faced with a big test: My office had a big Halloween event and my ex showed up. He gave me a hug and was very cordial. An hour later, his girlfriend showed up and she told me that there were openings at her office. Come on, do you think she really wants me working alongside her? I thanked her for the information but graciously declined. The funny thing about the whole thing is that they showed up separately and they both approached me separately. I don’t understand why they didn’t come together and seem to try to hide that they’re a couple. I mean, they no longer work at the same office and he is no longer her boss. That just seems strange. I was able to handle the whole thing with minimal stress but I must admit it still stung, not a whole lot but there was still some residue pain. I feel a little triumphant that I made sure that I looked good-been keeping myself up exercising, flattering clothes, etc. Six months ago, I don’t believe I would have been able to handle this. Time really does help. I know right now it seems you’ll be miserable forever, but believe me it will not be this way forever! Keep your head up, be the best you can be and you will overcome all of this! Good luck:)

  5. To know that I am not the only one who is having to work with an ex. My ex started teaching at my school last year. We hit it off immediately and began dating about 3 months into the school year. Everyone at school was rooting for us. After a few months, we got engaged and were planning to get married this past summer. Not long after we were engaged, he freaked out and broke things off completely in 3 conversations. He was unwilling to talk honestly about why or what happened and didnt really accept blame for anything. I finished out the last month of school and took the summer away from him to regain my footing. It was the most painful experience and difficult summer I have ever had. Coming back to school has been much harder than I expected. It has been 5 months since we broke up. He has not been kind to me, has been rude to me when no one is watching, and the worst part is that I have to see him daily (we are at a small school). Everyone loves him, too which makes it worse. I have been working on protecting myself by minimizing my interactions with him-not looking at him, talking to him, etc. I was feeling pretty good about it until today. I learned that he is now in a relationship, with someone he met shortly after we broke up. It has rocked my boat today. I know he wasnt good for me, but it’s soo painful to see him with someone else so soon. and to not take it personally. I love my job, but every part of me wants to leave now and find something else just so I dont have to see him daily and be reminded of him. This is too much sometimes.

  6. Hello everyone:) To all of you that have just broken up with your ex and still have to work with them, my prayers go out to you. It’s been 3 months since I’ve seen mine and about a month since I’ve talked to him, but just hearing some gossip about him today STILL hurt:( I keep telling myself-“Sheesh-enough already! You don’t have to deal with him anymore”! Even though he’s been transferred, he still socializes with some of my other co-workers and one of them mentioned that he and his teenaged girlfriend are still going strong and my co-worker saw my ex’s cell and his screensaver was a pic of my ex and the teenager kissing. He NEVER took any pics of us kissing, let alone make it his screensaver. I know that may seem like a trivial thing but it still stung. Of course, as time passes so will the memory of all this bullcrap. I thank God everyday that I don’t have to work with either one of them but I can’t wait until the day comes when I hear something about them or even run into them and I don’t bat an eye or feel anything-boy I can’t wait!:)

  7. Hi All,

    Well first of all after reading everyone elses posts, i would like to say there are some decent guys out there!! I have been living this nightmare for well over a year now! And, as a bloke i dont think there is a much harder thing to deal with (as blokes don’t talk about feelings) than this! First of all, abit about my so you try to get perspective of why this happened! I’ve had quite a rough life, and i eventually managed to get things right, get a good job… and this is where its started! I had been at the company for 2 years or so in a team of 5 people. Someone left, and thats when she turned up! First of all, it was all fun as she had a long term boyfriend… Cutting a long story short, basically he treated her badly and i treated her as my princess even though she wasnt mine! They split up after he dumped her and i was there for her and we started sleeping together and spending every minute of the day together.

    This soon stopped after he wanted her back and she dropped me straight away, by this time we had been working together in this team of 5 for about a year and a half. To start with she just ignored me which was pretty tough, but i keep trying to find out what i had done wrong… Then she accused me of giving her a std, Which i got checked out and hadnt….This was over a year ago now, and im still suffering as i fell in love with her! Some people would say im mad after all that, but she is an amazing girl.

    Now i dont work in the same team as her anymore but unfortunately im still on the same floor, and we still have to work together and talk regularly due to the nature of our work. I tried the moving desks around, pretty much everything that is mentioned about… But i still have a bleeding heart! I’ve met lots of women over that time but do not let any of them close as i still have her on a pedestal and none of them compare! When i try to speak to male friends i get told to man up and deal with it… And like a poster above said, i seem to have made there relationship stronger!! Dagger to the heart! I cannot get away from it! I hope we all get there in the end but i certainly cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel 🙁

    Thanks for reading

  8. Just wanted to let you all know that finding this website, realizing my situation isn’ t an isolated incident, and that others are coping makes me feel so much better. Long story relatively short – I’ve been friends with this guy for around 10 years (we met thru my ex boyfriend oddly enough). I left my boyfriend because I had fallen head over heals for this man and had secured him a job where I work before this had all happened. Three years later we are still back and forth – daily/monthly/weekly – you name it we’ve argued over it, cried about it, and not spoken for weeks at a time. About a year ago he met another girl at a wedding of a mutual friend of ours and ever since has been “dating” her – and by dating I mean posing as the boyfriend of her dreams, all the while never breaking contact (physical or otherwise) with me. He always told me how much easier it was to hurt her than me – but he has hurt me…by choosing her over me on holidays, by missing my birthday, and by constantly deciding that he wants to be a 1 woman man again and breaking my heart to be with her. Today was no exception – he text me to tell me we can’t see eachother anymore because he wants to “treat her right”…again, this isn’t the first time we’ve been through this. I need to stay mad, I need to never fall back into that trap again, and I need some advice on how to end this three year hell he’s put me through. Thanks!

  9. I feel so depressed. My boyfriend of nearly 5 years just finalized our break up last night. We’ve been working in the same office for years and still do. I can’t believe that it’s over. Everyone in the company knows about us and have been rooting us on for years. I am feeling some really raw emotions right now. I know that I will get through this, but I just don’t know how. I did so much for him, I did so much to be with him. I asked him if he still loves me, and he said that he feels relieved to be apart… he asked is it love if you feel better when you are away from your partner?? I get it. He very clearly stated that he genuinely cares for me and will always be there for me. He says he feels liberated and more like himself than he has in the past few years. I know I can be a little demanding and overwhelming at times, I just didn’t realize I was such a ball and chain. He says he feels like a burden has been lifted off him… he feels alive. I feel like crap. How did I not see the signs? I just don’t know how to cope with this loss… he has meant so much to me. I can’t imagine my life without him. But now I’m alone… really and truly alone. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I have to see and hear him at work everyday. I don’t know if I can deal with it. What should I do????? Please help me.

  10. Hi everyone:) Thanks Alexis for your wonderful post. Yes, it’s been a rough road but it has been getting better. My ex’s girlfriend quit last month, but in actuality she was also transferred also. She’s not at the same office of my ex’s but she’s at an office very close to his apartment. My ex called me last month saying how much he hated the new location where he works and then he insisted on meeting for lunch the next day. I admit I was looking forward to seeing him, however he cancelled and I felt really stupid for even talking to him. I haven’t talked to him since. His birthday passed and I didn’t call or text him. This is the longest I’ve gone without seeing him and at the office it’s like he’s never worked there. I no longer do the cyber-ostalking stuff-not checking his cell or her myspace..I do still feel some hurt and I know Im still not 100% over this. I expect my ex and his girlfriend to visit the office and announce an engagement of some sort or announce her pregnancy. Now that they don’t work in the same office there’s every reason they will show off their relationship. Anyway I have a whole new set of problems and worries totally unrelated to my ex. Life goes on, even though Im not ready to seriously date quite yet, I sure hope I find true love before I die. Good luck to all of you!:)

  11. I want to keep this short I guess; ) this is for all of you. I went crazy for someone I worked with as well, everyday contact. We begin to see each other and what needed to have been a one time rendevouz turned into a year. He was married; correction he is married. After we went our separate ways I did everything you all have done. Except tell his supervisor, everyone found out about our relationship and our breakup because I was very immature and wanted to push him of the perfect man pedestal. You name it I did it; from calling his wife too bashing him with other coworkers to literally making his life living he’ll at work because, I’m the supervisor in this situation. I never thought I would get over it. I almost changed jobs, because although he is married he broke up with me and literally started dating the whole world. I had to hit rock bottom before I was able to get over him. Everyone will be able to do it. It takes a little bit of self love! Love yourself a little would you wish this open someone else?! Probably not someone loved? So why continue putting yourself in this situation, DO NOT Text, Cyberstalk, call or speak to them unless it is about work! The new person in their life, does not deserve to be mistreated or sabotaged in the workplace just because she/he is now dating the person that is now your ex. It isn’t their fault. Do thank your ex for the good times you had, there are ppl that aré in our life to teach us lessons and then walk away and those who are there to come into our lives to stay. Obviously our exes taught us all something. For example I never thought I could love anyone the way I loved him. And that was beautiful, he showed me a side of me that I didn’t know existed. I thank him every day. The other thing is we need to be responsible for our own happiness. It is not their fault you are upset ultimately you decided toneither talk to him again or sleep with that person again. Did you think a text would fix your issues. Or sex would make that person come back! Noooo absolutely not. And you know this as your doing it trust me I did it! Cry there is nothing wrong with crying! Get it out! When your in the privacy of your home or with friends don’t do this at work, work is not the place for it. Everyone goes through the I hate him/her stage I love them I want tonbe friends with them I want them to disappear stage, everyone does it. If your there right now don’t be scared it happens; more than you know. Understand that being hard on yourself is not going to help either, there is nothing wrong with you. You are heartbroken, that’s what it is. Don’t think of does he love me does he want me why is he with her why isn’t he with me, why did he leave me think of how much I love me, how great am I. Don’t think about their new partners and how horrible you think they are or how much better they are than me. Make a decision can I continue to HURT myself is that I want if soo hey keep thinking about them; if not move on. There are things in our lives we can change and things we can’t; we can’t change what has happened how ugly we’ve behaved with them or how ugly they’ve behaved with us, that’s done. But we can change our feeling towards them. The day you stop hating your ex and making them responsible for YOUR happiness is the day you’ll move on. I wish you all the best! happy hearts! I promise you will get there every sigle one of you. This is my first time here so I don’t know everyones name but I do recall the post; from the lady who wants to leave her husband of 10 yrs to the one who told her supervisor about her ex’s new partner, to the girl with the summer job, to the lady who has been married for 19 yrs to the girl that dated the commitment phobe. You will all get through I promise!!! I pinky promise you all!! It will be in your past; YOU all are responsible for ultimately putting this behind you, do not expect your ex’s to help you through. The day will come! It takes time, It takes some of us longer than others. Remember you all deserve someone who is willing to give you the best. Our exes don’t deserve us at our worst; why give them our best. I wish you all the best! 🙂

    • Thank you. This was very encouraging, as I am dealing with my married, co-worker ex and I am devastated. Its very new and fresh and I am hurting real bad! I will get through it, I know I will….but reading everyone’s email helps a little. Thank you.

      • Tina,

        Me too. Everything that you just said is true for me also. I’m on a leave for a couple of weeks, thank God, but have to go back in a week. Just in shock at the way things turned out and how I could be so much of a cliche to think he’d leave her. Want to have my wits about me when I face him at work in a week. And thank you so much, Alexis – you made me feel better. What a beautiful post. It’s cheesy, but it reminded me of that 80s song that goes, “I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it’s about forgiveness..even if you don’t love me anymore.” I’ll get to forgiveness and peace. We all will. Faith, distance, and time.

  12. Welcome to the forum Kari:) I real feel for you and your situation. You need to stop isolating from your other co-workers. So what Mr. Hotstuff is the office favorite. My ex was, too. Don’t forget you’re important too and have a lot to offer. Do the best you can at your job-don’t let your performance suffer. Another thing, spoil yourself! Get a new hair-cut. Buy a new outfit even if you have to go to the thrift store(I did). Go to the gym-do everything you can to be a better person inside and out. Remember your ex is just a man-he’s not all-powerful or immortal. By the way, my ex was TRANSFERRED! So so happy! His girlfriend still works at the office but I only see her once a week during a shift change. Life is good. Kari please be strong and hang in there-it will get better:) Also you might want to look into taking a few natural herbs such as Siberian ginseng, rhodiola, St Johns Wort and even cinnamon for the depression-it really helps. Good luck & God Bless:)

  13. I work in the outdoor industry (raft guiding) seasonally, and last summer with the company I took up with one of the new guides (I was second year). In this kind of work, the staff become somewhat like family-we live and work together and really only hang out with eachother. Dylan originally had a girlfriend back home, but when they broke up, we got together. It was really great, the closest thing I had to a real boyfriend in my whole life (i’m 21!), but i knew we only had a month together, so we didn’t put lables on anything. I was set to go overseas for 4 months at the end of the summer, and assumed we wouldn’t talk while I was away, since what we had wasn’t really serious and so brief. I assumed that, like all other guys before him, he only cared about sex and didn’t really care for me as a person. But he started emailing me right away and we wrote back and forth almost everyday for the 4 months. When I came back into the country he made the 8 hour drive from his hometown to come visit me where I was living. He spent 5 days and it was really great. For a couple of those days we were sick with food poisoning and were throwing up, but it was kinda cool cause it was like a bonding experience. He was looking for a job at the time and wasn’t tied down by anything, so we even talked about him coming and getting a job at the ski hill i worked at.
    I was having a hard time in general lately, because I had a crappy time overseas (partly due to missing dylan, and wondering if I had made a mistake by leaving) and now I had moved to a new town and had a new job for the winter (stress) and missed my family who I never got to see anymore, I was also going through my annual season affective disorder stuff.
    One week after he had visited me, I found out he was back together with his ex-girlfriend. I was devastated. He hadn’t told me, he had just stopped emailing and calling and one day I went on facebook and saw recent pictures of them together. He never ended up telling me or offering an explanation, he just fell of the edge of the earth.
    We had both planned on going back to the summer rafting job originally, and i loved that job so I really wanted to go back. I was nervous for it to start because it would mean a confrontation, but I also really wanted to confront him, or for him to finally apologize, so it was a bittersweet anxiety. When the day came, a co-worker arranged for us to meet and talk it out before work. He offered me an explanation and sincere apology. I told him how much he had ruined my winter and how pissed off and sad I still was. He assured me that he did really indeed like me when he took up with me, and was not just using me. We agreed that we needed to be friends in order to make the summer work, not to let it interfere with the job, and to not ruin the group dynamic.
    Now I work with him everyday. To make things worse, he has quickly risen in the ranks to being a senior guide, while I’ve lagged behind, and now he is my superior. I have to report to him when he runs a trip I’m on, and a couple of times now he’s been assigned to teaching me new skills. It’s humiliating, and my work performance is suffering majorly. The added pressure of not screwing up in front if him makes me screw up even more. He is still with the girlfriend, even though she lives far away. I alternate between being friendly, and being cold to him. I feel bad, cause i’m such a rollercoaster, but I feel so uncontrollable in my emotions. Some days i have forgiven him, and some days I’m pissed off, and some days I’m just plain sad and feel sorry for myself. He started out being nice to me, but I guess my volatile behaviour has finally taken it’s toll, because he has stopped. He basically ignores me everyday and only hangs out with the other senior guides.
    The worst part of this is that I still want him. Logically, i know that he would not be good for me at all, and that even if he did break up with his girlfriend, getting back together with him would be a terrible idea. Yet, whenever I see him, I just long to hold him. I miss the days when we were together last year so much, because it was the last time i was happy. I am so attracted to him, more than i was before. I just want to jump his bones when i see him. I figure it’s mostly lust, and that kost of the hurt he caused me has little to do with him, it’s more about me being scorned, rejected, left behind. And every guy I’ve ever dated has done that to me, so it’s just a cab picked, and a wound re-opened, gushing blood. Fresh blood from an old wound.
    Because of my depression, I have not really integrated myself with the crew this year, and I’m no where near popular. The new staff have an impression of me as quiet, moody and negative. No one wants to hang out with someone like that, and having no social life just contributes to me depression. On the otherhand, he is mr. popular, and a really happy guy. Ihave to listen to his cheerful laughter and jokes everyday and I just hugely resent his happiness. He is one of the best guides at the company, well respected, and the customers love him. My friends/coworkers would easily pick him over me, and that hurts. Only some of them know about us. Everyday i cry on the way home from work. How am i going to make it through this summer? 2 months down, and 3 months to go? How am i going to be able to be professional and report to him when necessary, and learn from his lessons, and not feel like a doormat, not to mention a bad, inferior guide?? How am i going to get over my crush on him?

  14. I feel trapped. I fell in love with a guy several years ago. He was EVERYTHING to me and said I was the one for him…except he was unhappily married. Told me he wanted to be with me but he has young children. We remained friends. NOW, i work for him and he is leaving his wife for ANOTHER woman! I am heartbroken… I love my job but every day is a reminder of what a fool I was to believe that some day when his marriage broke up he would still want to be with me. We remain friendly but it is just killing me watching him move on with his life with another… I am stuck in my job for at least 3 months. Any input as to how I can get through it? It is really bringing me down : (

  15. Hello everyone:) This site has been pretty quiet…hope all is well with you all. It’s been pretty rough for me but I have to share some of the blame for that. I had some racy texts from my ex from last month when we hooked up last month.A couple of weeks ago my ex asked me could he use my phone. I said yes and thought nothing of it. He’s used my phone before over the course of four years. Of course, he saw the texts and was livid. He deleted them from my phone and accused me of saving them so I could use them against him in some way.The only reason I saved them was strictly for sentimental reasons. I still have an (unhealthy) attachment to this fool.He has since sent nice texts saying “hi” and “hope ur ok” but I no longer save any texts from him. Now he’s telling me he’s going to be transferring to another office wants me (along with his current girlfriend) to go with him. I know that sounds crazy! The thing is I would be working full-time insytead of part-time and I would be making 50% more per hour. In other words, I would be taking home three times what Im making now.I know you guys probably think Im crazy, but we do work good together in an office setting-just have to keep any residual lust out of it. Plus his teen sweetheart will be right there to keep an eye on him My feelings for this guy really aren’t as deep as I thought.I do get attacks of lust for him sometimes, but it quickly passes.My ego was bruised over the new girlfriend because she is so young and is a co-worker. Anyway, we’ll see….

  16. Had an OK day at work. I was off Thursday and his girlfriend is off Fridays so I get a little bit of a break from the stress. He just gave me a chicken-s**t look and is acting like nothing happened. The texting has stopped. My problem is I keep checking on the both of them-checking her myspace and checking his cell bill. I can’t stop! Plus the cell provider he has updates his call-log in real-time. I can literally see him on his cell at work, access his cell records on my web-browser and see that he’s talking to his girlfriend. They’re in constant communication and call each other about 20 times a day. He never talked to me the way he talks to her-I think that hurts more than anything. Im trying to accept that they may really be in love and maybe that’s why the supervisor’s aren’t doing anything. I want to just let this thing go and live my life. My girlfriend says my ex will continue to manipulate me while he treats his girlfriend with respect. But he’s not respecting her if he’s not being exclusive and still hooking up with other women. I just wish I could take a pill and be totally rid of any emotion I had for him. I’ve gotta stop checking on his calls and her myspace-this making me feel like a crazy woman:(

  17. To felix: Thanks for remembering me. The website has been one of the best things that happened to me while healing. I realized that I am normal and still healthy, thinking that some people too feel the same thing. I read all your letters that is forwrded in my email account. It takes time to heal. For me, the people that I encounter eveyday and prayers are vital. Still, i think of that person whom I wasted a decade of my life with. My sisters told me not to fight back. Let God defend me with those kind of ungrateful people. I concentrated with my children. How lucky and blessed I am to see my offsprings! I removed my concentration with my feelings to their feelings. Put myself on their shoes. I want them to see me as a strong woman and that I can handle it without a man in my life who will just use me and abuse me.I don’t want them to see me crying anymore..and withdrawn..I wanted to be a good example to them.. I want to thank you for all your support.. Still, I am struggling everyday with the thought of thinking of my ex. The only thing I do is go to this website..read books..exercise..meditate and divert myself..I hope I am helping the other women here too. God bless!

  18. hi Sheldy, i bet it feels good to bare your mind and since you have not cried for 8 days, thats quite an improvement. you work of art will offer you a strong avenue for improvement and getting over (but does one really get over this). Hi Nikki, am hoping you get proper divine direction as regards your decisions and channel of actions. hello Cynch…quite a while, trust you are faring well???? Mimi, Mandy Sosad,Blueszy etc….how do you all do?? i have made it a note to talk less abt someone who i strongly believe deserves to be in the past of my history. cheers

  19. Hi, I wish I could say that I’ve healed and moved on… I’ve just been busy with work, and with my art. He sent me a message a week ago yesterday, (we hadn’t spoken or looked at one another since mid-January) asking how I am. I responded that I’m sad, that I miss our friendship and that I had hoped we’d get through the transition. He then texted “We will”. and “You’ve been on my mind”. When I asked why, he said he’d just been thinking of me and how I am. When I asked what made that happen, he responded “The Moon”. (I was the moon, he was the sun) I asked how his music was going, and he said he’s been busy with work, and he’s been “cleaning up his soul–it’s cluttered in there”. We went on to talk about solar flares a bit, and then we said goodnight. It felt nice to know he’s been thinking of me, (even though he didn’t say much–always so f***ing vague) but at the same time I felt annoyed because I think of him constantly, am working on a whole series of art pieces starring him. (Us). Over all I do feel a little better knowing he cares enough to think of me and text me, when I felt that he didn’t care about me at all, that I didn’t exist to him. I’m pretty sure he his new relationship is ending or is over (by what he said, and by facebook investigation). We worked together the day after he texted, and luckily I was so busy I hardly had time to eat, let alone glance his way. Then it was the weekend, and I took up an offer from an old boyfriend who moved to another town 5 hours away to visit. It was good for me. I hadn’t been with anyone since my ex that I work with, and it’s been 8 months now. I was well distracted, and this old boyfriend and I have a special kind of friendship/bond, in that there are no games, it just is what it is. (We’ve been carrying this on for 7 years, we never were serious, but we love and respect each other and tell each other so). It happens when neither of us are in a relationship. I only thought of The Sun once or twice, and just tried to enjoy myself with the guy I was visiting. I feel a lot less sad, but I still have a lot of art left that has to get done. I have to tell the story of us, and it’s changing as my feelings change. I haven’t heard from him since, and I haven’t looked at my phone or wondered when I will hear from him again. I know where he’s coming from, I know it’s because this new relationship that he has kept from me isn’t working out. I don’t know what I would do if he asked to see me. I’m still avoiding him at work, although I have looked at him a little more. I don’t think I could trust his friendship, not when he was able to so happily move on without a care in the world (or so it appeared), while I was crying and putting it all down as art. We were supposed to be able to maintain our friendship, since that was the most important part of our relationship, and we understood that we couldn’t really be together (the age difference). It just seems to me that if he cared about our friendship he would have reached out sooner. (He could have been ‘friends’ from the beginning, but I was hurting so much I had to stop speaking and looking at him in order to try to stop hurting). I do understand the catalyst that made him think of me, I’ve experienced that before, but I also don’t want to try to transition now while he may be hurting over someone else. I want to leave him alone and let him experience his hurt, and I definitely don’t want to be a safety net for him. I respect myself too much, and I’m surprised by that, because a few months ago I wished I could die. I guess I haven’t really realized that I have gotten better, even if it is only because I’ve gotten used to him not being part of my daily life. I really loved him as a person, and it was supposedly mutual. I feel a little mixed up, because I do feel that maybe soon I could be friends with him, but at the same time, since I’m used to him not being in my life, and I have all these new friends that I’m busy with, I worry that I wouldn’t care to be friends. Maybe I don’t like him as much, or I was too let down by him, or disappointed in him because I didn’t think he was the kind of person to just Stop. I’ve just decided to keep on the way I’ve been. I will keep making the art until the story is told, and hopefully I won’t cry again. I haven’t cried in 8 days.

  20. Hello everyone:) Thanks for getting back to me, Felix. When I hooked up with my ex last week, we didn’t go all the way. I pleased him(you can fill in the blanks). He doesn’t know anything about me going to a supervisor about his escapades because no one has approached him yet but he will eventually get wind of it because the same supervisor I talked to mentioned his situation to me. She said she will handle it. Of course she doesn’t know I’ve hooked up with him since I’ve talked to her. I know this whole thing is just a time-bomb waiting to blow up right in my face. The only “good” thing is all of us are single. @Mimi: Don’t leave your husband! These men will see several women at the same time and think nothing of it! Be thankful you have a man committed to you-it’s a jungle out there!

  21. To Mimi: I hope you will be able to fall-in-love with your husband again..Try to remember how strong your feelings with him when you were just dating. Go to your memory box(love-letters, music, pictures) of him and you when you were younger..I hope you can just divert yourself with good memories Mimi.

  22. Hello dears, @ Nikki-am blushing and hope to set eyes on you one day….lol;you don’t have to be embarrased about your emotions and feelings however the trend rings an alarm bell to me.you said intimate and am wondering if you let him go all the way? That’s not really cool @ all.you tried paying him back by telling Dave and letting some of your colleagues know about his irresponsible acts,and susprisingly he has not approcahed you to remonstrate in some way? Suddenly he’s all lovey dovey again.how true can his intentions be?I definitely know you love him(whether misplaced or not) but am a strong disciple of mental,spiritual and psychological healing and don’t believe in relapse.you’l be suprised that you may not be so lovesick about mr hotpants if providence moves you to a higher ground or he moves on from the firm.you have obviously set back your healing a while.my mind is telling me perhaps he wants to stab you again and this will be the last devastating blow that you will never recover from,I may be wrong as I do not claim to have a solutiion to your challenges(I am yet to overcome mine). I feel you have to thread with caution,we should make room for forgiveness but not for unserious sexminded fellows to toy with our emotions and hapiness.@ mimi, welcome,am not an authority in family matters but I just cannot seem to fathom it when someone jeopardises a succesful union for a seeming soulmate that is not really intended for him/her. Kindly go through all our previous psots.what you need from that chap is distance,emotional one even though you work together and have been camped together for seminar or whatever.we have all been going through what you are currently passing through and look up to each others shoulder to lament,seek consolation and tell our failings (and hopefully tell of our recoveries and successful unions in this life) pls make efforts you can pull it through. What happened to others? Pls share with us apparently you have all moved on,mandy.sosad,blueszy,vegas,sheldon etc) cheers all

  23. To : Mimi
    Be strong. I will pray for you. I hope you will be able to realize that you have a husband waiting for you at home. I know it is not easy to say. Maybe the guy that you are crazy with has a powerful attraction to women(strong sex-appeal). You might hurt yourself real bad when you continue loving him. I don’t think he loves you if he is dating other women and says that he is just waiting for you. That is false hope. He will do it again and again even if you left your husband..I hope you will not regret your decision if you chose him.. Sometimes, it is too late when we realize the value of the person caring for us at home when they are finally gone. It is very hard to resist temptation especially when you are with that man all the time. I hope you will realize your value as a person too. God bless.

  24. Where do I start. I have been married for 10 years and for the most part my husband is a great husband and father. We have a pretty good life and he would never imgine cheating on me, no matter what. That being said I have been having an affair with someone I work with for 2 years. I fell instantly for this person. Being very different from my husband his past track record with women isnt good, financially he is not stable and throughout the 2 years he has let me go twice. Meaning that because I havent gotten uo the gutts to leave my husband he started dating someone else for a few months. I am fully aware that from the outisde all the signs are there to just say RUN……but my heart says different, VERY different. Our relationship is at a bit of a stand still right now just because of the high emotion of me not leaving. We do work together and are away on a 2 day. day course together. I am trtying hard to let him go and give my marriage all it deserves I just dont know how to do it. I want to be so mean to him, tell him how hurt I am because of the person he is and just basically cry but I know that will just make the two days 10x longer. HELP…..How do I get him outta my head when I have to spend this time wih him 🙁

  25. Wow…how are all of you doing? I hope all of you are healing and doing well. Felix-I have to admit you are my favorite:) I feel ashamed and very embarrassed because I just had a bad set back or you might want to call it a relapse with my ex. Yes I became intimate with him last Friday. The worst part is that it happened on the job. Iam filled with so much self-loathing now. Im also mad at him because he must know that I still love him yet he dumped me for a teenager. These past couple of days he’s texted me at least 200 times. I haven’t had a real sit-down talk with him because I don’t think I could handle it. I would probably fall apart. He even asked for sex tonight saying he’s still addicted me but I refused. He later texted me saying he was glad I turned him down. Im sooo stressed! I have to admit it felt soo good just to touch him and smell him again. It’s hard to believe he doesn’t have any love for me at all. He hasn’t mentioned his girlfriend even though her myspace page says they’re engaged. How can I get this encounter out of my mind? He even said when he starts his own business which might be out of state he wants me to go with him-wtf? Now that he’s paid me this attention I don’t see his girlfriend as a threat. Who knows? He may marry her next week! I still keep hoping she’ll quit the job. I wonder what she would do if she knew what happened between me and him Friday. Help!!!

  26. I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since I’ve posted anything. It seems likes it’s been months. How is everybody. I can honestly say I feel sooo much better! Im not 100% but doing a lot better than two weeks ago. I did get a little annoyed at work today because the supervisor I had talked to mentioned my ex and his relationship with teenager at the office. She said she feels their still together but she doesn’t know what to say.wtf?? Confront them! The relationship is against their policy and it looks like everyone will continue to turn a blind eye. I’ve been trying to block it out myself concentrating on other things and other people and I’ve actually been doing pretty good until this supervisor mentioned it and is showing she isn’t going to do anything about it. I still don’t understand how he can just dump me and pretend we were never involved.I sure hope it won’t be much longer til Im 100 % over this mess!:)

  27. Hi everyone(especially you Felix:). @SoSad: My heart goes out to you and it makes me feel good that some of my advice has helped you. It just hurts like hell to be dumped and having to the the person almost everyday! You gotta wish your ex the best if he’s getting married. I have a strong feeling my ex may get married too. In all honesty that would be a relief because one of them would have to find another job and would only have to deal with one of them instead of two. They’re both out of town this weekend celebrating her birthday-Sunday she turns 19. It’s going to be a long time getting over this. Somedays Im so strong and I think Im really over it. Then I have days like this-Im so hurt and weak and feel like such a loser. My girlfriend keeps telling me not to take the rejection personal and my ex didn’t have bad intentions when he started dating this girl-but I do take it personal! I have no idea if and when my supervisor will approach him about his relationship. Who knows? More people may be aware of than I think and they’re just turning a blind eye even though boss/subordinates are against the rules. I guess Im a woman scorned.I never intended my emotions to get so deep for this dude. We’ve known each other for almost 4 years and dated for one year and now he’s lost his head to someone he’s known only 4 months? “Accept it accept it accept it” is what I keep telling myself but it’s sooo hard! I hope all you guys are doing better than me-I’m slipping:(

  28. Hi all – only silence because have been away – things still the same for me – my ex is still getting married to person he met on facebook 3 months ago!! Trying not to let it get to me – trying to take advice given on here – particularly (think from Nikki) about looking over his head when talking to him at work – that does it for me. Still struggling, though …x

  29. Hello friends,been a while and I have this unerving feeling about all your silence or perhaps you guyz have gotten over your heartaches and moved on?I hope so;please share the tale and encourage me and others.nikki dear I bet you are terribly hurt and wonder how mr hot pants sholud be happy after damaging your love life?I feel same way too but I run to Jesus for consolation and direction.if you are feelin better then so be it.luv to hear from you.mandy,sosad,blueszy,all of you pls why d silence???

  30. Welcome to the forum Dee:) Well today I did something that I just HAD to do. Many of you may not agree with me but I couldn’t take it any longer. I feel like I got some of my dignity back. I went to a supervisor(one of ex’s co-workers) and exposed his relationship with the 18 year old part-timer. It is totally against company policy. I admited my relationship with my ex and that is was over. She was in total shock. She wasn’t surprised about me and my ex-she said she felt that we had dated at some point. It was the 18 year old that floored her. She told me to just do my job and more than likely the 18 will be let go. That really doesn’t sound fair but had he not done what he did this would have never happened. I know he will retaliate in some way but I don’t care. This man has dumped on me so many times and abused my emotions sooo many times that it would take another forum to go into detail all that he’s done. I didn’t tell my supervisor all the details just that my ex is dating this girl. I feel like I did the right thing and I’l handle any repercussions as they arrive. Of course he’ll be upset and hostile towards me but he treats me like that anyway.If they’re truly in love one of them will get another job and they will continue dating. Plus Im tired of doing extra work that his girlfriend chooses not to do. Anyway a weight has been lifted and I can see the sun through the clouds:)

  31. nice.. i enjoy this forum soo much.. 1 year had past but still i cant move on, still miss her.. i miss the i girl i was each time im with him.. monday again tom.. will see his email again.. all about works again..just work! plain work.. no more.. sweet thoughts..wish he never got married. 🙁

  32. @Felix: Thanks for your good advice as always:) So far its business as usual. My cell was blinking before I went to work today and it was my ex. He sent a message saying I didnt need to send copies of company emails to his boss. Every since he forwarded my email to his girlfriend I always include his supervisor as one of the recipients so if he does it again his boss will see he’s forwarding my emails to his girlfriend.I know at some point my gossip from last night may get back to him but Im really not worried. I actually feel pretty good. @Vegas: Let’s not refer to other women as disgusting. It’s not their fault that these guys are dogs. We laid down with these men-what does that make us?

  33. @Felix: Thanks for your good advice as always:) So far its business as usual. My cell was blinking before I went to work today and it was my ex. He sent a message saying I didnt need to send copies of company emails to his boss. Every since he forwarded my email to his girlfriend I always include his supervisor as one of the recipients so if he does it again his boss will see he’s forwarding my emails to his girlfriend.I know at some point my gossip from last night may get back to him but Im really not worried. I actually feel pretty good. @Blueszy: Let’s not refer to other women as disgusting. It’s not their fault that these guys are dogs. We laid down with these men-what does that make us?

  34. Hello All, i wonder what made me delay in posting my remarks?????@Blueszy, i made a move to try to tone down what Mandy said but got carried away by work schedule. I was happy when you made mention of being a Christian in your earlier post and i encouraged you to explore that opportunity (apart from this forum, my fellowship group affords me a huge relief during prayer meetings), i dont think maligning you by anyone will solve the challenge, this is supposed to be a relief outlet not a blame game area, pls do not abandon ship, we all have various opinions and you can decide to let them count or not, continue on the path you have chosen, you will surely end up well with hot pants going away for 3 months, i bet thats the miracle you need for total healing and reconciliation with your husband, i think if you decide, you can still love your husband again.@mandy, nice to note that you want to draw your inner healing and strength from God, obviously we cant do it all alone anyway am kinda surprised at your mail, you sounded so grown up and please go easy on lady B, we all have gone astray and needs encouragement not finger-pointing.@ Nikki, you never cease to make me laugh, you just embarked on a boomerang effect and it might not go down well with your healing, you apparently love your ex more than he does and the utmost truth is that there is nothing that you will do to get back to him that will get him, instead you will be the one to hurt the most. dont try to get at him through such or telling third parties(the best you get is a look of self pity and plenty of gossip). please maintain sealed lips, thats your best buy, if you must talk, write on this forum, email etc but please do not tell any of your colleagues or a friend that knows you both. Cheers all

  35. Blueszy,

    Sorry that people have to be jerks… Hope you find the answers you are seeking.. Everyday is a struggle between my ex and I.. He is a a$$hole.. he flirts with many women at work, to upset me.. many times it works, but i dont let him know that… These women are disgusting, wich makes it worse, as i consider myself to be very attractive.. but still kind of brings me down… I need to just keep moving forward.. and not let him affect my life any longer, he will be transfering in about a month, so imthinking if i can suck it up for a bit longer, it will be worth the wait

  36. @Mandy I am a christian but just like you said everyone makes mistakes. Life is full of mistakes by all religions we are human. I came on this thread to get support and all I have gotten was knocked down. I think it’s best I find somewhere else. Where people will be more supportive and not making me feel any worse then I already feel.Thank you.

  37. Hello everyone. Wow…I think I may have really messed up. Please pray for me everybody. My job doesn’t pay much but I really need it. I had been doing so well-saw my ex today and had no problems but later after work a male co-worker who I’ll call “Dave” texted me. Dave and I are both on the same level at work and I always thought he was attractive but I thought he was too young for me. Plus I didn’t want to have to work around two exes! Dave has always been nice to me and has never disrepected me. Well when we texted and talked tonight I told him EVERYTHING! It just all came out and now he knows about my secret relationship with my ex and his new relationship with the new girl. I know that he will probably repeat this information to at least one person. I know that was a very unwise move on my part but I’ve been keeping this secret inside my body for three years! I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just know my ex is a drama king and if word gets back to him my job may be on the line. Dave told me some shady things about my ex that I didn’t even know. Now Im just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hopefully this will all blow over without any incidence. In some ways I feel better and feel like I’ve knocked him from his pedastal. I just don’t want to lose my job:(

  38. Bluezy.. You say you are a Christian woman.. A woman of god. But your actions do not reflect it.. I’m not judging.. Just making an observation. I’m finding god again.. Because in my situation I’ve realized he is the only one that can help. I recommend going to him.. Read your bible.. Seek him.. Look up a man named benny hen.. He has very inspirational teachings. It helps.. I’m starting to do it.. I feel different. There is someone out there for everyone I believe.. We haven’t found the right ones..Or we have and we’ve just made bad decisions.. But everyone makes mistakes. Not one is better than another. Getting through hard points and coming out on top.. That’s what defines us. How we can stand up from being knocked down.. And come out stronger. Be happy with yourself. It’s so hard but changing your state of mind will change you.. You are in Control of your thoughts and emotions.. Of your mindset. We’ve lost ones that we love so much.. But we did not die.. We can’t lose ourselves. I will most likely deploy soon.. To Afghanistan.. And I decided i can’t go with my state of mind.. Or my broken heart.. I had to fix it..or I wouldn’t survive. Please keep your heads up. You have your family and friends to help you through.. Think of others in worse situations.. Who don’t have that support. Eventually.. Everything will start to feel better if you choose for it to

  39. Hello everyone. Wow…I think I may have really messed up. Please pray for me everybody. My job doesn’t pay much but I really need it. I had been doing so well-saw my ex today and had no problems but later after work a male co-worker who I’ll call “Dave” texted me. Dave and I are both on the same level at work and I always thought he was attractive but I thought he was too young for me. Plus I didn’t want to have to work around two exes! Dave has always been nice to me and has never disrepected me. Well when we texted and talked tonight I told him EVERYTHING! It just all came out and now he knows about my secret relationship with my ex and his new relationship with the new girl. I know that he will probably repeat this information to at least one person. I know that was a very unwise move on my part but I’ve been keeping this secret inside my body for three years! I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just know my ex is a drama king and if word gets back to him my job may be on the line. Dave told me some shady things about my ex that I didn’t even know. Now Im just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hopefully this will all blow over without any incidence. In some ways I feel better and feel like I’ve knocked him from his oedastal. I just don’t want to lose my job:t

  40. @Nikki..sorry I guess I misunderstood. It seems as though I have alot of that going on lately. Good thinking too I never really thought about the spouses finding out and doing something drastic.Today I ignored him and it was divine for me I could see him looking at me from the corner of my eye but I did not make any eye contact. I just need to get through the next two weeks before he moves on to the other building. @Felix…Thank you I have been thinking about seeking help from my church they do family counseling. My husband, I know doesn’t want the divorce it was always just on my side. But even with the counseling I don’t know if the love for him will come back but I guess I won’t know unless I try. My biggest thing right now though is to first get rid of all my feelings for my coworker. And I am so happy to know for three months he will be gone so I hope in those three months I will be rid of him entirely. It’s as if an angel is watching over me knowing what I am going through and granting me a chance to heal.

  41. Thanks Felix.. I’m really trying to avoid him.. Even though it so hard to.. I live in the same dorms as him.. And I work with him. I hate that i want to be with him. An everytime I see him it reminds me that.. I made a big mistake. I hate that i have to hear about everything he’s doing.. I don’t want it to bug me. I wish things were different. He was my rock here.. Being so far from home … Combined with my stressful job.. Makes living here very hard. And he made it better. I’m only 19 I feel like I shouldn’t have to deal with this right now But I am. And I’ve decided that I’m getting the chance to find myself again.. And learning to be self dependent. And that’s what’s really keeping me going.

  42. @Felix: Thank you so much for your posts! Im glad you’re not letting a bad experience sour your attitude towards love and women. Even a bad experience can be a learning experience where can take something positive from it:) Im trying to be positive and hopeful towards the future. One good thing is my ex’s new girlfriends hours have been temporarily cut. I usually see her during the shift change but this week I won’t see her at all(hopefully). I know this mess isn’t her fault but we are both very uncomfortable around each other. My ex mentioned that he got a few souvenirs from his trip last week and to text him to remind him to bring them to work. Iam not texting him under any circumstances! I know I’ll be dealing with him more this week because of his girlfriends reduced hours. He’ll be turning to me to do the duties that his girlfriend would normally do. I can be cordial but I can’t laugh and joke with him like before. I just can’t wait for the day when all the feelings are just totally gone and don’t have to “brace myself” just to go to my job. Sheesh!:)

  43. Hello everyone,
    @ Nikki, thanks for your commendation, such keeps me going. i have refused to take a drastic attitude towards love and the opposite sex (as naturally most guys would do). am believing God that i will be happy again in this life with an understanding soul mate that will cherish and return my luv.i equally dread that our posts will gradually reduce (evidence that we are all moving on and no more sad tales to tell), well till then, please do all keep it coming in.@pretty, we can all look back at our mistakes and trudge on, it will equally weigh down on you that they are forging a close bond because you decided to let go, thats the pretty choice you have to make, she is someone else’s and so please let go, you are obviously pretty and sensible, be focused, yours must surely come. @ mandy, you should not allow yourself further hurt by giving in to that fellow, imagine the few steps you have gained only to be set back further by his visit which did not help you in any way, you have got to start giving it back to him by total avoidance. its heart rending that you left all to follow this chap, its not late to retrace your steps, you are still very young with a lot of things counting for you. pls go girl
    @Blueszy,15 yrs of blissful union and 19 yrs of faithfulness (thats the stuff legends are made of) to be thrown away because of a seeming crush? Dear friend, its not worth it, just like Nikki pointed out, this needs professional touch. I suppose you have initiated divorce proceedings against your husband, i wonder what will be his state of mind when you tell him you are no longer interested in divorcing him? am happy you mentioned that you are a Christian, please take your situation to The Holy Spirit for proper direction and cleansing. You can still get back to loving ways with your loving husband. good enough he has been moved to another building (how i wish the person i was involved with will be moved like this too………….lol..i would have totally healed by now). its obvious things are working in your favour right now. please delete all memories, texts etc of him. never again respond to his promptings(ready to be having sex you with while keeping his own family…what a cheeky fellow!!!!).
    Please seek all the advice you can get……..its well. cheers all

  44. @Blueszy: That’s great that you’ll get a break from your lover-it will give you a little time to heal. By the way; the reference to the 6 o’clock news didn’t mean I thought you were violent. I made the reference because both of you are married and one of your spouses may cause some type of confrontation-not pretty.I hope it all works out:)

  45. @Nikki…Thanks for your advise but you have me pegged differently. Maybe I didn’t write it down correctly. I am not like the 6 oclock news when I said I was afraid of what I might do I meant like yelling at him some more at work that would jeopardize my position I am to nice nature too do anything drastic. I am a christian woman, the fartherest i go is yelling. I feel guilty when I step on a bug. But I decided yesterday that I would not respond to anymore of his emails, texts or calls. And lucky for me I just found out he is being transfered to another building for a couple of months. So this is great news for me. It gives me the time I need for me to heal. I wont have to run into him at all. But I know that one day he will transfer back and I will have to see him again. But I will be prepared hopefully.

  46. Hi everyone-took a break from the forum because I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and keep my mind off of my ex-feeling better everyday. I notice a couple newcomers and when I read Blueszy’s post I became really concerned. Blueszy: Please get professional help now! You’re in way over your head. Situations like yours make the 6 o’clock news. Do you have health insurance? If you do see a psychiatrist and get him to recommend a leave of absence from your job.You need to cut off all ties with your lover. I know you say you love him but its easy to love someone when you see them at their best and see them for good-time trysts. Its not true love-just lust and fantasy-wanting something that we can’t have. You really risk ruining your life and three other lives(your husband/your lover/his wife) completely if you don’t seek help now. You’re in a situation that can only have a bad ending if you don’t get help soon. Good luck & God bless:)

  47. Hello Everyone…I am kinda new at this and I am in an emotional wreck. Here it goes I am married and have been for 15 years but have been together with my husband for a faithful 19 years. I have never cheated in my life and grew up as a type of person who frowned on cheaters. Until I started a new job and met someone who gave me butterflies. I kept my feelings under wraps for a year then one day out of the blue he asked me out on a date I turned him down…what was I thinking! Then he asked a second and then a third until I finally said yes. Did I forget to say he is married as well for 10 years. I feel like a horrible person but I couldn’t help my feelings of emotions I got when ever I heard his voice or saw him at work. I feel as though we are meant to be as we have so much in common and the love I feel with him when we are together is out of this world. Now after 6 months of hiding our relationship and sneaking around behind our spouses back I have fallen completely out of love with my husband and in total love with him he decides that cheating is not right now and that he has decided that he can’t give anyone a relationship until he is out of his. Now I know that is probably a smart thing for him to do. But he still wants to be friends with me and have sex. HELLO what is he thinking…..You are telling me that you trying to be in your steps of divorcing your wife and telling me that I give him all the comforts of being a woman. And of course he has said he loves me but then retracts it. He has me so confused I don’t know what is what anymore. I have been trying to do the friend thing for over 6 weeks now and I can’t handle it I so love him and I hurt every day I go to work. I even seen him talking with someone else and rage came over me and I approached him in front of another coworker and told him I was going to tell his wife about us. I know I did this very childlishly but the rage just assumed me. How do you control it at work? I am afraid of what I might do and the results of my actions will lead me to get fired. The worst part is that I have ruined my marriage for him. As I no longer have any love for my husband and have been in talks about a divorce as well. Any words of encouragement or advise would be great I need my job and the market is horrible where I live so leaving it because of him is not an option. How do I manage life at work then?

  48. So I’m trying so hard to be strong. Becuase I feel like.. Being in the situation that I am in.. With little support to help.. That not being string will kill me. And I has to learn to be happy on my own. But he came to my room the other day.. I feel like all the strength I had built up his gone. He told me ge still loved me.. And still cared about me but didn’t want to be with me. And he said he just wanted to be on his own or whatever. And that he was sorry for the things he said. Once again he broke my heart into a billion pieces. I hate him 🙁 I hate this situation he’s put me into.. I hate myself for coming to a different country for a boy.. And getting stuck out here. How can he say he loves me.. And do this to me. It’s so hard.

  49. hi guys, your comments helps me coping with the feelings i have right now. I know some of you wont like my story, but still, i want to share it with you. I had an affair with a guy who is 5 years committed with a girl. In other words, I am the 3rd party. We started as friends, but eventually, we become more than friends. I know its wrong, but it happened, I tried very hard to avoid the feelings and to avoid him. One time, we go out together, I got drunk, and we end up at bed. I thought its just a 1 night stand only. but one time lead to another. I know he loves his Gf, and I have the feeling that his just using me, my body. IT hurts me, when we’re together then, leave me alone because his GF texted him that they will met. Then, I decided to end up what ever relation we have, I told him that I’m hurting already. He just say “SORRY”. and since then, we don’t talk much. And I can see that he become closer to his GF because of me… It’s killing me, seeing him happy, while i’m bleeding inside!

  50. @SoSad: What a great quote! Thank you for sharing it:) I have really enjoyed reading all you guy’s posts-and Felix you’ve been exceptional as a real man sharing your true feelings(very brave). Now Im feeling a tiny bit sad because at some point the posts will get fewer and fewer but I realize that will be a good thing because it will mean we’re moving on from all of our hurt and pain. Can hardly wait for that day to come but really enjoying your company and comfort in the meantime:)

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