Working With Your Ex: When Going Cold Turkey is Not Possible


From co-worker to lover to co-worker – do you fit into this scenario? Creating deliberate distance from your ex is a key ingredient in the prescription for recovery. So what do you do when you still have to see them everyday at work? You utilize the unique solutions to combat the unique complications presented when working with an ex. In order to understand the techniques we offer, let’s first address the specific problems.

Problems Unique To Working With An Ex:

Undercover Lovers. Romances that develop at the office are often not made public. For various reasons – company policy, unwritten rules, negative connotations, extramarital status – people keep office relationships under wraps. The issue with any clandestine romance is that the break up is also concealed. Not that you want to send out announcements about your broken heart, but keeping your relationship private denies you the support from friends and co-workers that help you through this difficult time.

Contact Overload. Office relationships often come with lots of emails, texts, ims, and hallway looks. You are in the presence of this person all day and are experiencing the effects of “in sight and in mind”. Going from constant correspondence to normal communication can be grueling.

That Little Something Extra. Regardless of your level of professionalism with one another, when you are dating in the office, you always get a little something extra in your exchanges. Whether it is a wink in the hallway, an email with a smiley, or a special lunch together, there are often veiled signs of affection. After the break up, the extras vanish and this can be difficult to bear.

Mixed Signals. Sometimes the little something extras do not actually disappear as quickly as they should setting in motion a state of confusion. You may still get that special email, but there is no other sign of a reconciliation to come. Mixed signals will keep you in limbo. This neither gets you the relationship you seek with your ex, nor does it allow you to move forward.

TMI. One of the reasons that distance is required for the healing process is that having all the information about your ex such as their reaction to the break up or new dating prospects does not help your recovery. When you work with an ex, you just have too much information about all aspects of their post break-up life.

Give us Hope, Hope, Hope!

There is hope. Many of the issues endured when working with an ex are based on expectations and habits that remain on auto-pilot. We wait for that email and expect the that little something extra. We can’t get them off our mind because they are sitting in front of us. Well, we are going to teach you some methods to get rid of those expectations and habits. Soon your constant thought of walking past his desk or incessant impulse to check for her email will fade. You will build strength and move forward.

Lean heavily. If you fall under the category of a private romance with a private break up, lean heavily on someone outside of work that you can trust. Tell them everything. Use the community here to help you. We are not here to judge, we are here to help.

Change. You’ve probably had the experience of scent or a song triggering a poignant memory of a person or point in time. This is because our mind is like a filing cabinet that efficiently stores memories with certain associations. We have yet to unravel the mystery of all of the triggers; however, we do know that even the most mundane detail can generate an association to your ex – the angle of your computer, the scent of your office, etc. With this in mind, it makes sense to change some details and create fresh associations.

•    Rearrange your work space.
•    Place your computer in a different spot.
•    Change your pictures and knick-knacks.
•    Spray an unfamiliar scent in your office.
•    Drive a different route to work.
•    Walk a different path to your workspace.
•    Wear new clothes.
•    Talk to different co-workers.
•    Mix up your lunch destinations.

Email and other correspondence. Write down how you feel while waiting for his email or after receiving a disappointing text from her. Write it in code (if you have to) and put it on a post-it next to your computer, phone etc. Every time you want to send your ex a message, reference your post-it. If your urge overwhelms you, try the following:

•    Write an email. Yes, open a document and each time you want to send them a message, type it into this document. Record the time and the date and write it. Do not send it, just keep the document as a running trail. Review the document after a few weeks – we promise your urges will reduce in quantity.
•    Get raisins. If you hit “F5” fifty times an hour to refresh your screen, get a bag of raisins. Each time you want to hit refresh, eat a raisin instead. What you are doing is exhibiting addictive behavior and this technique helps to break it. Don’t not feel bad about it or reinvent the wheel, there are plenty of techniques to kill addictive habits and this is one of them.

Count before answering. It is of utmost importance to maintain your professionalism with your ex during the recovery process. While there may be a fleeting moment of satisfaction from throwing your swinger stapler at his head, we promise you will not feel good in the morning. Before answering any direct or indirect question to your ex, count to ten and ask yourself how your co-worker would respond. Respond in that manner.

Quit. Not your job, the game. Quit the game of sending and receiving inappropriate signals to and from your ex at work. If he or she winks at you in the hall, it is in your control to deny this signal. It is in your control to take a different route to the bathroom and reduce run ins at the office.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. You don’t need to discuss your personal life, nor do you need  find out about what your ex is up to. Do not fool yourself into thinking that finding out about his dating life or her weekend plans is providing you closure. Closure comes from within, from working through healing steps. Think of how you act with another colleague that you are not friends with at work – mimic this behavior with your ex.

You can do it. You were a working professional before this relationship and you can continue to be one. A unique challenge has been presented to you in this life. You will conquer it and when you come out on the other side, you will be better, brighter, and stronger.

Do you work with your ex? Perhaps you go to school with them or are still living with them- tell us why it’s hard for you to go cold turkey.

245 thoughts on “Working With Your Ex: When Going Cold Turkey is Not Possible”

  1. Hi all,

    I broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago, after a 6 month relationship at work. I’m glad its over because I knew it wouldnt work out in the long term, we had a strong attraction, but out personalities clashes and it eventually ended. What Im really struggling with is seeing her at work every day. Were currently doing the no contact rule, so were not even talking in the office, at all. She comes in a chats, laughs, flirts with everyone right in front of me, and it only makes me feel worse. More alienated from my colleages. Its like shes battling against me for attention with out colleages. Just seeing her and hearing her talk infuriates me. How do I move on when I have to see her everyday? Also we have the same friends and I dont want to any work events that she will be at, but she doesnt seem to care and just shows up and pretends eveything is fine. What to do? any help would be appreciated! Thanks

  2. It’s crazy how many people have felt the way I’m feeling now. I got involved with my colleague for 3 months after being good friends for 3 years. We always liked each other, but had boundaries because we were both married and in “happy” relationships. It was the most intense romance I ever have. We were texting each other all the time, talking, taking elevator rides to kiss for couple of seconds, going for a long walks, we had the best sex nights anyone can dream of, our chemistry was amazing. We are both married, he actually was separated and had filed for divorced to his alcoholic wife, and me in a really bad marriage thinking of getting divorce. I had the best 3 months of my life, we shared moments that I will never forget. I saw him as my perfect match, until he decided to go back to his wife because his kids needed their mommy and daddy together to be happy and told me he couldn’t be in a relationship with me. It hurts daily to see him at work, he begs me for a friendship, and think we can be better friends now because of the connection we have and we know more about each other. I want to be his friend but my feelings for him are really strong. I have trouble concentrating at work, and he doesn’t help because he tries to talk to me a lot and the way he looks at me tells me he is still likes me and have strong feelings for me. I wish there was something I could do to not feel this way. I miss what we had so much that I would give anything to BE what we are not.

  3. Feels good that I’m not the only emotional person (or rather fool) out there.

    Here is my story:

    She joined anew in my team (reporting directly to me). We started to hang out a lot, go drinking. I have never had such good time with a girl in a very long time. She makes clear she has a boyfriend, but would ignore him when with me.

    I realize and try to create distance but she won’t let me. She’d keep paying too much attention to me, and I was enjoying it. She’d even hug me, hold hands, kiss cheeks, give me a million dollar smile every time I saw her, in or out of office.

    She would often come to me to cry about various things she feels bad about, bf, friends, family etc.
    I tell her I like her and she should end her current relationship and be with me, she refuses as she can’t simply end a 3 year long relationship.

    I figure this would never work, so I start dating others to distract myself. I find this date, like her a bit and take her to a colleagues house party with half of my office present there (including her). I wanted to make an impression that if she goes sleeps with her bf everyday, I can very well date others with no problem.

    This is where things went real bad.

    She sees me with another girl (my date who is fairly attractive), and gets jealous. She takes her (date) on the side and asks her to stop seeing me as she herself likes me. She pulls me there too and starts kissing my mouth, literally in front of her (date) and in front of all my office people. I was more surprised than enjoying it, as to what does she want. She goes on the side, starts crying and people notice her, they call me. She said she wants to go back home, I offer her to drop her home (only 5 mins from that location).
    We make out a little on way back in my car and then she’s too drunk, puking and then sleeps in the car.
    I am having a hard time taking her out of the car in front of her place and my office people start calling me that I should take my date out of the party as she’s talking shit about me and taking her anger out on all my colleagues. I care more about this sleeping girl in my car, so I phone 2 of my best friends to go there pick her (date) up from the party and drop her back home, which they did. And I end up taking this girl back to my place where we just slept (nothing else).
    At this point I thought she has feelings for me, but she wakes up with nothing but regrets.

    Now, I have to see her in office every day, she has a new male best friend in office, smiling with him every day, and don’t know why it hurts me so much.

    I’m so bloody angry, I have to go out of office a few times a day to take a walk.
    Angry because I feel she played me, angry because she’s such a hypocrite (can’t be with me, can’t see me with someone else), angry because she’s happy as if I was a nobody.

    If someone can help answer:
    1) Where did I go wrong?
    2) Was I really a nobody?
    3) What kind of a person is she?
    4) How do I get over this anger?

  4. So I developed a friendship with a guy at work 11 years younger than me, I’m 37, he’s 26. I don’t drive, so he would drive me home almost every night. We had a lot in common, we laughed constantly, I could talk to him openly and honestly and I could just be myself. I have a daughter and I invited him to hang out with us for game night so he got to know her a couple times. I started really getting feelings for him and I was getting them hard. One night, he came over to hang out and i grabbed his hand and told him I liked him, we kissed. So we started seeing each other, on our second official date, we were drinking wine, and foolishly I told him I was already falling in love with him. He was really happy and said it back. He also confessed to me that night that he’s still a virgin but he wanted me to be his first. So I was patient and decided to give it a shot. We dated about a month and out of the blue one day he broke things off. He said I was moving too fast and he was uncomfortable. He then said “you said you loved me after the second time we hung out”. I reminded him that he said it back and he said he shouldn’t have. I told him it wasn’t really the second time as we were spending time together before actually dating. He made me feel like I was a crazy clingy type when I’m really not. We talked about it after a week of silence and agreed to be friends. I the found out he was talking to his friends at work about me in a bad way, and they told him stuff about me before we dated so he said to them that he should’ve listened to them. I confronted him about it and asked why he would do that. He just got really defensive, no apologies, nothing. Almost told me to eff off. I just remained level headed and calm, was just simply asking him why he was trash talking me. I don’t even know what they said about me as I’ve never talked to these guys before. The guy I was dating said they warned him I would do things which I did end up doing most of them, but he won’t tell me and I don’t get it because everything seemed to be going great and fun and then a couple days after a great date, he broke up with me. I have no clue why. So now we have to work together and it’s been 2 weeks of the silent treatment. He’s pissed at me for what? I think I’m the one that should get an apology. But I guess that’s what you get when you date someone so young with zero relationship experience. What do you guys think? Am I over reacting? Should I get an apology?

  5. It sure makes me feel less foolish when I ready everyone else’s comments here. I was close friends with my immediate work partner and his wife for over a decade Nothing ever went on for all those years, no innuendos, nothing. I felt nothing but brotherly affection and friendship for him. They separated and filed for divorce after she left him and I remained close friends with him and became his only confidant. We had many intense conversations including one where he told me he never had feelings for me and never would be attracted to me after a misunderstanding. At that point I told him we should just be business partners and nothing more — not friends — it was too much. That lasted about 4 months — very uncomfortable for both of us because we missed our friendship. He started to want to spend more and more time with me — dinners together at least twice a week, lots of phone calls and texts. About three months later, he came on to me sexually rather strongly and out of the blue — when I inquired how long he had felt this way, he said it was hard to say but I suspect for a long time. I should have backed out at that point — divorce not yet final — but instead found myself in a very intense physical and emotional relationship that lasted about 4 months. It ended completely abruptly after a wonderful weekend together — although he had treated me poorly from time to time during that period of time and there were red flags in retrospect — and he insisted that this was casual and for fun even though he clearly knew my feelings and behaved in a non-casual manner. He said it all became too confusing for him. Again, I should have walked away. He freaked out and I got hurt. He wanted “to stay friends and things to just go back to how they always were”. So, we have maintained a “friendship” and cordial working relationship since then — this was last spring. There have been periods of cold and cool behavior from him for months at a time — but then in October he told me that I was the person he felt closest to in his life. Recently his wife has been staying with him for financial reasons although the divorce is apparently proceeding — and I am left having to see him and work closely with him every day — we still go for meals out but all strictly platonic and he has not once made a single sexual reference to me after months of intensity. Neither of us can change jobs easily at this point. He seems to be fine with it all but I feel heartbroken and rejected every single day despite my best efforts to get over it and despite knowing that this situation is a disaster and I deserve way better in my life. Getting involved with him was the biggest mistake of my life and I can’t seem to get him out of my head because he is constantly present and we have to constantly be in touch. He seems to be able to tell when I become indifferent and start to move on — then he gets close again. It’s a horrible rollercoaster that should be easy to get off of but for some reason it’s just not. I don’t want to waste another year feeling heartbroken so trying every day to achieve indifference and move on.

    • Oh my goodness, I am almost in the same situstion. Except we work together and his new girlfriend is moving down to live and work here. It’s good to hear your personal account. Thank you. I thought I was going crazy.

    • Hi FeelingUsed – I would be curious to know how you are doing now. I could have written this myself…I am on the exact same roller coaster with the same kind of person. I would be open to communicating via email if you are. I hope to hear from you. Thanks!

    • I have been in a similar situation – what makes me feel better are those days with minimal contact. If I have too much contact with her, I leave work feeling shitty. Try to stay away as much as possible.

    • Oh my god, this is pretty much my life right now. My job is very important to me and I can’t just leave it, and although he “wants to be friends” he pretty much just drops breadcrumbs for me every once in awhile. I feel like my friend has died but I can’t mourn him because a self-centered, emotionally stunted, clique-ish boy has taken his place. When I’m at my limit and back away, he turns back into the guy I knew long ago and is nice to me (sorry, we’re still friends, right?). I’m just so angry that I keep allowing it because I pride myself on being a loyal friend even when someone is going through a very tough time. I excuse so much behavior from him, and it’s no wonder he doesn’t value me, he doesn’t have to. He knows I’ll always be there no matter what. He gets to find his happiness and I’m left holding a steaming pile of shit. I would go no contact and happily never talk to him again, but alas, he flashes a smile at me at work every once in awhile and I don’t know how to be cordial without being reminded that that smile used to mean something…now it’s just bullshit and manipulation, even though I know he doesn’t even know he’s being manipulative. There’s no conversation to be had; I’ve been trying and trying to resolve this like an adult but he always avoids and then wants to pretend like everything has been resolved. Well good for him. Anyway. At least I feel better seeing someone else echo my feelings.

  6. Wow, never knew so many people would be in the same boat!
    Started a new job and immediately hit it off with a girl who had started a few weeks before me. We flirted for a few months before we eventually had our first date. From then on we spent all day at work together and most weekends. It was never a proper relationship, we only slept together a few times, but I developed really strong feelings for her. After a few months she said she didn’t feel the same about me and I should move on. It was crushing, I have to see her everyday and we work very closely together. She still wants to be friends, how she thinks that is possibly is anyone’s guess.
    She is now seeing someone else and I’m left with an empty void. Seems ridiculous to feel like this seeing as we never ‘together’ but the pain of knowing she is with someone else is overwhelming.

    • This is the exact boat I am currently In.

      I started working at my company late last year and instantly hit it off with another member of my team. We got close and eventually I had to break up with my current boyfriend after cheating on him. This lead onto 2 or 3 months of seeing eachother all day, messaging all day and night and then having amazing weekends with him and his friends partying friday-sunday.

      I started to grow feelings and although he always said he didn’t want a girlfriend or any commitments I stupidly felt that I could change his mind set as he has never really hung out with a girl like me and for this amount of time.

      I have now ended it due to the fact he has said he will not make the smallest commitments and allow the relationship to be more on my terms as well as his. I feel sick everyday when I am at work and it makes me feel deeply depressed to have to constantly see him happy whilst I am dieing inside. Although it was only a few months it was extremely intense and now I am lost and empty without the happiness I felt before.

      To make matters worse he seems to really enjoy my company and stalks my social media giving me the impression that he still wants to me… just not anything more than what we were.

      It has got to the point where I want to quit and am struggling to even go about my normal routine especially as I have not been single since I was 16.

      🙁 dont know how to move on, I keep holding on to hope that he will change his mind.

    • Man, I’ve just had kinda the same thing happen. We never got physical, but close. Then she abruptly broke it off. It’s hard.

  7. Wow so many similar experiences. Mine was my boss. We both had recently separated from our spouses. We started hanging out. The connection was amazing. His ex got wind of it and moved back into his house. She started an emotional warfare canpaign. Sent the children suicide texts. Told them she was leaving because dad had a girlfriend. It was constant. She finally wore him down. He broke up with me on our anniversary. Now I see him every day, report to him and have to find a way to hide my pain.

    • Omg i am so sorry i am dealing with something similar . His ex is making things so hard doing the same. I dont know what to do. I flipped and said i deserved better and since then its been a mess. He is so normal at work spends his day chasing me then barely answers when he leaves we used to talk for hours. Its killing me.

  8. So, I guess it is my time to share – so ”happy” to find this site and to see that others have been through similar situations (and are willing to share)…

    I have been writing a lot (to myself) about my thoughts and experiences (because my mind was starting to play tricks on me), but here is a short(ish) version.

    10 months ago I discovered that I was falling in love with one of my staff members; 10 years younger than me. Since I am married (no kids) and she is married (two kids) I had no intention of it leading anywhere; actually I was quite annoyed and just wanted the feelings to go away.

    We got closer and closer, and my feelings for her grew stronger and stronger. At the same time my marriage suffered from me thinking about her 24/7. I also spent a lot of time trying to find subtle signs in her (many) mails, texts, way of talking to me etc.; signs that she might have feelings for me too.

    Six months after I discovered my feelings for her, we went to a seminar out of town, and we both planned it so that we would arrive a day earlier than the rest of the participants, and so that we stayed in the same hotel. To cut a long story short: we slept together and had the most wonderful evening/night/morning. I told her about my feelings for her, and she told me that she was having / starting to have the same feelings for me.

    After getting home from the seminar we sent tons of mails, texts, took long walks, talked a lot on the phone. Some conversations very sexual, some very emotional, a lot of them very confused – none of us knew what to do with these feelings, since we were both in relationships. Also we went to two parties at work which both ended with us having sex (at work).

    This went on for six weeks; she tried to stop it twice – for her it was very much about her children and her responsibility as a mother. In the beginning of the six weeks my gut feeling was that I didn’t want to leave my wife and that I didn’t want her to leave her children. But at the end of the period I was convinced that she was the one! And that I was willing to go through all kinds of trouble just to be with her. This I told her; I really offered my heart and my life! Unfortunately she – in a kind manner – said no; she had to focus on her children. She expressed herself in a way that showed her emotions for me (she now regretted our first night together, because she now knew that she had nothing to offer me, and now I would just get hurt (and she asked me to forgive her)).

    She is no longer in my staff – I helped her get a management position (at the same level as myself). But we still (have to) work closely together, physically sitting app 4 metres from each other in an open space office. It has now been 3 months since she turned down my “offer”. It hurts every day to see her, it hurts every day to think about going to work, it hurts every day thinking about her. I have cried SO much (while trying to maintain a “normal” relationship with my wife).

    I have had a few months where I – apart from my longing to be with her – didn’t think very nice things about her. I felt that she ignored me, that she didn’t recognize my existence, that she (deliberately) disagreed with me about everything. But I can now see that she has actually done her best to reestablish a healthy and professional relationship between colleagues, while I am the one who has tried to ignore her existence (and just wanted to talk to her about private stuff instead of professional stuff). She is the one who has taken all initiatives between us, while I just try to forget her.

    She honestly wants me to move on and get a better relationship with my wife again. But I can’t forget her; I am so sad, and now – 10 months after noticing feelings for her the first time – I am still listening to sad songs, reading sad stories and talking to a psycho therapist.

    Anyway, I am slowly starting to feel better (for example far less tears), but I have now decided that I need to find another job; I can’t see myself ever being able to have a healthy working relationship with her.

    I am writing this during my summer holidays – on Monday we see each other for the first time in a month – I fear this a lot!

    Do I regret our affair? No way! It has cost me a lot (my relationship with her (my favourite colleague), my marriage is not doing too well, I have for months been extremely sad, I have spent a lot of time and money with a psycho therapist, I have started smoking again). But our weeks together were the best time of my life, and if I had not tried my luck with her and committed fully to it, I would have regretted it forever.

    Thanks for reading – hope it can help somebody a bit; it has at least been good for me writing it.

    • Hi Bent,
      Thanks to have shared it. It has helped me a lot, at least not to feel like if I was the only one dealing with such a difficult situation.
      I wish you the best

    • Bent, thank you for sharing your story with the rest of us. I wish you the very best and I hope that your marriage gets better or you find another love to share you life with.

      Take care

    • Bent,

      Please contact me. I had almost the exact response to an affair with a coworker, though it went on much longer, and over a year later I am still not over her. Still working with her has been so brutal. I’d love to talk.

  9. My story is different from the rest. I am the boss that had a torrid affair with a much younger employee. I am in a very bad marriage with no physical contact for 4 years. I have been very careful to never do such a thing but I broke down and met my employee in a hotel one evening. It was supposed to be a one time thing. However I felt a connection to him and this went on for 6 weeks. Probably the best sex I ever had or so it felt that way. He too said he loved it. He is also married as his wife is in another country and they haven’t seen each other in 5 years. He has a girlfriend here and 2 weeks in he told me he just found out she was going to have his child in 6 months. This made me want him more as I seem to want things I can’t have. He was very into me showing me affection and attention that I hadn’t received in years. I was obsessed with him. He asked me to wait for him for 1 year until the baby came and left to his country. After that year he would have more time and make me very happy. I knew this was all a fantasy but I couldn’t let go. 5 weeks ago he told me he was breaking up with his girlfriend because she always wanted to fight with him and I said be careful because she is pregnant. The opposite happened. He started to cool things down with me. I didn’t react well and it’s been an on and off again fight. We are totally done and it’s killing me inside. I am obsessed and can’t get him out of my head. Truthfully he has nothing to offer me, he’s lied, he has a wife and a girlfriend with child and they all come from the same town. His problems are big and I was the extendable. I took 2 weeks off from work and when I got back he looked at me with lifeless eyes that said your nothing to me. I am the boss and I don’t know how to handle this. I have been lied to many times in the past but he was very into me but it’s over now. I don’t know how to run my business any longer nor do I know how to act around him. I know it was never for keeps but I created this fantasy of leaving with him in a year to get my mi d away from my poor marriage and financial issues. Please someone help . Tell me how I continue in my business and look at this person like he doesn’t matter to me. I need him out of my head and stop obsessing. Please help me

  10. Everyday at work is complete torture. It all started at a work Christmas party. She was relatively new to the job and she was insanely gorgeous. I had never had much interaction with her but after s few drinks at the bar, something just seemed to spark and there was this crazy attraction. We ended up hooking up that night but not having sex. it was the most passionate kissing I had ever experienced. We were crazy about eachother for over a year at work. We would take elevator rides sometimes just so we could kiss for 10 or 15 seconds. I could not stop thinking about her. She is the perfect girl. She is smart, funny, loves sports, loves animals. She watches all the same movies and shows that I like. We have everything in common. I had to tell her how beautiful and fantastic she was all the time. We were both currently in bad relationships and felt that we were stuck. After a while she began to realize that neither of us were going to leave our relationships and things began to fade. About a month went by and I hadn’t had any physical contact. I IM’d her and told her that if I didn’t kiss her I might die. She said she wasn’t ready for that anymore. I knew at that point I had lost her and it hurts so bad. I never planned on falling for someone at work. I still can’t believe this happened. She sits right in front of me and it is unbearable. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I love her but need to get over her. This is going to last a while.

  11. I was glad to come across this site because I wanted to share.

    My story is a little different. I was/am in a relationship with my business partner. We were together for 6 years. Started the business a year and a half ago. Our relationship was a little rocky at the time but we were working through things. In my mind we would have a little rough patch and move on like always. We worked really hard and the business hit the ground running. Things weren’t going so well between us.

    He held a grudge against me for being close to my old co-worker. Nothing ever happened between us but we had a good friendship. He thought I shouldn’t have that kind of friendship with another man. I of course see his point and try to agree with him. But it doesn’t help that I say “sorry”. He starts going out with his friends a lot. Then I find out he is not where he said he was going. He was hanging out with other girls and lying about it. He says he is only doing the same thing I did with my co-worker…being friends. So, as you can guess that did not go over well. All this time the business is growing.

    We play nice for our customers. But some times while on job sites it was a nightmare. Fighting and crying behind the sense. We lived together and would have to drive to the same place in different cars. Waisting a lot of money in gas.

    Four month ago our lease was up so we decided to move to different places after living together for over 5 years. That was really hard. He got his place first so I was let to clean up the apartment. Cleaning up 5 years of living with some one all by yourself was heart wrenching. Its done now. I just finished unpacking and sorting our stuff the other day. It is kind of nice have my own place by the beach.

    That brings us to the situation at hand. We have this amazing business that has grown faster than ether of us had dreamed. But we were suppose to be together, a team. Not working in separate home offices 30 minutes away from each other. I end up having to go to his house a lot because that is where the equipment is. So we are single or separated or something. “But not looking for other people.” I can’t get a clear answer out of him. And of course the kicker we can help but still hook up. We still love each other. We just can’t get a long together after a while. I’ll spend a couple days there and by the end of my stay we are driving each other crazy. Every time I leave I cry.

    I’m not sure where to go from here. We both want to keep the business going. We are in it 50/50. I can’t move on because I have to talk to or see him several times a day. It’s not like I can just take a earlier lunch or walk down a different hallway to avoid him. I call him first thing in the morning to go over the days schedule. And last thing at night to set up the next day. He is as sweet as can be sometimes and others he so mean. I never know what I’m going to get.

    If you have some advise on the situation I’m all ears. Other wise it helps just talking about it. Thanks for reading!

    • Hi. I know this post is old. But your response spoke to me cause I’m in the same situation right now. We have a thriving business but the relationship part just ended. This hurts so much and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep working together. I don’t know how not to give this man my all. I hope you see this. I’d love to hear how things are now for you.

  12. I remember the first time I saw my ex fiancée I was at work and a new girl was at her desk and from then on i was smitten, never before have I met such a beautiful woman and got on so well with her. Eventually on a night out I asked her out and we met up and the romance began straight away. At the beginning it was perfect, passionate, loving, fun, everything you could want or need. This carried on for about 14 months and we then moved in together, another 6 months and I asked her to marry me at which she said yes. At this point I was still working with her. Then it began to fade away. I kept trying to make her happy in the relationship but to no avail. She ended up leaving me and moving out about 8 months after we got engaged. I still work with her and we decided to stay friends and get on very well however now 1 month after leaving me she has started a new relationship with someone else in the office. I can bare seeing them together, going off for lunch together, little talks and laughing, all the things we used to do. My ex is very happy now and I am happy for her but I just can stop feeling hert every time I see them together, I still love her and I do want her happy but seeing it in my face is so so painful.

    • Wow…..I have just about the same (or at least very similar story): met girl at work, our first, coffee date ended up lasting all night long….from there, we had 18 months dating exclusively–seemed like we were made for each other, in a way I’ve never experienced before. I bought a house late this past summer, we were set to move in with each other. Actually, I had gotten the ring already too, but was going to wait 4 months until her birthday to surprise her, and also give us a little time living together.
      That’s when–like you say, it began to fade away: with me, it was the stress of trying to close on the house, move 37 years of crap out of my (deceased) parents’ house where I had been living, and dealing with my brother, who had been living with me. I asked her for her patience, but my dumb move, was that I wanted to get things ‘handled’ so we would be ready to start a new chapter in our lives together–gonna do it all myself, instead of including her in the process…..I asked to her to patient, but she read this, as my not being sure I wanted her to be with me….and a month later (Sept 2015), she dumped me, saying ‘we would be better as friends.’ I tried several times to approach her about getting back together, but she was polite but insistent we were now ‘just friends.’
      Then seven weeks after she dumped me, I see her talking to a co-worker in a back corner, and her body language is exactly how it used to be with me–and I knew. Same thing like you said: HURTS so bad to see them together talking, going to lunch…..all the things her and I used to do! She is very happy. She is also sweet, and told me she was ‘not proud’ of dumping me, and cried about it back when we split up…..but now three months later, she says I should be over it, she’s ‘moved on’ and she is now indifferent to me.
      We live in a small city—so EVERYWHERE I go, is someplace we used to go, or has some meaning related to our relationship. She actually lives only about seven miles from me. She even came over to my new house, for the breakup talk–stayed three hours–so even every inch of the house, has a memory of her in it, too. I almost can’t stand it.
      I thought it was interesting how your ex started a new relationship just a few weeks after leaving you, just like my situation. People at work, are trying to tell me it’s a ‘re-bound’ relationship–maybe:it IS a new relationship. But her new man, is very similar in temperment to me (and so is ALSO a good fit for her!) That kills me too…as you said, I love her & want her happy. But it just rips me up, seeing her doing each step of building a relationship, with HIM now….while I stand watching, irrelevant to her now.

      I was wondering: my ex told me she ‘wasn’t feeling butterflies’ any more, and it felt like ‘we were in a rut’ and it ‘seemed like it was a chore for me’ to spend time with her…..was that similar to what happened with you? What made it ‘fade away’ in your case? For me, I felt like we were moving past the infatuation/’honeymoon’ phase of the relationship, and into the real meat-and-potatoes of building something long-term. I was totally on-board for that. I might not have communicated that, all the time. What happened with you two, if I can ask?

      • Hi,
        I came across your post on the website about how you deal with working with someone you dated. It sounds like a kinda just like mine. Like when you said you see them talking to a co-worker in the back corner and her body language is the same as it was when you were with her. For me I asked her about it and she said they’re just friends and nothing romantic. But her and I were just friends too before we started dating. We were on a breakup but we still continued to do our lunch dates and we started holding hands again and I went in for a kiss one day and got denied. that put me in a whirlwind of emotions and noticed her talking to that guy. Since then I tried to get a lunch date with her and she said yes but next day she called off. Texted me saying she called off with a migraine and stomach hurt. still texted but seemed off. I asked her to a lunch date again and she said sorry can’t. I then asked for a weekend date and never responded. I texted her after work asking if she thought about it and no reply. I then sent a text asking if we could talk. She then texted me saying she felt more like good friends and not feeling romantically and didn’t know why. She says she still wants to be friends but understands if I can’t. she then sent another text saying “I can honestly say this has nothing to do with (co-worker) we are just friends I didn’t want you to think otherwise if you were” I still asked to talk to her and were planning on meeting up. I just want to get some closure on what happened.
        How did you deal with working with her everyday? I find it awkward cuz I see her and we don’t talk like we used to and it hurts. It’s more of a like “Hi” and “Hi” back you know what I mean. I still have to go to her for things but get nervous when I have to. I know I need to distance myself from her to make her forget about me. I still want to be with her, but I don’t know how to do that. Are you still working with your ex and how did you handle it?

  13. It’s none of the above.

    What gets to me is he is really crappy to worlk with, it is no less frustrating, no less chaotic, no less aggravating. Trying to stay professional in an unprofesional work environment where he is the ‘boss’ haha lol – is really difficult

  14. Hi, I have a similar issue, I met my ex fiancée at work and instantly fell for her, I eventually asked her out and we got together. In the beginning it was amazing, perfect even, passionate and loving. Everyone at work know we where together and we where the kind of Brad and Angelina of the office. Things where perfect we moved in together and we got engaged. We even had an engagement party in which a lot of members of staff where invited. However things took a turn for the worse and now months down the line we have split. She has moved out and I now live alone. 3 weeks later another co worker has began to start dating her. Me and my ex are friends still and have a good work relationship. I am worried that now she is with a new man that it will become to difficult at work to see them both together all the time. I want her to be happy and so I am ok that she is dating him but seeing it all day feels like a gut wrenching feeling. I am still not 100% over her and now this on top is difficult to handle and not sure what to do. I don’t want to loose her as a friend.

  15. Just wanna pour the story coz, yes, true, I can’t tell anyone as this is a very secretive relationship and full of shame.

    Years ago, I married a man who I never truly love, although he is very kind and understanding to me. Yes it was stupid, I was so horrible, and I’m the worst woman ever to be able to let the marriage continued and all but with many considerations, especially of how my family push me psychologically to marry soon as I’m the youngest daughter, I couldn’t help it.. I couldn’t cancel or say no..

    In the midst of wedding preparation I actually fell in love with a co worker who is much younger than me. We had fun together and we were so comfortable to each other. I felt like he was my first love and despite my age, I felt younger and more alive and felt like “oh, so this is how I supposed to love someone, unlike my fiance”. However nice his attitude to me, until my wedding day he kept insisting that he couldn’t accept me as a lover. This is why I decided without looking back to him that I will continue the wedding and convinced myself that I will have a beautiful marriage life with my husband.

    However things are getting worse with my husband, especially when he knows that I once liked this co worker. Aside of this issue, we also fought a lot about our different point of view, and worst is I can’t do any sexual things with him because I went frigid every time he touched me. More problem ensued as gradually this coworker showed signs that he started to love me, and of course, I responded positively. To make things clear, I told my husband that we should end this unhealthy marriage nicely and he agreed. In one year, we ended the spouse relationship.

    However, from the moment before I started divorce process until it finished, I didn’t feel much affection from the coworker. I thought my decision to end my marriage will, at least, make him more determined to love me and get me. but, even until now we don;t have any anniversary or anything. I felt like, the one who said “I love you” or “I miss you” the most is me, and I mostly the one who said it first…

    I gave him many presents, he thanked me of course.. but he doesnt seem to appreciate it a lot, or even wear or use those gifts… we argue a lot because of our culture, racial, and religion diference sometimes.. and he always prioritize work over me. I kept my eyes closed to these things, I backed off every time we argue, and let him win, while it should be me who need more understanding and affections, especially because i’m going thru heavy divorce process and family judgements… but mostly he just listen to my anxiety then change the topic easily like it was nothing… he sometimes also talk about his problems in work and expect that I listen nicely, but how can I? considering that he never really listen to me..

    i’m tired of this condition, so one day I cried heavily in front if him and explain everything inside my mind and ask, whether it was only me who look forward to work our relationship until marriage or not, and he said yes he want to make it forever… i still feel it was a lie, but he keep convincing me that if he don’t love me, he wouldn’t even able to kiss me or let me stay over in his place. Despite this convincing sentence, he also said things like he gave me nice working review, always promote good things about me to my boss and other shitloads related to work but of course I dont need that…

    After that our relationship become cold. One day, I stopped talking or texting him completely, letting him busy with his work until he realized I dont search for him anymore but.. he just go on, he didn’t care, he realized fully that I intentionally silent to him but he let me be.. he didnt ask why, he didnt wonder.. at all.

    already several weeks since the silence between us started, and it hurts so much when I have to start talking to him because i dont have any other choice, he is my coworker. i dont know what i should do at this point. some of my friends said i deserved one last fight or argument or explanation whatever it is, although i fully sure its the end of us. but i can’t help, i dont have anymore strength to even start texting him. my heart is already broken enough, my dreams are all shattered in pieces, my vision of me marrying him, having a small house with our kids are breaking my mind. I was so ready to fight for our relationship, knowing that there will be many ppl who wont accept us together, but he wont do the same.

    I really need help while I keep praying to God for His guidance…

  16. He told me about an ex he dated for four years and how she got engaged so he started looking for new love. We work together, we hanged out a lot and to some extent got intimate. At some point I realized I might be played, because I see him most times texting her and all. After going back and forth I realized I was being played so I ended it. It’s been so hard because I just can’t figure out why you will want to play a colleague. I don’t want to quit so I am trying to be strong and the most hurtful thing now is how he told me to my face of how he intends proposing to her in December. I felt so crushed but I hope you can help remain strong and professional and get through this phase. Thank you

  17. I had dis gal was goin out wit for 2yrs.we wer madly n lv wit eachoda dat we tort we wer d second Adam nd eve buh unfortunately tins wernt ad we plannd it.early 3rd yr tins starts getting awry nd dat hit d nail on its head.we got n to crios argument dat results to hapu,d a secnd tym nd trust me it was worse Dan d first. Unknown to me she was seein someone else nd I dint know.. nw she says she s no nor interests n me CUs of my past deeds.i tryd to talk her n buh she insist dat am not d one made for her……we work n f same office nd bliv me its rili hard trying to cope without her..pls hw do I go bout it?

  18. I am so glad I found this site. My story is somewhat different as I didn’t realize until 4 years down the road he was a covert narcissist and I was totally played. I had just started with the company, after being laid off for several years and several hardships along the road, needless to say I wasn’t feel all that good about myself. He is the HR director, and came on to me hard and fast. Mind you he’s been married for 20 some odd years, told me the usual stuff, the marriage was no good, couldn’t afford to divorce, etc. All the while “love bombing” me with you’re so wonderful, wish I had met you before I married, I’ve found the love of my life, etc. Well, once he knew he had me on the hook, he started with the little negative comments, flirting with the other women in the office just the same way he did me. I was so confused and felt used. It was hard, as I blamed myself for being so stupid, and my self esteem went down hill, but I was determined to pull through. I still have to work with him, and have had to watch him try and get me upset but I’ve learned to go “gray rock”, I don’t respond in anyway to anything he says or does. I keep it strictly work related. To be honest I don’t think he knows how to deal with that. He’s blown up a few times over little things, but not directed at me as I think he knows I’m in the stage now that I have no problem blowing his cover. He is also saying and doing stupid things that makes no sense to anyone in the office. So as I go along I’m finding it easier and easier to see him for what he really is and not what he wanted me to see which is total slime. I’m hoping all of you find that inner strength and self esteem to keep your heads high, as it will get better.

  19. So we started dating and it was kept under wraps. We broke up because when we started dating, he was separating from his wife so he went back for his child. It’s been a year and at first during our breakup, he kept contact with me and continued saying he loved me and it wouldn’t work with her. Well he was right it only lasted a month. At first we were still in the stage of I miss u and love u stage and then when I brought us up as a couple he got upset and began to ignore me. We had many arguments after that and hurtful words were exchanged. I feel manipulated and he deny using me to get promoted. He now says he has a gf so I feel as though I was used and only there to boost his ego. He even told me I gave him confidence that he was good enough. Problem now is we work together side by side and there is no way to move or change jobs. I want to get over him but have no idea how. He also won’t give me back momentos I made for him which makes zero sense, but I want this agony of sadness to go away. I miss him still and even love him. He says lets go with the flow? What does that mean?

  20. We dated and he denied it. Sucks to see him everyday at the office. Specially he’s moved on so fast. When he’s mot around I’m OK but when i saw him last Friday with his official gf, I almost died. Damn. I need to get an new job and environment.

  21. As I write this comment I just finished crying my eyes out in front of my now ex girlfriend and co-worker. We were together off and on for the past 2 years with the last year being really intense. I was ready to marry her because she was all I ever wanted in a woman. This past Friday, after some prompting from me, she revealed that her and her ex-boyfriend were trying to work it out and get back together. She had been with and lived with him for 11 years. During our relationship he was somehow always in the background. It seems to be a cultural thing. She’s from Ecuador and I’m a Black man from America. When we were together I was the happiest man in the world and I was looking forward to marrying her and having children. We even went so far as to name our ‘son’ whenever he was born! We went on a cruise, lots of weekend getaways, wonderful nights and weekends at home. I couldn’t have been more content. Well, as we got deeper, she realized that she couldn’t include me with her larger family because of our racial and language differences. I was willing to try anything because I love her with all my soul. I was willing to learn Spanish so that I could communicate with her family and also become Catholic. Officially, we broke up in December of 2014 but would still fool around with each other, make love, go out, etc. She felt that she couldn’t get me out of her system and I felt the same. The last time I made love to her was in June of this year, which was a month ago. As we work together, she sits right outside of my office and comes into my office everyday to store her food in my personal refrigerator or use my micro-wave. Up until last Friday, I could touch her, tell he I loved her, comment on how sexy I thought she was, etc but now, she tells me that I can’t do that anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to get over her when I see her every single day. I really need some professional help because I’ve never felt this way after a breakup before and I don’t know what to do. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I’m severely depressed. Short of leaving my six figure job, I don’t know what else I can do to get past this. She tells me how much she cares for me and that she has these bouts of tears as well but she just does it in private. I’m in so much pain.

  22. It stinks really. An office affair. She was married, I was married. The attraction undeniable. From friends, to admirers, to best friends to lovers. It took 6 months of attraction before taking the leap. We fell in love. We spent holidays…during work hours together. We had our holidays together outside of our marriages. We made it work.

    In the end, I wanted more. In the end, she liked the lifestyle she lived. It wasn’t a monetary thing, I made far more than her husband. It was college friends and family and yearly events that she didn’t want to give up. I was told a hundred times I was the man of her dreams. I made things real in her life she didn’t know existed. I was her everything. Which became our word more than love. We said “everything” to each other.

    I see her every day. It has been 6 months. I am still heart broken. I hurt every day watching her move on like it was no big deal. Calling me dude like she calls every other guy.

    I want to move on. Which is why I looked for this site. I am tired of being in pain. I want to hate her to make it easy but all I do is find myself angry and depressed and sending love messages on occasion. Which go unreturned.

    • I know how it feels man. It’s really tough to come into work and be productive. I went through the same kind of situation and continue to go through it here at work. Best advise is to keep your mind focused on things other than her. I keep a post-it on my cpu that says “be positive or be silent”. Positive thoughts help me get through the day. Be strong.

  23. So I hooked up with a co-worker and got into a casual relationship but had to end it because I fell in love and he said he’s not ready. A few minutes before I gave the “let’s end this” speech, I confessed my feelings then got rejected and cried. I have never said the “L” word nor cried before so it was the most embarrassing moment of my life. The next time we saw each other I cannot look at him because of the embarrassment which he probably took as I am ignoring him so he followed suit which made everything a lot more awkward. We have a really tiny workplace and our friends don’t have any idea what is going on so we ended up still hanging out but not talking and not looking at each other’s direction. I’m definitely quitting and moving to a different city but that won’t be until April of 2016 so I have no idea what to do.

  24. Started a new job- physically attracted to a coworker who felt the same. Only problem is, we are both married. We decided to go forward and hang outside of work. During work we would secretly hug, kiss, and touch. 2 months later- we still have not had sex bc he states that he thinks too highly of me and he does not want me to risk my family. He does not have any kids- just a wife who he has cheated on for the past 3 years. He now wants to be faithful to her and work on his marriage as he is not in love with her. He married her bc her parents forbid her to marry him bc he was not Bosnian or Muslim so he this sparked his interest to marry her. He recently pushed me away and told me we will never be together again. This has totally broke my heart. I care about him and I feel that he started having feelings for me as well. I would have continued the affair with him- no strings attached but he does not want to. We are both nurses and we work together sometimes. It is so hard going into work and seeing him. He still looks at me like he wants me. He has told me he has resisted the urge to sleep with me. I don’t know how to go on at work seeing him. The other nurses at work found out about us a month ago. Some have chosen not to speak to me. I don’t know how to stop my feelings for him!

  25. I really just need to get this off my chest. I started a new job in October and by November was dating one of my co workers. Everything was going great (no one at work knew anything except that we always flirted with each other) we got pretty close pretty fast, should’ve been my first red flag, but one morning I had spent the night at his place I woke up after he did and went out to the couch and we were just snuggling and cuddling and he got up to make breakfast and I was using his ipad which is connected to his phone so when he gets a text it pops up on the computer, all of a sudden a text pops up from a girl and it says good morning sunshine, I didn’t really think to much about it and even told him the message he just got, well I accidentally clicked on the message trying to get it off the computer screen so I could go about what I was doing and I see she was actually responding to a good morning message he had sent her. So while I’m laying in his bed he’s texting another girl. I didn’t allow myself to blow up or do anything crazy it’s not like we were exclusive and I never thought we were but he also never gave any indication he was talking to other girls, and the things he was saying to me you would never think he was interested in other girls. We ended up having a long conversation and he told me she was just a friend and that right now he was putting all his energy and everything into me, he doesn’t do well with relationships but he was excited to see where things could go between us but scared because he hadn’t felt this way about someone in a long time, he felt that we could actually have something, and he would never just have someone over to his house and he would never leave a girl in his house if he wasn’t there (which I did every weekend) he would never let a girl get ready for work at his place and he would never give them the key to his place and ask them to lock up, all of those things he did with me. That next week his family was in town and he was off work all week, I ended up having a medical scare during this week and him and I became so close during this week, he texted me all day and told me how much he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again. Well after that week he all of a sudden became very distant, I ended up going out one night and having too many drinks I called him and asked him why he was being distant, why weren’t we hanging out anymore. I woke up the next morning feeling like an idiot and texted him and apologized and we talked about it and he said it was no big deal, I was drunk don’t worry about it.

    So we dated for about 2 months and then one day he says the whole thing with me going through his phone and the phone call I made when I was dunk, he thought maybe we should slow things down and just be friends. I wasn’t happy about it but didn’t raise a stink or anything and things at work went back to how they were before we were flirting and still talking or texting everyday and still hanging out (we never slept together) then right around Christmas I found out he was talking to at least 4 different girls (he doesn’t know I know about all these girls) about meeting with them, going out with them and I realized he was a complete player. Trying to make a long story short here. I was ablsolutely crushed, I never told him I found out about all these other women but I guess my friend did text him and just kind of went into best friend defensive mode about “I saw you two together, I saw how much you liked her and I saw how you made her feel special, why would you do this to her especially knowing you have to see her everyday at work?” he responded and said he meant everything he ever said to me and he didn’t know what she was talking about. When I found out what happened I texted him and apologized for her doing that and he ignored me. Basically what ended up happening is he’s putting it all on me, he’s pissed at me, he called me about a week after all this happened and just went off on me, stating can’t you see how bad you did me wrong? why can’t you just admit how you hurt me? Then he tried to say you know we were never dating right? You get that right? Just being a complete ass. We ended it saying we’ll just act like none of this never happened.

    So now at work at first he completely ignored me, I would say good morning and have a good night and he would just totally ignore me, so I did the same thing. Then one day while I was in the bathroom he came out and asked my other 2 coworkers if they wanted anything from dunkin donuts (getting coffee for each other was sort of our thing together, I would always get him one on lunch or he would bring me one on his way back to the office) I came out from the bathroom he was still standing there and he didn’t say a word to me, then tried to be all mission impossible about what he was doing. I spent my lunch break that day crying because he went out of his way to hurt me in that one and I didn’t understand it. A couple days after that he was up at my co workers desk (we work in an extremely small office in fact him and I can see each other from our desks) which is right next to mine and him and I were laughing and joking with each other and I went to lunch thinking ok maybe we can at least be cordial and make work bearable. Well I guess right after I went to lunch which was maybe 20 minutes after we were laughing and talking he asked my coworker why I was ignoring him and being mean to him. I guess my co worker just said are you kidding me? You’re the one ignoring her and being mean to her, I’ve seen her try to talk to you several times and you just walk right by her, or you walk past her desk and look the other direction, I guess he just said oh no I don’t ignore her, I’m not mean to her. I wanted to text him after I found out about that conversation so badly because I figured that’s probably what he wanted. I’ve been trying to NC as much as I can with working together. Well yesterday my other 2 co workers were at lunch and he came up while he was on the phone and asked me where they were I said they’re at lunch is there something I can help you with? And he walked away and then turned around and said yea I guess. And I couldn’t help it but I said omg you actually have to talk to me and he mumbled something under his breath about I’m trying to act like you don’t exsist or trying to act like nothing happened something along those lines. It’s not like I was in love with the guy although I was starting to have extremely strong feelings for him, but this is just so hard having to see him everyday and him behaving this way towards me, on monday he was talking with me on tues and today he acts like I’m not even here. So I’m trying to do the same but of course this morning I had to talk to him. He just looks at me with such hatred and disgust when he has to talk to me. I was thinking of having a conversation with him about it but I know he would just ignore me. I’m having the hardest time with this. I hate having to see him everyday and I don’t understand why he’s playing these games. I’m trying to get to the point where I don’t care but it’s just so hard.

  26. Hello everyone.
    I want to share my story, because I have no one to vent to believe it or not. I just moved half the way across the planet. I started working, and I met this girl. She was my supervisor, she always approached me and talked to me and always hinted that she wanted to get personal.

    At first I thought to myself, no don’t do it, she is older by 6 years and she is more superior than you. But then she started getting nice, we started talking just as friends and she used to call me at night just to chat. I started getting a little easier and more outgoing. At some point in time 3 months into knowing her, she calls me at night while she is drunk, and starts telling me how good looking she thinks I am and how she likes my honesty and mentality, and that she hopes I feel the same way. I replied while being honest that I like the type of person she is. And then after that we kept on getting closer and come a until she became my girlfriend 4 months in from knowing her.

    We started getting more serious, I actually liked who she was it was very fun times, we went out all the time I tried new stuff with her and vice versa, we had awesome sex, everyday was a new thing. The best thin was at work we had everything, it was so much easier, I helped her with her tasks she helped me with mine. To the extent we both got a raise and a promotion, she went to general supervisor and I took her supervisor position. Everyone at work loved us, of course the management team never knew anything but everyone under us was so nice and cool about it.

    And then it all started, she started getting jealous of every single move I do. Any woman I talk to even the cashier at the mall she gets jealous. She always fights about it, everyday it’s the same thing on and on. I changed for her, didn’t talk to a single female, never interacted with the other sex even as part of daily routine. I did it because I started growing emotions for her. And so did she to be honest and I felt she just needed time to show them properly.

    An then she moved in, at that point we were 7 months in. Life got easier we could afford more stuff, we bought a TV, a brand new bedroom, we were saving u for a car. Then the fights started again and they would go on for day if not weeks, I always fixed it. She always starts drinking and running from the house and I have to chase her. I even trapped myself with her at work and at home I was with her literally 24/7 for 5 months, I didn’t even see other humans if she wasn’t in my company. And I always would fix it in hopes of one day she might change, not saying we didn’t have our good times, it’s just that the bad times were alot more. And for some reason I held on, maybe because I had no one but her. And she made me feel happy.

    About 16 months in, I reached my breaking point. I asked her to have a serious talk with me and I talked in the nicest way possible. I told her that we either need to take a break some time off, just to get rid of the negative feelings just so we can eat back to normal and stop fighting. I told her we needed to do this because I don’t want us to go crazy. She would accept that choice, she wouldn’t even talk. So I took a minute to think and then asked her if she had a better solution. Of course she didn’t reply. So I said if it’s not a time out of break then I don’t know what would fix it because we tried everything and I really want to fix it.

    She said she wants to fix it but she doesn’t want to do anything so I said we either take a time out, I’ll sleep on the couch if she likes or we have to break up because we would be harming ourselves otherwise.

    Upon hearing that she immediately took a piece of glass, broke it, and tried to slit her wrists I stopped her. Then she ran to the washroom, locks the door and took a pair of scissors and started cutting herself. I broke the door down and took the scissors away. She started yelling as loud and she could “help me” “help me!”, I immediately stopped and told her to come down. I stood there and let her take a breath. I went to get some gauge for her wrists luckily she didn’t cut deep enough. I turned around and she runs out of the door with a knife. I ran after her in my Boxer shorts and it was -10C I called the police while I was searching for her. Found her hiding and trying to cut herself as the police got there. I told them what happened and that I need help because I don’t know what to do. They talked to her and helped her out. And then he said she wants to break up because I called the cops so long story short she took her stuff from he house and left.

    She disappears from work for 3 weeks comes back. And since then she has made my life miserable, work has been so hard, she gives me double the work of supposed to do daily, and she can do that by policy but it’s killing me. She treats me like shit. I can’t afford leaving this job because it so great and pays well. But I can’t take her. I tried talking to her, apologizing for anything wrong I did, tried telling her that we can be friends or at least act professional she wouldn’t even listen to a word I say.

    I don’t feel right when someone hates me. I’m okay with indifference but not. Hate because hate is visible and very negative.

    I have no one else to vent this to guys, family was murdered in a war when I was 16 and I just moved half the way across the globe and I only know her or people from her side. Help if any would be appreciated.

  27. Thought maybe if I got my story out it would help me. Same situation started working at a new company noticed this guy instantly, we flirted back and forth until finally one day he gave me his #. We started talking and texting all the time, until finally one night he jokingly invited me over to watch a movie and I accepted from that point forward we hung out every night, I spent the night at his house every night got ready for work there and then we’d go to work and act like nothing was happening. We didn’t have sex he said he really liked me and that sex always complicates things so he wanted to wait. I couldn’t get over this nagging that he was a player, he would leave me at his house when he would go to work elsewhere on weekends and I found an old phone of his so I of course snooped and there were tons of girls in this phone but I chalked it up to it being an old phone, but he kept accusing me of being a player which should’ve been my first clue usually when you accuse someone you’re the one actually doing it. Anyways the week of thanksgiving he had his family come into town and was off work, I ended up having a little medical emergency during this week and him and I got closer than ever, he was saying he would take care of me and I could come with him etc…hee was calling me baby and sweetie and I should let you know the day his family came into town we had a discussion about us and he told me he really liked me but had reservations because we work together and that he doesn’t do well in relationships because of his past and usually what happens is he hangs out with a girl for a month or so they get really close and then the girl wants more and he doesn’t so he ends up looking like an ass, I told myself that day I’m walking away because if I keep this going I’m going to get hurt, I was already starting to fall hard for this guy, but then we had that week where we got do close I thought maybe this could develop into something which is what he said would happen. Well the day his family left I didn’t hear from him all day and I couldn’t figure it out because he had been telling me how much he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. At that point he started to get distance so the next weekend was our Christmas party and I ended up getting drunk and calling him on the way home asking why we weren’t hanging out anymore etc (stupid move I know) but I apologized the next morning and he told me not to worry about it, that he’s just been really busy and stressed etc. Then I found out I didn’t have cancer and I texted him and told him and his response was I’m so glad you’re going to think I’m stupid but I’ve been praying for that to be the answer. So I’m thinking ok maybe he is still into me, then a couple nights later he invited me over and I guys I took longer to get there than he was expecting so he wouldn’t let me up so of course I was pissed (I told him I had errands to run and it had been exactly 2 hours since I told him I would come over) so we ended up getting in an argument and he tells me he’s realized I’m irrational and he can’t handle it. But yet a week later he invited me over again and kept me waiting for him for over an hour so I told him so we’re even now, he apologized profusely for keeping me waiting and please don’t be mad blah blah. His I phone is hooked up to his ipad which I was using that night and as I was using it he got a goodnight sexy message so of course I looked at his other messages and it turns out he’s talking to at least 4 other girls, mind you 2 days prior he’s telling me I don’t just key women come to my house and stay when I’m not here I really like you and trust you. Well on Christmas eve I was in a rally bad car accident and for some reason my mom included him in the message she sent to my friends even though she knew things were weird between us but he ended up not responding until the next day in the afternoon and I guess my friend had my phone so she responded to him and just went off on him, about the other girls, about the fact I almost died and he waited so long to see what was going on with me, I guess they really ended up going back and forth for a while, mind you I had no idea any of this was happening. As soon as I heard about I immediately sent him an apology text which he completely ignored, I also sent him a message telling him how I felt about him and everything trying to explain why maybe it seemed like I was being different and he ignored that and every message I’ve sent him since, which by the way I haven’t reached out to him in over 3 days and he hasn’t reached out to me either to see how I am nothing. I have to see him at work tomorrow and I don’t know what to do and how to act towards him. And the thing that really sucks is I’m blaming myself for all this and its really all because he’s a douche, I’m so mad at myself for falling for his bs I’m 33 and know better and he’s 37 and shouldn’t be doing stuff like this. But I’m having the hardest time being mad at him like I should be. And I don’t know how to act around him tomorrow, I just want to get over him but it’s not going to be easy having to see him everyday.

  28. Hello everyone,

    I want to share my story too, because the stories here have inspired me to do so. I am hurt. She was the first person I have ever really cared about. We met about two years ago at work. She was an intern at the time. I was attracted to her the first time I saw her. Our first actual interaction outside of work didn’t go smoothly and at one point I put up distance. A few months pass, I went through some changes personally and we started talking more. Before I knew it, we went on a date and ended up sleeping together. At first I thought I would keep my distance, not get too close. The second time we got together, she tells me that she wanted more, not just sex. From then on we became closer. She had a lot of problems with family, work, and her self-esteem. It took a while, but I never realized that when we actually started talking more, she was going through all these problems. She cried a lot, wanted my attention, even calling me really late into the night. I tried encouraging her, talking her problems, and helping her see the brighter side of things. So about six months in, I asked her if I could call her my girlfriend. She looks at me and says no I am fine like this. She was resting in my arms when she said that and I felt bad. We had a talk, and she explains her feelings. We ended up parting ways for the first time. Eventually we started again, and we kept having these cycles of talking and then breaking apart. At some point I felt that I cared about her, loved her. But during all these cycles, I would find out new things, like her sleeping with another co-worker. I talked to her about it, and she would tell me that the instances when it happened were when we weren’t talking with each other. I tried to convince myself that she doesn’t want a relationship with me and that I could be her friend. Even thinking this way, we still slept together and I still felt pain. Sex is good, but afterwards I felt bad. She is dating other people now, not sure if she has slept with anyone else yet. Right now we still talk, but I just feel empty and that I am being this person that I don’t want to be. We won’t be together, yet she seems to want me to be this friend, to come to for comfort or advice. Lately I feel exhausted about it and it has affected my mental state. Since we work together I will see her. I feel like moving to another job to get away from her. It’s a pretty good place to work, I have been there for about 4 years. I am not sure how to handle it. It would be nice if she left, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon. It just sad that I spent so much time with her, knowing her, helping her, loving her. It feels that when she needs me, she needs me, other than that I have to always initiate contact. She is 22 years old, and wants to explore the world. In reality that means wants to date more guys and play around. It just seems like when I gave her my time back when she was going through things that I was just someone to help her past her pain. But now that she is past it, she is doing her own again. Thanks for all the stories. I know that I should maintain distance, but it’s hard and my feelings just won’t die down so easily.

    • She sounds like a user, who needed someone to help her get through her bad times. I have been in a same situation with a female friend (I’m female myself) she needed emotional support as she had loads of problems, after she came out of it she became cold and distant. She would only call me when she needed advice. You need to stay away from her as much as you can.

  29. Hi all.

    Similar situations to those above. Met someone at work, a guy, through a gay dating app. We started hanging out, and were having fun as friend. Then one night it became more than that. And continued to be friends with benefits for a few months. None of this was spoken about at work obviously for our privacy. Anyway, we worked on different teams in the same office, different areas so wouldn’t often see each other. Would go to lunch sometimes, then meet some evenings or on the weekends. I would often stay at his, and met a bunch of his friends. All seemed fine. Became clear to me that I wanted more than this. I had already started to feel that he didnt, and I went on a holiday for a few weeks, where I would chat to him where i could online. But it felt odd. After id come back, I made several attempts to see him, kept getting the ‘too busy’ excuse. He genuinely was, but felt like he was just pushing me aside. When we finally did meet a few weeks later, i asked him if we were ok. Really put him on the spot, he struggled to answer, and when he did I got told he didnt think we were on the same page, and he didn’t want more. But said we would continue to hang out and see each other. I was thoroughly disappointed, as this was the first time i’ve ever had feelings for anybody. Im pretty sure I love him, even if it did happen quick. Ive never felt like this about anybody ever before.
    His promises of continuing to do things never came true. As the weeks went on it became more apparent to me how upset I was over this. Devistated would be the best way to describe it. I only have heard from him since when i’ve emailed him, or messaged him first. Never speak online at all anymore and I’m sure he’s blocked me on the apps we were using. Anytime I have seen him, even just a glimpse, I’ve had to resist the urge to burst into tears at my desk, and basically go and run and hide in the bathroom til i’m ok to come out. If were in the same room together I find myself breathing really heavily and loudly, and people have noticed something is wrong with me, not that I can tell them. Its really affecting my mental state.
    Ive tried moving on, and have met some great people since, but i find myself, when im with someone else, thinking about him. I cant seem to get him off my mind no matter what. Im on the waiting list to see a counsellor as i feel I need the help. Friends i’ve told this too just tell me to get over it, if only it were that simple.
    Id love to confront him about this, as its been going on for months now since he basically cut me off. I cant leave my job as I’m on a sponsorship visa with the company I work for, and am tied to that for a set period of time which has just started. And I don’t feel I should quit anyway as I like my job and my team. Id love to think one day he will call or text and things might change, but I know realistically this isnt going to happen. And I dont want to have a breakdown at work and have everything come to light for the whole office to know about.
    I just cant seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Is there light there?

  30. My ex girlfriend and I broke up almost 5 months ago. We work together and were friends for a few years before we got together. For us it was both our first same sex relationship and came as a total surprise. After months together she decided she no longer had feelings and wanted to be with a man.

    Over the summer we spoke often and hung out a decent amount. At the end of August/September we spent almost a month of not really talking except when we were at work. Now we are less than acquaintances at work. She wants to be friends but I feel like I can’t get over her and move on. This weekend I feel as though I’ve had a huge emotional relapse and am back at square one. We talked over the phone this morning and right when we hung up I texted her and asked if we could just try and hang out as friends that I wouldn’t be weird and we could have ground rules even though on the phone we agreed that hanging out alone would be too much bc I want to be more than friends and she just wants us to be friends who never talk about what happened to us before. It feels like a mess.

    • hi Jen, i’m wondering how you are getting on now? My story is similar as in it was my first and only relationship with another woman. She broke up with me in October and i’m still devestated. i tried to stay close friends coz thats what she wanted ( and thats the kind of person i am…putting others first). Then things changed. My intuition told me she was seeing someone else and it was confirmed earlier this evening….she’s seeing someone new….another person working for same company. I’m devestated all over again…so i ask again, how are you? What has helped you get through? Seeing her in work leaves me a mess inside every time 🙁 xx

      • Hi Lavender,

        I know I am kind a late with my reply because you posted it last 2015. Also had a relationship with the same sex and we are working in the same office. She’s just right in front of my desk. She broke with me after 3years of living together because she suddenly changed her mind when a guy courted her and she entertained him because obviously she is also interested. Everyday i am always starting to fix my self because i always see her, hear her voice, seeing her so inspired and happy with someone else, and me, miserable :(. What about you? I am also wondering how are you right now, since it’s been more thqn a year. I hope that you were able to overcome this and happier now.

  31. I have been in a relationship with guy at more work for 2 years. I was reluctant bc he was very much younger then me but convinced me age would not matter. He made me feel so alive and loved. It was so exciting and filled my heart. We just separated bc he said it is for the best bc we are at different areas of our life. He works with me daily. I can’t get myself to stop texting/calling him. Though I know he may be right. I hurt so bad and I feel so lonely. He always replys to me and calls me. I’m so confused!!!

    • same situation…im too confused of him because he still care for me but i know he already have a new gf..what should i do?

  32. I am a married woman… i know i know.. so my best friend broke with his girlfriend who he lived with and we got very close. i was having so many issues with my husband who didnt even look at me anymore as a woman but a thing in the house, something to keep around and attend the children. im young and i was crazing attention and he gave me just that. we fell in love hard and fast and kept toguether for over a year, but when i mentioned leaving my husband he would panic, h eloved me but was not ready to be in a real relationship with me since my life is too complicated kids and all. So now he was a girlfriend, she is a wonderful woman and i am now back at being his friend and i cant take it anymore, we work together and see eachother every fucking time because all our friends are friends in common!! i feel like dying every day a little more. Im glad to see im not the only one dying of love quietly… in the past whenever i had a broken heard bitching and moaning helped, i guess the worst hurt is pretending nothing is amiss…

  33. I write this on the bus back home. I have a similar story as those here, from the side of a man.

    I had a 3 year long affair-romance with a coworker. My actual gf from the “real” relationship was away in another country and we saw few times a year during that period. I felt lonely and fell for her hard.

    I was, and still am, very attracted physically to the girl at work. I fell im love shortly after started dating but never was brave enough to leave my actual gf. You can love two people.

    Dating my coworker excited me and made my heart rush and pump faster than ever before, I felt madly infatuated. Eventually we split, I couldn’t give her a real relationship. I told my gf, she forgave me. My coworker and I promised never to do it again and to be friends, she was my best friend in fact. I still had feelings but hoped that they would in time turn into a stronger friendship. Things seemed to move for the better and I didn’t feel so guilty anymore.

    A couple of months later she then started seeing another coworker, a friend and didn’t tell me anything, she kept it as a secret, again. She became distant. The guy was normal and friendly, asking me for tips with a new girl, I was happy for him. I found out by myself that they were fucking and felt into a deep depression for having to see it everyday. For having been lied and cheated. Karma I guess. I have never been treated like this, I feel backstabbed.

    She said it was none of my business, that it wasnt serious and that’s why she didn’t tell me. We argued and then there was total incommunication for weeks.

    Over time depression turned to rage and supressed anger, I have no vent out and I am catatonic when I am around them, when I see his smug face and her disregard. I have stopped talking to all of their team, yet I am forced to see them everyday. I know I did bad, but this is too much of a punishment.

    It has been 6 months and nothing has changed, I am hurting everyday and can’t be free at work. I can’t quit because of the economy, my gf is unemployed. I don’t think the coworker cares, no-one at work knows. I still have feelings for her, otherwise it would not hurt but it is also the backstabbing from someone I thought cared for me. She probably thinks still that she did nothing wrong, oblivious to the daily torture.

    I would like to change something but I have worked my head around this problem and the only two options are confrontation or enduring. Both are not good.

    If she had told me before or had apoligized after I would not feel like this.

  34. So my sad story.. Im writing it down to get it out of me. Maybe that will help the process.

    We started working together last year. We were fast friends. Very similar. Became best friends sharing everything. He had/has a girlfriend. 6months on things started going sour with his girl. And him and I got even closer and eventually started sleeping together. A few weeks ago he told me he loved me. So i let my defences down. I let myself fall in love with him too. But i needed to be sure. I checked his social media and saw a picture of him and his so called estranged girl holding each other. I was devastated. I told him that i love him but that i would no longer be in his life as he is clearly in love with some one else.

    Now i have to see him daily and i cry all the time. It hurts. And noone even knows how i feel. I pray to fall asleep and not wake up. This is not my first heart break. Not my second not my third. I’ve been yet by every guy I’ve cared about. So it mist be me. Im unlovable. I dont know why. Maybe i was some evil person in a previous life and this is my karma. If so, i deeply and truly apologize. I pray for forgiveness daily. I pray for requited love. But God is silent to my prayers. I should just give up on the whole idea of love, its clearly not for me.

    Now i just pray for a new job atleast. I need to get away from him. Seeing him everyday is torture, self inflicted. I did not want to breakup his relationship. I just believed him when he said he wanted to end it. Dumb. I’ve been here before, so i guess ill move on somehow someday.


    • I wanted to add an update here. Him and I are back together. I don’t know what the future holds but we both decided we dont want to be apart. Im happy right now

    • Take heart. You are not alone; I am going through the same thing but in my case, it dragged out a couple years before I saw that FB picture of them holding each other (it was well hidden and I didnt want to look). Yes, it is torture. Watching him go away on vacation, even though I get a break, is equally bad because he’s going with her. having him send me emails with that special wink, as Amelie says, is torture, because they are followed by silence.

      But we have to go on. ANd you’re not unloveable. I’ve realized that about myself. This is not about us, it’s about them. We have to see it that way. And if it keeps happening, follow Amelie’s program and get stronger! You need to spend some time alone, loving yourself deeply before you try anyone again. At least what I’ve learned from this is that I need alone time. I’m learning a bunch of new hobbies – alone – and spending time discovering who i am. Yes, it’s hard being alone, and especially when I know he’s spending his nights cuddled up in her arms. Ouch. But we must go on.

      Besides, I know this is bitter and I shouldn’t think it, but could their relationship be “oh so happy” when he cheated on her with me, and didn’t want to give me up? I think not. We are better off, even though the pain right now will tell us the opposite. Keep the faith. You will get through this, I promise. 🙂

  35. Hello everyone, my condolences to all your broken hearts.. What can i say i fell in love with my collegue and at that time everything was going great we had such an amazing time together i really thought of him as “the one”… we did everything written above we had lunch together everyday with our other collegues, we would write silly emails to eachother, also give eachother looks every time we look at eachother it was like i was addicted to his eyes.. we would go out right after work and spend alot of time together. he introduced me to most of his family and friends, so i thought to myself that this is just meant to be. suddenly, everything changed.. wasnt getting any good morning texts, no calls, even when i call he wouldnt answer and then come up with a silly excuse hours later, barely even saw him outside of the office, mostly he would make plans with me then say that something came up!! we had parking spots next to eachother now he parks on the other side of the parking lot. and he also left me using a text message.. he did not give me any closure, it was like nothing had ever happened between us.. all the good times we had together just seemed like a dream that turned into a nightmare.. everytime i would step into the office i would get heart burns and when i see him its like im seeing him for the first time, like someone ive never met before.. I thank God for giving me the strength to still smile and try to stay focused on my job.. but deep in my heart i am breaking down real bad.. i cant think of anything else but how he broke my heart, but i still bear in mind all the good times we had together, im just not ready to let all of that go!!! he randomly mentioned in the office that he is travelling with a friend and his “girl friend” not a lover just a friend that he seems eager to meet.. i just feel like i need a change, something that will make me at least forget about my burning heart… the way he treats people i can tell that he has a clean heart, but the way he treated me was very shocking, its not the same person i thought i knew very well, not the same person i fell in love with at all.. could it be that he got over me that fast and got together with someone else? i just have so many unanswered questions.. like i said everything was going well and then suddenly this happened… God im going through a mental breakdown

    please help!

    • Hang in there friend. I felt like I was reading something I wrote. I even looked at the name to make sure that I didn’t write it and forget. It’s so hard to deal with for sure. You have no closure and wrack your brain, even wake up wondering. What helped me was jumping on a few dating sites. I messaged many guys and went out with three. I found a great guy and while I will admit I really feel those habit feelings when I see him, I know I’m better off. My heart still hurts but it is getting easier.

    • No one can make any1 wanna b with another best friends wife left him for another woman.I said’i don’t want some1 to b with me if they are not appy with u?’

  36. I’ll put my story down because it may make me feel better to share. Hope someone else can be helped by hearing it.
    Like so many others, I met him at work. He was my boss. We fell for each other like a ton of bricks and yes, both of us were going through divorces…only his never finalized. You could guess the rest of the story from here and you’d be right. It’s like a bad cliche.
    After five years, I finally started asking the questions I always should have. I do believe that at one time, for a long time, actually – he was truly separated from her and he truly loved me. I’m not sure when that ended and I don’t think I’ll ever know. What I do know is that for the past couple of months, he’s slowly become unavailable, quit taking my calls so often or started responding only sporadically to my texts. Not like him. So a well-meaning friend sent me the photographic proof that I knew would come: a photo of her with him at the family camping trip I couldn’t make a month ago. With her arms around him. I confronted him; he insisted his mom invited her and they get along as friends, so it was fine. I knew he was lying even then.
    But I put my head back in the sand and tried to go on. Texts dropped off even more; he was more and more “busy” at work; things got weird with us. So I was causally talking to a mutual friend who dropped that he’s just heard they are very much back together and planning a big trip to celebrate their anniversary next month. WHAT???
    Well, it shouldn’t have surprised me in the least. Come on. Everyone saw it but me, who wanted to still believe there was a chance. People in the office who knew about us looked at me with pity and disrespect (thankfully, I had some PTO racked up and took a lot of time off to get space). He came over yesterday; I asked him about it and he denied it, then got angry bolted (of course). Like it was my fault – avoiding everything.
    Today, a photo of her with him on a mutual friend’s Facebook page. I drove by his house, and saw her car. Yeah, I did that. I needed to really know and now I do. No more denying it. I want to ask him, I want to send him a message and say something but this is pitiful and there’s nothing. I have to go back to work in one more week. Luckily, I have that week of space…I thought about quitting and even had a job offer but it’s not a good one and I can’t do that just to avoid him. It’s not the best decision for me or my career and I can’t make any more bad ones now.
    I hope and pray I’ll have the strength to stay away and be strong. I plan to do “Space is Safe.” The silence from his end – knowing he’s probably having sex with her – will be the hardest. God, it hurts. So glad to know I’m not alone even if nobody has posted for a while. We’ll all get through it somehow.

    • Similar situation, and I dread going to work, how are you dealing with it, any tricks? I get sucked back in every time,

    • VERY similar situation I am going through and would love to hear how you got through it as it’s been over a year. I could really use the help..

  37. thanks amelie

    i’m really burning up inside. i’m (was) involved in a relationship that i can’t proudly shout it to the world about how much i love her, i sincerely do. I have never felt something so strong as this for anyone before. the story started at around the summer of 2011 and we pratically fight everyday and make up before leaving work. we are so inseparable and deep down, i still care about here even up till this moment.

    The reason why i am not proud of it is mainly for 2 reasons and please, you can judge me if you want to because i can’t get enough of the judging i’ve been through in the past 3 years.
    She is 10 years older than me and she happens to be my bosses’ wife. we’ve manage to keep it secret for this long and we both know its not right, even as a christian i know its a sin. i’m 27 and she’s 37 and we work next to each other. but sincerely from the depth of my heart, i want to end things.. but each time i do or she does, we just simply rush back because of the pain. Last march, we broke up for 6 months, she talked to her family about it and a psychologist, we weren’t even on talking term during that period, it was the saddest 6 months of my life. i have a girlfriend and sincerely i love this lady more than i could imagine. we forgive ourselves so easily and just laugh over our stupidity.

    we broke up again last week thursday and i caught her more than 5 times seriously crying and telling me that she’s really sad and unhappy. i don’t want to ruin the home more than i’ve done, she wanted to leave her husband but she’s got 2 kids and i won’t ever forgive myself if i make them go through a broken home. i want to do the right thing and i can’t just proudly talk to anyone about it. i know what i did is not right, i just dumbly fell in love but i want to do the right thing now.

    **crying writing this because i am so heartbroken, i miss her so much.please help me, i don’t know how to go about it. i’m scared that i’m gonna re-live those past 6 months.


      • I had a secret relationship for 3 years with my employee. i’m married. I fell madly in love and she wanted me to leave my wife and kids. i couldnt do it…. she dumped me and 3 weeks later got pregnant with her new boyfriend (she is 35). even though I know that she is crazy, Im heartbroken and in tears over it. its hard because I couldnt tell anyone.

        hang in there. praying and time has helped. I also pushed her out of her job, but she is trying to come back in another capacity. sigh. 3 months and still having emotional trouble. I was never like this before her. darn it.

  38. I was with my boyfriend before we started working together. I think that us then spending 24 hours together might have been a bit hard. Also as he is 6 years younger does add further complications.

    We both work in tv, I direct, and he is the camera man. It is hard because we are so lucky to have full time work within this industry, but it is so hard to be around him all the time and to have to work so closely, its not just sharing an office, but having to go away together for trips. And now I’ve just found out he is seeing somebody else. And my heart is just breaking. I just don’t know what to do.

    • Louisa!
      So weird. I starting seeing my ex before we worked together- he directs and I’m a camera operator!
      We get on so well at work and it breaks me that I have to be there trying to do a good job and seeing how fine and happy he is. Our industry is so tough. I want to leave but there’s no where to go.
      It like an addiction, I feel like an alcoholic in a free bar trying to stay sober.
      I hope you are doing better and can tell me that it does get better. Because right now it sucks and I’m so heartbroken.

  39. Hi…my ex always goes into this depression state during the holidays and will just up and stop talking completely for days. Considering he talks or texts me every day I start to worry about him. I told him after day three of not hearing from him that I couldn’t handle him not talking. He went crazy and mad at me and ended things with me for the second time. This had happened two years prior and I thought we worked through it and had an understanding but apparently not. I love and miss him everyday. We have had a five year relationship. My heart is breaking and I don’t know what to do. All I do is sit at home and cry. The worst of it all is we work in the same place and my co workers ask about him and it’s like a dagger to the heart when I hear his name.

  40. I met my ex through my brother and we both thought we were each other’s soul mate and we ended up working together but after dating for 18 months everything went from good to worse I felt that he was pushing away his excuse was that he loved me but he was not UN LOVE with me to me I thought that was the lamest excuse I guy could come up with so we just decided to break up it’s been 5 months and it still hurts seeing him at work to make matters worse he flirts with my co worker and thinks it’s ok plus at the same time he is good friends with my brother but they don’t hangout that much. I tried being professional at work but sometimes I just can’t stand seeing him just flirting with my co workers. I’m currently looking for another job . I still love him and I want him back but at the same time if I’m going to try and move on I need to get a new job.

  41. If only i knew then what i know now. I sit opposite her and have to work alongside her. She was the only woman i had really had a mutually satisfying and affectionate time relationship with, but she grew tired of me and ended it after 9 months. People had warned me off her, said it was her pattern… But i let my ego do the talking.

    Total nightmare trying to get emotional distance when you are in her proximity. Like an alcoholic trying to get sober in a bar.

    • “Like an alcoholic trying to get sober in a bar”

      Spot on, Simon. My boss dumped me as lover and best friend 90 days ago. In a text. 22 years together.

      What’s worst is that at work, he acts like nothing has changed. I’m bereft, but trying to detach a little more each day. It’s hell.

      • feel like i’m in a similar place. i worked with someone for 2 years. got into a relationship a year later. things were great and felt so cared for, used to say he would never let me go etc….and I pretty much broke up with my ex as i was getting strong feelings for this person. (though didn’t act on anything)

        At some point in time i got a promotion and became his manager. Then all of a sudden out of the blue he starts talking rudely to me or about me in front of other staff. this goes on for a month. i chalked it up to him not liking his girlfriend being his boss. We still talked about plans to move in together in a few months. Buying eachother gifts etc.

        Then very quickly he starts telling me he is upset about some stuff to do with his mum. he doesn’t want me to come to his house anymore. we barely talk at work. Then 2 weeks ago he texts me that he doesnt love me anymore and just wants to be friends. I asked how long he came to this conclusion and he said hed been thinking about it for a week??

        It hurt me a lot, but i didnt realise how painful it could get when he came in with a love bite on his neck a few days later. When i confronted him he said ‘so what?’ Broke my heart. Now I feel like I am going crazy but I believe he may have gone back to his ex. Who I also happen to work with. Its a complete mess. I feel like its punishment for getting involved in this whole situation.

        He also acts like absolutely nothing has happened.

        I almost walked out last week, and I feel so vunerable that if something else happens I’ll have a complete mental breakdown right now 🙁

  42. A guy I work with who is also 10 years younger than me started acting interested in me and I was very reluctant at first as I was in a relationship with a coworker before and it was incredibly hard when it ended. He was so nice though and I eventually let him convince me to give it a chance. I fell for him fast and hard. He was so thoughtful and so appreciative of little things I tried to do for him. We didn’t tell anyone at work, but I was ready to and then he just texted me one day and told me he couldn’t handle being in a relationship with a coworker… what??!! Then after I broke the ice a week later, we started talking again and a couple weeks later started seeing eachother again. Things were even better this time and again I was SO happy. I went out of town for a week to visit my parents and he constanty texted me and said he didn’t want me to forget about him while I was gone. 2 days before I was to return he text me and told me he was going to try to work things out with his ex girlfriend from several months before… I was devastated and 3 weeks later I am still very depressed and hurt and I have to see him everyday at work and it is torture. I know I shouldn’t want to get back with him but I do!! I miss him so much and hurt in places i didn’t think I could hurt..Seeing him everyday is torture, but not seeing him scares me too. I am a mess and i feel like it will never get easier. i have thought about transferring but it really isn’t an option and i would lose a lot of seniority. i just want to crawl in a whole and never come out.

    • Hey- I noticed you wrote this over a year ago so idk if u will even see this but I am EXPERIENCING the exact same thing right now. A guy 6 years younger than me pursued me at work. I was reluctant and then I finally gave in. He REALLY liked me. We had both broken up with other ppl and so I wanted things to move slow and see where things went. He wanted to be together asap. Well long story short we had a falling out and I said I was done. We didn’t speak for 10 days and I hurt so bad…in places I didnt know existed and missed him so much so I contacted him to try to work things out. He didn’t really want to. He said he was confused and cried and then he just started ignoring me and now he’s trying to work things out with his ex and I’m completely devastated. I have been trying to be cool, with a few freak outs, for the past 6 weeks. But he hasn’t come around and it’s absolute torture seeing him at work or even knowing that he works at the same place. I’m really hurting. What did you do??? What ended up happening in your situation? I have been looking for a new job but also don’t want to quit. He has been talking about quitting which scares me! Help :*-(

  43. I am a nurse in the ICU and my ex-boyfriend is a surgery resident. We dated for a year and a half. I broke up with him, for non-work related issures in our relationship. I still love him and miss him a lot, but I know it could never work between us, we are too incompatible. When I see him at work, I act cool, calm and professional, but I can’t hide the red blochy rash I get all over the front of my chest and neck. Whenever I am nervous or emotional I get this red blochy rash, its a physilogical reaction I have to my emotons. I am so afraid he is going to see it, he knows why I get that rash. I am afraid my co-workers are going to notice. I am trying to do whats best for myself, but I don’t know how to keep myself from getting nervous and turing red.

  44. I was in a happy relationship but didn’t feel sexually fulfilled. Then a new guy started working at my office who I found very attractive. Because I had a boyfriend I just saw him as a nice bit of eye candy. Anyway, this guy started to make it clear that he had the hots for me too and asked me out for drinks. I declined because of my relationship and I’d also found out he had a girlfriend. He persisted in chasing me for months and even split up with his girlfriend because he said he couldn’t be with her when he had such strong feelings for me.eventually I gave in and met up with him outside of work to see if we got along. What followed was a whirlwind romance, he truly swept me off my feet! I ended my long term relationship with my boyfriend to be with him. Things were amazing for the next few weeks until he abruptly ended it after christmas by text message! He didn’t explain himself properly he just said that he isn’t good enough for me, the feelings he has for me are too intense and too soon and he relationship has progressed too quickly for him. I am truly heartbroken. I feel that he has come into my life like a tornado and messed everything up. Now I see him at work every day and I want to cry. He won’t talk to me in person about what happened and I don’t really have any closure to enable me to move on. Every time I look at him I feel like my heart breaks a little more. He has even sent me drunk text of a weekend saying that he misses me but he clearly doesn’t want to get back together and I doubt I could even trust him with my heart again.I feel trapped and massively depressed but just hope time will help heal. If it doesn’t I’m scared that I’ll have to find a new job which grieves me as I’ve been at the company for five years and he’s only been there six months.

  45. I had a my true love for 18 years. Both of us were married but stayed for different reasons. Me for the children and my wife and I had not shared a bedroon for over 15 years. We are business partners and involved with multiple organizations related to our profession. Our offices are directly across from each other. We traveled together multiple times each year.

    We finally decided to make our relationship legitimate. I moved out into my “man cave” started divorce proceedings. She was to follow in 6 months. After all of the promises (even 2 days before she ended it) she got caught and abruptly broke it off. The texts, calls, physical touch were instantly gone. I will rightfully lose half of my assets, now I am extremely lonely, and reminded daily of her presence. She comes to work and acts like nothing is wrong.

    I am not sure after 18 years I’ll ever get over it. My point in writing is never put off anything and never pull the trigger on making it legit unless both parties do it simultaneously. Once you commit and burn bridges you lose any control of the future. How can ever trust another woman again? 18 years and poof!

  46. Early this morning, I googled “heal my heart”. Been suffering from the complication of having to work as a pair with my ex. I never knew many people around the world faced the same or more.
    However, all cases are unique to itself.

    I’ve been pondering on what exactly to do about my situation.
    I just know my heart’s aching:
    I cry randomly, get angry for no reason, can’t sleep well…
    It’s obviously aching and I know why. Yet, I don’t know exactly what steps to take to be healed.

    In my case, it’s me seemingly “starting” a company with my ex
    And it’s not just an ordinary “ex”…
    It was a short relationship and he went back to his ex.
    Now, this new company is born.
    Been considering leaving and starting afresh (which is going to affect me and him)
    But I’ve been “starting afresh” too often (goals and accompliments).
    I’m afraid of losing something that has the potential of “lasting” (how I arrived at that forecast, I don’t know)
    I’ve been feeling used for a while.
    But I really want this company (which affects my career) to work,
    Though I’m paying with my heart – hurting daily.
    Seeing him answer call from his “supposed ex”… Burns me. I’m trying to put it all behind me, but is it possible when it’s all in one’s face and we have to work as a team?

  47. I work with my ex. We had a two year relationship which called off last July. I saw the error of my ways and tried to get back with her last September. My efforts failed as she was dating someone else. We went through a very protracted stage where she gave me every indication that we might get back together. This went on for months but she says she can’t take that leap of faith at risk of me hurting her again. I’ve broken pretty much every rule above. We went to a work event last Wednesday and ended up kissing. It’s been awful since, she won’t leave her new partner. I have told her I can no longer do the cosy lunches or constant IMs etc etc. It’s killing me but I now realise that we’re not going to get back together and I need to move on….

  48. Hello all,

    Even though the heartache I’m going thru from my ex is not related to workplace I think my dillemma still related to this blog. You see I still have to see her on a daily basis because we still live together and we have to wait for our house to sell before we can really part.

    Anyways, we split up 9 months ago, and though it was very hard (for both of us), the pain did eventually go away (even with me still seeing her on daily basis). So I thought I was completely over her. But then all of a sudden for the last few weeks she started being away for the weekend, which was ok with me as I did’nt even try to analyse becuase sometimes not knowing is better. But then, last saturday (she left saturday for the weekend again) I get this strange callback from a motel (and close to home too) saying that someone from my line called earlier for info.

    Well needless to say my heartache pain came back full force, crying like I’ve never cried before! I’m shocked at myself, here I am 9months after the breakup(feeling pretty good) but then still these feelings come back?(maybe it’s cuz it makes sooo final?!?,maybe I still love her?)
    Anyways, I don’t blame her for that call, I mean we have been seperated 9months now!

    It seems she continued her life, whereas I put my life on hold till house sells and get clean start(I think bad move on my part)

    So now how do I deal with this heartache pain in the meantime, and knowing EXACTLY what she is doing on saturday nights?(ouch) I’m even having hard time wanting to go out with freinds since this pain is weakening my very fiber of existence.

  49. Hi all, I hope you don’t mind.. i need to let out some thoughts. ..I’m a normal bloke in a tough situation. A girl at work chased me for six months, took me home to meet the parents etc, and all her friends. Basically the feeling was mutual and i fell in love with her. .. Then she decided it was a mistake, told me she’s not intereted.. ouch. But ok. I can be a professional and deal with it. No hard words, just acceptance and move forward as friends.

    A couple months down the track, she’s informed me that she’s entered a gay relationship with a female work colleague (one of my senior managers) who’s more than a decade older than both of us.! . What can I say? am completed shattererd. I can’t face either of them in the office, my heart is broken and stamped on. She’s trying to make me feel guilty because I’m not ok with it all. I don’t know what to do .. I’m too embarrassed to talk with my friends about it. The situation has me really down and I’m almost tempted to leave my job over it.

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